To think my DH doesnt love me anymore?

[Itsnotonlyrainbows]

This probably should be in relationships, but I've posted here for traffic.
Long time poster(10 years plus) name change.
Been with DH 25 years. 4 DC. 2 older. 2 school age.
He has always been very different to me. Quieter. Can be grumpy.
However, I always felt loved.

He has always been very patient with me. I'm quite fiery and have been and can be a bit mean during a row.
I always say sorry and he always kind of not taken much notice!
We have always been affectionate. Had a good sex life. Similar family values.
He an be anti social in a obvious way if hes not in the mood and totally kill the mood. Something that's caused arguments over the years but I've also kind of accepted. When ( and only when ) hes in the mood he will be great company in a social setting.

Anyway, past couple years I feel hes becoming increasingly irritated by me. Something he strenuously denies.
He virtually never says sorry after a row( or a bicker as it mostly is) and its almost like I'm not worthy of one.
For example, he an be quite snappy and I feel quite hurt. The next day he will speak to me as normal. If i mention it, he says I'm touchy and too sensitive.
I can get this, but he didnt used to be this way.
I find myself saying less and less and keeping to myself. He seems happy with this as long as I dont rock the boat by saying things arent right.
He gets cross at this and says hes fine and it's me moaning or reading stuff into situations that arent there.

As a result, I'm rarely affectionate now. He kisses me hello and goodnight and I hardly react.
We now havent had sex for 2 months. He hasnt mentioned it .
We normally would at least have sex once a week minimum.
I've tried to say please can we talk and he raises his voice and says " oh not this again, I'm fine. Its you moaning ".
I have to end the conversation there and then as DC are always there. I even suggested going for a walk on our own to talk. He said "I'm not a teenager ".
So I just have to put up and shut up it seems.

I have had a good think and I accept maybe he just doesnt want to accept any shit from me. And he must be fed up with no sex. He must be.
I decided I would try and make more effort. I'm the past he has probably pretty much been the more affectionate one and instigated sex too.
We have just been on a family holiday and first couple of days all was great.
When we went out for dinner I held his hand. He made a joke. All seemed fine. He never made any such gesture to me. And he would in the past he would have said oh this is nice, let's try harder, let's make an effort.

One day he bit my head off in front of DC.
I had to basically just let it go, but I felt crushed.
Next day back to normal. He even offered to buy me a very expensive item I saw in a shop. It's all very odd.

Its like a vicious circle. I withdraw so as not piss him off so to speak. Hes annoyed that I'm not making an effort and then he he off with me. Which then makes me look at him and fucking hate him.
I also get the ick at times. The way he eats. Farts all of the time. Etc.
I could overlook this but lack of affection and intimacy is compounding it.
I want things to be the way they used to be.
I also want to say fuck you. I'm not living like this.
What the hell can I do?
I'm also very peri menopausal . Just started HRT. Have awful anxiety and low mood( which I can cover). The anxiety is also due to this situation as well as hormonal.

I wonder if he either just got a bit fed up of your mean side, or encountered (not "met" as such) someone else who was nicer to him (possibly just in passing, I'm not saying necessarily he fell in love or had an affair), and he just thought, "bugger this".
And is now planning to go once the 2 youngest have left school, and is just waiting it out now...

Whether this is the case or not, well obvs I can't tell from here! But, question: if you found something - a diary, a message to a friend - that confirmed he didn't love you any more and was just waiting for the right moment to split - what would you do?
Specifically, and hardheadedly, would he get a better divorce settlement if you split in a few years rather than now...?

Yes I agree to this totally. 100%

Yes@OrientalDaisy
He must feel like crap with no intimacy too.
Really it's the bond that holds you together.

I absolutely think I he does think bigger this.
As a younger man , he may have been more tolerant. He was definitely more easy going that's for sure.
If I found evidence he was playing Nigeria an exit I'd be raging and I'd make it easy for him.
I doubt that though
I think he would stay forever even like this. As long as I dont nag him too much.
As for money, hes not financially motivated at all.

Bugger this, not bigger*

Playing Nigeria?😀WTF
Planning an exit*

Perhaps write it all down? He can't then walk off or interrupt you. Also you can make sure you say all you want, in the way you want

Hi anyone who is around!!
I've reopened My thread, as opposed to starting a new one so I dont have to tell the whole story again.
Also hopefully anyone who remembers can comment. Apologies to everyone else!
Well, I tried the approach where i was nice. I was just normal - jolly. Which is how i am.
Mixed response. Still just kind of friendly ish terms. Peck goodnight. General chit chat.
No sex but cuddles in bed.
However,no progress really, but I think he was happy as long as I wasn't moaning or rocking the boat.

Last week he was snappy(I cant remember what over). We had a row. It came to a head again.
I said I'm unhappy. Can we please find a day to go a have a talk alone. DC were in the house- upstairs playing on playstation or in bed at this point .
He was like talk about what? I'm fine,its you. Stop moaning.
Suggested counselling. Said no chance.

I was like not even to save our long relationship?!

He admitted that hes had enough of me and I've worn him down over the years. Said I'm controlling. His tolerance now is zero.
I accept that and feel so fucking sad and guilty.
However,hes not so sad he wants to split. Seems he is happy enough to stay and have a relationship so long as I dont go on or give him grief.

