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Original poster

To think my DH doesnt love me anymore?

136 replies

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:55

This probably should be in relationships, but I've posted here for traffic.
Long time poster(10 years plus) name change.
Been with DH 25 years. 4 DC. 2 older. 2 school age.
He has always been very different to me. Quieter. Can be grumpy.
However, I always felt loved.

He has always been very patient with me. I'm quite fiery and have been and can be a bit mean during a row.
I always say sorry and he always kind of not taken much notice!
We have always been affectionate. Had a good sex life. Similar family values.
He an be anti social in a obvious way if hes not in the mood and totally kill the mood. Something that's caused arguments over the years but I've also kind of accepted. When ( and only when ) hes in the mood he will be great company in a social setting.

Anyway, past couple years I feel hes becoming increasingly irritated by me. Something he strenuously denies.
He virtually never says sorry after a row( or a bicker as it mostly is) and its almost like I'm not worthy of one.
For example, he an be quite snappy and I feel quite hurt. The next day he will speak to me as normal. If i mention it, he says I'm touchy and too sensitive.
I can get this, but he didnt used to be this way.
I find myself saying less and less and keeping to myself. He seems happy with this as long as I dont rock the boat by saying things arent right.
He gets cross at this and says hes fine and it's me moaning or reading stuff into situations that arent there.

As a result, I'm rarely affectionate now. He kisses me hello and goodnight and I hardly react.
We now havent had sex for 2 months. He hasnt mentioned it .
We normally would at least have sex once a week minimum.
I've tried to say please can we talk and he raises his voice and says " oh not this again, I'm fine. Its you moaning ".
I have to end the conversation there and then as DC are always there. I even suggested going for a walk on our own to talk. He said "I'm not a teenager ".
So I just have to put up and shut up it seems.

I have had a good think and I accept maybe he just doesnt want to accept any shit from me. And he must be fed up with no sex. He must be.
I decided I would try and make more effort. I'm the past he has probably pretty much been the more affectionate one and instigated sex too.
We have just been on a family holiday and first couple of days all was great.
When we went out for dinner I held his hand. He made a joke. All seemed fine. He never made any such gesture to me. And he would in the past he would have said oh this is nice, let's try harder, let's make an effort.

One day he bit my head off in front of DC.
I had to basically just let it go, but I felt crushed.
Next day back to normal. He even offered to buy me a very expensive item I saw in a shop. It's all very odd.

Its like a vicious circle. I withdraw so as not piss him off so to speak. Hes annoyed that I'm not making an effort and then he he off with me. Which then makes me look at him and fucking hate him.
I also get the ick at times. The way he eats. Farts all of the time. Etc.
I could overlook this but lack of affection and intimacy is compounding it.
I want things to be the way they used to be.
I also want to say fuck you. I'm not living like this.
What the hell can I do?
I'm also very peri menopausal . Just started HRT. Have awful anxiety and low mood( which I can cover). The anxiety is also due to this situation as well as hormonal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:59

Also I have literally no one to speak to in RL. My sister is very biased to me and wonder which I put up with such a grump.
My oldest friend I hardly ever actually get to meet up with. Shes supportive hut has a very fuck him attitude and do your own thing.
I've realised how lonely I am. Deso iui te having a busy family life and demanding job.

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 25/04/2022 20:02

I’m going through the same OP.
I’ll be interested in any replies.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 20:06

I'm sorry you are going through it too.😓
Hoping for some helpful responses for us.

OP posts:
Clymene · 25/04/2022 20:09

Assuming you're in your 50s (or even your 60s). I'd leave. It sounds absolutely miserable.

Or are you stuck financially? I see so many threads on here from women where it looks like their husbands just feel like they don't even need to be nice to them once they've been married a long time. Like they feel they've paid enough to no longer need to pretend to be a decent human being.

It's grim.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 20:30

I'm only 50!!!!
Financially I'd be ok. I have a well paid job. But I'd struggle compared to a family income I suppose.
I do wonder whether he is just not a very nice man.
Or whether over the years I've not been a very nice woman at times. And now hes lost his patience. Probably a bit of both.
Either way I want us to work but I dont want to plod along in a relationship like this but still outwardly do stuff as a family.
Neither do I really want a split.
I cant belive I'm In this situation.and I cant believe he doesnt mind it!!!

In the past, if I were upset, he would have said oh dont be silly ,I love you and hugged me.

Now hes sitting watching TV
If I went and said let's talk(impossible with DC here anyway) he would almost certainly roll his eyes and say what now?

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 25/04/2022 20:42

From an outsiders perspective if you want to remain in the relationship and work on it then there are probably actions you can take. It doesn’t make it your fault but put out what you want to get back.

