Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH doesnt love me anymore?

136 replies

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:55

This probably should be in relationships, but I've posted here for traffic.
Long time poster(10 years plus) name change.
Been with DH 25 years. 4 DC. 2 older. 2 school age.
He has always been very different to me. Quieter. Can be grumpy.
However, I always felt loved.

He has always been very patient with me. I'm quite fiery and have been and can be a bit mean during a row.
I always say sorry and he always kind of not taken much notice!
We have always been affectionate. Had a good sex life. Similar family values.
He an be anti social in a obvious way if hes not in the mood and totally kill the mood. Something that's caused arguments over the years but I've also kind of accepted. When ( and only when ) hes in the mood he will be great company in a social setting.

Anyway, past couple years I feel hes becoming increasingly irritated by me. Something he strenuously denies.
He virtually never says sorry after a row( or a bicker as it mostly is) and its almost like I'm not worthy of one.
For example, he an be quite snappy and I feel quite hurt. The next day he will speak to me as normal. If i mention it, he says I'm touchy and too sensitive.
I can get this, but he didnt used to be this way.
I find myself saying less and less and keeping to myself. He seems happy with this as long as I dont rock the boat by saying things arent right.
He gets cross at this and says hes fine and it's me moaning or reading stuff into situations that arent there.

As a result, I'm rarely affectionate now. He kisses me hello and goodnight and I hardly react.
We now havent had sex for 2 months. He hasnt mentioned it .
We normally would at least have sex once a week minimum.
I've tried to say please can we talk and he raises his voice and says " oh not this again, I'm fine. Its you moaning ".
I have to end the conversation there and then as DC are always there. I even suggested going for a walk on our own to talk. He said "I'm not a teenager ".
So I just have to put up and shut up it seems.

I have had a good think and I accept maybe he just doesnt want to accept any shit from me. And he must be fed up with no sex. He must be.
I decided I would try and make more effort. I'm the past he has probably pretty much been the more affectionate one and instigated sex too.
We have just been on a family holiday and first couple of days all was great.
When we went out for dinner I held his hand. He made a joke. All seemed fine. He never made any such gesture to me. And he would in the past he would have said oh this is nice, let's try harder, let's make an effort.

One day he bit my head off in front of DC.
I had to basically just let it go, but I felt crushed.
Next day back to normal. He even offered to buy me a very expensive item I saw in a shop. It's all very odd.

Its like a vicious circle. I withdraw so as not piss him off so to speak. Hes annoyed that I'm not making an effort and then he he off with me. Which then makes me look at him and fucking hate him.
I also get the ick at times. The way he eats. Farts all of the time. Etc.
I could overlook this but lack of affection and intimacy is compounding it.
I want things to be the way they used to be.
I also want to say fuck you. I'm not living like this.
What the hell can I do?
I'm also very peri menopausal . Just started HRT. Have awful anxiety and low mood( which I can cover). The anxiety is also due to this situation as well as hormonal.

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 25/04/2022 22:07

Carrotten · 25/04/2022 22:05

To be honest I would say actually it's you who doesn't seem to love him. You say you don't want to kiss him, you don't want sex with him, you've said he's not a very nice person, you get the ick etc.

You put all of the blame on him, but I would say neither of you seem very into the relationship. You are playing the hurt card a lot, but equally say you can be mean and expect him not to be hurt.

To be honest I think it sounds like the relationship is pretty dead. You sound like you want a loving relationship, but not really with him

You could be right.

Carrotten · 25/04/2022 22:09

He probably is upset though OP, just because he doesn't cry doesn't mean he hasn't been upset with you in the past.

There's a lot of 'he's like this and now I'm crying', he's upset me and it comes across as a little emotionally manipulative. He's never upset but I'm crying etc

It's hard because I suspect he has a lot to say too, and really you need to sit down and have many honest conversations and work on the relationship together. Both admit there have been faults, but if he's not willing to engage then there's not much that can be done

Greensleeves · 25/04/2022 22:09

Thereisnolight · 25/04/2022 22:06

She’s tried to talk to him and he denies there’s an issue. That’s the point!

Show quote history

Yes, thank you Hmm I have read the thread.

