Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Will the Op ever come back and tell us what’s going on?

[Stilsmiling]

So you have organised your wedding for a date that would mean your kids don’t have to miss school, you’ve informed all family of the date so they can decide how to make it work if they want to attend.

Your SIL now has decided that your kids should miss school and not hers?

Has anyone else on the family voiced their opinion? Can anyone else take a step back and look at the situation, where children aren’t allowed to miss a couple of days of school to attend a memorable family occasion for which no books or school experience can provide.

Your OH just needs to find a way to stay calm, acknowledge to his sister that you would be very grateful and would very much like if they could join the family celebration and that changing it it not an option.

Could he maybe speak to his other family members to explain to him how disappointed he would be if his sister couldn’t come and to hopefully get some support before the meal takes place.

[SkoolShoes]

She is not unreasonable to ask if you can change the date - as who knows, it may have been totally doable. However if you can's she should 100% accept that with good grace.

[SquirrelG]

YANBU. Does she seriously think your wedding plans should revolve around her?? If you changed the date - and I really, really, don't think you should - then it might not fit in with someone else who has been invited. Honestly, she sounds like a nightmare, and I wouldn't be disappointed if she couldn't make my wedding. She has two choices - she either goes without the children, or she takes them out of school for a day. Your partner needs to tell her that, firmly.

[Quincythequince]

Why would this affect his MH?

Seriously? Unless she’s outright abusive or he’s unwell in some way, this is not a big deal.

you or him: we are not changing our wedding date this late, nor for you at all. If you can make it, great. If not, so be it.

[NumberTheory]

YANBU to stick to your current wedding date. Your SiL INBUILT to prioritise school for her kids over your wedding if that’s the way she feels. It really isn’t a slight on you of your DP. Some people are really strict about that sort of thing and it’s a shame. But it doesn’t stop you getting married or her wishing you the best.

I would wait to see how things go while she’s here in person. She might just be entitled and nasty, but it doesn’t sound like that’s been your experience of her up to now? She may, as others have said, have screwed up the school holidays. So now be feeling guilty about it and not handling that well. Or maybe there have been changes outside her control and she’s feeling overwhelmed by it and this is just one more disappointment. Give her a bit of time to come to terms with it. When you see her commiserate rather than be tetchy and blaming and see if you can all get back to normal, with the understanding your wedding is going ahead and you’ll miss her if she can’t make it but you’ll understand and it’s really unfortunate the school holidays changed.

[Dotcomma]

I haven't read all comments but the bottom line is it's your wedding, you get to do what works for you and your fiance & children. If other's can't make it that's not your fault. It's the one day in your life that's important to you both and everyone else comes second.

That SIL needs to pipe down, sounds like she's creating drama for the sake of it & recruiting wingmen to back her up - too much of that goes on these days sadly. Your fiance needs to stick to his guns cos the only side he needs to be on is yours.

You've been more than reasonable about her situation, you've even taken a step back and considered her view but I think it's outrageous for her to suggest you change the date to suit her.

Don't be bullied, be strong & stand together on this. Imagine changing everything for her & then she doesn't turn up anyway. I would not budge one inch xx

[Mamanyt]

If people changed their wedding date every time SOMEONE who was invited suddenly had an issue with it, NO ONE would every get married. Tell her politely, but firmly, "I am so sorry. Venues are booked, deposits are paid, and we are now committed to this date." That is, of course, if the venues are actually booked and deposits are actually paid. If not, GET ON THAT!

[dcthatsme]

Not sure which day of the week the wedding is being held on but it's probably unreasonable to expect children to be taken out of school to attend weddings that are taking place on a weekday. If you hold a wedding on a weekday you are going to have to expect that people with school-age children may not be able to attend. That said it would be unreasonable to expect you to change your wedding date. It's your big day and you get to choose when it's held. It's just that it may not be convenient for everyone to attend.

[Onthedunes]

Whatever's happened, maybe she messed up on the dates of the school holidays, or maybe thinks more than a few days would be needed off because they live abroad and it does not fit with work.

Who knows but really you can't be expected to change the wedding plans even if it's not a huge do, other invited guests have pre planned for that day.

She will just have to miss the wedding.
It's not the end of the world.

Have a lovely day
Congrats.

[Mollymoostoo]

What country does she lives in? School holiday dates don't change, they are set 2/3 years in advance.

[Mallysmomma]

I wouldn’t take my children out of school for anything other than illness. I wouldn’t however ask you to change the date of your wedding. I would just say I can’t make it.

[Newbie20]

@Bramshott

It's your wedding, and of course you shouldn't change the date just on the say so of one family member.

But if you don't have kids in school, you may not realise that taking them out of school is a big deal - it's not often authorised by the school, and may well lead to the parents being fined. It could also be hard for your BIL and SIL to attend even without their kids during term-time if they don't have anyone to do school pick-up and evening babysitting in their absence.

So by sticking with the date, you may have to accept that BIL, SIL and their kids may not be able to attend.

