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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you or do you know a traditional wife?

325 replies

Juniper68 · 26/04/2022 21:11

Just watching Stacey Dooley staying at the trad wife's home. I didn't realise there were so many of them?
I really liked the wife and dcs. The dh not so much. Choosing the wife's clothes. Making dcs wear something heavy on their back if they've been naughty 😮
I'm not against being a sahm. But him calling all the shots is so controlling.

OP posts:
crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:00

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 18:36

If a jewellery shop decided not to have a glass window between the street and their jewellery and someone walked by and stole a diamond ring, who is at fault? While the thief is always at fault, the jeweller is also at fault as could have prevented that from occurring (and his insurance company would agree). What I'm saying is there are bad people in the world and as much as I'd love your DDs and everyone else's DDs to be free from harassment, it's not going to occur. Sadly, some people treat provocative clothing as an invitation.

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Wearing modest clothing does nothing to prevent rape from occurring.

I hope you don't have daughters. Or sons actually if your going to teach them victim blaming shit.

BusterSword · 14/07/2022 19:02

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 17:58

Of course you don't and I wouldn't impose it on my friends, the point about your friends was about putting trust in someone else to make a choice on your behalf.

I also made a separate point about submission according to scripture and that is why I gave DH the power to impose things, while I can only advise him. Yes, I know there's a power imbalance and I know many people on MN would strongly object to that but to use an analogy, a company can only have one CEO, our house has one head and that's DH.

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Women can be CEOs though. And if the CEO asks an employee to to something they have the option to quit, or to make a complaint.

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:04

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 18:59

You're actually saying if your husband told you to jump off a bridge you would do it? Thats fucked.

You might say he would never do something like that but a. you can't ever know for certain what someone else would do and b. there are a lot of women out there where their husbands would tell them to do things they don't want. Should they obey?

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That's not what I said.

3WildOnes · 14/07/2022 19:05

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 17:38

I think that's taking the definition of scrutiny to an extreme, DH isn't some random person with their own motive, he's always got my best interests at heart. TBH, I really don't mind if he thinks I'd look better in something else and tells me that, in fact I actually quite enjoy it.

Bare shoulders is a modesty thing, As to why shoulders and not arms? I'm really not sure, I understand why clothing that exposes cleavage is frowned upon or tight fitting clothing etc. I think it's just to keep exposed flesh to a minimal so as not to appear as a sex object to others. DH didn't demand that I dress that way, he just suggested it and then suggested it be a rule, I was quite happy to do it. It is expected that people dress that way when you visit more traditional churches. There's a book someone wrote a while I back on modest dress, I haven't read it however I have friends who have and they've told me it's a explains it well.

As to what would happen if I didn't do it? I'd have disobeyed my husband which is a sin and I'm more worried about God's wraith than DH's. I think DH would tell me to go and change, I've no idea what would happened if I still disobeyed, I've never tried. My rebellious period is very much in my past.

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This is pretty terrifying to read. I say that as a Christian who always considered myself to have quite a traditional marriage as I have never worked full time since having children.
I would be horrified if my husband told me to do something or tried to impose rules on me.

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:10

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:04

That's not what I said.

Show quote history

You said if the situation occurred if he told you tondo something like jump off a bridge, you would obey.

Should women in manipulative and abusive marriages obey their husbands too?

CPL593H · 14/07/2022 19:12

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 15:40

I kind of fall into this category, although I find the title of traditional wife a bit unhelpful as that could mean all sorts of things.

As a quick introduction, I'm a SAHM with 5 children and another on the way. Yes, we are religious and this is the main reason we have gone down this path. I still do one or two jobs a month which brings in a nice little income however DH is the primary earner. Until DC1 was born, I worked FT in a very good job, earning marginally more than DH with better prospects however we both agreed that we would have a 'traditional family' and it's been like that for the last 13 years.