That makes me mad. I accept my faults but he doesnt seem to accept his or want to acknowledge them.
I think if I fussed and pandered he may be okay but I cant do that when hes laying the lot on me.

Anyway he was shouting and dc were in the house and as he refuses to talk in a neutral environment, so I had to drop it. No solution again.

Since them, back to square one. Basic chit chat. Him a bit snipey, me dampening my personality and what I want to say so as not to cause a big kick off.
What the fuck do I do?

(However,hes not so sad he wants to split. Seems he is happy enough to stay and have a relationship so long as I dont go on or give him grief.*

In that way he isn't that different from women who stay in relationships for the children. Maybe that's his reason.

You seem to want to work on the relationship and he's being a child and quite clearly does not , he's wearing you down and you deserve to be happy tell him you can either work on your relationship together or divorce you don't deserve to be belittled over your feelings when your trying to make a change for the better within your marriage , he's behaving like a toddler stomping their feet because they arnt getting their way. I hope you are staying strong do not let him dampen your happy nature.

I suggest you point at that he doesnt get the final say on whether you split. That either of you can leave for any reason you choose and that as he wont engage in fixing things, he has left you with no other option than to leave him.

Then do it.

No I agree
Its probably the same.
He did say last week he would move out & go to his parents . He has said stuff like this in the past after a big row. I doubt he would really actually tell his mum and dad. HE would be too scared.

Tonight though, for the first time like ever, I've thought maybe I should say well why don't you.
I'm thinking I cannot live like this.
I don't want to split.
I want things to be normal. But they arent. None of us seems to take any responsibility.

We have a family holiday booked July and another one with a deposit paid for August.
What do I do? Cancel, go?
I'm half thinking now, maybe sit down and tell the DC we arent getting on and maybe have a break apart from each other.

Surely better than them admitting when they are older that they knew and were miserable?

Thanks and also to @queenie2016
I cannot fathom why he wont just agree to properly sit down privately in an empty house without dc and distractions and talk.
After so many years together, would he really rather end it than have counselling?really??

I think that it would be better for them if for no other reason than, do you want them to grow up thinking that this is what a normal adult relationship is like? Do you want them living this life too in their own time?

You could take the kid on one holiday each, maybe with a friend, so the other gets a week at home.

Hes probably more committed to the relationship but it needs actual action!
I've probably done more damage but willing to sort it!
I think if I was quiet , more affectionate, but never mentioned this again he would be delighted! And he would just move on

I need to talk it over but its fucking impossible.

@PyongyangKipperbang
No I don't want them to think its normal.
We have so much coming up as a family though!!
If he respected me and said he was happy to meet and discuss we could move on..
But his solution is stop complaining and we will be fine.

I think a lot of men would rather end things than talk about them. I don’t think that’s unusual.

He’s actually the one being controlling right now. He won’t discuss anything but won’t split either. He wants the small comforts of marriage without the actual relationship bit.

But it’s not up to him. If that doesn’t work for you then you don’t have to accept it.

At this point the only thing that would put a sufficient rocket up his arse to discuss things is if you called his bluff and say you want out. However it could go either way, he may just agree to split.

I'm looking back to that post. That's the key.
I need to pick my time and then say that.
I dont want to. But nothing is changing.

Of course it is, because his biggest issue is that he wants to live as he likes and you to be happy with that. The fact that you want more than this half life means that he will actually have to put some effort in and he cant be arsed.

I am sorry but I really think that the only person he cares about is him. I dont think he is staying because of you or the kids but because you splitting up would mean he has to put some work in by moving house, doing his own housework, cooking his own meals, parenting his own kids.......

Its exactly why my ex didnt want us to split up, refused to do counselling and said that I was the problem as he was happy. He did the same with his partner (as I mentioned above) who left him for the same reason I did, much to his bafflement. We are both happy, he is not.

@IrisVersicolor
Yes!
See my last post 🤔

And there will always be something "as a family".

After the holidays it will be back to school, then Christmas, then someones birthday, then Mothers day, then Easter hols, then another birthday, then SATs week and then.....its next year and you have a holiday booked. I spent many years going round and round on that carousel, I urge you not to

How can you be happy knowing the other person isnt?!!!
Honestly, i fully accept I'm a funny cow, but if he genuinely said this certain thing you do is making me sad, try and stop, or please let's go for a quiet walk and try and make amends, I'd snap his hand off.

@PyongyangKipperbang
V . True😪

Well I'm like baffled.
Since the argument last week, nothing has changed.

Speaking to me about every day stuff, but not addressing us. Dont think its intentional, just he doesnt see an issue.
I honestly think he believes things will just go back to normal. Not sure when and how. Havent had sex for weeks.
Does he honestly think that I'm going to just snap out of it?

Hes just messaged me from work with general chit chat. I haven't answered as I honestly do not know what to say!! I could answer normally, but what I want to say is cut the drivel. Why dont you move out like you have threatened?

Does he think it's ok to have some kind if half relationship?
Trouble is I dont want it to escalate it in to another argument, which it will.

He'd probably reason that there's nothing to talk about now - he's told you in so many words that the love's gone but he's content to carry on for conveninence and/or stability. And I'm sure he means it.

If that's not enough for you then I'd plan accordingly. Maybe go on the July holiday if the kids are excited and you can bear it.