Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2022 14:24

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:05

No, they've never done playdates or anything. No school friends mums who can help (it's a weird area, people don't speak in the queue!)

Childminder/baby sitter are too expensive unfortunately (and honestly, I haven't even found one I'd trust who has availability)

The answer would be her ex-partner taking responsibility for his kids but he's a huge twat and only wants them on his terms.

So how much does your sister give you to collect them from school and look after them?

i can’t see why childminders would be horribly expensive
It is a one off event and your sister is in work so what else does she expect to do with her children if you weren’t there
Everyone else does this so what makes your sister so special

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:26

Op I have just had a glance at your previous threads

you have spent a lot of time and energy on starting long threads about whether you are unreasonable re this, that or the other when it comes to your family.

you are told that they treat you unfairly

yet you continue to ignore and just lie down and take it. Your only joy seems to be gained from starting threads on mumsnet about it!!

you need to make a change.

Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2022 14:26

Have you posted about this sister before?

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:27

Op I have just had a glance at your previous threads

you have spent a lot of time and energy on starting long threads about whether you are unreasonable re this, that or the other when it comes to your family.

you are told that they treat you unfairly

yet you continue to ignore and just lie down and take it. Your only joy seems to be gained from starting threads on mumsnet about it!!

you need to make a change.

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 14:29

Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2022 14:26

Have you posted about this sister before?

Numerous times

Crimeismymiddlename · 25/04/2022 14:32

I feel for you, your sister and her ex have made their children your problem.
It absolutely should not have been put on you to find a solution to this. This is your special day and they have tarnished it. What your sister should have said is ‘no problem, I will sort it out’ soon she might not have you to rely on for this massive, on going favour because you not feel it now but down the line you are going to stop helping her, ether because your circumstances have changed or because you just stop wanting to.

Totheweekend · 25/04/2022 14:35

This is not your problem to resolve. Enjoy the ceremony!!

Figgygal · 25/04/2022 14:38

Good for telling them to sort it
This is so not your problem

SexyPortugese · 25/04/2022 14:40

That's great you've messaged and put your foot down.

You can turn your phone off now and free yourself of the stress of waiting for a reply. Because regardless of what they reply, whatever they say, nothing puts the responsibility back on YOU of caring for these children. It doesn't matter how well they take it. You've done your job and given them the courtesy of notice that you're not able to have them on that day and that's the end of your involvement.

I mean this kindly, but it comes across like you've stepped into the parent role. Was that your decision?

MzHz · 25/04/2022 14:40

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:35

Because if I don't do it, no one else will. And I'm not willing to let the kids feel like they've been abandoned at at school.

Show quote history

You’re not the one abandoning them, their parents are

youre literally worrying over something that you aren’t responsible for

the reason why it always falls to you is because they’re lazy and leave you to pick up the pieces of their lives

what happens when you’re working now that you’ve graduated? Why on earth is she taking on a job that means she can’t pick her own kids up

she CAN sort this but it’s easier to let you sacrifice yourself yet again for her.

Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2022 14:41

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:15

Because quite frankly, if I don't try to sort something, I might as well just not bother going cause neither my sister or her ex are terribly bothered about sorting something! Sis has her hands full with the new job and her ex hates me because he blames me for them splitting up.

Show quote history

Then if they aren’t bothered organising to pick up their children from school then they might as well get SS in to take them.

Stop making other peoples problems your own.
You are just infantilising your sister by doing everything for her. Why won’t you let her stand on her own 2 feet. These are her children and her problem not yours.

i suspect the auntie who doesn’t want to get involved probably would have helped but knows what your sister is like and doesn’t want to go down the route of being expected to give free child care and other help because your sister isn’t capable or doesn’t want the responsibility of looking after her own children

Tell your sister to grow up and please let her grow up and stop stepping in to help out because you are not helping anyone in the long term

Motherdare · 25/04/2022 14:44

Not your problem. Stop being such a martyr. There are dozens of ways around this. You just don’t seem to want a solution.

