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Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.
135

GammaLupin · 28/04/2022 11:36

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

worraliberty · 28/04/2022 11:43

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

Is he mentally ill? If so, I'd change my mind last minute and go along with him, if you think there's a danger of it affecting his MH.

If not, just let them crack on and stick to your guns.

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ChaosMoon · 28/04/2022 11:43

YANBU.

I'd actually have tried to change it - if she'd called you directly and spoken to you nicely, understanding that it might not be possible. But screw that passive aggressive, in front of the family, shit.

That said, I'd actually do whatever would make DH happy, assuming we could still get what we wanted at the wedding and wouldn't lose out financially.

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GroggyLegs · 28/04/2022 11:44

Course you're not unreasonable. The save the date (ish) was sent in November! It's nearly May!

Have you put down deposits? I'd assume things are getting pretty booked up by this point & it's not a simple case of shifting dates, it would be choosing new venue/ napkin supplier/whatever.

Why was she being PA at the point where you didn't even know the school dates had changed? Is that what she's like?

You've done nothing wrong. Ignore her & act like nothings gone on at your family meet up.

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Bramshott · 28/04/2022 11:47

It's your wedding, and of course you shouldn't change the date just on the say so of one family member.

But if you don't have kids in school, you may not realise that taking them out of school is a big deal - it's not often authorised by the school, and may well lead to the parents being fined. It could also be hard for your BIL and SIL to attend even without their kids during term-time if they don't have anyone to do school pick-up and evening babysitting in their absence.

So by sticking with the date, you may have to accept that BIL, SIL and their kids may not be able to attend.

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worraliberty · 28/04/2022 11:50

Bramshott · 28/04/2022 11:47

It's your wedding, and of course you shouldn't change the date just on the say so of one family member.

But if you don't have kids in school, you may not realise that taking them out of school is a big deal - it's not often authorised by the school, and may well lead to the parents being fined. It could also be hard for your BIL and SIL to attend even without their kids during term-time if they don't have anyone to do school pick-up and evening babysitting in their absence.

So by sticking with the date, you may have to accept that BIL, SIL and their kids may not be able to attend.

The OP has 2 kids at school.

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ShirleyPhallus · 28/04/2022 11:52

I’d let your husband deal with it, it’s his sister

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Notonthestairs · 28/04/2022 11:53

Well that's not much more to be done. You understand why why they might not make it and have offered to film or Skype it. What else can you do?

I think it's nice that you've suggested a chance for the siblings to catch up.
Your fiancé will either stick with your wishes or not. I don't think you can get ahead of any arguments - just let it play out and handle any fall out as best you can.

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Bramshott · 28/04/2022 11:54

worraliberty · 28/04/2022 11:50

The OP has 2 kids at school.

Ah yes, that'll teach me to read more closely!

I think my general point still stands - of course they AIBU to ask you to move the date, but given that it now falls in their termtime you WBU if you got pissed off with them for not coming (not that you suggested you would be OP).

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ItsSnowJokes · 28/04/2022 11:56

Bramshott · 28/04/2022 11:47

It's your wedding, and of course you shouldn't change the date just on the say so of one family member.

But if you don't have kids in school, you may not realise that taking them out of school is a big deal - it's not often authorised by the school, and may well lead to the parents being fined. It could also be hard for your BIL and SIL to attend even without their kids during term-time if they don't have anyone to do school pick-up and evening babysitting in their absence.

So by sticking with the date, you may have to accept that BIL, SIL and their kids may not be able to attend.

You wouldn't be fined for missing 1 day of school. It would just be marked as unauthorised absence.


YANBU. SIL is being a selfish, spoilt twat. The world doesn't revolve around her and her family.

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IwaswhoIam · 28/04/2022 11:57

If your SIL can’t go then she can’t go 😆
maybe it’s better she doesn’t!
YANBU ! She’s being difficult.

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TheNoodlesIncident · 28/04/2022 11:57

YANBU, I'm sure you won't be able to change the date whether your fiancé's sister wants to or not, since you will have paid deposits for your bookings, won't you?

She is being very unreasonable because your dates have been known for a while. It's not your fault that it is now inconvenient for your SIL-to-be. It's unfortunate but the only recourse is to look for a manageable way round and if it can't be done, they'll just have to send their regrets.

