To make a constructive complaint about the breastfeeding midwife 4 months on?

[PinkFing]

I feel unreasonable even typing this as she was so nice and really tried to help, but….

when my dad was born it was noted he had a tongue tie. She came to the postnatal ward to help and also cut the tongue tie in a week in the clinic. Things still didn’t improve and I had sore bleeding nipples and cried every time he latched on.

after a few weeks I was still going to her clinics and she sat me down and took my hand saying “it’s ok to stop. You’re not enjoying this time with him and ultimately it’s not where the milk comes from but how you bond with your baby when feeding him etc”. She said that it was fine to use some formula and if I stopped breastfeeding entirely then it was okay. Obviously all the words a stress out mum wants to hear! But looking back I wish she’d encouraged me more and told me not to give up. That’s her job right?! I’m now combo feeding but wish someone had pushed me not to give bottles and I can’t help blaming her for not putting the pressure on. AIBU?

You are totally unreasonable

The more I think about it, the more perturbed I am about how you’re viewing this experience. You’re not looking at it rationally and would appear to be still fixated on this one woman and that’s a little concerning. Are you well supported now?

I think they must find they can’t win whatever they say.
Its hard - especially as a first time mum.
If you have another child you will most likely feel more confident in your own choices

@Frazzledmum123 so your doctor/consultant has told you the epidural directly caused the c section or you took the correlation between contractions and epidural to assume it did? realistically you could’ve refused an epidural and still not progressed and needed a c-section.

@PlayGIBluff No the Dr didn't say it was definitely the epidural because there is absolutely no way of knowing for certain what caused my contractions to stop, they wouldn't never say that for certain. But it isn't a huge leap to make that ever time I sat down, my Labour slowed, walking around i progressed. Then I had an epidural and it stopped completely. It's also common knowledge that being active during labour helps. I'm not sure why you are obsessing over how my labour went? I never said it definitely caused it, my point was that I will never know if it made a difference second time round and I wish I'd been encouraged to go with my expressed wishes rather than encouraged to do the one thing I made it clear I didn't want. I accept my part in it, I just get how the op feels

YABVU. If she had told you to solider on, I’m sure you would’ve wanted to complain about that. Maybe you just want to complain?

YABU.

I would imagine you could try increasing your supply to exclusively breastfeed again. Perhaps look online/get advice about doing this if that’s what you want to do? There are many examples of this working if that’s what you want

YABU. You needed a "voice of authority" to make decisions about how to feed your own child? Oh love. I've had one and I know how hard it is and am expecting another, but that's YOUR job. Only you can decide how to feed your kid. She did the right thing and countless other women would have been saved from PND/anxiety just because of her words.

What she said was fine, because it's absolutely true. She didn't say you should stop breastfeeding, or that you must stop. She just said that it was a valid choice to move to formula if that's what you wanted to do.

And she sounds kind. Nobody should be pressuring women to either breastfeed or formula feed. It's your baby- all she can do is try to help you feel empowered to choose the right path for you, but she can't be 'authoritative' and push you one way or the other.

Ya what??? This is the most unreasonable Aibu I think I’ve ever read! you say needed a “voice of authority to say the right thing”? She absolutely did exactly that. She told you that it was ok to give the baby formula. It was. She told you that enjoying time with your baby is more important than where the
milk comes from, that’s true! If you felt pressured or encouraged to stop breastfeeding that would be different , but this doesn’t sound like that at all. She gave you permission to choose , to think about your own well-being and your bond with your baby. You
made your own choice which is exactly how it should be.

Yes I agree you are like op @Frazzledmum123 Pick something that happened during labour, decide it’s the reason you needed a c-section. Op picks something that happened when breastfeeding. Decides that’s the reason she is not EBF.

This.

Oh ffs. No you shouldn’t. Several reasons

1. your boobs, your baby, your choice. Take some responsibility.
2. She was professional and compassionate and gave the right advice.
3. stupid complaints undermine the confidence of professionals giving the right advice.

I wish more midwives would take that approach. She's quite right.

YABU. In your own words, you wanted her to 'put the pressure on' and 'be a voice of authority.' Firstly, there is no law requiring women to EBF, so authority has nothing to do with it. And do you honestly think that being pressurised is what women need at this stage? If your baby is healthy and happy AND benefitting from the advantages of breast milk because you're combi feeding, what are you not ok with? Might be worth doing some examination of that rather than putting your energy towards this.