Imtootired · 25/04/2022 14:46

Post on local Facebook page asking for recommendations for babysitters in the area. Maybe if you, your sister and parents all chipped in you could pay for a one off. If there is a school Facebook or WhatsApp group maybe you could ask someone to help you out. Do you have any casual friends you could ask and just offer a small amount of money out of politeness

Bootothegoose · 25/04/2022 14:54

I put YABU because this is YOUR DAY. It is not your responsibility to sort childcare for your sister's kids on your fucking GRADUATION.

She needs to call in a favour with a friend or sort something else. It's a shitter for her but it's also hand in hand with parenting. You deserve to enjoy your graduation. You sound like you do an incredible amount for your sister - she needs to be more reasonable because she's not arsed at all about it. She knows you'll fix it. DON'T!

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2022 14:54

Are you friendly with one of their teachers? Is there any way one of them might be willing to help out, privately, not in their 'school capacity' or on the school grounds, given that it's a one off, they might know that your sister is in a difficult position etc. If one of them is younger and/or haven't got any family on their own, might they be willing to take them to the cinema/to a café/playground/anything for an hour or two if you pay them for it?

Please don't ask your DN's teachers to do this. It's really not appropriate and would just put them in an awkward position.

Rosehugger · 25/04/2022 14:56

Can't you all club together for the £30 or so it will cost to have her kids looked after for a couple of hours? And as others have said, it's not your problem.

nearlyspringyay · 25/04/2022 14:57

This is so not your problem. hat is she going to do when you get a job that means you can't do it. Is there no ASC provision at school?

I'd be withdrawing from this altogether if she can't support one day. What would happen if you were sick?

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/04/2022 14:59

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 25/04/2022 13:26

@QuestionableMouse I think every possible solution has been suggested tbh.

I'm really confused as to why your sister doesn't seem to give a shit about what happens to her dc or why any of this is truly your issue to sort. I do think you need to toughen up with her as do your parents.

Please don't try and take the dc to your ceremony. They aren't even your dc!

The chances of being able to get 4 guest tickets for a graduation are probably nil.

StrangeCondition · 25/04/2022 15:01

What's the plan when you get a job OP? And I hope you TOLD them that you won't be picking up the kids or sorting childcare

Bootothegoose · 25/04/2022 15:02

StrangeCondition · 25/04/2022 15:01

What's the plan when you get a job OP? And I hope you TOLD them that you won't be picking up the kids or sorting childcare

I imagine they will expect childcare to fall exclusively to OP's Mum and Dad.

Parents like this ENRAGE me. They will also respond to OP and try to twist it to make her the bad guy for asking them to you know... parent.

Brefugee · 25/04/2022 15:08

Stop doing all this extra work for absolutely fuck all in return from your sister. It is up to her to get childcare for her chidlren. If she has to rely on your goodwill, then frankly she shouldn't have taken the job, should she?

go to your graduation, take your parents. Your sister will have to step up and be a grown-up.

Ellie56 · 25/04/2022 15:13

I've been to two graduation ceremonies. They were both very long and boring to be honest. It was strictly two tickets for each student and I can't remember seeing any children at all.

Lweji · 25/04/2022 15:13

FGS, they´re your sister´s children.
It is her problem. Is she going to leave them there?
Just tell her you can´t do it. That is all.
She can pay someone, find a friend or convince her parents or other relatives to pick them up.

ilikemethewayiam · 25/04/2022 15:14

OP, when I graduated, my Uni had a marquee set up outside with a live feed for all those extra people to attend. Could you find out if the Uni does this? I had more people than tickets so they came and watched on the outside screens. Maybe one of your parents could watch this way with the children if it’s available. Maybe there’s something on their website.

LorW · 25/04/2022 15:21

most probably you won’t be able to take them, most unis wouldn’t allow it, so one of the your parents are going to have to stay with the kids, simple as that really. That’s your only option if you can’t afford a childminder and since you won’t make it your sisters problem to sort, then one of your parents will sadly miss out.