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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be flattered? Or is this strange?

369 replies

sleepfortheweek · 25/04/2022 23:29

Walking my dog this evening. I was walking through a local park, as were many other people.

I had my headphones in listening to my audio book but out of the corner of my eye I saw a man crossing the park towards me. I didn't think much of it and just kept walking but then I noticed he was walking directly towards me.

When he was close enough I could see he was saying something to me so I took out my ear buds and I didn't catch the first bit but he basically said sorry for being so random but he really like my fashion (I was wearing jeans, boots, an hoody and a body warmer 🤣) and wanted to say hi.

He introduced himself to me and shook my hand. I had no idea what was going on, and I told him my name. He was just kind of smiling at me and making conversation. Asked what I liked to do to relax etc. It was a very normal conversation but in very strange circumstances.

He then asked if I was taken.I said yes, I have a husband and two children. The conversation ended not too long after, with him apologising again for being so random. He said cheerio and off he went on the opposite direction to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does this kind of thing actually happen in real life or do you think he was on drugs?? He didn't seem drunk.

I live in a tiny town, and he said he was here for work (even told me what work).

Should I be flattered? Or should I be looking over my shoulder from now on?

This has NEVER happened to me before, it's not like I'm a beauty queen that men fall over themselves to speak to 🤣

The strangest thing was that the part of my audio book I was at was a man and woman who barely knew each other went for a coffee together and I was literally thinking how that never really happens in real life then BOOM I'm accosted by a stranger 🤣

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 26/04/2022 07:39

I don't think it is acceptable, it is not illegal or anything but rather creepy to approach women in this way, clearly he was not interested in your hoodie. I would immediately assume he was looking for a visa or money....someone to subsidise him. Decent men don't tend to hang around in parks on their own approaching women. I would ignore and keep walking.

Is it safe to use headphone in your area op? I would strongly consider it to be dangerous as it is dulling your awareness of men/people/danger around you, as you can't hear someone coming up behind you etc. I am always banging on about it to my teens.

ManAlive24 · 26/04/2022 07:41

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/04/2022 06:50

I actually think these men are really just using a scattergun approach to picking up women.

This is spot on. They approach any woman on her own that they find attractive - I watched a guy do this at Liverpool St Station once. A lot of women just gave him suspicious looks and walked on. Some looked doubtful but allowed themselves to be stopped before making their excuses. Some seemed to welcome his attention, and in the end one of them went into McDonald's with him, so I guess it can work.

Spot on. It's so easy to recognise. I had a guy start the other day, I made my disinterest extremely clear and he got the message.

PanicAtTheDisco2000 · 26/04/2022 07:42

It is a pick up artist (PUA) technique as mentioned by a PP
www.quora.com/What-is-your-favorite-PUA-technique

Original poster
sleepfortheweek · 26/04/2022 07:51

I do wish I hadn't said my name, but honestly I just wasn't thinking straight. I had no idea what was going on and as I said this kind of thing (outside of a bar/club where alcohol has been consumed) has never happened.

He doesn't know where I live or work so didn't give him my life story.

I wonder if it depends where you live, how you feel about this situation? I live in a tiny Scottish rural town, I probably knew half the people already in the park. It's the kind of town where you say hello to everyone you pass, regardless of if you know them.

If this had happened in a city I would maybe have felt differently.

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 26/04/2022 07:58

Clarinet1 · 26/04/2022 06:22

Come on everyone, the OP was in a public space, it probably wasn’t obvious that she was wearing earbuds and a man comes up and chats to her. When he finds out she is married makes his excuses and leaves her alone. That’s the key point to me - no real weirdo would be off by a little thing like a husband!

^^This.

Completely understandable given the times that we live in that many women would be a bit shaken by this type of encounter. However, it sounds like a perfectly legitimate, genuine interaction and the man left cheerfully after being told that OP has a partner. This used to be a perfectly normal way to meet people, striking up conversation in public spaces - dating advice used to suggest going to the supermarket and looking for men with trolleys that indicated they were single!

You only have to look at the number of threads on here about online dating to appreciate what an utter cesspool it is, and how it's hard to find the decent singletons. But nowadays that's often the main way to meet someone - especially with WFH, and some folk still refraining from socialising due to COVID. Directly approaching someone in a well-lite public space with lots of other people around isn't creepy. As a bloke, he probably wouldn't ever be able to comprehend why this would still leave many women feeling a bit shaken but that's not his fault - I can't see that he's done anything wrong here.

