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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at the Opticians.

226 replies

johnandsally · 27/04/2022 10:04

My 10 ASD child had an appointment at the Optician for a routine eye appointment.

Before the appointment, she was really stressed out and was really worrying that her current frames had been discontinued. She has worn the same style frame for 5 years. She loves these frames!

Before the appointment we went and checked that they were still available, they were, all was good.

After the appointment, we always look at the other frames and she will maybe try on another 2-3 pairs, at this point I was certain, she would be choosing the same frames as before. Whilst trying them on, I was praising her and how lovely the alternative frames were etc.

This is a process we have adopted over the 7 years she has worn glasses and works well.

Out of nowhere a member of staff appeared and said really loudly "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position and said really calmly and nicely, "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

We carried on trying on the glasses and we were talking each pair through.

Then again, the member of staff appeared and said "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position again and said nicely and calmly "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

Five minutes later.... back they come.... "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body AGAIN into a stop position and said "I know, but we really are fine, thank you" Staff member then said "Well an optician needs to check and they will tell you they are too big and can't have them"

At this point, my daughter began dancing on the spot and was clinging onto me for dear life and I very sternly said "I know, we are working through a process here and you are not helping"

They finally left us alone.

I feel really guilty that I got so arsy, they were only doing their job, but seriously, AIBU to think that we should of been left alone the FIRST time I asked!!

OP posts:
ChocBloc · 27/04/2022 18:36

I mean this is a kid trying on 3 pairs of glasses it not a particularly challenging routine for an outsider. I wouldn't think anything of it if I'd observed it.

Booboobagins · 27/04/2022 18:39

Hi OP, the worker you came across is potentially ASD too because they failed to read the emotion in the situation. I'm sorry your DD became overwhelmed due to it.

I've never been back to a high street optician because they treat everyone so impersonally. I found a local optician who is fabulous and I buy my specs online - most companies have a software that allows you to try on frames by using the webcam - its super and your DD might like it. I use the America website Googles4U. You can get voucher codes pm me if you need one - it's not a referral scheme.

As you said though your DD likes her frames so you may need to buy from that optician or chain...

Ref the comments on what you did - there is nothing wring with showing a person what you mean when you respond to them. Indeed many parents with neurodiversity kids do the same - I find I do. So keep doing it, there's a reason we do it, it's so our own children know we are managing the situation.

I would give the opticians feedback about the worker so they can retrain.

Oblomov22 · 27/04/2022 18:42

You need to be more forceful. 'Please could you just back off because you are really upsetting my daughter'.

emma1103 · 27/04/2022 18:51

Honestly,you sound incredibly rude. I work in an opticians, and would see your behaviour as rude, a simple explanation could have resolved this. And yes, we clean EVERY GOD DAMN FRAME you try on. Its so annoyong when people try them on for the hell of it.

Whatsmyname100 · 27/04/2022 19:03

TangledUp789 · 27/04/2022 10:47

Don’t do the ‘stop’ hand gesture to shop assistants. It will make you look like a rude entitled bitch and get their backs up.

Yes please don't do this. Its like you are putting her in her place or she's beneath you. Trying on frames far too big for her, it seemed to the lady that you needed help. Next time explain politely the first time.

RedHelenB · 27/04/2022 19:15

johnandsally · 27/04/2022 13:58

@Pixies74 Because she was obsessing about the fact he said they were too big for her, so I said that as a measurable explanation.

The optician came with us first, then handed us over to our assigned assistant. There were 3 pairs in total. The optician and the assistant both saw at different times the 3 pairs she had selected. They were all suitable. She tried the same 3 pairs on, many, many, many times.

So why not just say optician has already said that are fine for her to try on the first time you were approached? Would have been much easier all round. Your OP suggested you were just trying random pairs.

