To think my DH doesnt love me anymore?

[Itsnotonlyrainbows]

This probably should be in relationships, but I've posted here for traffic.
Long time poster(10 years plus) name change.
Been with DH 25 years. 4 DC. 2 older. 2 school age.
He has always been very different to me. Quieter. Can be grumpy.
However, I always felt loved.

He has always been very patient with me. I'm quite fiery and have been and can be a bit mean during a row.
I always say sorry and he always kind of not taken much notice!
We have always been affectionate. Had a good sex life. Similar family values.
He an be anti social in a obvious way if hes not in the mood and totally kill the mood. Something that's caused arguments over the years but I've also kind of accepted. When ( and only when ) hes in the mood he will be great company in a social setting.

Anyway, past couple years I feel hes becoming increasingly irritated by me. Something he strenuously denies.
He virtually never says sorry after a row( or a bicker as it mostly is) and its almost like I'm not worthy of one.
For example, he an be quite snappy and I feel quite hurt. The next day he will speak to me as normal. If i mention it, he says I'm touchy and too sensitive.
I can get this, but he didnt used to be this way.
I find myself saying less and less and keeping to myself. He seems happy with this as long as I dont rock the boat by saying things arent right.
He gets cross at this and says hes fine and it's me moaning or reading stuff into situations that arent there.

As a result, I'm rarely affectionate now. He kisses me hello and goodnight and I hardly react.
We now havent had sex for 2 months. He hasnt mentioned it .
We normally would at least have sex once a week minimum.
I've tried to say please can we talk and he raises his voice and says " oh not this again, I'm fine. Its you moaning ".
I have to end the conversation there and then as DC are always there. I even suggested going for a walk on our own to talk. He said "I'm not a teenager ".
So I just have to put up and shut up it seems.

I have had a good think and I accept maybe he just doesnt want to accept any shit from me. And he must be fed up with no sex. He must be.
I decided I would try and make more effort. I'm the past he has probably pretty much been the more affectionate one and instigated sex too.
We have just been on a family holiday and first couple of days all was great.
When we went out for dinner I held his hand. He made a joke. All seemed fine. He never made any such gesture to me. And he would in the past he would have said oh this is nice, let's try harder, let's make an effort.

One day he bit my head off in front of DC.
I had to basically just let it go, but I felt crushed.
Next day back to normal. He even offered to buy me a very expensive item I saw in a shop. It's all very odd.

Its like a vicious circle. I withdraw so as not piss him off so to speak. Hes annoyed that I'm not making an effort and then he he off with me. Which then makes me look at him and fucking hate him.
I also get the ick at times. The way he eats. Farts all of the time. Etc.
I could overlook this but lack of affection and intimacy is compounding it.
I want things to be the way they used to be.
I also want to say fuck you. I'm not living like this.
What the hell can I do?
I'm also very peri menopausal . Just started HRT. Have awful anxiety and low mood( which I can cover). The anxiety is also due to this situation as well as hormonal.

That’s the point. You or I and even the OP do not know if a letter would work or not. It’s free and gives an opportunity to at least let the OP communicate her feelings in full without being cut off. It does not require a mediator or extreme action as some suggest but rather attempts to resolve the initial issue of communication at least from the OP’s point of view.

@PyongyangKipperbang

It sounds like he has mentally already left the relationship. Not wanting to talk, no more sex or affection. Is it possible there is someone else on the horizon for him? Someone from work? If he won't discuss making improvements and snaps at you all the time, I think the time has come to call it a day. I would go to see a solicitor and find out what you would be entitled to. I know if you have school aged children you will get more than if they had left school. If you leave it several years you will most likely lose out financially. It is hard to start over but better than living walking on eggshells all the time and the children will notice the atmosphere.

Thats a fair point and I do get what you are saying, but my concern is that if he is refusing to discuss anything, to the point of saying "Oh what now?!" when she hasnt even brought anything up, that she will pour her heart out in a letter and he will pour it.....into the bin.

Its clear that he doesnt care and so the OP gets her feelings out there and then gets hurt again when he doesnt give a toss. Lets face it, that is the most likely scenario.

FWIW I have read the "men are from mars..." book and I am not convinced, it seems to be an excuse manual for shitty men and a training manual for their wives to be enablers/excusers.

OP Ask yourself this question. Do you want to grow old with this man?

Do you really want to spend your time with someone who drains the life out of you?

Take him on one side and tell him how you feel. Tell him if things do not change you will end it. Make him listen and say it once only.
Put the ball in his court and let him decide.
Do not waste any more time. Life is so short

I simply would have patience with this man, men can be mean, just write a letter you can’t argue with a letter.
or is it just his age, belated crisis.
having said all that women can be moody and hormonal, take care, find the answers or move on

So sorry you are going through this OP.
But he sounds like he may have already checked out of the relationship.

You could try couples counselling, but unless he wants to save the relationship you will be wasting your time and money.
I'm a similar age and wasted several painful months trying couples therapy, but as I have since learnt unless two people equally want to save it , its unlikely to improve. I am embracing the single life now, which I never would have believed I would..weekends away with friends..making my own choices...and actually financially better off as I m better at budgeting.
Good luck .

