Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

Rift? Affecting his mental health? Good grief, so much drama over your SIL having and absurd tantrum. Why you're giving this any headspace is beyond me. Of course you're not going to change your bloody date to accommodate her ridiculous demands.

Don't even think of pandering to her.

You've kept them informed all along the way about when you were thinking of getting married - everyone agreed
You've booked the date and the venue - everyone agreed
Now something in their dairy has changed, which you have absolutely no control over, and they expect you to change the date and scupper not only your plans but also of all your other guests - of course this is lunacy.

You and your OH need to be rock solid on this. Do not capitulate.
I am guessing you would be completely out of pocket if you changed the date. How much would you lose? Tell her. Ask her if she is willing to pay and how to communicate to all the other guests.

Affect his mental health how? You mean experience normal difficult emotions? Or develop a mental illness?

I wouldn’t change the date, and if my partner put his wishes over mine I’d rethink the wedding altogether.

I don't think you should change the date. However, if the timing is such that they could make it for a 2pm wedding but not for a 12 noon one, you might look at whether such an adjustment would be helpful. That sort of change might be relatively easily managed, depending on where you are getting married/having the reception.

Of course YANBU but even before the last part of your post I was thinking your DP should have been the one to send the diplomatic message, not you. She's his sister and his responsibility, and now she's turned you into the scapegoat, which often happens with non family members. He should have shielded you from that.

Combining that with what you've later said about him being coerced into it and his mental health being impacted, he sounds really weak willed. Unless he has some sort of ongoing severe mental health issue?

BiL got married abroad (in the country he lived in, which wasn't where we lived, or where they were born) in term time. DH went alone, and I stayed at home with the kids.

There is no way we'd have asked for the dates to move. SiL is unreasonable.

If they are married themselves then they should understand the amount of planning and preparation that goes into a wedding (depending on how far you go with it, obviously). It’s not that easy to just change everything at the drop of a hat, your suppliers may not all be available on a new date, especially as it’s this year as well? It’s different if you both want to change it because you feel strongly about having everyone there, but seeing as you don’t, I don’t really see it as open for discussion. It’s your day and speaking as someone who got married during covid, we had a lot of people that should have been there but couldn’t, and it’s just one of those things that you have to get on with. You can’t delay your life for anyone else’s schedule/holidays!

I agree with above. I live in Spain, end of term exams are hugely important and if missed result in an automatic repeat of year (14 yr old DD) and are in June as schools break up mid June. I don[t think fines ar relevant, the whole education of the DC and her social life would be affected henceforth.

You should not change your dates though!

However, you should stick to your plans.

Just go along to any family meet ups and front it out, be nice, pleasant and interested in SIL and her family etc. Basically kill with kindness.

you can’t possibly change the date now. It’s set and if her availability has changed then that is her issue to sort.
but don’t go apologising, you’ve done nothing wrong. Also don’t offer her solutions. She knows her options so if she brings it up, saying she doesn’t think they can come if the date doesn’t change, just reply that’s a real shame, we’ll of course miss you’ then change the subject.

so just ignore her strop and continue as you normally would.

Sorry, Spanish keyboard doesn[t like the new mumsnet.

Stick to your plans OP. Just recognise she may have serious problems coming, why she didn[t know before defeats me!

Keep the original date and then she won't be able to go

Win/win

Imagine if you change the date and then she still doesn't come. You'll never forgive yourself. She needs putting in her place, she sounds entitled.

YANBU

It wouldn't even occur to me to pander to this silly woman. If your DP even considers it for one second, then you really need to consider whether he's the one for you at all.

Even if you did move it, as it is closer to the actual date, there is likely someone else who can't make it.

Stand your ground.

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

does your fiancé have fragile mental health? Is your SIL known to damage his mental health? If so, it would be the responsible thing for him to not go to this dinner, but that’s up to your fiancé.

or, are you worried that your future SIL is going to bully/persuade your fiancé into changing his mind, creating problems for you?

if your fiancé allows himself to have his mind changed, in your shoes I’d just tell him that date change doesn’t work for you and that he has to decide who he wants to piss off the most: the bride or one future sister in law. There’s not really much else to it.

Surely school holidays don't just change. You gave the date only a few months ago so it's the same academic year
I smell BS

We took our kids out of school for the day for BIL wedding - it was a weekday in term time, school approved it - I know of people taking kids out for a few days for family weddings abroad, they don't happen often do they. Wouldn't dream of asking a sibling to move wedding date to accommodate children's schooling - either they miss a day or they don't come - not really a huge deal either way.

I would also be curious what country they're in because @RosstopherGeller is right, they are very strict about this in Germany as well. If you try to fly abroad with a school-age child during term time, they will ask for proof in writing that the school authorised the trip, otherwise they can turn you away. (They don't ask 100% of the time but often enough so that you can't take the risk and have to get trips authorised.)

I'm only really familiar with the UK system, but "the term dates have changed" sounds odd to me - at that short notice? Really? In my experience, term dates were known at least two years ahead, and posted on the website of every school where I worked. Educational issues aside, other factors may include building and maintenance work, or alternative use of the site, plus additional changes such as extra Bank Holidays.
Something has cropped up at "her end", or she doesn't want to lose face by admitting that she assumed the holidays would be the same.
A college friend of mine, who lived in Italy when her children were of school age, confirmed to me that moving up a year was not automatic in Italian schools, so, as in Spain, missing crucial exams could be a big problem.

She's ridiculous.
She's not the bride or groom.
It's too late to change the date.
She can attend via Zoom.
The entitled behaviour!

YANBU.

My brother is getting married and it falls on my youngest's second day of reception. It's really inconvenient but I wouldn't ask them to move the date!

I think you're making a bit of a mountain out of this tbh. She's asked you to live the date, you don't want to. So don't. Just tell her you can't and move on with your life. 🙄

I wouldn’t take my kids out of school for a wedding or use annual leave for myself (we’ve missed 2 for this since it’s becoming more popular to book the cheaper midweek dates to get a fancier venue) and YANBU to not move the date. It will be fine, they will either come or they won’t but there’s no need for a big drama either way.

Unbelievably arrogant to ask someone to change their wedding date. Seems a great result that SIL2 can’t come.

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone

is he very easily swayed or something?!

I can’t imagine worrying about something like this-if DH and I had made a plan, he wouldn’t be shifting from it, no matter what his sister said. If he was so easy persuaded into doing something stupid, I would be having second thoughts about marrying him.

Doeshe has mental health problems-apologies, I haven’t seen you say that-but perhaps you need to go with him if so.