TheOriginalEmu · 27/04/2022 19:20

Eggshelly · 27/04/2022 12:54

Then what are you talking about? This assistant wasn’t part of the interaction and should have just let the assistant working with them do their job themselves

But they're just trying to help them find glasses that will work. That's like saying if a supermarket worker assigned to the bread area saw someone looking for eggs by the cheese they shouldn't tell them the eggs don't live there and should wait for the cheese stacker to deal with it.

But that’s not their job at that time. The assistant the OP was working with knew the situation, so the other assistant should have left it.

TheOriginalEmu · 27/04/2022 19:24

MzHz · 27/04/2022 13:21

The optician is not a theme park or an entertainment venue! This behaviour isn’t correct, aside from the hygiene, you’re far better getting the functional aspect of the glasses stuff done and leave the start to it.

covid IS still a thing and many places do want to keep things sanitised and you can’t just ‘play dress up’ in the opticians!

why not order some Try at Home glasses from glasses direct? Only costs a couple of quid and you could have her choose frames to try on at home and return them

Bevause she is an autistic child who needs to learn to navigate the world. The OP wasn’t doing anything anyone else trying on glasses does. I try on loads of pairs, covid or not because my prescription is so high I need a specific frame to work. It’s totally normal to try on multiple pairs.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 27/04/2022 19:59

I'd just like to point out that those of us who are autistic don't see why we have to advertise the fact to people when it's none of their business. The same goes for our children as well. We're entitled to the same privacy that other shoppers are and we don't have to justify ourselves to pushy assistants. The OP had already divulged the information to the optician and the other assistant and that was enough.

Having to tell somebody three times to leave you alone is ridiculous. I'm not surprised to read they were a man indulging in a bit of mansplaining though 🙄

User1234567891011121314 · 27/04/2022 20:11

You can hand over to anyone not just an assigned assistant especially if the one the optician handed over to you was busy with other tasks. It is their job to say if they are big or not and of course the optician would say if they are not appropriate! I've not had anyone give those kind of hand gestures in the opticians where I work. Only the other day we had a child screaming the place down (Sen)and when everyone tried to help the mother didn't just raise her hand and tell us to back the f away.

OpticLife · 27/04/2022 21:39

Is it possible the assistant could have actually been a Dispensing Optician?

Dispensing Opticians are registered and qualified in dispensing and fitting glasses, and most importantly fitting glasses for those aged under 16.

If I saw a child patient, trying on frames which were too big, and they were being helped by an unqualified colleague I would gently intervene.

Not excusing the behaviour of whoever was in your opticians, just possibly another prospective on this.

Please don’t order glasses for under 16s online - all glasses/goggles etc for under 16s should be fitted by a registered and qualified Dispensing Optician or Optometrist (the type of optician who performs the eye test)

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/04/2022 22:13

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 27/04/2022 19:59

I'd just like to point out that those of us who are autistic don't see why we have to advertise the fact to people when it's none of their business. The same goes for our children as well. We're entitled to the same privacy that other shoppers are and we don't have to justify ourselves to pushy assistants. The OP had already divulged the information to the optician and the other assistant and that was enough.

Having to tell somebody three times to leave you alone is ridiculous. I'm not surprised to read they were a man indulging in a bit of mansplaining though 🙄

While of course people are entitled to their privacy they must also realise that if they choose not to share that information they can’t expect people to know or make reasonable adjustments for them. Additionally sometimes there are rules that cannot be overridden for any reason. Something like the sunflower lanyard can signify a hidden disability without disclosing that it is. The adult can wear it if the child doesn’t want to.

Flapping people away without explanation is not preparing the child for life. The best thing we can do as parents of children who are neurodiverse is teach them resilience and how to cope with situations they find difficult without reaching meltdown. They also need to understand there are sometimes rules to follow, even if they don’t like them. Neurodiverse children are often very black and white, they like to know what is allowed and what is not allowed.

