To think my DH doesnt love me anymore?

[Itsnotonlyrainbows]

This probably should be in relationships, but I've posted here for traffic.
Long time poster(10 years plus) name change.
Been with DH 25 years. 4 DC. 2 older. 2 school age.
He has always been very different to me. Quieter. Can be grumpy.
However, I always felt loved.

He has always been very patient with me. I'm quite fiery and have been and can be a bit mean during a row.
I always say sorry and he always kind of not taken much notice!
We have always been affectionate. Had a good sex life. Similar family values.
He an be anti social in a obvious way if hes not in the mood and totally kill the mood. Something that's caused arguments over the years but I've also kind of accepted. When ( and only when ) hes in the mood he will be great company in a social setting.

Anyway, past couple years I feel hes becoming increasingly irritated by me. Something he strenuously denies.
He virtually never says sorry after a row( or a bicker as it mostly is) and its almost like I'm not worthy of one.
For example, he an be quite snappy and I feel quite hurt. The next day he will speak to me as normal. If i mention it, he says I'm touchy and too sensitive.
I can get this, but he didnt used to be this way.
I find myself saying less and less and keeping to myself. He seems happy with this as long as I dont rock the boat by saying things arent right.
He gets cross at this and says hes fine and it's me moaning or reading stuff into situations that arent there.

As a result, I'm rarely affectionate now. He kisses me hello and goodnight and I hardly react.
We now havent had sex for 2 months. He hasnt mentioned it .
We normally would at least have sex once a week minimum.
I've tried to say please can we talk and he raises his voice and says " oh not this again, I'm fine. Its you moaning ".
I have to end the conversation there and then as DC are always there. I even suggested going for a walk on our own to talk. He said "I'm not a teenager ".
So I just have to put up and shut up it seems.

I have had a good think and I accept maybe he just doesnt want to accept any shit from me. And he must be fed up with no sex. He must be.
I decided I would try and make more effort. I'm the past he has probably pretty much been the more affectionate one and instigated sex too.
We have just been on a family holiday and first couple of days all was great.
When we went out for dinner I held his hand. He made a joke. All seemed fine. He never made any such gesture to me. And he would in the past he would have said oh this is nice, let's try harder, let's make an effort.

One day he bit my head off in front of DC.
I had to basically just let it go, but I felt crushed.
Next day back to normal. He even offered to buy me a very expensive item I saw in a shop. It's all very odd.

Its like a vicious circle. I withdraw so as not piss him off so to speak. Hes annoyed that I'm not making an effort and then he he off with me. Which then makes me look at him and fucking hate him.
I also get the ick at times. The way he eats. Farts all of the time. Etc.
I could overlook this but lack of affection and intimacy is compounding it.
I want things to be the way they used to be.
I also want to say fuck you. I'm not living like this.
What the hell can I do?
I'm also very peri menopausal . Just started HRT. Have awful anxiety and low mood( which I can cover). The anxiety is also due to this situation as well as hormonal.

He wants you to live in his world.
Don't start an argument.
Don't start up a conversation that he will find uncomfortable .
Don't want to go out to a place he doesn't want to visit.
Don't have an opinion.
Don't try to change him.
Don't rock his boat .

Have you noticed a repeating word ? Don't .
He wants you to live in the world he wants for himself , on his terms , with a wife that Won't , won't won't want to upset his status quo .
Fuck that .

Have you replied?

What's stopping you?

" you said you were moving out. When are you going"?

Wtf? His behaviour is disgusting. Does he really expect a lifetime like this?

You've acknowledged all kinds of personality 'quirks' ! We are all dicks sometimes. Irritating, impatient etc etc He doesn't sound like Mr perfect. This is a horrible situation for you but I think it time to stop letting him control everything and take some control back. Ask him to leave. See a solicitor. Give an ultimatum.

And I know you think there isn't another woman... but I'd be going through his phone and emails too.

I’ve read your whole thread but not commented before.

It’s so sad - he will be ok as long as you accept being a non- person.

