Annoyed at the Opticians.

[johnandsally]

My 10 ASD child had an appointment at the Optician for a routine eye appointment.

Before the appointment, she was really stressed out and was really worrying that her current frames had been discontinued. She has worn the same style frame for 5 years. She loves these frames!

Before the appointment we went and checked that they were still available, they were, all was good.

After the appointment, we always look at the other frames and she will maybe try on another 2-3 pairs, at this point I was certain, she would be choosing the same frames as before. Whilst trying them on, I was praising her and how lovely the alternative frames were etc.

This is a process we have adopted over the 7 years she has worn glasses and works well.

Out of nowhere a member of staff appeared and said really loudly "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position and said really calmly and nicely, "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

We carried on trying on the glasses and we were talking each pair through.

Then again, the member of staff appeared and said "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position again and said nicely and calmly "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

Five minutes later.... back they come.... "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body AGAIN into a stop position and said "I know, but we really are fine, thank you" Staff member then said "Well an optician needs to check and they will tell you they are too big and can't have them"

At this point, my daughter began dancing on the spot and was clinging onto me for dear life and I very sternly said "I know, we are working through a process here and you are not helping"

They finally left us alone.

I feel really guilty that I got so arsy, they were only doing their job, but seriously, AIBU to think that we should of been left alone the FIRST time I asked!!

They don't need to phone ahead. It was trying on 3 pairs of glasses. That's not a massive adjustment and is something many other kids would want to do.

I don't think the OP has done anything particularly wrong,
just that maybe she needed to communicate more clearly the first time, so that in future she can prevent unwanted interaction the first time round, rather than the 3rd.
Obviously ASD is an issue generally, but in this instance it doesn't really make much difference because, if I've understood correctly, the glasses were from the correct section and they limited themselves to the assigned 3 pairs.
The employee commenting was giving opinions on the look of items, not the fit. Some people will like discussing with others, others won't, it's a personal preference.
My daughter (NT) was trying on clothes in a small shop the other day. An assistant was hovering round trying to ask how things were going, suggest items etc. Completely appropriate behaviour for someone working in a shop. My daughter however, doesn't like it so I said. Thanks very much for your help, but my my daughter feels more comfortable trying things on by herself. She said, no problem. We both smiled and that was that.
In this case you didn't need any adjustments, just to let the employee know that their opinions weren't welcome, in a friendly way, because some people would enjoy the interaction.

The hand gesture sounds incredibly rude. Use your words. That alone makes you unreasonable. It doesn't sound complicated to explain why you were trying on the frames even though they were too big.

I don't see how staff are meant to make allowances for disabilities if they aren't informed about them.

This is a disability reasonable accommodation to allow the OPs autistic child to navigate a situation that can cause real upset to them, if that means you have to clean 3 whole frames, so be it. The law says you must.

The shop can only be expected to implement 'reasonable accommodations' if they know their customer is disabled though.

the ableism is rank.

It's not ableism if the person did not know.

If someone wants, as is their right, adjustments or accommodations then it needs to be communicated to the staff otherwise they will be treated like any other customer.

Sometimes if things go wrong when I travel by train and I have to change or get a replacement bus unexpectedly I have to speak up and make it known that I am autistic and then the staff will take extra steps to ensure I get my transfer safely. Without telling them they do not know and cannot be expected to make adjustments in the form of taking me to another train/bus or asking station staff to help me.

What i do think is that the communication between staff members is what has let OP DD down here, as they should all have been aware that they had an autistic child in so they could all make adjustments where they saw necessary. Then again this is mumsnet and people would probably complain that all the staff were told when it's not their business 🤦🏻‍♀️

As the OP was trying on frames already checked by someone in store, it sounds more like the store needs to communicate with each other better and trust each other to look after their customers.

If the assistant was somehow confused by two rounds of "I know but we really are fine" then maybe a quick check with their colleagues to find out who was looking after these customers was competent might be better?

As for the hand gesture [shrug]. It's a gesture. We're primates, we use words and hands and facial expressions and body position, often all at the same time, as part of our communication method. That's why we have a word for it

Can you please quote where OP said she "waved her hand" in the guy's face please? I have obviously missed that vital bit, as putting your hand up to say "stop" and waving a hand in a face are totally different situations.

Thanks

The optician and the assistant who was dealing with the OP knew. No one else needs to know as it’s not their business.

Also, @crackingreward the ableism is from people on this thread who are well aware.

It's not ableism. Not one single person has said the DD should have done anything differently. The issue is not the situation. The issue is how OP handled the situation

It doesn't sound complicated to explain why you were trying on the frames even though they were too big

I'm confused about why the OP needed to explain anything. "We are fine thank you" seems pretty clear to me. The autism is completely irrelevant. If you are a customer and you tell a sales assistant you are fine, that should be the end of the matter unless they are about to close or you're about to tip a load of stock over or similar.

They tried on THREE pairs. Not the entire shop!

And no a simple explanation was neither owed nor required!

OP also SAID ‘I know but we’re fine thank you’. That is asking to be left alone.

@TheOriginalEmu

The optician and the assistant who was dealing with the OP knew. No one else needs to know as it’s not their business.

They did need to know if we are expecting reasonable adjustment though. Nobody can make adjustments without knowing they need to.

I don't think you can call peoples differing opinions ableism.

How is wanting to be left alone a "reasonable adjustment" request?

How is wanting to be left alone a "reasonable adjustment" request?

Well I don't think it is, but the discussion I was having was regarding reasonable adjustment. I know it's hard but you can follow it if you choose to.

The previous poster said that the optician and the assigned assistant knew about the DD's autism, and that the bothersome assistant didn't need to know.
Your argument is that the bothersome assistant did need to know to be able to make adjustments.
My argument is that the bothersome assistant wasn't being required to make adjustments, so why did he need to know?

So what did I miss?

That poster was responding to a previous comment about reasonable adjustment. I just reiterated. That's what you missed.

I feel gaslit. 😳

You said previously that ALL staff should have been told about DD's autism. We're saying no, ALL staff didn't need to be told. The people who needed to know were told.

When OP made it clear bothersome assistant's opinion wasn't needed, he should have backed off and stayed back.

I feel gaslit. 😳

Oh away and catch yourself a grip.

Perhaps all shop assistants need training on how not to bother people and how "no" means "no" like it does in other walks of life. A say this as an autistic person who was followed around Lush being talked at - no to - by an assistant to the point where my brain no longer worked and I walked out.

Reasonable accommodations for disabled and ND people tend to benefit the whole population funnily enough.

But having been told the first time that they were ok, they should have been left alone.

Another twice was rude

A say this as an autistic person who was followed around Lush being talked at - no to - by an assistant to the point where my brain no longer worked and I walked out.

I'm NT (as far as I'm aware) and I'd have the exact same reaction. In fact, I wouldn't spend enough time in Lush for my brain to stop working because the smell is overwhelming.

I think the problem lies within the hand gesture @johnandsally ! If you had just taken the optical assistant /dispensing optician to the side and said you know she doesn't need you coming to tell us they're too big as we've already explained to the optometrist and handover assistant this is the case thank you very much! Not the hand gestures etc

That's kind of an everyone thing though