Dispensing glasses to children is very regulated, it’s not the same as other shopping and the optician and their assistants have responsibilities to ensure the glasses are appropriate. OP could have communicated better in so many ways. She didn’t explain anything. She could have said she was being assisted by someone else or that the optician had checked the glasses but did not communicate anything that gave the assistant the information they needed. Saying I know, we are fine makes no sense without context. Repeating the same phrase when the assistant has not understood the situation and approaches again does not clarify anything, different words are needed. I would also say that despite the fact OP says this routine has worked well for years it could be time to adapt the routine. Toddlers and tweens are very different.

crackingreward · 27/04/2022 23:49

I'd just like to point out that those of us who are autistic don't see why we have to advertise the fact to people when it's none of their business. The same goes for our children as well. We're entitled to the same privacy that other shoppers are and we don't have to justify ourselves to pushy assistants.

Then i think you have to accept you will be treated just like any other shopper.

pixie5121 · 27/04/2022 23:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

pixie5121 · 27/04/2022 23:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 28/04/2022 00:20

Then i think you have to accept you will be treated just like any other shopper.

Being pestered and ignored when you've said you're fine and don't need help?

Lovely

DropYourSword · 28/04/2022 00:42

nearlyspringyay · 27/04/2022 14:02

Op you sound like hard work, it's like the equivalent of clicking your fingers at a server in a restaurant. RUDE.

No she fucking doesn't.

She said we're fine along with a pretty common gesture. People are making SO much more out of that than is necessary.

You're just being bloody rude.

TheOriginalEmu · 28/04/2022 03:10

emma1103 · 27/04/2022 18:51

Honestly,you sound incredibly rude. I work in an opticians, and would see your behaviour as rude, a simple explanation could have resolved this. And yes, we clean EVERY GOD DAMN FRAME you try on. Its so annoyong when people try them on for the hell of it.

Well frankly, tough. This is a disability reasonable accommodation to allow the OPs autistic child to navigate a situation that can cause real upset to them, if that means you have to clean 3 whole frames, so be it. The law says you must.

the ableism is rank.

Autienotnaughtie · 28/04/2022 03:58

I have a asd son I would have said something similar and done the hand gesture. And no you shouldn't have to disclose your dd medical history to a stranger in public. YANBU

Undertheoldlindentree · 28/04/2022 05:10

I think your behavior was too defensive without explaining what was going on.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/04/2022 05:42

johnandsally · 27/04/2022 10:40

@girlmom21 My hand was like that, with my fingers bent slightly, lower and closer to my body. Anyone other than the advisor would not have noticed. It wasn't in a STOP NOW way as your image depicts.

I know exactly what you mean... It's a real sort of micro hand signal, close to the body, palm outward? ... I use it myself on persistent shop folk...

Not at all like a cop directing traffic😂

ChocBloc · 28/04/2022 06:33

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 27/04/2022 19:59

I'd just like to point out that those of us who are autistic don't see why we have to advertise the fact to people when it's none of their business. The same goes for our children as well. We're entitled to the same privacy that other shoppers are and we don't have to justify ourselves to pushy assistants. The OP had already divulged the information to the optician and the other assistant and that was enough.

Having to tell somebody three times to leave you alone is ridiculous. I'm not surprised to read they were a man indulging in a bit of mansplaining though 🙄

Maybe they were also autistic and needed clearer communication

Marvellousmadness · 28/04/2022 06:42

You didn't ask to be left alone though
Plus you did this--->" Iraised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position "
Wth is that???
Just be clear next time. Say your kid is on the spectrum and that you will be needing time alone etc

tuliplover · 28/04/2022 06:44

I'm not sure your body language was enough. Did you call ahead and explain how your child was likely to react and that you needed to go through a certain routine? Make it clear next time.

SquirrelG · 28/04/2022 06:52

I agree that you should have been clearer the first time. All this hand signal stuff is just odd, and doesn't actually say anything - in fact, it could be interpreted as rudeness. You can't just expect people to understand what is going on.