AIBU to disbelieve posters who say they're ugly but their DH is very attractive?

[PeaceLurking9to5]

Yes, a thread about a thread so sorry about that, but not one intended to make any poster who feels bad about her looks feel worse, the total opposite.
When I read this statement fairly regularly I think no no no no no, you have elevated him and relegated yourself. He's not as good looking to the rest of the world as he is to you, and you're not as unattractive as you think you are, you're just running yourself down.

It is eye catchingly rare to see an extremely handsome man with an unattractive woman, so if you tell us that you're really unattractive but your DH is very attractive, I don't think you're being objective.

Good God, the amount of women denigrating themselves on here is just so depressing.

'My husband is so gorgeous, and women fall over themselves to get to him, but I am pug ugly, horrible nose, horrible teeth, weird shaped face, awful beady eyes, fat, dumpy, grotesque!!! ................'

WTAF? I literally NEVER seen women that look like this, and even the ones who are say, less conventionally attractive, are never EVER with bloody Brad Pitt or Liam Hemsworth lookalikes!

I sense a lot of low self esteem in many of these posts, and it's very sad to see.

@MurmuratingStarling

Most people who self denigrate like that do it to get responses saying no you arent, I am sure you are very pretty. It is just a way to get compliments. It just like people who post - I am the world's worst mother, I let my 3 year old have a sip of juice or see a screen. It is all just internet pandering for compliments.

A very small number of people have a dysphoric view of their face but most are well aware of their attractiveness level - even if they don't really love what they see in a mirror or see flaws. That is the majority of people.

When we met I was a definite hottie and my DH was kind of average (looking back). A lot of my mates at that time really didn’t get what I saw in him. But I was so over f*boys and gorgeous men who were untrustworthy and shallow.
I was attracted to his kindness and intelligence which is what kept us together so long. Looks fade, we’ve both had periods of letting ourselves go but I know he always tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and when we briefly separated neither of us wanted anyone else.
20 years later and my DH had definitely improved with age! I always found him attractive but he’s one of those men who looks better with a bit of weight and facial hair.
Id say I’m still attractive but we’re more at the same level now. I went down a bit and he went up.
Most of the couples I know have a similar level of attractiveness I think. I can think of one where he is much better looking but he suffered from periods of anxiety when he was younger and she brought out the best in him. They adore each other.
Ultimately, beauty is only skin deep. Obviously there are extremes at either end but most people are just either side of average and all the other stuff is more important.

There were a lot of people at the time who couldn’t understand Charles preferring Camilla to Diana.

In the 60s/70s Charles had gone out with many stunning women - he was regarded as the world's most eligible bachelor and could more or less have his pick. So, he wouldn't have seen Diana's beauty as much of a novelty - he was possibly bored with women whose looks were their defining characteristic. Camilla genuinely shares his sense of humour, interests and so on.

By any normal standards, Camilla was and is reasonably attractive - not many women would compare favourably side by side with Diana, which is why Camilla was hounded by the press for her more average looks. But if Camilla was your new neighbour down the road, you'd probably peg her as 'attractive for her age'.

Most people who self denigrate like that do it to get responses saying no you arent, I am sure you are very pretty. It is just a way to get compliments. It just like people who post - I am the world's worst mother, I let my 3 year old have a sip of juice or see a screen. It is all just internet pandering for compliments

I agree. I have never, ever seen the in real life equivalent of a couple where she looks like Waynetta slob and he looks like David Gandy!

Also LOL at the idea that men age better than women. Most of my male contemporaries (I am 50) are overweight, grey (many bald) and delight in dressing like retired farmers.

Women at my age are hitting their stride. We know how to look after ourselves, we know what clothes suit us and we can afford to dress well and take a lot of trouble with our appearance.

Its true that there is less stigma about men undergoing the obvious signs of ageing (grey hair for example). But the idea that older men look better than older women is just nonsense and, as has been pointed out, pure internalised misogyny.

