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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do?

404 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 25/04/2022 18:45

Of.course you can take them to the university campus. Lots of people bring children but you won't be able to bring them into the ceremony room. Sometimes the ceremony is filmed and you can watch on a screen outside though . Can you ask someone else to come to the graduation who is willing to stay outside with the children for the actual ceremony bit while you and your parents go in ? There will be things they can do on campus, particularly of the weather is nice.

The people to ask are the staff in the graduation team who organise everything. They will probably say that it is fine to bring children onto the campus but that for the actual ceremony ( often only 1-2 hours) the children probably have to stay outside. They will find it pretty boring anyway 😄

tendence · 25/04/2022 18:47

Yes, I meant it, about it maybe being an option to ask a teacher, if they were friendly with them, if they thought they might be able to help etc. I perfectly accept that most people would not want to do that of course, and it would have to be a sensitively asked question. I have worked as a teacher and would have considered it in a situation where I was aware of a family that was struggling etc as a one off only.

Reading on it seems that there is more to this situation, so probably not a good idea in this case. I echo everybody else's comments that it's not the OP's problem, and it cannot be completely impossible to find and fund a babysitter or childminder for a few hours as a one off.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/04/2022 15:27

I assume someone else has pointed out that this wouldn't be an absence from school that the HT could authorise?

Kennykenkencat · 26/04/2022 15:32

PinkPanther50 · 25/04/2022 18:41

Put a message on your local fb page asking for dbs registered babysitters and see if anyone is available. I hope you find someone

Or get your sister to do it as she is their mother

You can’t be responsible for hiring someone to look after someone else’s children

Bibbidibob · 26/04/2022 17:59

You seem to be saying that your sister would just leave the kids at school, uncollected? Do you really believe that? What would she do if you were seriously unwell and couldn't go? It is literally her and her ex partners job to sort this out, and if you let her know that you won't be there then she will. She might persuade her ex to go, she might lose her job over it, she might persuade one of your parents to stay, but all the while you take responsibility and refuse to accept any suggestions other than taking the kids with you then she will continue to not sort it out. Honestly just tell her you can't be there that day and put it out of your mind.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 26/04/2022 18:02

No, what I was saying is that if she takes the day off or leaves work early, she won't be kept on as she's in her first week of training in a new job.

OP posts:
Chelsea26 · 26/04/2022 18:10

Surely between you, your sister and your parents you must have a friend who could help out as a one off??

Vanderama · 26/04/2022 18:12

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

They're your sisters kids, they're her responsibility. Tell her you can't pick them up that day and she'll have to make other arrangements. Enjoy your graduation day and well done.

Mediocrates · 26/04/2022 18:12

I get that you’re saying that your sister absolutely cannot take time off work, but what she can do is all the shit that you’ve been left with re: finding an alternative. Your only responsibility here is to tell your sister that you can’t collect the children from school that day. It then falls to her to tell deadbeat dad that he either collects the kids from school or gets a call to say they haven’t been collected.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position OP, but this is one of these times that you either set a boundary or accept that you’ve essentially taken responsibility for your sister’s childcare indefinitely

Booboobagins · 26/04/2022 18:14

Take the with you. It's not a long ceremony if you arrive for your masters and it'll be nice for them to get pics with caps on etc and to experience such a lovely event at such a young age.

Feel sorry for the kids if their dad is being so petty.

Good luck x

wishitwasaduvetday · 26/04/2022 18:15

No, what I was saying is that if she takes the day off or leaves work early, she won't be kept on as she's in her first week of training in a new job.

And that's a problem for your sister to resolve, not you. She's allowing you to take a burden that's not yours.

Mumontour85 · 26/04/2022 18:20

..... it may not be your sisters 'fault' that she can't organise her own childcare, but it is 100% HER RESPONSIBILITY!!
Is her plan forever to have you do the school runs?? What about when you are out of uni and also working full time? She needs to sort something out here, she is the mother and it is ultimately her problem to sort out.

You are graduating. You are celebrating a massive step in your life and your parents are wanting to be there to be proud and support you, as they should be.

Do not stress on this, tell your sister you can't do that day and she will have to either fork out for a babysitter, reach out to a kids friend at school, find an after school club or come to an arrangement with the kids dad.

Can I say that I would NEVER expect my sisters to stress about MY kids on their graduation day. I think it's really fucking naughty of her tbh.

Congrats on the MA!!

QueenBee70 · 26/04/2022 18:20

QuestionableMouse · 25/04/2022 11:57

Have a MA graduation ceremony coming up. It finishes at 2:15. I usually do school pick ups for my sister which are at 2:35. The uni campus is over an hour away so no chance of being back in time. My sister has just started a new job and can't take time off (it's a very full on role and she's currently training, with no chance to make up the day if she misses it.) Her ex-partner has flat out refused to take any time off. (he's a huge knob in multiple ways!)

