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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

135 replies

GammaLupin · 28/04/2022 11:36

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 28/04/2022 13:13

worraliberty · 28/04/2022 11:43

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

Is he mentally ill? If so, I'd change my mind last minute and go along with him, if you think there's a danger of it affecting his MH.

If not, just let them crack on and stick to your guns.

That's a cruel message. Of course this sort of situation causes stress & affects mental health.

hellcatspanglelalala · 28/04/2022 13:13

Of course you're not unreasonable, and I hope your fiancé doesn't feel pressured by his sister! It's booked, it's going ahead, they can either come or not. Please don't be tempted to even think about changing it to suit them!

Sooziewoozie · 28/04/2022 13:19

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your future DIL is!! She clearly has no idea how much planning is involved when trying to arrange a wedding. I would have a very serious chat with your fiancé to make sure he is onside before he meets up with them so that he can back you up and make it clear to them that you will not be changing the date. Good luck!

Luculentus · 28/04/2022 13:23

The chances of you being able to change the booking for a wedding this year to take place during the school holidays are realistically nil. You just need to make it clear to her that it's not an option.

Eddielizzard · 28/04/2022 13:24

Ah you have a VIPzilla on your hands...

Smile and wave

JudgeJ · 28/04/2022 13:30

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.

Their's your answer, no need for further discussion, is she doesn't like it tell her you'll send her a piece of cake. She's not essential to your wedding so won't be missed.

Kat1953 · 28/04/2022 13:31

This is her problem not yours.

Don't pander to her.

If you don't want to see them while they're over then don't. I think your response to her sounds great and I would continue in that tone. Polite, incredulous laughter if she insists you change the date might be a good idea.

Look after your dh and don't even think about changing your wedding date.

If she chooses not to come doesn't sound like you'll miss her presence tbh

Astrabees · 28/04/2022 13:32

Surely if you changed the date this might mean there are other people who would not be able to attend?

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 28/04/2022 13:32

So if you change the date, and others then can't make the new date, are you going to keep changing it until it suits everyone else?

She is being V unreasonable.

Exactly as you have done 'this works for us, we hope you can make it'

You both need to stick to your guns.

LemonDrizzleSlice · 28/04/2022 13:36

Take a step back. Stop messaging her. Let her stew. Have confidence in your fiance to handle her.

Just carry on, and she'll see that stamping her foot won't change anything. It will all pass.

Ohmybod · 28/04/2022 13:42

Surely you just say that you can’t change the dates as you have paid deposits that you stand to lose, and that many other people coming have already made their travel and hotel arrangements…this was the reason you told everyone as early as you could back in Nov.

You are not being remotely unreasonable not changing the date. But perhaps have faith in your DH and let him take this up with her. Is she is older sister? Does she have form for dominating or coercing him? If not, let him deal with his family.

Sally872 · 28/04/2022 13:47

If your fiance is likely to feel pressured or change is mind the polite lie is "we have inquired about moving it but no other dares available. We would lose our deposits and other family have booked AL based on save the date cards." (tbh that is probably true about venue.)

TheSillyMastiff · 28/04/2022 13:52

Just lie to her, say on reflection you called the venue to try and change but deposits had already been paid and they were non-refundable, and the venue due to pandemic back log also couldn't find a suitable date in 2022.

Problem solved, pass the blame on to the venue 😂

Strugglingtodomybest · 28/04/2022 13:53

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

Nothing. Nothing. No, YANBU.

This stuck out for me from your OP:

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

I'm interested in why you think that this is your problem to solve, because, and I mean this kindly, it really isn't. Your DH hasn't replied to his sister, but you have. You are getting too involved in their relationship. Let your DH deal with this and stop worrying about it. I'm assuming that since SIL lives abroad they don't see much of each other, so if they do fall out about this, it won't have much of an affect on you will it?

I realise that this makes me sound quite cold, but believe me when I say, I have been where you are now and I have learnt the hard way.

InkyPinkyParlez · 28/04/2022 13:55

This is DP's job. He needs to be calm and measured, and resist rising to her energy level. Of course you'll miss them, how very unlucky that the school dates changed.