A letter is a very good idea and DW and I both used them from time to time (me more than her). You can write it when you're in the right frame of mind (ie calm and kind) and he can read it when he's ready. It's a very non-confrontational way of dealing with confronting things.

In response to other comments up-thread: I would retreat from conflict with DW and she took that as not me not caring. In fact I cared very much but I a) didn't want to be hurt and b) didn't want to let my feelings show as that would have escalated things. And yes, I'm sure that was a societal expectation playing out. If DW had simply started crying at me (as suggested previously) there is no way that I could have had an honest discussion with her as I would have been preoccupied with comforting her. We both needed to be calm and kind.

Marriage guidance was pretty useless for is. I think it's as good as the therapist you get. In my case it meant I got treated by DW as a dartboard.

Relationships often run their course. This one has. Just end it. Or carry on being miserable. Up to you.

I would retreat from conflict with DW and she took that as not me not caring. In fact I cared very much but I a) didn't want to be hurt and b) didn't want to let my feelings show as that would have escalated things

Interesting and seems to be stereotypical of many men...though I struggle to relate. What did you fear in a conversation?

Oh OP, this sounds miserable, and you're right, you absolutely can't go on like this. Neither of you sound happy, but he seems intent on keeping you at arm's length and relishing the fact that he's more in control of this shitty situation than you are.

I'd suggest tonight when you're both home, you insist that you have time alone to talk. If he says 'oh not this again, I've told you I'm fine' or words to that effect, simply say 'Well I am NOT fine and I'm not living like this" and push for a conversation. His response will speak volumes - he'll either refuse or huff and puff and do what you need. If he refuses, then I'd ask directly whether his refusal means he's happy for things to end and if so, when he will be moving out... If he agrees to talk, then spell it out simply and ask if the time has come to separate as the two of you are clearly unhappy.

You may not get the answer or the response you want, but at least you'll be able to make plans and move forward from this miserable limbo you're in right now.

The sudden lack of sex is a red flag for someone else. Is this possible? Any other signs? Eg on phone a lot.

Clearly if he won't engage in a conversation you have a big problem. I'd tell him exactly that. "I'm not happy with our relationship, that you won't discuss it, that you speak to me like shit in front of the children". Next time he offers to leave have his bag ready. You don't have to live like this. It's controlling, oppressive, unpleasant. Your children will all have picked up on it.

OP,

He sounds like a bully.
He shouts you down when you try to talk about something.

He has crossed a like in speaking to you so badly in front of your child.

That is a deal breaker.

He sounds awful.

Practically, how would separation work?

Can you afford to?

He is treating you with barely concealed contempt and I think you need to be talking separation before you find 10 years gone and you are approaching retirement with a nasty, grumpy pig.

Better to be brave now.

Start looking at that details as to how divorce would look.

I think your marriage is over.

He's treating you like shit and you are allowing it.

In the meantime, stop doing ANYTHING that benefits him.

If my husband spoke disrespectfully to me in front of my children, he would absolutely know about it.

Kindly meant but you have accepted too much poor behaviour from him.

He has you exactly where he wants you.

He has a lovely home, you making it comfortable and him treating you like shit.

Stop accepting this treatment.

Get organised with paperwork, pensions, payslips etc.

OP,

He sounds like a bully.
He shouts you down when you try to talk about something.

He has crossed a like in speaking to you so badly in front of your child.

That is a deal breaker.

He sounds awful.

Practically, how would separation work?

Can you afford to?

He is treating you with barely concealed contempt and I think you need to be talking separation before you find 10 years gone and you are approaching retirement with a nasty, grumpy pig.

Better to be brave now.

Start looking at that details as to how divorce would look.

I think your marriage is over.

He's treating you like shit and you are allowing it.

In the meantime, stop doing ANYTHING that benefits him.

If my husband spoke disrespectfully to me in front of my children, he would absolutely know about it.

Kindly meant but you have accepted too much poor behaviour from him.

He has you exactly where he wants you.

He has a lovely home, you making it comfortable and him treating you like shit.

Stop accepting this treatment.

Get organised with paperwork, pensions, payslips etc.

Being yelled at and belittled, called names, accused of things, DW venting, fear of my emotions getting the better of me and escalating the situation. What I was retreating from couldn't really be described as conversations but after a while even conversions became dangerous because of what they could become.

Its no way to live indefinitely OP, marriage needs work but if he's not prepared to put that in anymore then if you want any happiness, you should probably think about leaving

@Itsnotonlyrainbows same situation here 2 years ago I was full of self doubt and guilt.

Turns out DH had depression plus a porn addiction and in counselling said "I had stopped valuing her". I nearly left him. Developed a crush (cringing a bit to think of it) purely because I was so lonely.

We went to counselling and while still not in a brilliant place, things are slowly improving.

It happens lots of people...

