To have a late night / early morning rant about how no sleep is ruining my entire life?

[Notsleepingandnotcoping]

Lying here unable to sleep as have toddler with me. He refuses to go in his cot.

I have a three hour window (you can almost time it to the minute) when he goes to bed where he will sleep. Usually 730-1030. Then he wakes and that’s it.

I can either try to sleep myself then, or get all the other shit done. Either way I’m exhausted but if I sleep I am in chaos. If I don’t I have literally no sleep.

I can’t see friends, have a glass of wine, there is no enjoyment or pleasure in anything at all.

rant and moan and misery, pure misery.

i wish I had never done this.

Yeah - people saying that it doesn’t last forever, obviously that’s true.

But it’s lasting long enough, isn’t it? I mean, I’m not just talking about a couple of nights bad sleep because of illness or whatever.

It is having a deep and profound effect upon me and is permeating every area of my life. My work is sub par because I can’t spend any time on it. I can’t maintain relationships with friends properly. I don’t have a proper relationship with my husband. I am depressed. I have gained weight, I am pale and sporty and ugly.

It might not last forever but while I am sure people are intending this supportively it is coming across as dismissing the very real strain I am under.

Have you actually spoken to them and been told there's no support? My health visitor offered me lots of advice on sleep and was ringing regularly to see how we were doing, I'm sure there's more they can assist with too if things are more serious (as they do sound) with your situation. In regards to the GP they could sign you off work and assess whether the situation needs to be referred elsewhere as to be honest it sounds like you are at breaking point. I couldn't cope with lack of sleep either, there's no shame in asking for help, it sounds like you've already tried most things.

Nobody’s dismissing it. The point is, you’re in it and it’s not going to change (unless you change it), so that’s kinda it. It’s shit and will continue to be, until it’s over. You just have to endure it. And, one day, it will be over.

Where is your husband? Is he the child’s father?

Having just got back into bed after trying to get my toddler to fucking sleep since 11pm I get it. I also shouted. It's horrid. Albeit it this is shorter lived than you.

You can't go on like this @Notsleepingandnotcoping. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. You're well aware of this on how you are feeling.

You've mentioned you have a husband. What support does he give? Can you afford one night leave DS with DH book onto local travel lodge and just sleep. Reset. This is not a long term solution but your brain needs to recover from this trauma.

Call in sick tomorrow. Go straight back to bed. Sleep. Rest.

They aren’t going to take him so I can sleep @Mummamama and that’s really the only ‘support’ I am in need of.

And yes @givethatbabyaname I am well aware it’s not changing, thanks

DS won’t settle for anyone but me overnight and anyway DH (yes, he’s my child’s father ) is working away.

Respite foster care exists exactly for parents who are at breaking point. Maybe this would help you? You could either speak to social services yourself or GP or HV can refer it to them.

@Notsleepingandnotcoping how long is he away for? I'm a military wife so get that too.

I know he won't settle for anyone else but he will pass out with exhaustion eventually. It will be pure hell but if you can Manage it when DH I'd back just to break the cycle. You won't be there to hear the drama. DH will have no sleep that night but everyone can survive one night. What they can't survive is sustained long term like yourself.

I have been here. It’s awful. Sleep deprivation gives me the rage and makes me depressed. Then I hate myself on top of feeling dreadful. It’s the darkest place I’ve ever been in. I remember thinking that I was happier during my many miscarriages than I was once I had my child.

I would suggest that you need to find some solutions and take an element of control back. We spoke to a sleep consultant and that really helped. It didn’t make sleep perfect but it gave us tools to help with the bad sleep and more importantly for me, I felt heard and supported.

When you feel like shit, thinking of taking control and fixing things seems impossible. I see so many of these threads where all the suggestions are rebuffed because the OP feels so powerless and I remember that feeling so well myself!

Just start to think of each step and small things you can change.

Do you still breastfeed? If so I’d consider weaning/night weaning. I didn’t do this soon enough because I felt guilty but it was a game changer.

i would also look at his daytime routine and bedtime routine. One decent nap with the the right amount of awake time before bed. If his nap isn’t optimal at nursery, get them to help you and do what you need.

How does he go to sleep? Does he fall asleep independently in the cot? If not, work on that. Make sure he lies down himself. Even if that takes forever for a few nights. - it really made a difference for us.

how are you reconnecting after nursery? Lots of silly physical play is good.

These things might not help but at least you can start to feel like you’re in control.

good luck.

With respect OP if you dies tomorrow your child would sleep at some point. You’ve got into a habit- he wakes the same time every night expecting to co sleep. Breaking habits are hard and kids are stubborn but it sounds like you need to bite the bullet and try control crying for at least two wks

I remember your thread from a few days ago.

What are you prepared to do, either to improve your son's sleep or to enable you to get some relief?

Can you get him a bed or a bed in a spare room and when he falls asleep sneak into that? That's what my sister does. Sorry it's such a shit time. Also consider CIO. It does work within days.

I thought your DH worked from home?

You need to sleep train

I recognise you I think? Always the same.

"My toddler doesn't sleep, kicks me and I hate him."

Everyone tells you to sleep train.

You ignore them.

Couple of weeks later - "My toddler doesn't sleep, kicks me and I hate him."

100% agree

Hi op. Your child is old enough to sleep by himself. He has just gotten used to you.

I remember my eldest always sleeping with me and him refusing to sleep on his own. Then I remember staying at my parents and whilst there, the first night, I just left him in the room. If he cried, i went in and comforted him but laid back down without speaking. It took a while but it worked.

