Annoyed at the Opticians.

[johnandsally]

My 10 ASD child had an appointment at the Optician for a routine eye appointment.

Before the appointment, she was really stressed out and was really worrying that her current frames had been discontinued. She has worn the same style frame for 5 years. She loves these frames!

Before the appointment we went and checked that they were still available, they were, all was good.

After the appointment, we always look at the other frames and she will maybe try on another 2-3 pairs, at this point I was certain, she would be choosing the same frames as before. Whilst trying them on, I was praising her and how lovely the alternative frames were etc.

This is a process we have adopted over the 7 years she has worn glasses and works well.

Out of nowhere a member of staff appeared and said really loudly "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position and said really calmly and nicely, "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

We carried on trying on the glasses and we were talking each pair through.

Then again, the member of staff appeared and said "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position again and said nicely and calmly "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

Five minutes later.... back they come.... "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body AGAIN into a stop position and said "I know, but we really are fine, thank you" Staff member then said "Well an optician needs to check and they will tell you they are too big and can't have them"

At this point, my daughter began dancing on the spot and was clinging onto me for dear life and I very sternly said "I know, we are working through a process here and you are not helping"

They finally left us alone.

I feel really guilty that I got so arsy, they were only doing their job, but seriously, AIBU to think that we should of been left alone the FIRST time I asked!!

Also, you said before how your DD's nose needed to grow 1mm (which is actually quite a lot in terms of glasses size) but now the optician said they were appropriate?! How would you know if you had only just tried them out?

It was like this, but one handed.

What on earth is rude about no thank you?

If the assistant thought op's body language was rude, ok wonder why they went back to say exactly the same thing twice more? Surely if you were trying to assist a customer and you thought they were rude to you, you wouldn't go to them again - you'd wait till they asked for assistance?

I would see that as rude but I'm not good with social queues (what was it someone said - a walnut?) But given that they were stopping her have them purely on a style view and unsolicited then they deserved rudeness.

Personally I think that gesture along with "we're fine thanks" is pretty clear. No need for pushy salesperson to bother you.

However, a few years ago I was chased around a shop and when I said "I'm fine, I am just looking", I got told "we don't do self-service here". So I walked out. I know it's more difficult to do with something like glasses, though you can take your prescription anywhere.

Ableist? Get a grip. It's not ableist to point out that communication in the form of a 'stop hand signal' is not effective in this situation. This kind of thing really takes away from the actual issue of ableism

What on earth is rude about no thank you? you can just say it. You don't need to be like Woah back off with your hands.

Yeah - still odd and ill mannered.

@Pixies74 Because she was obsessing about the fact he said they were too big for her, so I said that as a measurable explanation.

The optician came with us first, then handed us over to our assigned assistant. There were 3 pairs in total. The optician and the assistant both saw at different times the 3 pairs she had selected. They were all suitable. She tried the same 3 pairs on, many, many, many times.

Where is there any suggestion that the OP and her dd were treating it as a dress-up session or a theme park?

I don't think there was. So why make that unhelpful and irrelevant comment?

So if the optician and the assistant were both dealing with you, why didn't you say to the other assistant "We're being looked after by the optician but thanks for your help". That would have shut the interaction down immediately.

There were 3 pairs in total. The optician and the assistant both saw at different times the 3 pairs she had selected. They were all suitable. She tried the same 3 pairs on, many, many, many times.

Can you please clarify OP: did she try these 3 pairs on, which were fine, and then start pointing out some others when he came over to comment, or was he commenting on the 3 pairs already selected?

Op you sound like hard work, it's like the equivalent of clicking your fingers at a server in a restaurant. RUDE.

She said "we're fine thank you" at the same time as the hand gesture. The way nearly all hand gestures are used, alongside verbal communication for emphasis or clarity. Or do you never say hello and wave at the same time?

If you had explained properly and told the assistant that your dc has autism so needs to be able to do their own thing, then you could have averted the whole issue. They would then have understood and left you alone. People aren't mind-readers.

Tbh, I think you could’ve been clearer the first time. No you shouldn’t have to disclose things but if your daughter’s 10, you’ll know by now that a lot of people don’t ‘get it’ unless it’s spelt out to them. But yes, they should’ve left you alone after the first time. I had the opposite with my daughter. Assistant knew she had bi vocals, watched as we spent ages choosing a pair and then said ‘oh she can’t have these for bifocals, they’re too small you can only have from this (tiny) section’!

Op you sound like hard work

Bingo! I call bingo!

Am I the first? Do I get a prize?

I find it bizarre all these people saying using your hands is rude, or that she wasn't being clear enough.

I think you were both clear and perfectly polite given your circumstances as a parent and customer - using your hands to gesture is both totally normal, especially if you were getting the feeling they might come too close to your child to 'help', and you were very clear that you didn't need that help (plus you already had seen the optician and had your own assistant, and your little tray with the frames on it.)

YANBU, you told them you were fine which implies, 'go away, we don't need your help' very clearly to me.

I'm the same and very happy with Ace & Tate glasses. Try on glasses at home and once you've decided on a pair, get your prescription and an eye-test in store.

I think it might be helpful to let the staff know in advance in the future. From their perspective, if someone buys unsuitable frames, they are going to get the blame when that customer then returns and complains about it. The staff would not have known those unsuitable frames were just being tried on without any intention of buying them.

This. You shouldn't have needed to repeat yourself 3 times, she should have got the hint, but being clearer might have served you better.

I think you handled it really badly and you need to learn to manage these situations better if you don’t want to upset your child.
I would’ve explained the requirements to the staff beforehand in detail and ask the staff member whether they could make sure you only deal with one person.
when the other came over I would’ve just said “we’re fine thanks but if you could speak with Sandra that would be great” (or whoever is looking after you) that way they can explain to the colleague why you aren’t following the typical rules.
sticking your hand up is just rude and dismissive- it is likely the shop assistant thought you had dismissed important advice and needed to make you aware. Most children trying something on would then be upset if they liked the item and were told they couldn’t have it.