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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a late night / early morning rant about how no sleep is ruining my entire life?

307 replies

Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 01:54

Lying here unable to sleep as have toddler with me. He refuses to go in his cot.

I have a three hour window (you can almost time it to the minute) when he goes to bed where he will sleep. Usually 730-1030. Then he wakes and that’s it.

I can either try to sleep myself then, or get all the other shit done. Either way I’m exhausted but if I sleep I am in chaos. If I don’t I have literally no sleep.

I can’t see friends, have a glass of wine, there is no enjoyment or pleasure in anything at all.

rant and moan and misery, pure misery.

i wish I had never done this.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 29/04/2022 06:59

im not going through what I have tried but suffice to say my bookshelf is full of sleep books, hence why I really don’t see a sleep consultant working because they are all written by sleep consultants and if following the advice doesn’t work I’m not sure what else they can add.

if you want actual help then you should say what you have tried

have you tried controlled crying, consistently for 2 weeks without picking him up and resorting to cuddling after a few minutes of tantrums?

MangshorJhol · 29/04/2022 06:59

Do you feel guilty because he’s in nursery?

DH and I are not pro sleep training in general (we are in the US where it’s ubiquitous so we are a huge exception) but in your case I 100% would sleep train him.

And you have to persevere. Many many nights. Up to a month. You are not getting sleep anyway so how does it matter? You absolutely have to persevere.

I suspect you feel guilty because of childcare hence your comment about him wanting to connect at night. Lots of kids, mine included go to nursery AND sleep in their own bed beyond a point. I would suggest that you are doing a greater disservice to him by NOT sleep training him than you are by sending him to nursery (as a FT working mom I don’t think daycare is a disservice to your child anyway). But you have a chance of either listening to him scream for a few weeks till he learns to sleep or spending 12 months not getting sleep yourself.

tinierclanger · 29/04/2022 07:00

Can personally vouch for the fact that seeing a sleep consultant is completely different from reading all the books and trying on your own. If you have some money, get a consultant in.

20viona · 29/04/2022 07:00

Perseverance is the key here, your child is in a habit that needs breaking. For everyone's sake.

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 29/04/2022 07:01

Omg what a nightmare.

sorry but if he’s got his own room I’d stick him in there, put some earplugs in and go the fuck to sleep.

some will say that’s horrible but desperate times….

MissMaple82 · 29/04/2022 07:02

Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 06:57

Yeah someone asked if I had a DH who can help. I don’t.

But you do! You've got a husband and it's his child too!!! If your relationship is that shit that he won't support you when you're clearly teetering on the edge then I suggest you divorce the waste of space and get 50/50. Then you will also get sleep! Problem solved!

TotalRhubarb · 29/04/2022 07:04

When is your DH back?

Original poster
Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 07:04

I don’t feel at all guilty about him going to nursery but I do acknowledge that he spends most of the day away from me.

my intention is not believe it or not to ‘annoy’ or anger or upset people, my intention is simply to post and to try to release some of those horrible feelings I am dealing with at the moment because sleep is so poor. I often feel very different in the morning (in fact I always do) and love him all over again but when he’s keeping me awake for hours at a time at night those loving tender feelings turn into very dark ones and reaching out to others helps me to keep a sense of who I am and of my own humanness.

In other words it stops me totally losing the plot.

So maybe it ‘annoys’ you. Maybe ‘oh wow!’ Maybe you think we’ll … why does she post. It’s not for advice. I have read the books, it has not worked, this is just where we are right now. But before I sign off I will say that some of you have prevented me seeking that support when I desperately need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 07:07

DH is irrelevant to this discussion. He would help if he would but can’t. I won’t say he’s perfect, who is, but he genuinely would help if he could. He can’t. The only way he could help is if we happened to live somewhere large enough that DS could be taken to the other side of the house where I couldn’t hear him screaming the place down, and we don’t. Many MNetters must live a more luxurious sort of life than I do!

OP posts:
taybert · 29/04/2022 07:07

It’s awful for you but this is awful to read too, and yet I get it, there were times I felt hatred for the situation that was making my life awful and great resentment towards my child. The exhaustion makes you feel hopeless which may be why you appear to be rejecting help- you don’t believe anyone can help you. But maybe they can. Just call the health visitor and see what they say. In the meantime I agree with everyone else that you need to take some practical steps so that you’ve got a planned time when you will be able to sleep (whether sick days, holiday or time away when DH is back)

i managed to get DS1 out of our bed when I had just started my mat leave with DS2 but hadn’t had him yet. I spent a lot of nights by his bed holding his hand and stroking his hair (very pregnant on his bedroom floor) then leaving when I could. Then going back when he woke but never taking him in to our bed. It took a couple of weeks but I could do it because I knew he would go to nursery the next day and I could sleep. It’s not the same when you have work the next day because you need to snatch whatever scraps of sleep you can.