This is such a beautiful thing to read. So contrary to the fact that most people do choose to split up these days and start from scratch with someone new. We are going through a difficult stage with my DH at the moment after 8 years together and 2 DCs. However despite small arguments we are also very committed to make it work, to regain this intimacy , to find more time for each others. I am glad to see it can happen .

As for the OP please don't burn all the bridges just yet. If he still loves you and you still love him there got to be a way for you to understand each other. Marriages are complicated and perhaps you DH is also going through some mini crisis of his own hence the snapping. Maybe he feels like he hasn't achieved something he wanted in his life. I don't know try and talk to one another and hear each other out. It sounds like there is still love there

I think you come across as a very balanced person in your OP @Itsnotonlyrainbows you have owned your own shit in the relationship and called out your DPs too. You don’t give him all of the responsibility for the situation and you don’t overly and unfairly accept responsibility yourself either. In most circumstances I think therapy can be useful to unpick possible big life choices but in yours I actually think you have all of the skills to do this yourself, you need to sit down by yourself and really consider what you want out of the rest for your life, from yourself, from a life partner and then see if he checks enough of the boxes for this to continue.

My husband can do some of what you describe and I can be a bit like you describe yourself to be but the big difference is he is willing to communicate and change along the way, we both are, we try to to meet the other person’s needs but it didn’t always used to be like that for us either. We have grown into that pattern but it reads a bit like you and your husband are growing out of any healthy communication.

To be honest if there is no communication I don’t see how you can move forward. Stonewalling issues as he is doing is really impossible to deal with. I wish you the best.

Hi everyone
I'd be totally amazed if he had another woman. Sounds naive but no opportunity. He doesn't work with women really not a job where he socialised.
In that respect, I trust him
Think the lack of sex has just only recently crept up.
Normally we would hug and kiss a d make jokes and innuendos. Him more than me.
I very early even peck him on the lips the past couple of weeks as I'm normally so irritated.
Its sounds pretty but I kind of act normal and them he will snap at me. I suppose I am sensitive and I do have a tendency to sulk,( not a new thing). So them I think bollocks
If I say dont be snappy ,he will say I'm overreacting.
Maybe I am . In fact I am. It's just that he didnt use to be quite so intolerant of me!!

He has ever been a great communicator
Not just relationship wise, generally.
For instance if we chat about even everday stuff he will talk for a short while and that's him done.
He would never sit and talk in the house with no telly on!!!
Hes quiet really and I'd say unsociable compared to me.

And I'm not some doormat that will let him speak to me any old way
Sometimes I could rip his head off,but I'm done with that approach.
I was planning to message him today but I've decided to semi try a tactic another poster suggested. By being nice.
Think I'm going to give it a couple of weeks being normal and seeing how it goes.

OP I think it sound like your dh is just worn down a bit from the long standing dynamic in your relationship.

You say you're hot headed and can have a tendency to sulk, you have said mean thing in the heat of the moment and by and large, up to recently he has absorbed it, shrugged it off, and was still the more affectionate one and would make jokes and initiate intimacy with you?

Sounds like he has made a of effort over the years. He's not as young as he was and perhaps he's just tired now and it's actually ground down his patience for your more high octane approach to things?

And now you're reacting to him withdrawing - so perhaps you can imagine even partly how he might have felt for the years where your emotions / reactions dominated the relationship?

I think your approach to be normal and more thoughtful and kinder over the coming weeks will tell you a lot. It should at least open an opportunity for you both to be in a better headspace to have a chat about what's going on for you both.

You loved each other enough to marry and have children and build a life together and that's not nothing but only you know if its worth saving..?

Just wanted to add a bit to my initial comment. It sounds like it is a rough stage and that perhaps your husband is going through some sort of crisis when he just wants to watch TV and nothing else. However I would honestly advise to remember all the good moments you've had together over the 25 years, all the laughter and joy and talk to him about those days. He is not great at talking? Maybe put some music on and look through all the different pictures you got of you two together at different stages in life. Gently discuss what stage are you both at right now. What do you both want to do in the future together? Do you still see it together?

I also wanted to add that on many similar threads on MN posters tend to jump to quick solutions such as 'you sound unhappy, you deserve to be happy so divorce him'. These people have not been in a relationship with you for 25 years and its easy for them to advise you to tear it all apart . However from the experience of my own mum and my DH's mum who divorced around the same age to you the grass is not always greener elsewhere. Honestly it is not always so. My mum went through a period of short relationships with much younger men and it left her with absolutely nothing. I am saying that without any judgement. She is a single woman living in a council flat alone. My husband's mum met a lovely met shortly after divorce who she had a long term relationship who just lost their spouse. They always loved their spouse and only needed someone for the company. One Christmas this person simply told her to stop touching his wives things , to get out of his house and thats he was moving abroad to his children and grandchildren because they are his life and not her. Its heartbreaking. I am sorry but if you love your husband try and fight not with him but through this stage. Try counselling if it helps. It does sound like there is a trouble communicating, that lack of sex means you feel cold and alone. Perhaps he does too?

@OrientalDaisy I totally agree with you and think your posts are spot on and kind and thoughtful