I thnk her previous attempts to talk to him have been too tentative and she's allowed him to bat her away too easily, retreating elsewhere to get upset and not pushing the point. My approach (and I did acknowledge that it's not for everyone!) would be to force the issue. Go and sit with him and ask him bluntly whether he still wants to be in the marriage, and make it clear that a flippant or dismissive response isn't going to be enough this time.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:22

KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 21:50

I’m thinking of asking my DH to try it, as I think it would give me the confidence to bring things up in front of him. There’s so many things I want to say, but can’t.

Show quote history

This would absolutely be helpful to me. There is so much I'd like to say too. Everytime I even gently try to approach the subject, I either get an eye roll or he raises his voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:29

Greensleeves · 25/04/2022 22:09

Yes, thank you Hmm I have read the thread.

I thnk her previous attempts to talk to him have been too tentative and she's allowed him to bat her away too easily, retreating elsewhere to get upset and not pushing the point. My approach (and I did acknowledge that it's not for everyone!) would be to force the issue. Go and sit with him and ask him bluntly whether he still wants to be in the marriage, and make it clear that a flippant or dismissive response isn't going to be enough this time.

Show quote history

I have tried to talk and it's so difficult. DC are always here and when they are not one of is is at work.
Over the years I have always tried to talk. He either walks out of the room and says "not now" or gets cross very quickly

I try an d talk quiet when the children are in bed , but no, he starts getting angry. The older kids(one is a young adult)arent stupid.
He cant be that bothered about us as he would take up my offer of a walk so we could talk.
If he said he needed to talk to me as the relationship was failing I'd do anything!!

OP posts:
redastherose · 25/04/2022 22:39

I think if it's the end of your relationship you may as well find out now rather than dragging it out. Tell him you've had enough of his snapping at you, he either comes with you to marriage counselling or you may as well separate. It will either make him understand just how close to losing everything he is or he won't care and if tat the case you may as well move on now while you are young enough to start shay. Imagine being retired with that grumpy old man!

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:40

@Carrotten
No he wont engage
His approach over the years is just to forget everything that happens and move on.
I appreciate that sometimes works, but sometimes you need to talk.
I'm this instance things are just are not right

Hes gone to bed now. My only option is to message him tomorrow at work and ask him if he wants to split .
He wont talk verbally. No chance.

I appreciate the advice about just trying to be nice and give kisses and all that .
That's great in theory, but very hard when he then speaks to me like a child in front of my own children
I feel like actually saying fuck off .

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:41

@Carrotten
No he wont engage
His approach over the years is just to forget everything that happens and move on.
I appreciate that sometimes works, but sometimes you need to talk.
I'm this instance things are just are not right

Hes gone to bed now. My only option is to message him tomorrow at work and ask him if he wants to split .
He wont talk verbally. No chance.

I appreciate the advice about just trying to be nice and give kisses and all that .
That's great in theory, but very hard when he then speaks to me like a child in front of my own children
I feel like actually saying fuck off .

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:44

redastherose · 25/04/2022 22:39

I think if it's the end of your relationship you may as well find out now rather than dragging it out. Tell him you've had enough of his snapping at you, he either comes with you to marriage counselling or you may as well separate. It will either make him understand just how close to losing everything he is or he won't care and if tat the case you may as well move on now while you are young enough to start shay. Imagine being retired with that grumpy old man!

Absolutely! My life would be miserable!!
I'm going to ask him outright tomorrow.
In the past, hes either said I'm 'going on
Or he will say I will leave then (but doesnt).

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2022 22:45

Sounds like my ex, although he was a lot younger.

When I left he was bereft and tried to say that he had no idea I felt that bad about things. It took about another year before he admitted that I had tried to talk many time and he had brushed me off. I too got the "I am happy, its you thats got the problem". He never really got over it to be honest and even more sadly, he didnt learn a single thing from it and treated his next long term partner the same way and was similarly bewildered when she left him for the same reasons. She told me that she never understood why I had left him when they first got together as the person I described was a world away from the loving attentive man she was with, but then over the 8 years they were together she started to see why. Its a shame as I know she still loves him but he doesnt deserve her and thank goodness she did the right thing by leaving him.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:49

@PyongyangKipperbang
You know what, I often wonder what would happen if I actually packed my bags and left. Would he them sit up and take note maybe.

OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 25/04/2022 22:50

I've literally shuddered reading that

Being unable to say 'sorry'

My vile ex of 13 years could never say sorry even to our daughter if he stepped on her toe etc age 3 it would be her fault.

