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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here????

438 replies

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 09:46

A few weeks ago I bought my step son a personalised jacket to wear for his 8th birthday party that he's having at his mother's who he lives.

I found out yesterday that she didn't put it on him because apparently it wasn't spelt correctly so he wore something else.

AIBU to call her disrespectful by not putting it on him to wear? She didn't even let us know he wouldn't be wearing it or say thank you for us buying it for him or anything. She said she didn't ask us to buy it and because my step son already said thank you she doesn't think she needs to.
What annoyed me most is she didn't even give it back to us until I had to ASK for it back.

My OH thinks I'm overreacting but I can't help but feel so offended.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 27/04/2022 12:48

He had said thank you. He saw a spelling mistake on it and decided not to wear it. Don't see the problem. It was his special day, up to him, what to wear (at that age). I feel like you're making it about the mum? Don't know why, because she didn't do anything wrong.

womaninatightspot · 27/04/2022 12:50

I'd be mortified to put my child in that in case people thought it was me who couldn't spell TBH. Other people would of noticed even if the child didn't and then laughed or pointed it out. I would of quietly tucked it away and not mentioned it to you as I wouldn't of wanted to embarrass you or get you upset.

Obviously now you are upset regardless of any intentions. I'd be a bit twitchy about sending the jacket round to you in case you made him wear it regardless of spelling errors and not being his birthday anymore so it doesn't go to waste.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/04/2022 12:51

Why would someone make their child wear a faulty piece of personalised clothing on their birthday? As for not thanking you, the gift was from you and his father. Why would a mother thank a father for buying his son a present? Unless you’re annoyed because you’re the one who put the effort in - in which case it’s your husband who should be thanking you, not his ex-wife!

The only area where I’m going to go against the grain is on whether she should have given you back the jacket. I agree she should have - either so you could get a refund and buy something else if it was the shop’s mistake, or just buy something else if the mistake was yours. After all, what you seen to have forgotten in all this is that it was an eight year-old’s birthday and he was hoping for a nice present from his dad.

10HailMarys · 27/04/2022 12:53

Her excuse was she didn't want to "point score" by pointing out the error which I just don't buy tbh

Why don't you buy that? It seems like a really sensible way of dealing it, to me. I wouldn't want to 'point-score' in her position either.

A personalised gift was a nice thought, but I don't think it was a great idea to get him something to wear that was only really going to be wearable for one important day, which he wasn't spending with you.

I don't really see why his mother should have to put him in a specific item of clothing (which had a spelling mistake on it that a lot of people would notice) just because you wanted him to wear it that day.

I'll level with you: I would have been really embarrassed to have my kid be seen at his party, in front of his friends' parents and in all the photos, wearing a jacket with a crappy spelling mistake on it. That kind of mistake in print is something I really hate and I think it makes things look really shoddy and naff, and given that I was the one running the party for my own child at my own house, I would absolutely not be putting him in something I hated.

I also really don't see why you would expect her to thank you for son's present when he had already said thank you. Or why you would want the jacket back, given that the day when he is 'eight today' has passed and he couldn't really wear it again anyway. Presumably you can't get your money back if it's personalised and you approved the spelling when you ordered it.

WibblyWobblyJane · 27/04/2022 12:54

I do not think a parent should have to thank the other parent/stepparent for a gift given to their shared child. In fact, some would find it patronizing.

I also think spelling “you’re” as “your” is a huge spelling mistake, not a small one.

This is a very small thing. By “confronting” his mom you’ve made it massive and damaged the relationship.

RoseGoldEagle · 27/04/2022 12:56

I don't think it's ever a great idea to dictate that someone wears something of your choosing on a specific day (unless they're you're own young children, who will be with you on the day- and to be honest even then it doesn't always work out!). Not sure why you'd think she'd think to give it back- it's her son's, and he lives with her. Maybe just ask him to bring it next time he comes to you? But, really, what are you going to do with it now, anyway?

Keepitonthedownlow · 27/04/2022 12:59

I think the mother was being extremely tactful!! Spelling your and you're incorrectly is very cringeworthy. And a personalised jacket is such a waste of money. How could he wear it when it's not his birthday... it's just weird

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 27/04/2022 12:59

Your 8 instead of you are 8 isn't a tiny error; as a typo in a text or on here its fine, but on an actual jacket it isn't acceptable. Its a shame as it was a nice thought, but I also agree with those who say, error or not, you don't get to choose what your ss wears at his mother's. She should have let you have it back though so you could send it back to the printers under complaint.