No grandparents on their dad's side. My mum and dad are attending with me. (I'm the first person in my family to graduate, let alone do a MA so it's very important to them.)

There's no after school club and the school have been unhelpful. No other family who can help (one auntie who is childless and wouldn't cope with two kids, the other has just had a hip op). Looking at childminders but they're all horribly expensive and tbh none of us can really afford the cost.

The best solution I can come up with is to take them with me to the ceremony. They're great kids (4 & 6) and I trust them to behave but I'm not sure if they'll be allowed in? Have emailed the uni but no response yet! What the hell do I do?

This is important to you and their children are not your responsibility . Your sisters partner should make arrangements to leave work early or take half a days holiday to pick them up .

Ali2710 · 26/04/2022 18:29

So you sister will be happy for her kids not to be collected from school? Is there a back story here? Do you have parental responsibility/legal guardianship of your sister's children?

Blueskybird · 26/04/2022 18:30

Woah! Hang on this is a REALLY special day for you and I’m not sure why this falling to you to sort ?? I get you might be close to your sister and have an agreement of some sort but this is exceptional - it’s a massive achievement for you ( huge congrats btw) can’t your sister do a half day or fake a phone call to say she has to pick the kids up? Think you really need to make it clear you just can’t help her that day.

maria57 · 26/04/2022 18:33

This is not your responsibility but the responsibility of your Sister and Ex partner to find care for their children whether she has started a new job or not.
You have worked very hard and achieved the recognition you deserve to attend your Graduation... Do not miss it for anyone!!
Your sister will have to sort this with the Fathers Dad or her Work...she needs to go to HR and speak to them about it...not a Manager!

DungballInADress · 26/04/2022 18:35

Sorry if I'm repeating the obvious here but these are your sister's children? Surely the conversation goes "sorry DSis but I can't collect your children that day because I have a very important personal event to attend." The end. They are not your children, how has this become your responsibility?! You say your DSis isn't really that bothered, surely if the options are have both your children wilfully left at school with nobody to collect them or organise childcare for one afternoon you sort out childcare?! Have you informed the school you'll be collecting them early or they will be absent that day (it could be considered an unauthorised absence, given that they aren't ill)?
I'd be very surprised in covid times that you'd be permitted to attend with 4 people and having attended a graduation ceremony, no way would I take a 4yo and 6yo to it - it's a lot of time listening to people talk and then a huge long list of people you don't know walking across a stage, shaking hands and then sitting back down again. They would get bored fast.
Have the school got a Facebook page or is there a class whatsapp group you could ask in? There must be something - what do full time working parents do near you?

DungballInADress · 26/04/2022 18:39

100% this.

Authorised unpaid leave for parents is a legal right, training or not. What would they do if one of them got chickenpox tomorrow - sack her for not attending training because her child is ill? Highly unlikely. What if she had a medical appointment that could not be moved for half a day - she does the morning training, leaves at lunch, takes half a day holiday or unpaid. Speak to HR.

TwitchetyWitcheryWooWoo · 26/04/2022 18:42

You could always list for your sister all of the options you have explored and then ask her what solutions she has come up with or looked at. As other’s have said this is your special day and honestly neither you nor your parents should miss out on your wonderful achievement - nor should others expect you to. Much as you love them the children are not your responsibility and, at the end of the day, they are her responsibility.

TMC7 · 26/04/2022 18:57

What would they do if u were sick?! Are you seriously suggesting if u don’t get them they would just not bother sorting anything and leave their children at school? If so I think there’s a bigger safeguarding issue if they are both that uninterested in their children.

BajaBaja · 26/04/2022 18:58

Afterschool Play date with a friend from class.

Jackburger · 26/04/2022 18:58

I’ve just been to my son’s graduation and there were loads of children there and also several babies. I’m sure Uni’s differ so good to try and check but if you don’t hear back I would take them (if you have tickets for them),

Fridgeorflight · 26/04/2022 18:58

Does either class have a social media account that your sister can request help from? We have a WhatsApp group for each class and l am confident that someone would offer to help for a one-off event like this. I'd happily offer for any of my kids' classmates.

muttley68 · 26/04/2022 19:00

I thought by law that employers had to give time off to a new employee for holiday dates they've already arranged pre employment She obviously didn't think your graduation was important enough to tell them she needed the day off so that's how much she obviously cares about your important day. It's not like your graduation was sprung on you. Just say no

Pelsall116 · 26/04/2022 19:06

Your sister (with or without ex partner) stumps up for one-off childminder, finds someone to do it for free or calls into work sick. End of