Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

[goinglow]

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

Agree with this. The best thing to do is to cut contact, the quickest way to achieve that is to leave him with no reason to get in touch with you ever again.

Dont keep adding fuel to the drama, as you can afford it - cut and run.

If the money was for half of the meals, then I would send him exactly that. The ingredients for all the meals, by post, 2nd class so the meat has a chance to fester for a few days. But then that's just me.
The grown up thing to do is pay and block. Hes made it obvious he doesn't care, so don't give him another chance to reinforce that and hurt you all over again.

I am going to approach this from a different angle. I would pay him, but not as a moral duty. I would pay him in full because I suspect it will greatly annoy him. I would do it by cheque, with a brief note thanking him profusely for showing you why he is not the sort of person you would want to spend any more time with. Just that. No more. Then block him completely. Onwards and upwards!

Did his actions on holiday cost you money you didn’t expect to have to pay? Like for a separate hotel room or for a different flight home, new tickets/taxi back from the airport? If that’s the case then I’d be adding that into the shared costs you’re meant to be splitting - or just take it all out of the money he says you owe him.

This makes answering your question a lot easier.

No, absolutely not, would be my response. If what he's done is as bad as that, cut him off completely now.

Always ask yourself what the end game is, what you hope to gain by any confrontation. If it's to 'make you feel better', it won't. It will simply elevate your stress levels and it sounds as though nothing he could way would excuse it anyway. If it's to 'clear the air', again, it won't. If he's asking you for money after behaving inexcusably, either he doesn't get it, or as a PP suggested he's trying to open up a dialogue and prolong the heartache. In this case you should give him nothing.

If confrontation will achieve something productive and worth having, it might be worthwhile. If there's absolutely nothing, the relationship's dead and will never be renewed and there is nothing remotely useful to be had from a conversation, sack it off.

Silence is its own response; one which will enable to retain your dignity intact. It's a no-brainer.

A significant amount of money, yes! I have been debating whether to add this in.

If you do transfer the money, you could make the payment information that will show on his bank statement appropriate for the situation.
I think the bank computer would filter out sweary words, but you might be able to come up with something that refers to the horrible thing he did

If you do transfer the money, you could make the payment information that will show on his bank statement appropriate for the situation.
I think the bank computer would filter out sweary words, but you might be able to come up with something that refers to the horrible thing he did

A significant amount of money, yes! I will indeed add this in and offset against anything I owe him. He actually may end up owing me money in the end. A dialogue of sorts is unavoidable but I am keeping it very direct and formal.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂😂😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂 😂 😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

The right thing to do is to pay up. Obviously.
However. So much IS dependent on what he actually did that was so awful. If it were me, and he’d done something really disgusting - that was aimed at me in a malicious way, no way would I pay for stuff like my half of shared meals etc. I would almost certainly have NO RECOLLECTION of any debts, and I’d probably think of other more imaginative stuff too as revenge. Not very grown up maybe, but therapeutic at the time.

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

I’d transfer and immediately block.

Write him a letter with all the things you’d love to say to his stupid face then burn it, you’ll feel you’ve had some closure but not given him the satisfaction of seeing how affected you are.

Block and move on! Report to the police if he harasses you in any way

Why? If I owe someone money I pay them, I thought that was normal. Breaking up with someone however traumatic doesn't mean the debt is wiped.

If it is a tiny amount I'd just think they were petty but if it is a large amount I'd expect to pay.

ahh just saw your update. His actions cost you money, then I would tally up what he cost you and offset it against his bill. and just send a brief breakdown with either an invoice if he owes you or a load of coins for anything outstanding. If you accidentally rubbed cut chillies over the coins before you sent them that would be unfortunate.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂 😂 😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

Ha ha OP I've just cottoned on to your username 😈

@Moomeh makes a great point, above.

However - I'm a bit concerned about how you are selling yourself the upsetting notion of needing years of therapy. Therapy - with a decent practitioner - is a wonderful thing! Just ... please don't set yourself up by convincing yourself, in these early days after The Incident while your emotions are still reeling, that this man & his actions have that much power over you.

I absolutely do not want that to have come across as glib btw.
Yes, access some therapy, talk it out with pals, but also make conscious efforts to find 1) anger (I can see this is simmering, more on that later) but just as importantly - 2) humour.

There is nothing like humour for diminishing fear & disgust. You have it within you to find, perhaps not The Incident itself, but its perpetrator utterly ridiculous. What a foul little man! Thank goodness you saw his true colours before giving any more of your valuable time.

So I am suggesting a halfway house that keeps you safe, but helps you balance your own need to express your validating rage & humour:

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost

See? Here is anger - & here is your excellent sense of humour 😂 😂 😂- hats off to arsehole tax!

He is a CF, but you know that.
For pretending to be a decent bloke & wasting your time.
For blocking you as if YOU were the miscreant.
For then unblocking, & cheerily asking for £££ as if nowt had happened ...

As your update says you have now repaid him for the physical item you kept, I reckon that's enough "going high" to demonstrate your dignity in doing the right thing. Him chasing you up for the rest of it will just look shabby to anyone else, especially if he makes A Thing out of it. Because your response to that would surely be - "what? He committed The Incident, & now wants his ex-girlfriend to pay him for a few drinks & meals? What is he now - a gigolo?"

I've read all your posts, but not PP's yet so not sure what's been suggested - I would go with something like:

"Huh? I've paid you back for (the physical item) already as you well know.
So the great news is - neither of us owe each other any money, because I have generously written off your outstanding Arsehole Tax.
Do not contact me again. I will consider any further contact from you as harrassment - particularly in light of (The Incident)."
And ... BLOCK.

I think you should pay him back, you’d previously agreed it so you ought to. People break up, sad, but life unfortunately.. walk away with your head up. However I would be inclined to tell him you’re still absolutely disgusted at his behaviour when he did X (whatever it was!).