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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Pinkfluff76 · 26/04/2022 22:21

Find a baby sitter or child minder you do trust and your sister pays. You say it’s too expensive, but that’s not your problem.

flannelbritches · 26/04/2022 22:21

some suggestions:

  1. Can they stay later at school? For example, is there a wrap around care you could use as a one off?

  2. do you know what time your presentation will be? Perhaps you can ask to go first so that you can leave in time to pick the kids up from school.

  3. is there a crèche near your university that you could utilise?

  4. have you spoken to your uni? Perhaps they can arrange that you are reserved seats at the back so that, if the kids are disruptive, then this is minimised.

  5. do you have a good friend who could help? It’s only for a few hours and would be a one off. Bribe with the promise of cake.

wishing you the best of luck & congrats on your graduation

munner · 26/04/2022 22:24

You need to attend your graduation otherwise you will regret it in the future. The same goes for your parents. Your sister needs to sort the child care arrangements out. They are her kids.

Maymaymay · 26/04/2022 22:25

'school has been unhelpful' has touched a nerve, schools aren't childcare services. This is the child's mum and dad's responsibility as after-school care has nothing to do with school staff.

Trudij123 · 26/04/2022 22:26

I do wish people would read at least the first post properly…

they aren’t your problem @QuestionableMouse and it’s about time your family stopped making it so. Your sister’s work quite feasibly aren’t allowed to threaten her with not being employed if she finishes early that day, training or not - I thought the whole point of the work laws was to protect from that kind of thing? Maybe she could arrange her lunchbreak to go and get them when they finish? as others have said, it makes you wonder what her plans are for when you’re working and she gets the call to get one because they are poorly…

you do need to put your foot down ( as you say you have!) and stick with it. I do know it’s easy to say and less easy when you live it though. Good luck!!

FlamingoQueen · 26/04/2022 22:38

Do you not have any friends that could help out?

BananaBMumma · 26/04/2022 22:44

To be honest it sounds like you don’t want to go, and that you are looking for excuses to not go.
This is not your problem if it is not your job. i can’t see how you could take the 6 year old, as it would be an absence from school, surely?
Your sister needs to ask her work again. She cannot be sacked for having a childcare issue as a one off.

AuthorAccount · 26/04/2022 23:01

Childcare isn’t expensive for a couple of hours after school. It sounds like both of them work.

Yaya26 · 26/04/2022 23:03

You sound weirdly too involved in your niece/nephew, sister and ex brother in law lives. You need to back off and let them get on with it. you’d be better focusing on your life/career.

Sonineties · 26/04/2022 23:04

Here’s what you do.
You tell your sister to start phoning every parent in her kids classes to find someone who will take your kids home with them for an hour after school. My suggestion is to start with parents who walk home and already have multiple kids, as they are more likely to take the view that one or two more won’t make any difference.

Pearlyqueen21 · 26/04/2022 23:05

I work in a venue that hosts numerous graduations - people always turn up with extra kids! If you’re desperate, my advice would be to take them with you and find a nice helpful member of staff. Let your mum and dad sort it out while you off and get ready to graduate. It’ll work out, either with extra sets being available, the kids being allowed to sit on laps, or your dad will have to stay outside and entertain his GCs while your mum watches. Lots of families manage it, you’ll be fine 👍
Well done and enjoy your day!

SpinningCat2 · 26/04/2022 23:23

Only read op posts so may be repeating.

Any one at the uni who could watch kids just whilst you are in the ceremony ?
Ask on FB for CRB vetted nurse / childcare / allied professions students ??

SeasonFinale · 26/04/2022 23:39

This is not your issue to sort out. It is your sister's. Her kids her problem.

She asks friends of the kids parents to do her a favour. What are her plans if you are ill or you are away etc. Let her sort it out and enjoy your graduation

Dotcomma · 26/04/2022 23:52

Sounds like a very toxic family, I feel for the children more than anything, imagine how they feel being a burden to their parents, grandparents and auntie. No wonder other relatives turn their backs and won't help - I wouldn't either.

Why have you agreed to be in this position with your sister, ex and their children? Are you doing this out of guilt, obligation or something else?

No point people offering solutions if there aren't any.

Make a decision - go on your own & hold your head high. If your parents want to be there, deserve to be there for x y z reason but ultimately can't step down for each other then they're part of the problem too.

Sometimes it's tough love - let the rest of the family sort the problem for ONE DAY and you go and do what's important to you personally. Show them you're not having it & let them sort it.

marvellousmaple · 27/04/2022 00:16

So between 5 adults - 2 parents, 2 sisters and father of children - none of you have enough money to pay for an hour of childcare: or a single friend or relative that what would help . I think their may be bigger issues at play than who attends the graduation ceremony. Do none of you even know your neighbours well enough to ask for a bit of help? It's all a bit sad really.

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2022 00:26

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 12:22

Unfortunately I'm working today and their dad is picking them up. He won't do anything to help me including asking other parents to watch them!

Childcare is unaffordable unfortunately!

Show quote history

How much is your sister being paid if everyone else pays for childcare 5 days per week and 1 afternoon is unaffordable.

If she is so poorly paid then either she needs to give up the job and stay at home and look after her own children as it isn’t worth it or become a childminder herself as she would then be earning more if childcare is so unaffordable

Summerfun54321 · 27/04/2022 00:31

So if you were taken ill what would happen to the children!? There needs to be a plan B and it’s not for you to arrange.

ozymandiusking · 27/04/2022 00:33

I think your sister is being unreasonable. This is a big day for you. She is going to have to bite the bullet and pay someone to pick them up, Surely there's a Mum at school who would do it.

SarahDippity · 27/04/2022 00:44

Your sister AND EX-PARTNER really need to start building a network of school friends, parents, babysitters and ad hoc minders. Eg contact a local nursery/crèche and ask if any staff members are available for occasional afternoon minding. Eg neighbours with teenagers. Eg families/ neighbours with a childminder/au pair who may be available occasionally as a paid favour. It is so important to have backup plans. The pushback on nobody being able to fund 2-3 hours of childcare is incredible to me. Sorry this has behind your problem. Your sister AND HER EX-PARTNER need to create solutions and backup plans, starting now. You have become the (free?) default and now you are trapped. Very unfair. Congratulations on your achievement. You deserve to mark it without this responsibility and headache.

marvellousmaple · 27/04/2022 01:12

So both the ex's parents have dies since October last year. This is all very unfortunate.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/04/2022 02:10

Not your kids, not your problem.

As a single mother I do not take a job without an iron clad plan for childcare. I ask my parents to step in about once every three months or so, because I do not rely on my family to facilitate me life.

If she cant do her job without you babysitting, what the hell is she expecting when you kick start you career post-MA? Or are you supposed to keep it on ice until it suits her?

No love sorry but take responsibility for your own life choices/consequences and live around them. I am not a single parent by choice but I accept that my earlier choices have led to this and live around it instead of expecting my family to miss major life events for me to go to work.

Pickabearanybear · 27/04/2022 02:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Moser85 · 27/04/2022 03:25

This is absolutely ridiculous.
How expensive could a couple of hours of childcare be?

needmorethanthis · 27/04/2022 03:43

I wonder if your sister should be working? If childcare is this problematic and the school has no after school club then how is it going to work? What happens if the kids are poorly? You’ve just graduated and now need a job. You don’t give up your life for other peoples kids. Sadly it sounds like she will have to stop this job as they are inflexible and do something else until the kids are old enough to walk themselves home from school

HoppingPavlova · 27/04/2022 04:15

She’ll HAVE to find and afford a babysitter. How outrageous making this your problem.