It's just the way it goes.

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ifonly4 · 28/04/2022 12:00

Date suits you for understandable reasons, ie your DC. I really wouldn't consider changing it. SIL2 knew planned month, so when she knew school holiday date, she should have at least contacted you, not left it until you've got your date.

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HRTQuestions · 28/04/2022 12:00

You wouldn't be fined for missing 1 day of school. It would just be marked as unauthorised absence.
her SIL lives abroad. They absolutely could be fined for taking their DC out of school for a day. Depends on the laws of the country, not the UK.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I wouldn't be changing the date either.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2022 12:02

She's obviously being very unreasonable.

But your last paragraph is extremely odd. Don't marry someone you think is more likely to want to inconvenience his partner than his batty sister. Coerce is madly out of proportion. Why on earth would he be bullied by one member of his family to change something that affects many other people just because he doesn't have you there to give him a backbone?

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maddy68 · 28/04/2022 12:06

I'm not sure it was passive aggressive. She was just stating that the kids holiday dates are now different
I think you're reading this the wrong way

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DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/04/2022 12:07

Your DH needs to deal with it.

but tell him to say ‘well, sis, we chose that date because it worked for everyone at the time and it meant we could actually afford to go on honeymoon. It would be very difficult to change it now, what with contracts having been signed and deposits paid. But I suppose maybe we could try? Hey, would you be will to give us a cash wedding present of £££ so we could afford the honeymoon in school holidays?!?!’

ok, maybe not. But run it past him anyway to highlight how unreasonable SIL is being.

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ShandaLear · 28/04/2022 12:10

Your SIL is making it all about her. It’s not. It’s your day and she knows this. If she can’t make it that’s her choice but if you’ve already sent out Save The Dates then other guests will have booked time off and made travel/hotel arrangements. She can always come alone or find childcare so her DH can come too if the thought of her children missing a day of school for their uncle’s wedding is too much to bear.

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MissusMaisel · 28/04/2022 12:11

HRTQuestions · 28/04/2022 12:00

You wouldn't be fined for missing 1 day of school. It would just be marked as unauthorised absence.
her SIL lives abroad. They absolutely could be fined for taking their DC out of school for a day. Depends on the laws of the country, not the UK.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I wouldn't be changing the date either.

I only know of the UK that has such a bizarre practice. NEver heard of it anywhere in Europe, in most places it would be laughable.

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MadameDragon · 28/04/2022 12:12

In that situation, if I wasn’t a single parent, I would travel alone to my brother’s wedding. Just because her children can’t go doesn’t mean that she can’t.

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Hillarious · 28/04/2022 12:12

Took my kids out of school for two weeks a few years ago to go to the wedding of a friend in the US. She planned the date of her wedding taking into account our availability. She squeezed it in between the Year 6 residential and end of year play. We were lucky she could do this. She had the choice of three dates, and picked the one we could do. Had we not been able to make any of those three dates, we wouldn't have insisted on her finding another (and we did have the worry anyway of paying for five of us to fly to the US).

If the "save the date" notification didn't trigger any problems, it's a bit late now to be changing dates, as many others will have either saved the date or accepted they wouldn't be able to attend.

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ShammyJammy · 28/04/2022 12:13

Of course you don't change your wedding date! So it's not ok for DC to miss school, but it would be for yours when you're on your honeymoon?

Just reiterate how much you'd like them to be there but you understand if they can't make it.

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crispsandwichlife · 28/04/2022 12:13

Sounds like a good thing she won’t be there to be honest

but also this is your dh’s problem not yours

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SarahSissions · 28/04/2022 12:14

I think you are unreasonable for suggesting that she can just take her kids out of school- they are doing well because she takes education seriously. They can’t go, that’s it. Why don’t you just take the lead and say it’s a real shame that you can’t come, but we’d like to all get together for an afternoon tea (or something similarly silly and celebratory) to celebrate the wedding and family x-date after the wedding.

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RosstopherGeller · 28/04/2022 12:15

MissusMaisel · 28/04/2022 12:11

I only know of the UK that has such a bizarre practice. NEver heard of it anywhere in Europe, in most places it would be laughable.

I think Germany is very strict on this

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TeenPlusCat · 28/04/2022 12:15

The obvious solution is SIL comes on her own if they don't want to take the kids out of school.

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