My Dh has got better looking the longer we have been together yet when I look at a picture of him on our second date I think he was really cute then. I recently saw a photo of me at 16 and wished I had known how pretty I was. My boyfriend at the time was seriously hot and I wondered constantly why he was with me. We actually looked really good together. These days we are both not bad at times but there is more to feelings for someone than how they look. Strangers would say one of my guys is better looking than the other but actually feelings override looks ime.

On MN it's common to have:
A massive house in the part of town that no one would ever guess they would live in.
Academically brilliant and beautiful dc.
Dh's who are gorgeous who everyone fancies and are high earners.
It's possible but of course no one can check.

I also think it is an age thing. If a couple was fairly matched in looks - and, say, above average - in their 20s, then, assuming both take equal care about their appearance, by the time they are 50+, the man would still be able to attract 20 year old women, but the woman would be just invisible.

Nice to see you @Puffalicious I miss you on our thread.

I'm not ugly, I have nice eyes and lovely skin, but I am short and a size 20, and I do quite often meet women who seem to think it is downright unreasonable for me to be happily married to my tall handsome husband who looked like Evan Dando when I met him at 19, but who has aged much better than Evan (probably due to the lack of a 30-year crack habit).

Mind you, my Dad in his youth was a twinkly Irish fireman with a look of a young George Best who 50-years later remains utterly besotted with my equally short and round mother, so maybe she managed to pass on her less immediately obvious charms to me.

@MurmuratingStarling it is all done in jest. They know that we adore each other and he couldn't cope without me. That is also said on a regular basis.

This!!!

Women really need to know their worth. (And realise that their ageing husband probably isn’t that attractive to anyone else).

Although fwiw, even after 20 years my dh is still a hot young thing to me!!!!

Studies have shown that having kids ages women, and the fact most do more of the raising means we do look older faster. I’ve averaged 5hrs sleep a night the past 4 years and that’s definitely taken a toll. I think I was objectively way more attractive than my partner when we met but two kids later I think I am now only slightly more attractive than him! 😁

@forinborin

...If a couple was fairly matched in looks - and, say, above average - in their 20s, then, assuming both take equal care about their appearance, by the time the couple are 50+, the man would still be able to attract 20 year old women, but the woman would be just invisible.

What a load of utter nonsense. As has been said, unless a man in his 50s, is very wealthy and/or powerful, he will NOT have 20 year old women running after him.

@SkiingIsHeaven

It's all done in jest.

No it's not. Maybe YOU are 'doing it in jest,' but some women actually DO mean it and DO think very little of themselves.

Although as one poster said (@Midlifemusings ) I think some people are saying it for attention and compliments.

@LuaDipa

This!!!

Women really need to know their worth. (And realise that their ageing husband probably isn’t that attractive to anyone else).

Exactly this. The very idea that everyone fancies your husband is just farcical to the extreme!

I am also sick of seeing posts where the man is a drop dead gorgeous twinkly eyed Paul Newman lookalike, and the woman is a short, round pot bellied troll who has beady eyes, and a chin like Jimmy Hill. As I said earlier, I NEVER see couples that fit this description - or women who look like that!

My sister, although not unattractive thinks her husband is gorgeous when in fact he looks like a bean with stubble.

you clearly are filled with desire for your beany bil. your sister had better watch out when you're about.

One thing that is REALLY depressing, is that some posters coming out with negative comments about women, are talking about their own MOTHER!

When we were younger DH was definitely better looking. He had a bit of a skinny indie band boy vibe about him. While I had a fat vegan librarian vibe and looked older (despite being younger).

my mums friends even commented on how good looking he was (I reckon it was because I wasn’t lol)

bir in our early 40s I think we’re probably equally ok looking. But I’m still far funnier than he’ll ever be. So there

What a load of utter nonsense. As has been said, unless a man in his 50s, is very wealthy and/or powerful, he will NOT have 20 year old women running after him.
I must live in a different reality, and quite regularly see 50+ old men with 20-30 year old girlfriends. Not wealthy, not powerful. Even my exH that age had upgraded to a 21 year old fiancée (she's from a good family, beautiful and financially independent), and he's very far from wealthy (poorer than her) or powerful. Charming, yes. At the same time, I am considered too old even by men my own age (late 30s).