I had to do the same with my other 3 (as they co slept).

But if you decide to try it, you have to ride it out. What you can't do is give in as then you'll teach him to scream harder and louder until you give in.

Try and take a week off so you can get some rest and are less likely to give in out of sheer exhaustion.

Do you have a friend who could stay with you for a few nights to give you some moral support?

I remember your thread too. I know you want to rant but you also have to be prepared to change things by trying different strategies.
In my experience, many babies sleep badly in the first few years. My son was a terrible sleeper. Looking back I wonder why we didn't try harder to deal with it. If it is any comfort , he is now a father and deals with all the night wakings. He is permanently exhausted .
My son had a toddler bed and once he was asleep in our bed, I would creep off and sleep in the toddler bed. I am very good at sleeping anywhere in very small spaces.
I still suffer from insomnia which started in those early days of parenthood..
Interestingly, my son tells me that my grandson only sleeps through on nights when his grandparents ( us and my dil's parents) have had him during the day, rather than at nursery. We both are able to give him constant one to one attention and take him on outings. I never had that support and had to work during the day as a teacher.
We all survived in the end but I was permanently tired and my go to treat was and still is a nap.
I second the idea of a sleep consultant. They have heard the most horrendous stories and they have strategies that will work.
If it is any consolation, we are both really close to our non sleeping son. He is now an adult in his thirties and perfectly normal apart always being exhausted. His wife didn't sleep either for the first five years of her life. My poor grandson has inherited powerful non sleeping genes from both sides.
Like you as a young mum, I knew that it was ultimately my responsibility to somehow cope. Looking back I didn't deal with it well but I was so tired.
Please don't take it out on your son. He sounds needy and little. I wouldn't take advice from me because I handled my own non sleeper badly but perhaps more focused attention in the evening and keeping him up a bit longer might help with his night time neediness.

Hi op,
number 1 priority absolutely has to be get some sleep. Then thinking/ planning/ decision making can happen.
survive 3 more hours. Take him to nursery. Phone in sick- you sound at the end of your tether. Go to bed.

after you have done this for 2/3 days, you can make a plan.

please- you need to act for both of your long term mental health.

I also remember a friend of mine with chronic tiredness due to children that would only sleep on her, having a terrible nightmare that she had lost her children. She woke up and they were both sleeping peacefully beside her. It was such a relief. It almost made go-sleeping worth it.

Agree with @Cantchooseaname you need to phone in sick and sleep tomorrow.
You know yourself you can’t go on screaming at an 18month old or saying you “fucking hate him” or yes, they will “ come and take him” and it won’t just be so you can sleep! I am speaking from experience here with one of DHs family members.

seriously; phone in sick, get some sleep and if you hate your child and cannot cope then your husband needs a new job where he isn’t working away!

Remember OP, many parents have children that sleep badly. Your situation isn't unique. I worry that you repeatedly claim to hate your baby. I hope you don't hate him. He might be seeking night time reassurance that he is loved by you. It is perfectly natural for babies to enjoy close physical contact while they sleep. They haven't read the child rearing books. They just want to feel secure and loved.

There's definitely not nothing you can do about it. You can sleep train. Yes, there are a small minority this doesn't work on but it does work (and is not harmful) for the majority. If you can afford it, I would recommend using a sleep consultant - they probably won't tell you any magic tricks you couldn't learn about online, but they will help you to make sense of the many different methods and tips that are out there and hold your hand through the process, which we found invaluable (especially when you're coming from a place of total frazzlement). Happy to recommend the one we used. If you can't afford that, still sleep train - there are plenty of useful resources online and, if you have a thick enough skin to ignore all the naysayers, plenty of mumsnetters who have done it and I'm sure will be happy to recommend what worked for their similar aged child. But yeah, you almost definitely don't need to suffer through this - only Mumsnet will have you believe that cosleeping until they magically start doing it themselves is the only way

Friend of mine did sleep training with her DS and it worked brilliantly. You have to be prepared to get through the initial difficult few nights without breaking but after that it is fine. She was the only new mum I knew who wasn’t knackered from lack of sleep.

I've been there. You are currently probably to exhausted to try to solve they problem because that requires more mental effort and you are at 100% already.

The difference in my life when sleep became ok (2) was astronomical. I got every back, a social life back, became more 'me again' and in the end I didn't do anything but wait. But if sounds as if you are so angry that I'm but sure waiting is viable for you.

You have the huge advantage that your toddler will co sleep (mine wouldn't). Before you say how much you hate it, hear me out. If I were you'd, is try getting a bigger bed, a for bed, put a bunch of mattresses together, and once he's asleep, roll to the other side away from the thrashing and kicking. Even if this means mattresses on your lounge floor.

Your husband needs to step up. My Toddler only wanted me, and my boobs and it was quite extreme so we did just let me do all the settling, but he found ways to carve out rest for me (he also was up a lot with our non stop. sleeping older child). Where we were both wfh, he'd get them both up, breakfasted and out to childcare, which gave me an extra couple of hours. He'd take them out a lot at the weekend so I could rest rest. It was still hard, but I managed.

As it is, after a year of better sleep, I'm back in non sleeping land now because my toddler has been very ill (as in life threatening, many weeks in hospital) so she now 'sleeps' next to me and in my bed. I have to work in the evenings, and then she's up half the night, so I get 3-4 hours broken again. And I'm back feeling exhausted and down. Its half 5 and I've managed 2.5hrs so far

the ‘if you died’ argument doesn’t work.
if I was dead, I wouldn’t be able to hear DS screaming the place down.

he won’t respond to sleep training.