Knittingchamp · 26/04/2022 08:05

OP he thought you were lovely and couldn't leave the park without at least trying to ask you out for coffee. Plus that's the universe telling you something with that audiobook coincidence (not sure what it's telling you, but it's quite cool). 😄

pedropony76 · 26/04/2022 08:21

I would immediately assume he was looking for a visa or money....someone to subsidise him.

You cannot be serious??? You people don’t get out much at all do you?!

Original poster
sleepfortheweek · 26/04/2022 08:29

@Knittingchamp haha right?! So weird.

I doubt I'll bump into him again, but I'll maybe just take it as a compliment and put all sinister thoughts aside

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 26/04/2022 08:30

I am out all of the time, and there are plenty of men looking to pick up an easy ride in London and elsewhere. Your naivety is striking because you are clearly the one that needs to get out more! Confused

Original poster
sleepfortheweek · 26/04/2022 08:32

Swayingpalmtrees · 26/04/2022 07:39

I don't think it is acceptable, it is not illegal or anything but rather creepy to approach women in this way, clearly he was not interested in your hoodie. I would immediately assume he was looking for a visa or money....someone to subsidise him. Decent men don't tend to hang around in parks on their own approaching women. I would ignore and keep walking.

Is it safe to use headphone in your area op? I would strongly consider it to be dangerous as it is dulling your awareness of men/people/danger around you, as you can't hear someone coming up behind you etc. I am always banging on about it to my teens.

Yes I think it's safe, I never have them too loud. I also live in a very safe area with very low crime

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 26/04/2022 08:32

I don't see anything wrong with this when done in a public busy area. If there was nobody else around I'd be scared.

KirstenBlest · 26/04/2022 08:33

Streetpull. Wanted a shag without having to pay for it. I've had it many, many times.

A woman walking alone is fair game

Original poster
sleepfortheweek · 26/04/2022 08:35

@KirstenBlest I really don't think so. He seemed really awkward and out of his comfort zone.

Regardless, he didn't ask me for anything like that.

OP posts:
kagerou · 26/04/2022 08:40

In a world before online dating the only way you could potentially meet someone you liked the look of was to actually talk to them 😂

He was honest about his reason for speaking to you, polite, and respectfully removed himself when you told him you were in a relationship

Where is the problem here????

veronicagoldberg · 26/04/2022 08:45

I keep my interactions with men I don't know to an absolute minimum. Outside of professional setting, I'm not sure what we would need to be talking about.

CurlyToStraight · 26/04/2022 08:49

Some of the responses on this thread make me kind of sad. I totally understand why some women think this is weird, creepy or unacceptable, and given some of the horror stories we hear about I don't blame them. But in the "old days" this was the way people sometimes got together! They saw someone they liked, in a pub, shop or the park, took the plunge, approached them, made small talk and then took it from there. You only have to listen to Steve Wright's Love Songs (I know that ages me too! 😂) to hear of people who took the risk and went up to someone they didn't know and 40 years later they are still together. Given the circumstances that the OP outlines I think it's kind of sweet, he tried it on, got rejected, walked away. No harm done.

DiamondBright · 26/04/2022 08:49

I get men trying to start up a conversation sometimes, but usually while waiting to be served, so already standing close by or on a train, again naturally already in close proximity. The making a beeline across the park would have made me feel uncomfortable, I definitely wouldn't have made physical contact or given my name.

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/04/2022 09:02

sleepfortheweek · 26/04/2022 07:39

Actually this crossed my mind. He was very direct and almost thinking of the most common ways of how to start a conversation.

Show quote history

Another classic is to pretend they are lost and do I know the way to? ... I have had this a few times. Once I was in a country park I had driven too and later kicked myself for being too bloody friendly. The guy was on his bike, waited back until I drove off, then pedalled furiously to keep up behind me on my short journey home. I was so unnerved I took a detour and sped off to the motorway or some dual carriageway 😁 My dog is huge and I wasn't afraid of him attacking me, but I didn't want him to know where I lived.
Weirdo's are everywhere unfortunately 😡

Silversprinkles · 26/04/2022 09:02

Downunderduchess · 26/04/2022 02:31

What stood out for me in this exchange is how pliable you seemed to be to what he wanted. You were out walking minding your own business with headphones in. A random man sees you & decides he will speak to you. Then shakes your hand.

It would have been a no from me. I don’t like strangers (typically men) thinking they have a right to make me talk to them & touch them.