Don’t do that. Get some talking support for yourself if you can (not easy at the moment) and start thinking from the point of view of how you want to live the rest of your life.

You are a woman in your own right. Teach him that by believing it yourself.

OP,
@PyongyangKipperbang has nailed it for you, among others.

He wants you to STFU and focus on being house skivvy/childcare provider.

Stop bothering him, he isn't interested.
He no longer loves you, but is prepared to tolerate you as it's convenient.

There will never be a good time as there is always something coming up.

But your children will absolutely be aware, by osmosis, the atmosphere and his distain.

He needs to move out, so that you can have space.

There is no way I would be accepting, being tolerated, for his convience.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him from now.

You can't fix a relationship single handed my, it takes both of you. He's made himself crystal clear, he's not going to change and he's happy with the status quo. You now need to decide if you want to continue in the relationship as it stands now or not. If you're unhappy then you need to change the things you can, such as deciding to end the relationship

If you were reading his profile and it said, 'I don't want any drama (opinions from you, don't challenge me ever), I just want a quiet life (could you carry on as normal while I ignore you), I have no conversation beyond the mundane of day to day , etc, would you date him?
You cannot make a fire burn without putting the logs on and at the moment he's not even picking up twigs. He's effectively putting his fingers in his ears and going 'la la la la' so he can't hear anything. I think a lot of men don't believe their partners will go to the effort of ending things as they themselves would rather live a miserable half life than face a post mortem.

@Itsnotonlyrainbows
He won't do it because it'll mess up his life , he has no respect if he can't sit down and realise there are issues and speak to his wife and sort things out, he's honestly very selfish. I have no idea what is going on in his head but things can't continue he almost has you scared to say anything to him at all it's controlling and awful he's supposed to love you his wife the mother to his children and all he wants from you is to zip it and continue doing the chores and looking after the kids please be kind to yourself stay strong and tell him what's what , if he doesn't like it tell him he can go . He really sounds like he's tore down your confidence in yourself to speak up. I hope your ok op.

No point threatening to split up if you don’t mean it and he knows you don’t.
You need to be in a frame of mind, mentally and also practically and financially, where you know what your plans would be if you split. Then you can explain these plans to him so he knows it’s actually a real option.
Then ask him if he wants to split.

If not, tell him he must talk but keep it specific. No wailing and waffling (tempting as this is!!!!! I know!!!!)
Really listen to what he says about Your behaviour, asking for specific examples, and agree on some achievable issues that you will work on.
In return, spell out some achievable goals for him. Don’t just say “talk more” or “be more interested in me”. Say “let’s hug and touch every day” or “let’s have a regular date night where we do something together - meal out, a walk, cinema.” And on these date nights we do not talk about anything difficult, including our problems and issues. Those conversations can happen at other times.

Can he do these things? If so, there is hope.
If not, you can return to step Two: discussing perhaps a short-term trial separation to see if you both either feel better or worse when you are apart, and that can decide your next steps. But keep that thought to yourself for now if you genuinely want Step One to have a chance.

This stage of life (50s/menopause) is very difficult. Your DH may well be bewildered as to why you’re suddenly questioning things that never seemed to bother you before. Also important to accept that relationships do change. It’s ok for the passion to fade and the youthful optimism and confidence to wane. Your DH too may be facing the fact that he’ll never go this or that again and his health/libido/eyesight etc is not what it was. Be aware that this can be the real problem as opposed to the marriage itself. Are you expecting him to fix your sadness when he may be feeling too sad himself to do it?
It may be that you have to pull apart a little so that you can find friends and interests away from him and get some perspective. Could you travel alone or with some friends? This may totally change your mindset. And allow to you approach the marriage from an angle where you feel more power and control.

I think you need to start leading your own separate life - join some classes, see friends, start a hobby. Start building a life away from him with things that are just yours. Don’t bother challenging him anymore, keep things calm - just focus on making yourself happy.
One of two things will happen - either he’ll start to see what he’s missing and see you in a new light. Or he won’t but you’ll have the confidence to leave him and start over.
If he’s not open to counselling and you are t ready to to call it quits just yet then this is the only option I can think of.
Best of luck.

