Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

It seems like a huge drama about something so small.

Her DCs really wouldn't miss that much from one day of school, but that is her decision to make so I wouldn't go down that route again.

You can't reschedule because everything is already arranged for that date and it works for everyone else. It's a real shame that school dates have changed but unfortunately that's just life sometimes.

I'm not sure why your fiancé is getting so upset about it, it's clear she's being unreasonable.

I’m usually someone who never agrees to children being out of school if they are healthy, but if the school really has changed their dates then it’s on them if children miss school.

From the way the sil has sent the message, I don’t think I’d believe that the school just changed their dates. In that situation you’d be pissed off with the school, apologising to the bride and groom as soon as you knew it was a problem, or you’d take them out of school anyway. You wouldn’t wait for message about the wedding and then mention that it’s not convenient and expect the date to change.

She either got the dates wrong and is frustrated with herself about it, or there’s some other reason why she doesn’t want to come that weekend, or at all.

Do not change your Wedding date. She sounds like a spoilt child.

She gave the date and they agreed!
It's only now they want it changing

Sil 2 is a flake. Tell her ok well don't attend, simple!

My ds missed 2 days of school for a family wedding and the school were totally fine with it because I'd let them know not just taken him out

"I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health."

This is the part that stands out to me? Why do you feel this way? Is your fiancé really that weak?

It is impossible to tell who is being unreasonable because you haven't actually posted what she wrote in the message. There is a big difference between "we can't make it on that day because the children have to be in school", "any chance you could move the date because we can't make that one" and "you need to move the date so we can attend". (first one is fine, second one is cheeky and the last one is completely unreasonable.)

Unless they already have a poor relationship I think it is pretty bad that your fiancé didn't reply his sister tbh. Even just "we can't change the date, its such a shame you can't make it".

Your fiancé is unreasonable to be annoyed that she won’t take the children out of school. Not all schools are ok with that and it shouldn’t be expected. I didn’t quite understand the dates business- you get married a week before school holidays? So they go back to school for a week and then you head off on holiday? I think if you have a wedding in term time you possibly have to accept that family from abroad won’t be able to come. They’d be flying Friday night or Saturday morning to get there in time then going back Sunday? I think it’s fine to choose whatever date you like but I also think your fiancé needs to accept that relatives from abroad are not necessarily all going to be able to make it

And I agree that this doesn’t say you need to change the date or that they’re not coming “She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.”
and why is your fiancé ignoring her?

I think you are unreasonable for suggesting that she can just take her kids out of school- they are doing well because she takes education seriously.

It’s one day. I take education really seriously, my daughter is doing really well at school and her reports are excellent. She misses some school because of hospital appointments, and even with that, if I needed to take her out of school for one day, I’d do it. If SIL wants to put 1 day of school over her relationships with her family, that’s quite unreasonable.

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone

In which case you tell him of your concerns before he goes and say the only change to the date will be to cancel it if this happens.

If SIL wants to put 1 day of school over her relationships with her family, that’s quite unreasonable.

Some countries have really strict rules on allowing children to take time out of school. Posters on this thread have explained that missing one day of exams (for example) may mean repeating a whole school year. Or failing to get absence authorised means you get turned away at the airport. No way would I expect my sister to risk those things, even for my wedding.

It's not just 1 day of school. It's the days of travelling too, the kids can't do their homework, they show up on Tuesday tired and unprepared and will spend a week playing catch up. And what if they have exams in a month or so after that? It could really throw them off at a crucial time.

If the problem is that the school changed its term dates at the end of term, it's pretty unlikely that the children will be due back at school the following week.

fwiw, in 2014, California was running a system where ppl got punished (prosecuted) for one day off school for a special event but same family could request a whole week off for a family holiday without penalty. Pupils had homework assigned during that week.

So UK is not entirely alone in these kinds of rules.

Not everyone can attend a wedding. Tis life.

I don´t believe her excuse, school dates are known minimum a year before the actual term starts. I´m in Spain also. I´m taking my daughter out of preschool three days in June for a family trip, but I wouldn´t if she were older and was in the middle of exams as they are crucial. But I also wouldn´t have the darned cheek to ask a bride and groom to change their wedding date.
Tell her the correct course of action if you can´t make it is send your regrets in the RSVP.

It's an invite, not a summons.

If she can't make it then that's too bad. That's life. Or are you supposed to rearrange to suit her kids school changing dates last minute then rearrange again when Auntie Marge finally gets that hip appointment she's been on the waiting list for and clashes.

Then you can't pick a date in August because that's back to school prep and an expensive time for parents. September ditto. Forget December for obvious reasons. January? Everyone's broke and nobody needs the expense of a wedding that month. April /May everyone is off skiing, doing mock exams, spending Easter with their ILs. etc etc.

No. Just nip this in the bud. Your date suits you. And it suited everyone in the family when it was booked. And you can't move it now.

Since Covid our school board has made radical changes to the calendar each year and they have done it on surprisingly short notice to the start of the school year and have even made changes mid year. Parents have not been happy.

we also have a little quirk where the end of our year is never set in stone. We have weather closure days. A certain number are built into the calendar. If we go over the allotment, the school year gets extended and the final exams end up being in those last weeks whenever they happen to be. People with any sense don’t plan critical trips too far in advance for the first couple of weeks of summer holidays when their kids are older because you can’t know for sure when the school year will end if we have a bad winter. It’s rare, but it does happen. They will also extend the year for Covid closures. We barely had any weather days this year, but Covid used up the rest of our closure days. If school closes again, our year will get extended.

I honestly don't understand why you are even asking this question. After offering to accommodate your SIL in every way, you have done that you can. It's your wedding, not your SIL's. Period.

Are you the op?

Ignore me @BoredZelda I'm talking rubbish

I have known several people over the years who have realised that the date of a wedding they are invited to is not the best day for them. NOT ONE has even considered that the date should be changed to suit them. Stick to your guns. Carry on with your plans and ignore her but always be ready to ‘Oh what a pity/we’ll miss you/ we’ll video the wedding…’
A final thought: when very selfish people get their own way they think they’re running the show. Give them an inch etc. You might find that you change the date and then later she says she says ‘ DH are coming alone now as we want the kids to stay in school’ - or something like that.

look after yourselves.
By the way, don’t any other relatives think she is utterly unreasonable and ridiculous?

I read that she has two young children who would have to be at school and that's why she chose that date so that they could go on their honeymoon during the school holidays

I wouldn’t take my children out of school for anything other than illness. I wouldn’t however ask you to change the date of your wedding. I would just say I can’t make it.

What country does she lives in? School holiday dates don't change, they are set 2/3 years in advance.