This is fixable but you need time, support and sleep yourself first. Work out a way to get some sleep then call your HV

Louise0701 · 29/04/2022 07:09

But you aren’t seeking support. You’re just ranting. You haven’t engaged with a HV, GP or sleep consultant. You refuse to as you can’t see the point. You’re at a stage where you feel you hate your child and he’s only 18 months old. You have a shit husband who won’t help. So it doesn’t matter that your HV hasn’t called you since October. YOU call HER and you get some support for you and your son.

SlashBeef · 29/04/2022 07:09

No you are the only person stopping you from getting help. Own it.

Brighton5555 · 29/04/2022 07:11

My third child didn’t sleep properly and eventually after consulting the health visitor, having a team visit me. At home with strategies which didn’t work, we were then referred to a sleep clinic and after a deep consultation eventually was prescribed melatonin which yes doesn’t work for everyone….. point being if you believe your child who isn’t even two years old but is around 18 months old should be sleeping independently through the night every night with no help needed then your wrong .

its clear your struggling and it’s clear you have a deep resentment towards your child, I personally couldn’t imagine banging a light on at 2 am and screaming that I hate you to my baby.

I’ve no doubt this resentment shows itself throughout the day towards he / she while you remain tired and exhausted from the night before . If you won’t seek help from the HV or your GP and instead think a book shelf full of sleeping books will get you through when it’s clearly not , what can change if you won’t look to change your current strategies!

you clearly said you didn’t have a partner when first asked . You make multiple threads stating the same . You blame all your issues of your looks/ your relationships to your baby’s sleep situation and I think it’s clear it is a lot deeper than that

Instead of screaming at a 18 month old that you hate them maybe ask yourself why you wont get proper help ? I’m actually so sad for your child

lollipoprainbow · 29/04/2022 07:11

Every suggestion has been shot down in flames !! I feel for the little boy to be honest.

MangshorJhol · 29/04/2022 07:11

But as I said the choice is between your putting up with his screaming so HE can get better sleep. So that he benefits from this. Versus both your and his lack of sleep…

I live in a flat in an expensive US city so no I don’t live in a luxurious place but needs must.

My kids are in school so do spend a chunk of the day away from me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t sleep train in this situation (and I didn’t as a baby). We are happy to hear you rant but the lack of proper sleep is also not fair for your child as much as it is torture for you.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 07:13

I really don’t see a sleep consultant working because they are all written by sleep consultants and if following the advice doesn’t work I’m not sure what else they can add.

That's a mad statement.

A sleep consultant might work because you are clearly too exhausted to take on any of the advice in the books.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 07:13

he does wfh mostly but this week he is working away.

Oh come on! If he's at home usually, of course you can tackle this together.

ladydimitrescu · 29/04/2022 07:13

Please call your Gp, your health visitor - someone.
You can't scream your head off at an 18 month old and say you hate him, you know you can't go on like that.
You do have a husband who can help, he just happens to be away this week. You aren't a single parent, so with the greatest of respect, stop acting like one. When DH is home, he can have DS and you can sleep.
Sleep training does work, but you can't click your fingers and it be done. You need to work at it and try different methods until something works.
People are trying to help you, your dismissing everything and everyone. I get it, you're exhausted. I've been there, I had a just turned 2YO and a newborn, it's hard work.

You absolutely need to seek support for your mental health, if not for you, for your baby. You can't go on like this. Use this thread as a starting point and ask for some help.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/04/2022 07:14

Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 06:57

Yeah someone asked if I had a DH who can help. I don’t.

But you do?

WaterBottle123 · 29/04/2022 07:16

When DH is back, he takes DS for the night and you go to a hotel.

Or just her ear plugs.

And reset.

Original poster
Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 07:16

Thanks, but I don’t really want ‘help’ in the form of tablets or therapy which is the help that’s on offer. As I have said, I shall not post about it again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleepingandnotcoping · 29/04/2022 07:17

I don’t @EarringsandLipstick . He is not here at this present moment in time and even when he is he cannot help. I realise my answer may have been misleading but in fairness look at the time stamp on it.

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 29/04/2022 07:19

@Notsleepingandnotcoping with all due respect, I think you need something as you cannot go on this way as it’s going to affect your son. A few of us on this thread are worried for him. You need help for both of us, it’s not just about you!

Louise0701 · 29/04/2022 07:20

@Notsleepingandnotcoping why can’t your husband help when he’s home?

luxxlisbon · 29/04/2022 07:20

The reality is you have to take steps to change this. He isn’t a baby so terrible sleep it developmental and more accepted, he can learn to sleep.
Your husband needs to use some annual leave and you both need to work on a consistent strategy.
It might be best if it is your husband doing it, as your toddler expects you to take him into the bed.
Sometimes we just need to rant but you can’t just rant over and over but expect things to change if you aren’t prepared to do anything.
A toddler will respond to sleep training, it will probably be worse for at least a week but after that it will get better. You just need to do it and be consistent.