I'm in a similar position.
I have a thread about my dh wanting us to live as friends. Basically he doesn't want a relationship with me but still wants me around. At the moment I have no choice but to stay but am getting my ducks in a row.
We have general chit chat but no serious discussions. To be honest I've given up trying to talk to him as we get nowhere.

We have agreed to go to a counselling session together next week so am waiting to see how that goes!
It's like I'm living half a life. He's not the man I married but he thinks he's being perfectly reasonable 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP, I also posted on this thread earlier because a lot of what you said resonated with what my DW and I had gone through. We did get through it, but it's taken years.

So the following two comments come with a projection health warning but here goes.

1. A couple of weeks strikes me as no time at all to pull things round. It took us years.

1. He says he's not so unhappy that he wants to leave. Goodness knows what that actually means other than him wanting a bit of space, but I'm sure it isn't just about having someone to pick up his skiddy undies (which I hope you're not doing).

You can't make him talk. All you can do is try to create a safe environment and wait... and perhaps wait longer. Whether you're prepared to wait that long, and whether you would have success in the end if for you to decide.

I've not had time to reply since I last posted as work hectic and been busy on days off!!
Well I didn't say anything to him and kind of left things ticking over.

Just to say btw I'm not scared of him. He doesnt expect me to be his scivvy as such. I do a lot at home , through choice.i like doing it. But he would absolutely cook for himself ( he does regularly). Clean etc too( not to my standard ha ha).

I just think he finds deep and meaningful conversations difficult.
He just likes a simple life.
Think hes always been happy with me and accepts my faults as long as I'm not going on and giving him too much grief.
I'm very highly strung compared to him and have been brought up very different and expressing myself.

Anyway, that's by the by. Last Saturday evening he had a few beers and he bit my head of out of the blue about something trivial. Ruined my evening. I went to bed (upset ) as I had work the next day. But before I went , I said I'm not living this fucking half life. No sex , no affection for couple of months now.
If I'm so bad, move out. I'm not living as companions and making your life easy. I'm still young!!
Plus I dont want DC saying when they are older they knew.

When I came home from work Sunday afternoon all dc were out doing various things and at friends house(unusual).
He seemed I'm a jolly mood.
Them he said "shall we just forget all this silliness, and start again?"
Caught me a bit unawares tbh.

I wasnt prepared to ruin my afternoon to suit him. So I said " well I've been asking for a discussion for weeks and you werent prepared to talk "

And I left it at that.

Since then, just normal chit chat. So no further forward.

He doesn't think you're serious about ending it, and so far you're giving him no reason to.

The picking up twigs is absolutely spot on.
I've said repeatedly over the years that you have to nourish a relationship for it to work, after such a long time.

I would gently remind posters that we are only getting one side of the story here - tbh it sounds like he loves you, but he just can't take the way you both interact anymore. Are you controlling? Do you go on at him?
The phrase 'highly strung' always rings bloody big alarm bells to me I'm afraid. In my head I equate it with someone who is volatile, vocal about it and expects people to accept it because it is just who they are.

This ^ absolutely
Although I'm quite outgoing and sociable
I actually do very little outside of the family
Have a sibling I socialise with but shes a bit unreliable
As are friends really. I dont have anyone I I'd just go out with at the drop of a hat.
I'm still young and love having fun.
I absolutely love doing stuff as a family
But I've realised that actually all the family stuff relies on him being involved.
Doesnt help that (a bit of a strange thing for me)I have bad driving anxiety.
Maybe I should have a night or 2 away on my own. But I'd hate to leave younger Dc🙁
However, I'm conscious that when they grow up, at this rate I will be a little lonely old woman!!!

I agree to all that you have said and all of the above seems good advice.
However, after his out burst last week I'm not the frame of mind to do anything right now .
Equally though, I'm conscious of all the wasted time!
I still feel young and attractive but the no sex/ affection /love is grating on me
I could probably have a life as friends but i don't want that. I'm totally not living that life ( w ell I am at the min, that's exactly what I'm doing tbh).