One of the themes of this thread is husbands making decisions for their wives and I want to try and explain the underlying psychology behind this and how it works for us. In our marriage we both believe strongly in trust and honesty, I have total trust in DH. What this means in terms of decision making is that I've got total confidence that any decision he makes is in the best interests of 'the family' i.e.that he won't make selfish decisions and will put DC's or my interests first, likewise I put DC's and DH's interest before mine. Does he get things wrong? Occasionally. Does he let me make decisions? Of course, I make most decisions however sometimes I do defer to him for a decision, and occasionally, I'm over-ruled. DH's decision is final and I accept that. DH has imposed a couple of minor dress standards on me, e.g. bare shoulders aren't permitted and skirts must go below the knee, he was just solidifying the modest dress standard expected in our religious community. If he told me what to wear, would I wear it? Yes I would, however that's rare and has always been in my best interests and more annoyingly, he's been correct! Under normal circumstances, it is the other way around and I 'advise' him on what to wear. That's men for you. 🙄

I hope this gives you all a good example of how this type of relationship can work, it's not a lifestyle for everyone, and 'traditional' relationships can differ from each other, so how it works for us is not necessarily how it works for others.

@MaryChild I'm sorry, but your religious community is very far away from modelling the way Jesus Christ behaved towards women. How radical he actually was cannot be underestimated (although it often is, by people who want to keep women in their place)

I suggest you try to find his teachings on bare shoulders and deferring to men. You won't be able to, though.

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:14

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:00

Wearing modest clothing does nothing to prevent rape from occurring.

I hope you don't have daughters. Or sons actually if your going to teach them victim blaming shit.

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Aren't we a charmer? Actually, I'm teaching my girls to behave like ladies and my boys to behave like gentlemen perhaps if you and your ilk did the same, this problem might go away. Dressing respectably and refraining from using a potty mouth is part of that of being civilised.

Sorefrog · 14/07/2022 19:14

It’ll be Paul. It’s always Paul.

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:18

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:10

You said if the situation occurred if he told you tondo something like jump off a bridge, you would obey.

Should women in manipulative and abusive marriages obey their husbands too?

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Once again, I didn't say that, please read it again. This might help "DH isn't going to ask me to do something extreme as he loves me, so I'm not going to be jumping off a bridge for him"

I've put the key parts in bold for you.

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:23

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:14

Aren't we a charmer? Actually, I'm teaching my girls to behave like ladies and my boys to behave like gentlemen perhaps if you and your ilk did the same, this problem might go away. Dressing respectably and refraining from using a potty mouth is part of that of being civilised.

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I'd say that treating men and women equally is part being civilised and that referring to someone's family as "you and your ilk" is far more rude that being "potty mouthed" (Jesus Christ are you five?)

I really truly feel for your daughters of you are essentially teaching them that exposing their shoulders is an invitation to rape, as I'm your disgusting window analogy. Thankfully you are part of a dying breed in the UK.

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:24

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:18

Once again, I didn't say that, please read it again. This might help "DH isn't going to ask me to do something extreme as he loves me, so I'm not going to be jumping off a bridge for him"

I've put the key parts in bold for you.

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And then you said If this situation did occur, I'd do what he asked.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 14/07/2022 19:26

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 14/07/2022 17:46

We even kept 'obey' in our wedding vows

Or did he tell you it was staying in?

He asked if I wanted to say it, I said yes. We're still consenting adults, fully competent to make our own decisions and change things if we don't like them.

Fizbosshoes · 14/07/2022 19:27

My DD is 15. She is polite and well behaved and does well at school. If she wants to have bare shoulders or tiny shorts then why on earth not?!
She went to a concert in a short thin dress recently. (It did have sleeves) The thing I was most bothered about was whether she would be cold!

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:28

@MaryChild Also, you haven't responded to my point about women who are in abusive relationships? They promise to obey their husband, their husband tells them to do something they don't want to do. Maybe have sex when they don't want to. Maybe hurt themselves or something else. Maybe quit their job and give him all their possessions. Maybe even jump of a bridge. It could happen to anyone, even you or your daughter.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 14/07/2022 19:43

I'm a 'traditional' wife.

I'm going to get shot down for this but it works for us.

My husband pays the bills, sorts out contractors, organises holidays. He buys my clothes and shoes. He will sometimes lay out what he'd like me to wear, but it's more a suggestion. I usually wear what he chooses as he's got good taste and I'm immaculately put together when he intervenes.

I don't have paid work. I have full responsibility for shopping, cooking, meal planning. I keep the house. I attempt laundry and will help but I'm hopeless.

My husband works from home and I'll make him breakfast, lunch and dinner.

We potter about together and love what we have very much.

I have investments that give me an income so I'm not completely financially dependent. I contribute towards retirement planning and I love DIY although my husband prefers to pay trades to come in.