You say you can be mean and not very nice, but then say he acts like he doesn’t like you, but that actually you don’t like him either.
You say you held his hand on holiday but then you got pissed of that he didn’t initiate, even though historically it is usually him having to initiate.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong in a marriage, particularly when it is over lots of smaller things.
Would you prefer to split? Or prefer to be together?

Sometimes we can’t force our conflict resolutions on other people, so if you know he doesn’t respond well to ‘let’s just talk about the failings in our relationship’ sort of formal chats then maybe just drop that. Instead model the relationship you want. Put yourself out there to bring back the fun, positive relationship you once had.
Plan dates, say nice things, initiate frequent kisses. You might find that these things will all be reciprocated.

In the past, if I were upset, he would have said oh dont be silly ,I love you and hugged me.
We all ebb and flow over the course of our relationships so maybe you need to take this role on for a bit and be the one actively diffusing the situations like this.

HikingforScenery · 25/04/2022 20:50

I agree that it seems to be a bit of both OP. Seems like he’s had enough of your ‘meanness’ and is protecting himself by also being mean.
You can’t live like this but I wonder if you can approach it differently. Can you be lighthearted about it and start building communication up, then talk? Could therapy help you to figure out your next step?

the farting all the time stuff would really gross me out too 🤢

TomPinch · 25/04/2022 21:09

Hi OP. I was in a very similar situation to your DH. And I think you've been very reflective about things.

In my case DW has a white hot temper and she really hurt me again and again. In the end I simply ran out of patience and at that point all her mannerisms just started to annoy me and I just wanted space from her. Basically the 'ick'.

I'm sure I became pretty poor company at that point.

I think of myself as a reasonably nice person but I don't think we were being very nice to each other.

We did find a way back, things are better now, because we are very very committed to each other but it was a very long road and it's only been quite recently that I've even been reasonably sure of a happy future. In our case I insisted that the fighting had to stop and DW's anger frightened me, and at some point the penny dropped. The problem for you will doubtlessly be something a bit different but I hope this helps.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:09

luxxlisbon · 25/04/2022 20:42

From an outsiders perspective if you want to remain in the relationship and work on it then there are probably actions you can take. It doesn’t make it your fault but put out what you want to get back.

You say you can be mean and not very nice, but then say he acts like he doesn’t like you, but that actually you don’t like him either.
You say you held his hand on holiday but then you got pissed of that he didn’t initiate, even though historically it is usually him having to initiate.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong in a marriage, particularly when it is over lots of smaller things.
Would you prefer to split? Or prefer to be together?

Sometimes we can’t force our conflict resolutions on other people, so if you know he doesn’t respond well to ‘let’s just talk about the failings in our relationship’ sort of formal chats then maybe just drop that. Instead model the relationship you want. Put yourself out there to bring back the fun, positive relationship you once had.
Plan dates, say nice things, initiate frequent kisses. You might find that these things will all be reciprocated.

In the past, if I were upset, he would have said oh dont be silly ,I love you and hugged me.
We all ebb and flow over the course of our relationships so maybe you need to take this role on for a bit and be the one actively diffusing the situations like this.

I really want to do all of those things but it's so fucking hard when nearly all of the time he snaps at me.
The day he offered to buy me a present I was so nice to him and thanking him for the offer even though it was too much to buy.
I said thanks for a nice holiday, I loved it.
But now hes sitting drinking a beer. I asked him a question and he looked up as I was clearly disturbing his TV show. He gave me a very snappy irritated answer like I was a pesky child.
I've got tears I'm my eyes.

I dont actually feel like kissing him or being nice!
As for dates
Hes never really taken me out. We never had babysitters and when we did he always said hwd make the effort but didnt. Hes a telly person.
I like nice wine bars and the theatre. He will occasionally be in the mood. Even holiday he isnt fussed.despite knowing it what I love

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 25/04/2022 21:18

I don’t doubt that it’s difficult and maybe you are past the point of saving things, I don’t know.
I’m just pointing out that your roles have sort of flipped. For years it was you being mean and shitty and he was the one carrying the burden of that.
Now if he is short with you, you say one nice comment and then that’s it, you feel you have done your part. It just seems quite limited.

Then again maybe he is just over it, maybe you are just over it. We can’t answer that. You either want to make an effort to move past this and do the hard repair work without trying to assign blame or you decide it isn’t working anymore .

TomPinch · 25/04/2022 21:20

The difficulty in our situation was that I needed space and backed off: DW was hurt by by that and kept trying to close the gap: the result was a game that was hurtful to both of us. DW, because she felt shunned, me because I felt smothered and unsafe. I wish I could tell you how we got past that, but I actually don't really know. I think it was that as the arguments reduced it eventually made us easier around each other.

Canhearthemice · 25/04/2022 21:36

Sounds like you have come to the end and you either live as 2 separate people in the same house as it's financially easier or you separate. If you choose to stay, you need to maybe cultivate friendships so that you have others to enjoy outings with.

KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 21:41

It’s their way of shutting you down. It’s form of control.
My DH does the same. I no longer challenge anything or it will end up with an argument, so he wins.
Then the resentment will kick in and you’ll be on the divorce thread.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:45

@TomPinch
Thanks for sharing
Maybe that's how he feels about me?
Do you love your wife the same now you have worked through things?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:46

KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 21:41

It’s their way of shutting you down. It’s form of control.
My DH does the same. I no longer challenge anything or it will end up with an argument, so he wins.
Then the resentment will kick in and you’ll be on the divorce thread.

This is what I've tried to tell him numerous times.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 21:47

Would he go to marriage counselling ? Sorry if you’ve already answered this

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:47

Canhearthemice · 25/04/2022 21:36

Sounds like you have come to the end and you either live as 2 separate people in the same house as it's financially easier or you separate. If you choose to stay, you need to maybe cultivate friendships so that you have others to enjoy outings with.

I don't want to live like this I do want love and intimacy
The friends thing I do need to action though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:48

KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 21:47

Would he go to marriage counselling ? Sorry if you’ve already answered this

I suspect he would say I dont need any help, I'm fine.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 21:50

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:48

I suspect he would say I dont need any help, I'm fine.

Show quote history

I’m thinking of asking my DH to try it, as I think it would give me the confidence to bring things up in front of him. There’s so many things I want to say, but can’t.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:54

@luxxlisbon
Yes that makes sense. I suppose it hoping for a quick fix
I guess I get arsey when efforts arent reciprocated.
There is no quick fix but its upsetting when I'm nice and he still snaps.
I appreciate I've had a go at him in the past, but i dont think he was actually upset by me. I'm crying tonight.
Nothing upsets him.
I'm not a bad person. In fact, I'm kind.
I love doing stuff as a family, cooking, days out. Making things nice.
Now he looks and speaks to me like I'm the worlds most annoying person.
And I've noticed he never compliments me anymore.
I make a huge effort with my appearance ( for me). He never says I look nice now.

OP posts:
TomPinch · 25/04/2022 21:56

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:45

@TomPinch
Thanks for sharing
Maybe that's how he feels about me?
Do you love your wife the same now you have worked through things?

I regained my love for her, and I feel I love her much more deeply now than I ever did before. There are parts of me that are still very raw, but what really did help was thinking about why we got together in the first place. It's easy to forget all that in the bad times. She's a very loving person and just very intense.

I think we are now a lot better at simply being with eachother.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 21:56

@luxxlisbon
Yes that makes sense. I suppose it hoping for a quick fix
I guess I get arsey when efforts arent reciprocated.
There is no quick fix but its upsetting when I'm nice and he still snaps.
I appreciate I've had a go at him in the past, but i dont think he was actually upset by me. I'm crying tonight.
Nothing upsets him.
I'm not a bad person. In fact, I'm kind.
I love doing stuff as a family, cooking, days out. Making things nice.
Now he looks and speaks to me like I'm the worlds most annoying person.
And I've noticed he never compliments me anymore.
I make a huge effort with my appearance ( for me). He never says I look nice now.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 25/04/2022 22:00

He probably doesn't cry when he's upset, though. The way boys are socialised is a factor here - he's more likely to internalise his upset feelings and have them build up and curdle inside him, which would lead to the kind of sniping and stonewalling you're seeing now.

This is such dreadful advice it doesn't really qualify as advice at all, but it's what I personally would do. I'd go back in there, crying if that's the state you're in, sit down opposite him and ask him whether he wants to be married any more. Say that you understand that there has been fault on both sides, but that the current stalemate is intolerable and there needs to be a conversation - no more deflections.

Carrotten · 25/04/2022 22:05

To be honest I would say actually it's you who doesn't seem to love him. You say you don't want to kiss him, you don't want sex with him, you've said he's not a very nice person, you get the ick etc.

You put all of the blame on him, but I would say neither of you seem very into the relationship. You are playing the hurt card a lot, but equally say you can be mean and expect him not to be hurt.

To be honest I think it sounds like the relationship is pretty dead. You sound like you want a loving relationship, but not really with him

Thereisnolight · 25/04/2022 22:06

Greensleeves · 25/04/2022 22:00

He probably doesn't cry when he's upset, though. The way boys are socialised is a factor here - he's more likely to internalise his upset feelings and have them build up and curdle inside him, which would lead to the kind of sniping and stonewalling you're seeing now.

This is such dreadful advice it doesn't really qualify as advice at all, but it's what I personally would do. I'd go back in there, crying if that's the state you're in, sit down opposite him and ask him whether he wants to be married any more. Say that you understand that there has been fault on both sides, but that the current stalemate is intolerable and there needs to be a conversation - no more deflections.

She’s tried to talk to him and he denies there’s an issue. That’s the point!

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