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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here????

438 replies

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 09:46

A few weeks ago I bought my step son a personalised jacket to wear for his 8th birthday party that he's having at his mother's who he lives.

I found out yesterday that she didn't put it on him because apparently it wasn't spelt correctly so he wore something else.

AIBU to call her disrespectful by not putting it on him to wear? She didn't even let us know he wouldn't be wearing it or say thank you for us buying it for him or anything. She said she didn't ask us to buy it and because my step son already said thank you she doesn't think she needs to.
What annoyed me most is she didn't even give it back to us until I had to ASK for it back.

My OH thinks I'm overreacting but I can't help but feel so offended.

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 27/04/2022 13:51

I'm not sure though (and maybe I'm being obtuse) why the child's mother would effectively thank his Dad for a gift?

SallyWD · 27/04/2022 13:52

OP - it sounds like you're looking for trouble with the boy's mother. I think it's highly likely he didn't want to wear it himself and she was just trying to protect your feelings. If it was because of the spelling mistake then fair enough. My son is 9 and wouldn't wear something with such a mistake. He's very particular about what he wears. It's also perfectly reasonable for her to say she didn't want to raise the spelling mistake with you. From the tone of your posts it sounds like you'd probably be confrontational with her.

Although it's kind and thoughtful to give a personalised gift I do think it's a bit odd that you decided he'd wear it for his birthday. Surely it's up to the boy what he wears on the day? I feel like you've now caused ill feeling with his mother because of the way you've reacted.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 27/04/2022 13:52

YABU. Your/you're error aside, why did it say you are eight - surely when you see all those birthday cards in the shops with age badges attached none of them say "You are [age]" Confused

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2022 13:52

If I buy my friends child a present, my friend will thank me personally as well as the child

if I buy my dd a present, her father doesn't thank me for the present I gave for his dd

GirlsTalk250 · 27/04/2022 13:54

I don’t think you can dictate what your SS wears at his DM’s house or the parties she provides for him.
Did your DH thank SS’s DM for the presents she gave to SS?

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/04/2022 13:55

It's really not great to question your SS over whether or not he wore the jacket - he is inevitably going to pick up on the stress coming from the adults involved over this. You can see that already by the apparent discrepancy in what he told his mum compared to what he told you. The poor boy already knows that he can't say what he really thinks in case of upsetting you.

Honestly this is such a minor thing to care about at all. You can't force your SS to wear clothing you buy him, you certainly can't force his mother to dress him in clothes you've chosen. Making such a big deal over tiny tiny things is not going to be a positive for your SS.

IncompleteSenten · 27/04/2022 13:56

Do you really need the child and both their parents to thank you?
I'm assuming his dad thanked you. And the child did. Is that not enough?

Sally090807 · 27/04/2022 13:57

How on earth do some places stay in business when they make such basic spelling mistakes.
For a lad of 8 a nice football shirt of his favourite team or a football would of been more appropriate (assuming he likes football).

chisanunian · 27/04/2022 13:57

Spelling errors do matter.

For child safeguarding reasons I thought it was recommended that children didn't wear clothing with their name on.

If it said '8 today' then there would have been only one day he could have worn it.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 27/04/2022 13:58

Just be honest OP and fess up.

You clearly hate the ex, now you feel she has made you to look thick and you are venting your (not You're!) rage to the MN massive about a totally unnecessary "Thank you" as a cover up.

Admit it! She has made you feel stupid, that is what is at the bottom of this post.

IncompleteSenten · 27/04/2022 13:58

Although I suppose a jacket that reads "Bob, you have an 8" can indeed be worn more than once so, every cloud. 🤷‍♀️

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2022 13:58

Last night I helped my uncle Jack, off a horse.
Last night I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

its important to use commas in the correct places

IncompleteSenten · 27/04/2022 13:59

🤣 true.

Let's eat Grandma
Let's eat, Grandma

emmathedilemma · 27/04/2022 14:00

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 13:30

Yes we bought him a load of other presents for his birthday and no I didn't notice the error because it really doesn't matter. It's supposed to be the thought that counts.

call me the grammar police but I disagree! It does matter, "your" and "you're" are 2 different words and an 8 year old should know the difference. If it was advertised and sold like that then you should send it back to the vendor.