Hard hat on

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:52

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:24

And then you said If this situation did occur, I'd do what he asked.

Show quote history

Ok, let me clarify that,

  1. I would never be told to do anything extreme, dangerous, humiliating etc.
  2. I'm not going to do anything sinful
  3. Anything else

I'd do anything in category 3 for DH even if I were uncomfortable with it, although I can't think of anything that would fall into category 3 that I wouldn't do for him.

Does that help?

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 20:00

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 19:52

Ok, let me clarify that,

  1. I would never be told to do anything extreme, dangerous, humiliating etc.
  2. I'm not going to do anything sinful
  3. Anything else

I'd do anything in category 3 for DH even if I were uncomfortable with it, although I can't think of anything that would fall into category 3 that I wouldn't do for him.

Does that help?

Show quote history

Yes it does. And if you told him to do something that makes him uncomfortable, would he do it? Unquestionably?

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 20:04

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:28

@MaryChild Also, you haven't responded to my point about women who are in abusive relationships? They promise to obey their husband, their husband tells them to do something they don't want to do. Maybe have sex when they don't want to. Maybe hurt themselves or something else. Maybe quit their job and give him all their possessions. Maybe even jump of a bridge. It could happen to anyone, even you or your daughter.

I didn't comment as I don't feel qualified to comment so therefore I can't add anything other than the blindingly obvious.

Equally, I don't think you are qualified to suggest what might happen in my relationship and my daughters are too young to be in relationships, I do hope they marry nice young gentlemen who treat them with the respect they should be treated with.

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 20:10

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 20:04

I didn't comment as I don't feel qualified to comment so therefore I can't add anything other than the blindingly obvious.

Equally, I don't think you are qualified to suggest what might happen in my relationship and my daughters are too young to be in relationships, I do hope they marry nice young gentlemen who treat them with the respect they should be treated with.

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It can happen in any relationship thags my point. And you are the only one qualified to say what you think a woman should do in that situation, since you think all women should obey their husbands.

Incidentally, what if there are two husbands? Should they both always obey each other because that could be seriously awkward. And two wives? How would anyone know what to wear?

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 20:17

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 19:23

I'd say that treating men and women equally is part being civilised and that referring to someone's family as "you and your ilk" is far more rude that being "potty mouthed" (Jesus Christ are you five?)

I really truly feel for your daughters of you are essentially teaching them that exposing their shoulders is an invitation to rape, as I'm your disgusting window analogy. Thankfully you are part of a dying breed in the UK.

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I apologise if you thought my words to be rude however I was referring to people with behavioural standards such as yours. I'm going to have to end our discussion here as I'm unwilling to have discussions with people who are incapable of using basic manners. Take care.

crwnhgow · 14/07/2022 20:27

MaryChild · 14/07/2022 20:17

I apologise if you thought my words to be rude however I was referring to people with behavioural standards such as yours. I'm going to have to end our discussion here as I'm unwilling to have discussions with people who are incapable of using basic manners. Take care.

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Sure and you victim-blame rape victims and view women as inferior. But at least youre not a pottymouth.

God help your kids.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/07/2022 20:34

My ex wanted me to be a ‘traditional wife’. I wasn’t allowed to work, wasn’t allowed money and lots of other stuff. He was really abusive, he just dressed it up as wanting the best for our family.

I’m now remarried and I’m far from a traditional wife. My husband would probably howl with laughter at the thought.

Sanfranciscobabe · 14/07/2022 20:46

Was not expecting this thread to reinforce not only my career ambitions but my commitment to atheism. Wow.

pointythings · 14/07/2022 20:55

@MaryChild my DDs have grown up to be strong, independent young people who will never need a man to keep them and will always make their own choices.

If they wanted to become traditional wives at some point they would be free to do that and make an informed choice about it, having seen something of the real world. Your girls have been thoroughly indoctrinated and will not have that option.

Oh, and just FYI: men who want to rape will rape. No matter what their chosen victim is wearing. So you can just stop it with the victim blaming. It's disgusting.

CPL593H · 14/07/2022 21:27

As I thought, no comment forthcoming on Jesus Christ's non existent teachings about bare shoulders and the subordinate and deferential place of women. The New Testament contains numerous instances of him treating women with a respect and equality that was hardly imaginable at the time.

It would be so much better if the concentration was on that and what he actually did teach and rather less on the millennia old cultural mores.