Travis1 · 27/04/2022 13:00

I think your aggressive language has probably influenced the replies you ‘confronted’ her? Over a jacket and effectively accused her of stealing from you. This is not the hill to die on. Let it go

notsilverfish · 27/04/2022 13:01

You're taking this very personally, but it was a gift - once received the recipient can wear it / not wear it as they like.

It can be a safeguarding issue for kids to advertise their names and ages so I would not like my DC to wear anything like that even if they wanted to, and really the spelling mistake is inexcusable, whether it was made by you or the shop. It's not like a typo in an email. You should be mortified rather than offended.

sbhydrogen · 27/04/2022 13:01

Did you embroider it yourself? Or did you ask somebody else to do it? If it was the latter, can you ask if you'd given them the correct spelling in the first place? Not that it matters now, tbh.

SS said thank you, right? You are BU.

ExMachinaDeus · 27/04/2022 13:02

The jacket has the words "NAME your 8 today!"

No way would I EVER let a child of mine wear something so illiterate.

KikiBobby · 27/04/2022 13:02

Usually with a personalisation, the company double checks your message with you before applying it to your item, they may even help with better wording, grammar etc. I can't understand how this was allowed to happen. The gift would have had a very short life span, due to it's message, the fact that the message was incorrectly written makes it even worse.
Google can be very helpful if you want to write messages. We all have moments where things escape our notice, but a company specialising in personalisation should not. Careless quality control.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/04/2022 13:03

Ask him to bring it back to you when he's next over and you can get it 'fixed' or 'replaced'.

However, if it's personalised, it's very likely that the retailer will refuse as it was up to you to ensure that the spelling was correct at the time.

Jacopo · 27/04/2022 13:03

It’s heartening that 99% of posters think this is an unacceptable grammatical mistake. Any other time grammatical mistakes are mentioned on MN there are many replies claiming that grammar doesn’t matter and shouting about grammar Nazis.
I’m surprised no one has said we should be sympathetic to the shop and the needs of the people who work there.

otherbookmarks · 27/04/2022 13:05

Sillystripytail · 27/04/2022 11:04

YABU. It's not your fault there was a spelling error but did you not realise before giving it to him? Also, I don't blame her for not wanting him to wear it, I'd be embarrassed. It's strange having today on it aswell cause he can only wear it once. I buy my son a T-shirt every birthday that says "DS is 3" etc but he can wear that all year and then he inevitably grows out of it.

You should complain to whoever you bought it from and get a replacement (without today on it) or a refund.

Not aimed at this poster but I'd just like to point out that I make personalised items. The person purchasing has to put down in text (that I then copy and paste) exactly how they want the wording to be. The number of people who don't understand the difference between 'your' and 'you're' is very high. Even when the mistake is pointed out before I make the item there is still a proportion of buyers who insist they are right and want to use their original incorrect spelling/grammar. Some sellers use a disclaimer that your item will be personalised exactly as you have written it, so double check it's correct before ordering. It's not always the fault of the seller.

otherbookmarks · 27/04/2022 13:07

Forgot to add that I'm Team Mum with this one. Totally unacceptable to expect a child to wear this, and also unacceptable to buy something for a single use that can't even be passed on to someone else.

Hesma · 27/04/2022 13:09

Pretty rubbish present if you haven’t bothered to spell the name correctly.

carolmarie72 · 27/04/2022 13:10

I think this situation has blown out of proportion, but if someone gave my son a personalised item with his name spelt wrong, I probably wouldn't want him to keep it as it has no value then.

Shamoo · 27/04/2022 13:10

This is presumably a reverse

OnlySoAnHour · 27/04/2022 13:11

Not a great present to begin with but not understanding the difference between your and you’re would make me cringe for you.

But so saying, not as bad as the T-shirt suitable for 2-8 year olds I saw a few years ago that was stocked in bulk at a major chain store, it was for girls and had written on it “precious little flour” 😂 🌺

Lucyccfc68 · 27/04/2022 13:11

Team Mum here too.

If you tried to dictate what my child should wear, in my house, on their birthday (with a spelling mistake), you’d be told to sod off.

UnsuitableHat · 27/04/2022 13:12

She sounds difficult, but this might be one to let go, or let your DH deal with.

Edwina83 · 27/04/2022 13:12

You were overstepping the mark by choosing something for him to wear on his birthday. It would only be appropriate if it was your child and they were younger.
I

squiller · 27/04/2022 13:13

It’s a totally ridiculous thing to buy because it can only be worn once. Nobody is going to walk around wearing a jacket that says ‘you’re 8 today’ other than on the day of their eighth birthday. That aside, I also wouldn’t let my DC wear something with such poor grammar. You should return for a refund.

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