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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Perimeni · 26/04/2022 19:09

Not your problem. Tell your sister you are not available that day. She's the parent she can sort it out. There's no way she'll leave them at school if you go and you can't do any more than you have to find an alternative option. You've been given many solutions but ultimately they're her kids, her problem. Enjoy your big day and well done

AnnieSnap · 26/04/2022 19:14

This all seems a bit weird and unconvincing to me. Sorry if I’m being unreasonable! Also, the kids won’t be let in without tickets!

muttley68 · 26/04/2022 19:15

Do you have more than one sibling? As one of your previous posts suggests that your sisters (ex) partners parents are alive and kicking??

Carriecakes80 · 26/04/2022 19:35

This situation really confuses me. I am one of those who will do anything for anyone, including my family, but when it comes to kids, they are down to the parents. What happens if you got ill, and your sister is told she has to collect her kids, and her work apparently says no?
Your sister needs to grow a pair, because I cannot see that ANY company in this day and age will not let someone free to pick up their children, add to that I cannot believe they have ZERO friends within the whole family that could manage a couple of little kids for a few hours. This set up sounds so bizarre to me! You are a massive door mat to them, and the only reason they can refuse to sort it out is because you are wiping their backsides for them.
You need to have a bit of re-evaluation, because you can love your family and be there for them without it impacting your own life...
This does not sound healthy, whatsoever.

Loubymoo27 · 26/04/2022 19:37

Do you always sort stuff out for your sister? She's not sorting it because she's used to you doing it?? They're not your kids!! Simple as! You cannot pick them up so she needs to sort something herself!!! You do a nice thing by picking them up but she cannot expect you to do it long term surely?? Your sisters kids are your sisters responsibility!!

Lulu777 · 26/04/2022 19:44

I think you need to ask the childless aunt rather than just assuming she can’t cope - she CAN cope for a couple of hours if you set her up with snacks and what to watch on the tele. Explain it is a one-off. Is she your mum’s sister? Alternatively I simply cannot believe that between you, your sister and your parents, that none of you have one friend who could help for 2 hours as a one off. Also sad that you feel you cannot ask another parent at the school - I’m sure someone would understand and might also help to break the ice at school. I think you partly need to break through your own assumptions on this - with the exception of your sister’s ex most people would be willing to help for 2 hours in an urgent situation.

Bogeyes · 26/04/2022 19:46

Its your sister's problem. Not yours!

Tigger1895 · 26/04/2022 19:47

Is there a relationship with the grandparents on dads side? Rather than a childminder, are there local babysitters? As others are saying this isn’t your problem. Why should you miss out on the biggest event of your life so far because others have relied on you so much and are unprepared for unforeseen events.

Silvers11 · 26/04/2022 19:59

Is this for real OP?

A) This is absolutely NOT your problem. Even if you normally do the school run, your SISTER is the one responsible and it is up to her to sort it out.

B) I cannot believe that there is absolutely no-one who can be available to help for a couple of hours

C) Nor can I believe that no-one in the family can afford to pay for a child-minder from somewhere for a couple of hours either

You are knocking back every single helpful suggestion that folks are making. You will not be allowed the children in if you haven't got tickets for them - and in any case if they do get in, if they won't sit quietly during 'boring' to them speeches, someone will need to take them out anyway

So if this is true - tell your sister she will have to sort things out, that neither you nor your parents will pick up any phone calls from the school and leave her to sort it out with the kids Father or any of her friends. She must have some

BadNomad · 26/04/2022 20:01

The OP has children of her own, but she hasn't said who is looking after them that day. They probably can't help either anyway because of reasons.

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2022 20:13

Do you need to get extra tickets for the graduation? You should bring them along and just get seats. I can’t see them being refused unless it says explicitly no children allowed

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2022 20:14

Do you need to get extra tickets for the graduation? You should bring them along and just get seats. I can’t see them being refused unless it says explicitly no children allowed

Grrrrdarling · 26/04/2022 20:35

Why are you stressing over sorting childcare for your sisters children?

Not being rude but your sister needs to sort her kids out & you need to go to your graduation.
If she speaks to her work place, asap, & explains the situation I’m sure they can make an allowance for one day or an hour or two & if they can’t she will need to sort something else. Also the cost of sorting this is not your thing to worry about either as they aren’t your kids.
What school doesn’t provide some sort of after school provision or run after school clubs these days?

brookstar · 26/04/2022 20:50

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2022 20:13

Do you need to get extra tickets for the graduation? You should bring them along and just get seats. I can’t see them being refused unless it says explicitly no children allowed

Graduations are ticketed events. You can't just turn up and hope for the best!! They just won't let extra people in!
If the person officiating the ceremony is particularly important then they'll be even stricter due to security reasons.

brookstar · 26/04/2022 20:50

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2022 20:13

Do you need to get extra tickets for the graduation? You should bring them along and just get seats. I can’t see them being refused unless it says explicitly no children allowed

Graduations are ticketed events. You can't just turn up and hope for the best!! They just won't let extra people in!
If the person officiating the ceremony is particularly important then they'll be even stricter due to security reasons.

theonlygirl · 26/04/2022 20:58

Between you, your sister and your mum and dad could you not pay some local teenager to babysit?

LunchBoxPolice · 26/04/2022 21:14

What about your sister’s partner?

Jack80 · 26/04/2022 21:19

Can they not have the day off school and your parents take them while you get your certificate

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/04/2022 21:29

BadNomad · 26/04/2022 20:01

The OP has children of her own, but she hasn't said who is looking after them that day. They probably can't help either anyway because of reasons.

Pesky reasons

mummybeau · 26/04/2022 21:44

Honestly if your sister is unable to afford the cost of a child kinder for a few hours (I live in London and my CM is £8 an hour) then I would tell her she needs to find an alternative. If she is not earning enough to find £30 for such an important, one off, date, and is in employment... I'd expect her to be claiming either working tax credits or universal credits. Perhaps you or her aren't aware that working tax credits will pay 70% of registered childcare fees. Universal credit I think will pay up to 80 percent but I haven't ever claimed this so if she does she should look into it.

Ultimately your sister's kids aren't your responsibility. I personally wouldn't bring them to my graduation. I say this as a single mum who has absolutely no family support. My dad died in his 50s last year after an extremely short illness. My mum is significantly disabled and I'm her carer, my kids dad is not in the picture. I work full time as a medical professional but very low wage (£10p/h). I rely on childmimders after school and outside of term time. If your sister is on a low income there will be options available if she needs childcare. Even one off. If she's over the threshold to claim tax credits or UC then I can't imagine not being able to afford a one off childminder for what surely is only 2-3 hours? 4 at most?? When does she finish work? Ultimately its your sisters responsibility. But even in the South East childminders will be far cheaper than the majority of childcare options like babysitters.

I hope your sister can sort out childcare for her kids during your graduation and you enjoy your well earned celebrations.

OnTheGoAlways · 26/04/2022 21:49

My son attended my Honors graduation and Msc graduation aged 6&7.

Congratulations on passing! Enjoy your ceremony!

mycatisannoying · 26/04/2022 21:50

You really need to prioritise yourself on this day. Presumably your sister has had some notice of this?
Many congrats by the way! Star

PRosie · 26/04/2022 22:10

Ask one of the TA's in school if they would do it.

chynapearl · 26/04/2022 22:13

Please please go to your Graduation. This day will never come again . If you don’t go you will regret this for the rest of your life . Your sister can figure something out .

Beachcomber74 · 26/04/2022 22:18

Just take them with you. Collect at lunchtime and let them be part of the celebs. The Uni aren’t going to turn you away.