She's over-reacting, but people do sometimes, often when they have something much bigger, and less about you, going on in the background.

chisanunian · 28/04/2022 13:56

"So sorry, we can't change the date at this late stage, too many other arrangements have already been made and paid for."

That should do it.

dammit88 · 28/04/2022 13:57

Im going a bit against the grain here. If you vaguely said the wedding was 'July' for example knowing the kids were school age and the need to travel, I would have thought you would defiantly arrange for the wedding to be in the school holidays if that was the only way very close family could attend. it sounds as though the wedding is actually before the school holidays though - just the honeymoon will fit in them. And I can see why they would be a bit upset about that. But agree that doesn't mean you have to change it even if you were able to at this point.

Luculentus · 28/04/2022 14:01

dammit88 · 28/04/2022 13:57

Im going a bit against the grain here. If you vaguely said the wedding was 'July' for example knowing the kids were school age and the need to travel, I would have thought you would defiantly arrange for the wedding to be in the school holidays if that was the only way very close family could attend. it sounds as though the wedding is actually before the school holidays though - just the honeymoon will fit in them. And I can see why they would be a bit upset about that. But agree that doesn't mean you have to change it even if you were able to at this point.

OP says she gave them the exact date last November, not something vague.

SIL lives abroad, so not on the same term dates as the UK, and the only reason this has become a problem for her is that school holiday dates have changed. No reason for her to be upset at OP.

Rosey22 · 28/04/2022 14:05

This is the issue with midweek weddings and it’s the chance you take when you don’t get married on a Saturday or Sunday.

ImTheFuckOffCar · 28/04/2022 14:06

Also don’t understand the comment about him being ‘coerced’ into changing the date. He doesn’t want to change it, you don’t want to change it. She can come alone if she can’t bring the children. Or chose not to. Her decision.

Drinkingallthewine · 28/04/2022 14:15

I'm planning a wedding this year - and it's the busiest year ever for weddings because lots of the 2020 and 2021 put off theirs and you've got a lot of co-habitiees who also got a reality kick about their precarious non-legal status with regard to each other in the midst of a deadly virus.

So even if you wanted to change your date, it's highly likely that you can't. In fact to ward off any future accusations, I'd recommend that you briefly look into it, conclude the same after speaking to a few suppliers then go back on the family chat and say "we looked into moving the date but everything is booked up now and we, can't move the date now, soz". That way you can't be accused then of being immovable because you did 'try'.

You will not please everyone. I've planned the most laid back, low key small wedding ever and you would be surprised at the amount of drama some family have managed to wring from non-issues. And not everyone can make it to mine either. But they aren't dicks and understand that the whole world does not revolve around them.

InstaHun88 · 28/04/2022 14:17

She cannot take her teenagers out of school, YABU for even suggesting that.

She is your fiancé's sister, not yours, and he should have communicated it. Don't take these things upon yourself because you will also take all the blame and you will regret it in years to come. Take this from someone who made similar mistakes, you will end up being blamed for everything- and it may not bother you so much now, but it will really grate in years to come.

And tbh, YABU for organising your wedding in term time when you know you have children in the family. Your wedding, your choice, but your choice has caused your SIL to not be able to come which was always going to cause upset and bad feelings. So you need to deal with that. I would have had more sympathy if you hadn't suggested she take teenagers out of school.

sillysmiles · 28/04/2022 14:24

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.

This is your problem here. He needs to pick up the phone and ring her and ask her what she's thinking - of course you can't change the date at this stage, things are booked.
But his sister - leave it to him to engage.

Quartz2208 · 28/04/2022 14:25

What has actually been said by his sister.

Because unless there is a massive backstory or a fairly awful message from her I cant quite work out what your fiancé reacted so badly and hasnt contacted her.

And the fact is she may be waiting for him to do so.

So did she actually come straight out and ask or did she simply say she couldnt come

diddl · 28/04/2022 14:26

Is it really likely that school holidays have changed?

Even if so, older teens could surely get themselves to & from school & fend for themselves after school until dad gets in?

So SIL could come alone as childcare isn't an issue.

If your OH does pressured-couldn't he just say that you would look into changing & then follow up that it wasn't possible?

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