Told future SIL our wedding date, she wants it moved.

[GammaLupin]

I got engaged to my partner in 2020, all was great. We decided there was no point trying to get married in 21 because of pandemic problems, so we announced, mid 2021, to our families that we'd get married in [month- sorry I'm being vague, I'm scared she'll find this)] of 2022.

Everyone seemed fine with this, so we went ahead and started making arrangements for our chosen date.

Our date is ideal because it's a week before school holidays, so we can take our honeymoon during the school holiday week, and we have two young kids who would otherwise need to be at school during this time, so it all works in perfectly.

Partner and I made it clear to both families that our chosen date was going ahead- this was back in November of 2021.
Again, nobody objected.

I have two future SILs.
SIL 1 lives in the UK, runs her own business, and although she's there pretty much 24/7, she's fine to close for the wedding day.

SIL 2 lives abroad. She has two older teenage children and a husband. Both adults work regularly, both kids are at school.

A few days back, I messaged the family group chat to excitedly talk about how much progress has been made for our chosen date.
SIL 2 then writes and deletes a message, then writes another very passive aggressive one.
Basically, the school holidays for them have now changed, so our date is no longer convenient.
Her attitude was that we should change it.
She made a big thing of how they'd probably not manage to get over for that weekend because they'd have to ask for a day off school.

I'd like to say that these kids are really smart. One day missed would not damage their education. She's told us all about their glowing reports, and all the extracurricular activities they exceed at.

My fiancé was really upset by her message. He hasn't messaged her at all, since.
After a night of processing what she'd said, I found a polite way of saying that it'd be nice if their family could make it over, but we understood if they couldn't, and we could always Zoom video call the wedding.

I've tried to keep things civil and open as possible, I always try to look for diplomatic solutions, but now SIL 2 is ignoring my messages, and just responding to other family members in the group.

My fiancé doesn't want to change the date, and neither do I.
I'm not sure how to fix the rift that it feels like is forming.

Worse still, SIL 2 and family are visiting the UK this week, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow for a bit. And then my fiancé, alone, is due to attend a dinner with them. (I'd suggested this quite some time before the rift, as I felt it would be nice for him to have some alone time with his relatives, and I'd stay home with the kids.)

I'm really worried SIL 2 is going to try coercing him into changing the wedding date when they're alone, and while I know he feels strongly about not changing it, I worry how this will effect his mental health.

What can I do? What should I do? AIBU not to change my wedding date?

[Onthedunes]

Whatever's happened, maybe she messed up on the dates of the school holidays, or maybe thinks more than a few days would be needed off because they live abroad and it does not fit with work.

Who knows but really you can't be expected to change the wedding plans even if it's not a huge do, other invited guests have pre planned for that day.

She will just have to miss the wedding.
It's not the end of the world.

Have a lovely day
Congrats.

[dcthatsme]

Not sure which day of the week the wedding is being held on but it's probably unreasonable to expect children to be taken out of school to attend weddings that are taking place on a weekday. If you hold a wedding on a weekday you are going to have to expect that people with school-age children may not be able to attend. That said it would be unreasonable to expect you to change your wedding date. It's your big day and you get to choose when it's held. It's just that it may not be convenient for everyone to attend.

[Mamanyt]

If people changed their wedding date every time SOMEONE who was invited suddenly had an issue with it, NO ONE would every get married. Tell her politely, but firmly, "I am so sorry. Venues are booked, deposits are paid, and we are now committed to this date." That is, of course, if the venues are actually booked and deposits are actually paid. If not, GET ON THAT!

[Dotcomma]

I haven't read all comments but the bottom line is it's your wedding, you get to do what works for you and your fiance & children. If other's can't make it that's not your fault. It's the one day in your life that's important to you both and everyone else comes second.

That SIL needs to pipe down, sounds like she's creating drama for the sake of it & recruiting wingmen to back her up - too much of that goes on these days sadly. Your fiance needs to stick to his guns cos the only side he needs to be on is yours.

You've been more than reasonable about her situation, you've even taken a step back and considered her view but I think it's outrageous for her to suggest you change the date to suit her.

Don't be bullied, be strong & stand together on this. Imagine changing everything for her & then she doesn't turn up anyway. I would not budge one inch xx

[NumberTheory]

YANBU to stick to your current wedding date. Your SiL INBUILT to prioritise school for her kids over your wedding if that’s the way she feels. It really isn’t a slight on you of your DP. Some people are really strict about that sort of thing and it’s a shame. But it doesn’t stop you getting married or her wishing you the best.

I would wait to see how things go while she’s here in person. She might just be entitled and nasty, but it doesn’t sound like that’s been your experience of her up to now? She may, as others have said, have screwed up the school holidays. So now be feeling guilty about it and not handling that well. Or maybe there have been changes outside her control and she’s feeling overwhelmed by it and this is just one more disappointment. Give her a bit of time to come to terms with it. When you see her commiserate rather than be tetchy and blaming and see if you can all get back to normal, with the understanding your wedding is going ahead and you’ll miss her if she can’t make it but you’ll understand and it’s really unfortunate the school holidays changed.

[Quincythequince]

Why would this affect his MH?

Seriously? Unless she’s outright abusive or he’s unwell in some way, this is not a big deal.

you or him: we are not changing our wedding date this late, nor for you at all. If you can make it, great. If not, so be it.

[SquirrelG]

YANBU. Does she seriously think your wedding plans should revolve around her?? If you changed the date - and I really, really, don't think you should - then it might not fit in with someone else who has been invited. Honestly, she sounds like a nightmare, and I wouldn't be disappointed if she couldn't make my wedding. She has two choices - she either goes without the children, or she takes them out of school for a day. Your partner needs to tell her that, firmly.

[SkoolShoes]

She is not unreasonable to ask if you can change the date - as who knows, it may have been totally doable. However if you can's she should 100% accept that with good grace.

[Stilsmiling]

So you have organised your wedding for a date that would mean your kids don’t have to miss school, you’ve informed all family of the date so they can decide how to make it work if they want to attend.

Your SIL now has decided that your kids should miss school and not hers?

Has anyone else on the family voiced their opinion? Can anyone else take a step back and look at the situation, where children aren’t allowed to miss a couple of days of school to attend a memorable family occasion for which no books or school experience can provide.

Your OH just needs to find a way to stay calm, acknowledge to his sister that you would be very grateful and would very much like if they could join the family celebration and that changing it it not an option.

Could he maybe speak to his other family members to explain to him how disappointed he would be if his sister couldn’t come and to hopefully get some support before the meal takes place.

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Will the Op ever come back and tell us what’s going on?