To make a constructive complaint about the breastfeeding midwife 4 months on?

[PinkFing]

I feel unreasonable even typing this as she was so nice and really tried to help, but….

when my dad was born it was noted he had a tongue tie. She came to the postnatal ward to help and also cut the tongue tie in a week in the clinic. Things still didn’t improve and I had sore bleeding nipples and cried every time he latched on.

after a few weeks I was still going to her clinics and she sat me down and took my hand saying “it’s ok to stop. You’re not enjoying this time with him and ultimately it’s not where the milk comes from but how you bond with your baby when feeding him etc”. She said that it was fine to use some formula and if I stopped breastfeeding entirely then it was okay. Obviously all the words a stress out mum wants to hear! But looking back I wish she’d encouraged me more and told me not to give up. That’s her job right?! I’m now combo feeding but wish someone had pushed me not to give bottles and I can’t help blaming her for not putting the pressure on. AIBU?

My ds, not dad!!

So by your own admission she said the right thing at the right time and you want to complain about that?

YABU.

She wasn't saying to stop, it sounds like you'd been to a few clinics and she said it to offer an alternative. Ideally if she felt she couldn't offer much more she could have signposted to other services that can help. Her job is to support mum and baby, and it can be a hard balance between what the ideal is ie breastfeeding will be fine carry on even if that's not necessarily the case, and discussing other options. Sorry you feel it wasn't what you needed to hear, but similarly the reality where she said keep going and you burnt yourself out trying doesn't exist and is a what if. Sounds like you're doing amazing combination feeding.

I don't think you can make her responsible for your decision to stop. It sounds like she was simply giving you the option to stop. You may feel you wished you had kept going, but there equally will be mothers who wished they stopped earlier.

It's not her job to make choices for you about being a parent - that's your job!

I think she was reassuring you that it was ok to stop if you were finding things too difficult to carry on. Not telling you that you should stop.

Yabu

She told the truth and was right not to emtionally force breastfeeding on you.

If you feel that strongly why don't you stop with the formula and ebf?

Don't complain about someone showing kindness and supporting struggling women. If you're combo feeding you can increase your supply if you want to get back to exclusive BF.

Yes, YABU. There is no point pushing yourself to the point that you’re crying every time you’re feeding your baby. You are still able to breastfeed, just not exclusively. I stopped breastfeeding at 5 weeks because she was screaming and I was crying every time. It was horrible and made me hate being a mum. I think if I hadn’t stopped it wouldn’t have been very long before I was dealing with PND. The midwives and health visitors kept asking if it was sustainable (I was breastfeeding, topping up with formula and then pumping to build up supply) and the reason they kept asking is because it wasn’t sustainable. It was exhausting and impacting my mental health. They needed to look after me as well my DD. That midwife was looking after you by taking the pressure off you.

Yanbu. That being said I always advise people to get in touch with a lactation consultant, La leche league or a community advisor (we have nct ones in our town as well as trained peer supporters who help)

If you're still doing breast feeds and would like to do it more than bottles then I would advise looking for something like this now so you can increase breast and reduce bottles.

Fwiw I never had good bf advice from a mw, even with my 3rd the mw told me I was holding her wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was holding her in a great position for a fast let down, my husband told her I knew what I was doing lol. As a result of that I trained as a peer supporter.

Yabu when she was giving you adivce that she felt was best for you at the time. If you are in tears she was likely worrying it would have had a negative impact on your mental health if you continued. A midwife isn't there to pressure anyone, they are there to support and advise. It sounds like she did her job.

Thanks for all your honest replies. I don’t actually think I’d get to the point of typing a complaint. Looking back I just feel I needed a voice of authority and not a friend saying the right words iyswim.

I was made to feel like a total failure by midwives at hospital and in the community for being unable to breastfeed my first child and it had a huge impact on my mental health and my bond with DC. We would have benefited hugely from a professional telling me the things your midwife said to you tbh.

You are just looking for someone to blame. It was your decision and your decision alone. Take some responsibility.

YABVU. It isn't her job to put the pressure on, quite the opposite. It's her job to support your choice, which it sounds like she did. If you're not happy with your decision you could choose to try to relactate?

Please don't complain. She was saying the truth.

Right so she offered you practical support and advice on breastfeeding then when it was still difficult she was kind and sympathetic and told you that your ds would be just fine if you chose to stop... yeah what a bitch, stick a complaint in immediately, these things need to be stopped

Seriously though op, it looks as if you're a bit unhappy with things and looking to lash out at somebody else. Please don't, look forward to your and your ds' future and try not to obsess over what's already happened.

Yes your being unreasonable.
Her job is to support mothers and babies yes with bf but also with mothers well being. It's not to be a bf warrior at any cost and for some women bf just doesn't work out and makes them miserable which isn't in the interests of the mum. She was simply saying it's OK to feed a different way if it would be better for you. Some women will push themselves ridiculously and feel guilted into it.

It's good that your bf journey is working out but that's not the same for all women. You can reduce the number of bottles and switch to ebf over a few weeks if you so wish I suggest contacting a lactation consultant

Yabu. Just gradually phase out the formula. i started combo feeding as i was very ill after my c section - probably 70% formula. Gradually phased it out till I was essentially ebf by 4 months. No pumping required, just feed, feed, feed.

It's a huge myth that bf can only reduce not increase. "Nipple confusion" is also extremely rare. I recommend the book breastfeeding made easy by Geraldine miskin

You were visiting the clinic repeatedly and crying every time your ds latched on! You were clearly very distressed and looking for help- one option she suggested was ff which she did without judgement or pushing and that’s completely valid!! It would have been the wrong thing not to mention that as an option but try to force you to continue.

don’t feel about about ff it’s fine!!

Can you imagine if she was a 'voice of authority' and told you that you must struggle on despite crying at every feed.

She absolutely did the right thing.

I dont understand why you think it would have been better if you had persevered? What do you think is better for your son, having breastmilk or having a mum who isn’t crying when he is being fed? I think it is much better for his emotional health that he has a happy relaxed mum.

Women are emotionally bullied all the time into sticking with breast feeding when it's not working out. They miss those lovely bonding months with baby, and baby goes hungry and everyone is sleep deprived.
She gave you amazing advice, as a professional who can see both sides. She wasn't being "your friend". Her advice was amazing well done to her. I wish someone had spoken to me with such effortless honesty and neutral perspective.

Can you imagine the opposite? I was really struggling, my midwife had been supporting me in clinics but put the pressure on me to keep going.

She gave you advice. You took it. Many stories I have heard of mothers feeling pressured into carrying on breastfeeding when it's not working for them. .
Why put a blot on the career of a caring dedicated individual for no reason?

YABU I can’t help but think they can’t win what ever they say. I’ve seen so many posts complaining about feeling pressured to BF by midwives and how they had wished they would have been told it’s okay to stop. Obviously people not happy when the opposite happens either.