I’ve been accosted many times by men doing this. I don’t interact. I get to choose who I engage with.

I say no thanks & keep moving. I don’t care if they think I am rude. I don’t think it’s flattering.

Yup.

FloraPostePosts · 26/04/2022 09:14

pedropony76 · 26/04/2022 03:02

Some of the comments on here, bloody hell!

So a man isn’t allowed to start a conversation and ask someone out anymore? And if he does that makes him a creep?

Maybe because I live in SW London and my friends and I are approached all the time that I don’t see the problem. This man kindly made conversation, the OP didn’t feel threatened at all, he was still respectful once the OP said she wasn’t available and he left her alone with no problem. Someone tell me what’s wrong with that? You may not agree with his style of talking to a woman (shaking hands, asking what interests she has etc) but he really didn’t do anything wrong to label him a creep.

It’s funny because I see threads where women ask where they can meet people and comments often say, ‘join a club, you may be lucky and meet someone out in a pub/bar or in public.’ How are women meant to do that if it’s creepy when a man approachs them? Unless women are the only ones who should be approaching men now…

There’s a clear difference between approaching someone in a shared social situation, like at a hobby, bar or pub, where there’s an expectation of chatting and meeting, and man approaching a woman in the street who has headphones on, is clearly going about her business, and is not looking for social interaction.

For that man to interrupt the woman and demand her time for a conversation when she is not looking for it, is a creepy thing to do because it says several things - 1. That he thinks her time is less valuable than his; 2. That she somehow owes him a conversation because he finds her attractive; and 3. That he doesn’t respect the boundary she has in place, which is indicated by her headphones.

It’s just the wrong context in which to try and start a conversation, one in which the man feels he has rights to a woman in a way which is disrespectful at least and harmful at worst. It is a scenario straight out of the pick up artist’s playbook.

CPL593H · 26/04/2022 09:19

I think being chatted up when you are eg with a group of friends in a bar is different to someone approaching a lone woman in a public place, even if there were other people around. I would question the reasoning of a man who did this, even if he meant no harm, it is "off" behaviour (and I'm from the generation who were apparently encouraged to think if you used Impulse body spray, random blokes would rush up to present you with bunches of flowers)

sqirrelfriends · 26/04/2022 09:20

It's weird, but it does happen. Could be he's an aspiring pick up artist or maybe just a weirdo.

Once a man stopped me in the street, I said I was sorry but I had an appointment and walked off (I wasn't rude). He spotted me about 10 minutes later and literally chased me into a shopping centre and started shouting that I was rude and to come talk to him. Errr, no.

This happened about 10 years ago, now I would be terrified but at the time I thought they were harmless.

squiller · 26/04/2022 09:24

I’d be terrified if this happened to me. Since I’ve got a bit older (well, only late 20s) I’m definitely more anxious about men in particular. I go out running but always stick to main roads in built up areas so I know lots of people are around all of the time. Probably wouldn’t have questioned it 5 or so years ago but with recent murders like Sabina and Sarah Everard, I’d honestly be terrified if a strange man stopped me running or walking to ‘compliment’ me.

I think it would be different if this man was walking your way anyway and maybe had a dog so stopped to make small talk about the dogs and it progressed. It’s the fact he went out of his way to approach you specifically to compliment you that’s weird and creepy.

squiller · 26/04/2022 09:24

I’d be terrified if this happened to me. Since I’ve got a bit older (well, only late 20s) I’m definitely more anxious about men in particular. I go out running but always stick to main roads in built up areas so I know lots of people are around all of the time. Probably wouldn’t have questioned it 5 or so years ago but with recent murders like Sabina and Sarah Everard, I’d honestly be terrified if a strange man stopped me running or walking to ‘compliment’ me.

I think it would be different if this man was walking your way anyway and maybe had a dog so stopped to make small talk about the dogs and it progressed. It’s the fact he went out of his way to approach you specifically to compliment you that’s weird and creepy.

EmpressSuiko · 26/04/2022 09:25

I was in a pub once with family and friends, a local band was playing, as they were leaving the lead singer approached our table and starting telling me how beautiful I was.
All my lady friends felt quite offended but I felt like it was a mean joke! I don’t find myself attractive so it ruined my night and I couldn’t shake the feeling it was a dare to pick on the ugly girl.
Either way whatever his intentions or true feelings were I just wanted to share as men do approach women randomly!