I read that she has two young children who would have to be at school and that's why she chose that date so that they could go on their honeymoon during the school holidays

[Bleachmycloths]

I have known several people over the years who have realised that the date of a wedding they are invited to is not the best day for them. NOT ONE has even considered that the date should be changed to suit them. Stick to your guns. Carry on with your plans and ignore her but always be ready to ‘Oh what a pity/we’ll miss you/ we’ll video the wedding…’
A final thought: when very selfish people get their own way they think they’re running the show. Give them an inch etc. You might find that you change the date and then later she says she says ‘ DH are coming alone now as we want the kids to stay in school’ - or something like that.
look after yourselves.
By the way, don’t any other relatives think she is utterly unreasonable and ridiculous?

[Vidax]

Ignore me @BoredZelda I'm talking rubbish

[Vidax]

@BoredZelda

I think you are unreasonable for suggesting that she can just take her kids out of school- they are doing well because she takes education seriously.

It’s one day. I take education really seriously, my daughter is doing really well at school and her reports are excellent. She misses some school because of hospital appointments, and even with that, if I needed to take her out of school for one day, I’d do it. If SIL wants to put 1 day of school over her relationships with her family, that’s quite unreasonable.

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone

In which case you tell him of your concerns before he goes and say the only change to the date will be to cancel it if this happens.

Are you the op?

[Longleggedgiraffe]

I honestly don't understand why you are even asking this question. After offering to accommodate your SIL in every way, you have done that you can. It's your wedding, not your SIL's. Period.

[Ponderingwindow]

Since Covid our school board has made radical changes to the calendar each year and they have done it on surprisingly short notice to the start of the school year and have even made changes mid year. Parents have not been happy.

we also have a little quirk where the end of our year is never set in stone. We have weather closure days. A certain number are built into the calendar. If we go over the allotment, the school year gets extended and the final exams end up being in those last weeks whenever they happen to be. People with any sense don’t plan critical trips too far in advance for the first couple of weeks of summer holidays when their kids are older because you can’t know for sure when the school year will end if we have a bad winter. It’s rare, but it does happen. They will also extend the year for Covid closures. We barely had any weather days this year, but Covid used up the rest of our closure days. If school closes again, our year will get extended.

[Drinkingallthewine]

It's an invite, not a summons.

If she can't make it then that's too bad. That's life. Or are you supposed to rearrange to suit her kids school changing dates last minute then rearrange again when Auntie Marge finally gets that hip appointment she's been on the waiting list for and clashes.

Then you can't pick a date in August because that's back to school prep and an expensive time for parents. September ditto. Forget December for obvious reasons. January? Everyone's broke and nobody needs the expense of a wedding that month. April /May everyone is off skiing, doing mock exams, spending Easter with their ILs. etc etc.

No. Just nip this in the bud. Your date suits you. And it suited everyone in the family when it was booked. And you can't move it now.

[SVRT19674]

I don´t believe her excuse, school dates are known minimum a year before the actual term starts. I´m in Spain also. I´m taking my daughter out of preschool three days in June for a family trip, but I wouldn´t if she were older and was in the middle of exams as they are crucial. But I also wouldn´t have the darned cheek to ask a bride and groom to change their wedding date.
Tell her the correct course of action if you can´t make it is send your regrets in the RSVP.

[lljkk]

fwiw, in 2014, California was running a system where ppl got punished (prosecuted) for one day off school for a special event but same family could request a whole week off for a family holiday without penalty. Pupils had homework assigned during that week.

So UK is not entirely alone in these kinds of rules.

Not everyone can attend a wedding. Tis life.

[Luculentus]

@InstaHun88

It's not just 1 day of school. It's the days of travelling too, the kids can't do their homework, they show up on Tuesday tired and unprepared and will spend a week playing catch up. And what if they have exams in a month or so after that? It could really throw them off at a crucial time.

If the problem is that the school changed its term dates at the end of term, it's pretty unlikely that the children will be due back at school the following week.

[InstaHun88]

It's not just 1 day of school. It's the days of travelling too, the kids can't do their homework, they show up on Tuesday tired and unprepared and will spend a week playing catch up. And what if they have exams in a month or so after that? It could really throw them off at a crucial time.

[FacebookPhotos]

If SIL wants to put 1 day of school over her relationships with her family, that’s quite unreasonable.

Some countries have really strict rules on allowing children to take time out of school. Posters on this thread have explained that missing one day of exams (for example) may mean repeating a whole school year. Or failing to get absence authorised means you get turned away at the airport. No way would I expect my sister to risk those things, even for my wedding.

[BoredZelda]

I think you are unreasonable for suggesting that she can just take her kids out of school- they are doing well because she takes education seriously.

It’s one day. I take education really seriously, my daughter is doing really well at school and her reports are excellent. She misses some school because of hospital appointments, and even with that, if I needed to take her out of school for one day, I’d do it. If SIL wants to put 1 day of school over her relationships with her family, that’s quite unreasonable.

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone

In which case you tell him of your concerns before he goes and say the only change to the date will be to cancel it if this happens.