OP, I wish I had had your midwife. Mine told me I would feel terrible guilt if I stopped, and that she was only visiting to promote breast feeding. It made me feel even worse, so I carried on even though it was painful and I hated it. Now my child is 9. He's always been anxious and I do worry that it's because he could feel how unhappy I was at that time.

Honestly, as a midwife this is what we have to deal with day in and day out- whatever we do is wrong. Every emotion is projecting back as blame.
You're called the 'breastfeeding Mafia' if you try to encourage women on. You're not authoritative if you don't push them on.

And this is why we are leaving in absolute drives, because we are normal people with feelings, generally working like absolute dogs in appalling conditions to try to do our best for families, but it's never enough. Absolutely soul destroying.

Complaint?! You should be sending a note into the hospital to thank her for her support and kindness.

I think you had a lovely supportive lady helping you. Honestly I hear so many stories of pushy midwives making new mums feel like rubbish when they can’t breastfeed and you want to complain about one that supported you and helped you…

You're being incredibly unreasonable.

You know, if I'd had someone like you in those early weeks, then I might have felt able to forgive myself for starving my newborn and give myself permission to stop trying to force breastfeeding.

In the end, I had endless encouragement from all angles to 'keep going! It gets better! It's the best for him!' and I triple fed, on strong prescribed drugs, for nine long months. I never, ever produced enough milk for my child, and he spent the first ten days of his life in hospital being treated for starvation. We almost brought home a baby with brain damage because he was starving but not one single midwife would believe me when I wasn't producing milk.

Breastfeeding support NEEDS to be like you received: they meet you where you're at, and empower you to make the decision to stop if you need to. She couldn't make you stop, just like the people I spoke to couldn't make me keep going. I made that choice, yes there was pressure but ultimately it was on me. But having someone say to you it's okay if you can't make it work can save mums and babies an enormous amount of suffering.

There is nothing in breast milk that is more valuable than the wellbeing of the mother. You were extremely lucky to have such a wonderful experience, and I can't help but feel that your own sense of resentment towards yourself for not continuing with breastfeeding is being transferred onto her, as if it's her fault you didn't continue.

Can't believe you'd even consider making a complaint about this midwife. 'voice of authority'? BS! She gave you good, appropriate advice but in the end it was your decision and ultimately your responsibility to decide. She helped you and was kind to you and your reaction is to want to lash out and make a complaint about her. I think you should have a good think about how to treat others.

YABVU. First time around I had severe, cracked bleeding nipples, I was constantly in tears and my baby was screaming in hunger and my midwife said I couldn't even try expressing as it would interfere with my milk supply. I was made to feel like a complete failure for trying formula. She even said there was a correlation between lower socioeconomic groups and early formula feeding to put me off
OP I'm so glad to hear midwives have moved on now and recognize that breastfeeding simply doesn't work well for some mums and babies.

I'll be blunt here: I know this isn't something you're doing consciously, but basically, you feel guilty about your breastfeeding experience, and you're trying to make yourself feel better by shifting that to the midwife. Deep down, I think you know the midwife did the right thing.

A lot of women really struggle psychologically when breastfeeding is difficult/impossible for them, and your son is still only a few months old. Your breastfeeding journey was quite traumatic for you, and it's understandable that you're looking for ways to process that. You're very much still at the post-natal stage and I think maybe you've got some feelings you need to work through.

Absolutely not! Why would you potentially damage someone's career for that - WHY???

So many women feel pressured into continuing breast feeding no matter what.

You were bleeding and sore to the point of crying and you think she should have encouraged you to continue??? That would have been completely irresponsible.

When you're feeling low already even "gentle encouragement" can feel like massive judgment

I was made to feel absolutely worthless by several midwives for not being able to feed. I'd fed my first for 12m but when I had my twins no milk came in at all. I wanted to do it but despite doing everything I was told and even hiring a breastpump it just didn't happen and we weren't allowed to leave hospital as they were losing weight - despite that they STILL tried to bully me and make me feel like shit constantly.

Sunds like that midwife did exactly the right thing - if you complain and she gets in trouble that means the next person that needs support might not get it as the midwife may be more nervous about further complaints.