It made me very Ill

He could never laugh at himself either

Glad dd doesn't take after him in that respect although if she spends more than a couple of days there she sometimes shows traits.

I honestly shuddered

marthasGinyard · 25/04/2022 22:52

'I withdraw so as not piss him off so to speak'

Speaks VOLUMES Flowers

Buttercupsx · 25/04/2022 22:53

Try writing him a letter

marthasGinyard · 25/04/2022 22:55

I wouldn't waste the trees

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2022 22:57

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 22:49

@PyongyangKipperbang
You know what, I often wonder what would happen if I actually packed my bags and left. Would he them sit up and take note maybe.

To be honest it probably would but not for the reasons you want. If you packed up and walked out then he would want you back as the washing fairy, the cleaning fairy, the "picking up skiddy pants" fairy, the shopping and cooking fairies etc etc will all have moved out with you.

If he does the old "FINE!!! I will leave then" say "Ok, thats good, its better for us all I think" and then give it a couple of days and ask for a timeline on when he is leaving, dont let it go. He will try to back track but seriously, dont back down. He will throw it back on you for ending the marriage but thats when you ask why the hell he still wants to live with and be married to someone he actively dislikes and doesnt want to be in a relationship with. They fucking hate that 😉

Fireflygal · 25/04/2022 22:58

It sounds as if he has checked out. The eye roll is a sign of contempt.

Has anything changed in recent times, such as job or life event. Does he socialise, spend time on his phone?

I know your instinct is to ask him however consider the likely outcomes and be prepared. What if he stonewalls you, refuses to engage? What if agrees you should separate? Think through scenarios and likely responses. Just be prepared and this might mean considering the finances in the event of a separation.

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 23:00

marthasGinyard · 25/04/2022 22:55

I wouldn't waste the trees

I actually laughed at that 😀

OP posts:
Buttercupsx · 25/04/2022 23:00

Verbal communication has broken down. 25 years of marriage should not be dismissed if there is an alternative method available that could bring bring about harmony

Original poster
Itsnotonlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 23:02

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2022 22:57

To be honest it probably would but not for the reasons you want. If you packed up and walked out then he would want you back as the washing fairy, the cleaning fairy, the "picking up skiddy pants" fairy, the shopping and cooking fairies etc etc will all have moved out with you.

If he does the old "FINE!!! I will leave then" say "Ok, thats good, its better for us all I think" and then give it a couple of days and ask for a timeline on when he is leaving, dont let it go. He will try to back track but seriously, dont back down. He will throw it back on you for ending the marriage but thats when you ask why the hell he still wants to live with and be married to someone he actively dislikes and doesnt want to be in a relationship with. They fucking hate that 😉

Show quote history

You know what
Thats very true. Why does he still want to live with me.

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 25/04/2022 23:08

Been in a similar situation and counselling really helped us.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2022 23:08

Because you make his life easy. Cheaper, you probably do most of the chores and childcare and he can sit growing his arse in front of BGT.

What is puzzling me is why you are reluctant to get rid of what sounds like a really unattractive (in all respects) man. He causes and exacerbates your low self worth and stress, he is actively unkind and very very selfish. You are worth so much more my love xx

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 25/04/2022 23:08

There is a book - men are from Mars women are from Venus that mat help if you have time to read it it could help you write a letter . I don't think verbal or text message is going to help with this man I think it needs to ve a letter but a letter not attacking him or his actions. In the meantime give yourself a few days to focus on you ! Don't be rude or dismissive or anything but take yourself to wine bar while he watches telly, go out for walks give him and you the headspace then write a letter from the heart.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2022 23:10

And in a few months time from leaving him, the only question you will be asking yourself is "Why did I stay for so long?" Take it from one who has been there.....

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2022 23:13

Rainbowshit · 25/04/2022 23:08

Been in a similar situation and counselling really helped us.

I think it would have helped in my first marriage but in order for it to help, both parties have to be fully committed to the process. My ex absolutely refused on the basis that he wasnt the problem as he was fine, I could go on my own if I wanted to. So I did and then I left him. Sounds like the OP's DH is of the same attitude. She can't save the marriage alone.

Same with the letter writing, do we really think that a man who is so completely dismissive of anything she does or say will actually read and take in anything she says in a letter? Sometimes you have to take them at their word and let them lose what they dont value until its gone. The OP is worth so much more than begging for attention from a selfish shit who clearly doesnt care one jot about her.