Annoyed at the Opticians.

[johnandsally]

My 10 ASD child had an appointment at the Optician for a routine eye appointment.

Before the appointment, she was really stressed out and was really worrying that her current frames had been discontinued. She has worn the same style frame for 5 years. She loves these frames!

Before the appointment we went and checked that they were still available, they were, all was good.

After the appointment, we always look at the other frames and she will maybe try on another 2-3 pairs, at this point I was certain, she would be choosing the same frames as before. Whilst trying them on, I was praising her and how lovely the alternative frames were etc.

This is a process we have adopted over the 7 years she has worn glasses and works well.

Out of nowhere a member of staff appeared and said really loudly "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position and said really calmly and nicely, "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

We carried on trying on the glasses and we were talking each pair through.

Then again, the member of staff appeared and said "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body into a stop position again and said nicely and calmly "I know, but we are fine, thank you"

Five minutes later.... back they come.... "You can't have those, they are too big" I raised my hand to the top of my body AGAIN into a stop position and said "I know, but we really are fine, thank you" Staff member then said "Well an optician needs to check and they will tell you they are too big and can't have them"

At this point, my daughter began dancing on the spot and was clinging onto me for dear life and I very sternly said "I know, we are working through a process here and you are not helping"

They finally left us alone.

I feel really guilty that I got so arsy, they were only doing their job, but seriously, AIBU to think that we should of been left alone the FIRST time I asked!!

Everyone here saying the OP wasn't clear obviously has the social skills of a walnut. I shudder to think how you all go about your daily lives with such poor observational skills. that's very ableist

This. Putting up your hand like that was rude.

How ironic, given OP's daughter has ASD.

I am not referring to people with a legitimate reason for having difficulty grasping social cues. I'm referring to the people playing mind-bending games of devil's advocate so they tell OP she was unclear, when they actually know she was. Ta.

We don't know if the assistant also has ASD. In which case they may have been following instruction to not let people just try on any glasses they fancy and steer them to the correct ones.

As a probably autistic mum of two autistic children I don't think you were being abelist eggshelly

Ta

Are you missing the bit where this assistant WASNT assigned to the OP? If there was an issue the one she was actually working with could have handled it.

@johnandsally you did nothing wrong, you weren’t rude. I know the gesture you mean, it’s a please don’t interfere because you’re going to upset this kid when I have it handled’ indicator.

Are you missing the bit where this assistant WASNT assigned to the OP? If there was an issue the one she was actually working with could have handled it. no I did NOT miss this.

Because the OP knew she was going to pick the frames she already had, so it doesn’t matter what she tried on. Because for an autistic kid to go outside their comfort zone it’s great to try ANYTHING new regardless of it’s suitability. because trying on silly glasses is part of the fun of new frames.

Then what are you talking about? This assistant wasn’t part of the interaction and should have just let the assistant working with them do their job themselves.

You should have communicated with them in advance. They aren’t psychic so won’t know the issue. From their POV you where trying on glasses that they knew where unsuitable which could have created much bigger issues if she got attached to an unsuitable pair.

when Ds goes to pick new glasses if he doesn’t go straight for the same frames as he normally does then the assistant helps us from the off suggesting pairs which would be suitable for him.

Then what are you talking about? This assistant wasn’t part of the interaction and should have just let the assistant working with them do their job themselves

But they're just trying to help them find glasses that will work. That's like saying if a supermarket worker assigned to the bread area saw someone looking for eggs by the cheese they shouldn't tell them the eggs don't live there and should wait for the cheese stacker to deal with it.

So you twatted around with glasses that were inappropriate for your daughter, despite the fact that you knew she'd choose something else, making a complete mockery of their covid policies, and then rudely raised your hand as if you were disciplining a child at the assistant who was trying to help you?

Seriously?!

Yes, seriously.

Because it's not just about glasses this one time. It's about setting a process, a routine to make it easier the next time when the child has grown or they have discontinued the style. The actual optician/assistant will understand that.

and what covid policies? I had new glasses last year. I knew what I wanted but was still encouraged to try umpteen different frames by the optical assistant.