I agree!!!
I do go on. I admit that. I Accept that I am controlling in some ways.
I'm my defence though, I'd say that's mostly to benefit everyone. Days out/holidays all organised by me.
He would do nothing if it was left to him . Nothing.
Things in the house he has no interest or pride. I will say for example, we need the bedroom decorating. He will disagree and say he will do it. Now he hates DIY and never finishes a job or does it adequately.

So then I will say no I want a professional etc . He gets arsey says I'm controlling and his house too and if he wants to do it it's up to him!!
Im not controlling what he does outside of the family. He can do what he like when he likes. Sadly he does nothing.

I can tell that you feel you're trying to resolve this but you're really just going round in the same circles. When someone mentioned counselling, your response was about how you wanted your DH to hear you. Not about listening to him.

I think you should build a life that fulfils you that isn't based around him. It's not healthy to rely on one person for everything. You need hobbies and friends, acquaintances, etc. You should also book relationship counselling for you, on your own. It will help you work out what you want and possibly give you some strategies and techniques for moving forward.

I don't know if your relationship can be saved or not. I know I've had difficult patches in my relationship and we came out the other side. I did what I'm advising you to do - I focused on nurturing my own interests and friendships. I organised events, outings for myself and the DC. I went to counselling. Then I told DH I was thinking of leaving unless he could bring himself to the family and the relationship. He then attended counselling separately, changed his working hours so he could participate in family life more, moved to a new work role so he had less stress there, etc. It took work. On everyone's part. Only you can decide if it's worth that work for you. You may know that it isn't, and that's ok.

@DaisyQuakeJohnson
I agree.
I suggested counselling. He said categorically no chance.
I would do it alone and I think I need to look into it. I've had CBT previously for a specific anxiety issue
I absolutely 100% need to look at building a life for myself and this is something I've being thinking for ages. Plus another reason I need to sort my driving anxiety out.

From the outside I have a very busy life 4 DC, 2 dogs. Always out and about. Busy, professional job. I like getting hair/ nails beauty stuff done. Dressed up for not much really!!

But actually I dont actually do much.
Nights out (although I love them) are rare.
I get invited to things like hen weekends , sometimes abroad, but that's not my thing. Actual nights to pub/theatre with other adults not v. Often.
Never go out with DH. Last time was years ago, always promises but doesnt actually act on it.
I focus all my time on family days out, weekends away, holidays and these are my very favourite things to do. But like I said previously this involves DH and relying on him too.

So you told him to go.

He said let's forget this.

Does that means a full normal relationship with sex?

Or did he mean let's forget the suggestion that he move out And move on.

I think you'll have to ask him. And based on his response. Decide the next move.

The suggestion here that you are controlling is funny in light of the fact that you are walking on tip toes to avoid being shouted at and darent instigate a conversation!!! There is 1 bully here!

@GabriellaMontez
He meant forget things a d get back to normal.
I suppose I could have accepted his olive branch, gave him a hug and really really moved on and properly tried.
He caught me unawares though and after his nastiness the previous night I wasnt prepared to just forget it as usual.
Plus I'd just got back from work. I wanted to chill with a glass of wine before dinner.
I wasnt about to forget it to suit him that particular time.
The sex thing I'm beginning to get annoyed about.
Both the fact that we are into the months now, not weeks, without sex( never happened before, ever ) and the fact he isnt bothered either.

I agree with this sadly.

OP has said over the years, she’s not been “a very nice woman” and now the dh has had enough. Sounds like he’s starting from a defensive position to avoid repeating getting hurt in the past.

However, they got here, OP can’t live like this and her dH doesn’t mind. Have they reached an impasse?

I think you need to separate for however long it takes. My friend did this and they are very happy now, but that's because they were in a v bad place and genuinely used a separation to try to rescue things. I think you both could benefit from time apart to honestly evaluate what life would be like without each other. Maybe you just came to the end. Or you really love eachother and need that time apart to feel ready to honestly talk things through. Seeing eachother every day, right now, feels like it's making things worse with each passing day.