WoodenClock · 27/04/2022 14:02

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2022 13:58

Last night I helped my uncle Jack, off a horse.
Last night I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

its important to use commas in the correct places

Is the comma right there? It doesn't read right to me, it's the capital J that changes the meaning.

MiseryWIthAStent · 27/04/2022 14:02

Op do you thank his mum for her presents for him, or do you leave that to him? Also, I wouldn't have wasted my money on a jacket that can only be worn once. And that's quite an obvious spelling mistake.

girlmom21 · 27/04/2022 14:03

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2022 13:58

Last night I helped my uncle Jack, off a horse.
Last night I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

its important to use commas in the correct places

Awkward that the comma in your first sentence shouldn't be there.

feelinglowandblue · 27/04/2022 14:03

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 13:27

I'm sorry but I can't believe this many people would be so petty as to not put their child in something that was gifted to them all because of an apostrophe.

He can wear the jacket here for when he's playing around the house, that's why I want it back. At least hell get some use out of it here.

If I buy my friends child a present, my friend will thank me personally as well as the child. I don't think I'm BU to expect a simple thank you tbh.

I can understand that but can you see that it’s really only a present that makes sense on one day of the year? Bit odd to wear any other time?

needhelp34 · 27/04/2022 14:03

Your OH is the parent. It’s part of your role to buy the child gifts. It’s not something that the mother should be grateful for. It’s in the job description. Your example of a friend thanking you is irrelevant. In that scenario you are gifting the child as part of your relationship with your friend, which your friend appreciates. You are not gifting your stepson for your relationship with his mother, you are doing it for your relationship with the child and his father, nothing to do with her. You haven’t done anything out of ordinary and it’s not her job to make you feel good about yourself. Get your validation from your partner.

it is very unreasonable for you to think that your outfit should be worn at his party that his mother was hosting. That is a huge overstep. She is his mother and will dress him how she chooses. If you want something you bought him to be worn at a special event, host the event and check it’s ok with his parents.

HaveringWavering · 27/04/2022 14:03

This has to be a piss take!

Giving an 8 year-old a jacket - either you mean an outdoor jacket, which is a weird thing to wear at a party, or an indoor jacket which is adult clothing.

A personalised jacket that can be worn only once on his birthday.

A massively obvious grammatical mistake yet you are blaming the kid’s Mum for not pointing it out.

You say it’s a missing apostrophe- no, it’s a missing apostrophe and the letter “E”.

GDPR breach- jacket reveals both name and date of birth!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2022 14:03

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 13:30

Yes we bought him a load of other presents for his birthday and no I didn't notice the error because it really doesn't matter. It's supposed to be the thought that counts.

So it's fine you have him a present that you couldn't bed bothered to check because you thought about him? So broken or dirty presents are OK too if the thought is there??

If I buy my friends child a present, my friend will thank me personally as well as the child. I don't think I'm BU to expect a simple thank you tbh. you buy friends kids cos you have a relationship with friend so friend thanks you. You buy DSS because you have a relationship with Dad so dad thank you. Simple.

Wowwwww · 27/04/2022 14:04

You are saying we never got a thanks. I take that as you want the mother to thank the father for a birthday present? Did he thank her for everything and for giving him a party?
did his father throw him a party or pay towards the one he had to wear the jacket too?
The jacket could only be worn for one day if it had that print on, would you wear something with “worried Welshy is 50 today” after your birthday?

TeddyTonks · 27/04/2022 14:04

He's 8- surely his mum doesn't 'put him in' anything?!? My 5 yo picks and outs on his own clothes 🙄

Regardless of that, I wouldn't 'put him in' or offer him clothes that had spelling mistakes on. Embarrassing frankly.

Finally, she doesn't need to thank you, he does... and he did 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you need to stop looking for an argument or reason to be offended.

girlmom21 · 27/04/2022 14:04

GDPR breach- jacket reveals both name and date of birth!

I hope you're joking...

Tsuni · 27/04/2022 14:04

He can wear the jacket here for when he's playing around the house, that's why I want it back. At least hell get some use out of it here

He doesn't want to wear it. Are you going to force it on him? Bizarre