Hand signals like this are considered extremely rude indeed. Why didnt you just say you were fine and could you have more time.

and what covid policies? I had new glasses last year. I knew what I wanted but was still encouraged to try umpteen different frames by the optical assistant OP says they had a tray to put them on. When I went earlier this year the assistants had to clean each and every frame I tried on before they could be put back.

I agree they could have been a bit more polite, more "Can I show you some that will suit your face better?" But like others have said, I'd probably have just said, "She's just looking, I'll give you a shout if we need help." I do it all the time with my DD because she has learning and sensory difficulties and it can be difficult to get an idea of what she really wants to choose.

No real investment in this except to wonder if men (with or without children in tow) also have to put up with interfering people like this? I've had a few similar encounters in different places over the years and often wondered if I'd have been left alone if I was a big bearded bloke.

The hand signal was really rude.
And I really don't understand why you didn't give a very quick explanation of what was going on if not the first time, certainly the second time the assistant approached.
The staff there will tell you if the frames are unsuitable to avoid you wasting time or a child picking a frame which they are then later not allowed to actually have which could cause upset.
i can't have big framed glasses because of the strength of my prescription - due to distortion due to the thickness of the lenses at the edge of a larger frame. So the optician or the assistant recommend a selection of frames which would be suitable and I choose for them.
Obviously your child has additional difficulties but couldn't you try on a selection of frames which are actually suitable as part of the process (I can understand the need to do this to prepare them if the frames she likes are not available the next time). I don't really see how it is helping to try on larger frames which she will not be able to have anyway.

I said we were fine, why wasn't that enough?

You said you were fine, but then carried on putting glasses on your child that the optician couldn't have let her have because they were too big. So it's not surprising that the staff member thought you'd misunderstood.

Picture this scenario: you are shopping for a single duvet cover for your child and the shop assistant sees you showing your child a king-size one and saying, 'Ooh, this one looks lovely' and making encouraging noises. The assistant says 'Sorry, that's one's king-size' and you put your hand and say 'We're fine.' Then you carry on making encouraging noises to your child about the duvet cover the assistant knows full well DD is not going to be able to have. So the assistant tries to explain again, because she doesn't want you to waste your time and your daughter to be disappointed. You then briskly dismiss her again, without giving her any indication whatsoever that you have actually understood her point. Do you see why that would lead to confusion?

All you needed to do was just have a conversation so she knew what was going on. That's all. Just communicate. A simple 'OK, thanks - we won't choose these ones then. We'll give you a shout if we need help' would have been absolutely fine. You didn't even need to explain about your DD's hidden disability.

no, they sensibly tried on and talked about maximum 3 pairs of glasses, and then pu them in the tray as per covid instructions.
Dh bought new glasses last week, he tried on about 4 or 5 frames.
It was a huge thing for her autistic daughter to try on something new. In a year or so, when the current frames will inevitably get discontinued, it will be ESSENTIAL that she has had this grounding in trying on new frames, otherwise she will not be able to swithc to something new.
The OP did not need help from this person. She has an assistant helping her. This person interferred.

Wow - the hand thing is so normal! My mum does that if I ask her if she wants extra potatoes and she doesn't want them, and I don't see it as being aggressive! I am assuming that the OP did not throw her hand out, accompanied by an eye to eye glare.

This is how it works in my world:

Customer service person: Oh actually, that's not the right thing/we can't just serve chips without a main/this is not the children's section etc etc.

Me: Thank you. My son is autistic though so needs to go through this process/will only eat the chips but I'm happy to pay for a main and you not serve it/he only likes this particular kind of t shirt which isn't available in the children's section

Customer service person: Oh I see, no problem then

No raising of hands to the top of my body into a stop position needed. Customer service person learns a bit more about autism. Win:win.

Aibu is dense today, everyone knows what hand gesture she means surely? The same one when someone offers you more wine, a no thank you hand gesture. Hand near your chest/shoulder.

Shop assistant shouldn't need an explanation. If OP tries to buy the wrong glasses he can step in then.

So a better, clearer approach might have been to say ' thanks but assistant A is helping us and understands our requirements '