To make a constructive complaint about the breastfeeding midwife 4 months on?

[PinkFing]

I feel unreasonable even typing this as she was so nice and really tried to help, but….

when my dad was born it was noted he had a tongue tie. She came to the postnatal ward to help and also cut the tongue tie in a week in the clinic. Things still didn’t improve and I had sore bleeding nipples and cried every time he latched on.

after a few weeks I was still going to her clinics and she sat me down and took my hand saying “it’s ok to stop. You’re not enjoying this time with him and ultimately it’s not where the milk comes from but how you bond with your baby when feeding him etc”. She said that it was fine to use some formula and if I stopped breastfeeding entirely then it was okay. Obviously all the words a stress out mum wants to hear! But looking back I wish she’d encouraged me more and told me not to give up. That’s her job right?! I’m now combo feeding but wish someone had pushed me not to give bottles and I can’t help blaming her for not putting the pressure on. AIBU?

Ps and I'm still breastfeeding at 20 months now. I never thought I would be when dd was first born - I was very ill after haemorrhage and sepsis. But I just kept feeding on demand and latching constantly. Feeding to sleep, feeding for comfort, bf after bottle, and my supply increased naturally.

YABU. I needed to be told this and wasn’t and I deeply regret how much I hated feeding due to the pain. It really affected our bond and I feel guilty about that to this day.

A voice of authority? So should she have listed all the benefits of breastfeeding and shamed you into continuing even though you were struggling?

Of course YABU and she gave you compassionate advice.

That's a really odd thing to say thinking about it.
She's there to support you she's not "in authority" over you. You are an adult and a mum now, your decisions matter and somebody can't make them for you.
You wish that somebody had taken it out of your hands and forced you to keep going?
I strongly suspect you'd be even more unhappy than you are now if that had been the case.

Yes YABU.

She was giving you options. It would have been wrong for her to see a struggling mother and railroad you down the ebf route if it was making you miserable.

I was left in tears by a midwife telling me I was starving my newborn because I didn't lie naked with him in bed for a full weekend and feed him constantly. What she failed to realise was I was recovering from a huge PPH and my body just wasn't producing enough milk. At that pointed I needed someone to tell me it was ok to switch to formula. No one did and instead I was left feeling like a complete failure and the first 5 weeks of my sons life were completely miserable.

She sounds lovely,professional yet understanding your pain.She sought to help you and YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN ?
words fail me at your terrible,horrible attitude.

You should have tried having the midwife I had for DD. She was born just before Christmas, so pretty much all children's centres and support had closed. My midwife had retired, so I had a temporary one who couldn't get out of my house quick enough to get to a family event.
DD was only 5lb and her words were "I suggest you go to Asda and buy some formula otherwise you're going to spend Christmas Day in hospital with a poorly baby who is failing to thrive".
She was my first baby that took us 6 years to conceive. I was bloody terrified of losing her, so I just formula fed. I'm still annoyed at the lack of support but atleast DD is healthy.

YABU. She was being understanding and not telling you to stop. Just saying it was ok if you wanted to. You are able to make your own choices. She sounds lovely. Midwives aren't meant to push feeding options on people and she seemed to give a balanced view.

It seems Midwives can't win either way!

Wooow. Who would choose to be a HCP🙄

She was trying to help you and be kind. Please don't complain about her.

The whole nhs position around BFing is messed up. That's not her fault, she was doing her best. Don't take it out on her.

Yabu.
It wouldn't be a constructive complaint.
It would be yet another annoying complaint about a professional doing the right thing which everyone would eye-roll about but still have to have a meeting about, answer professionally and deal with, taking up time that could be spent with patients.

Examples of my midwives ‘put the pressure on’ (our area has the lowest breastfeeding rates in the UK): ‘baby’s stomach is only the size of this marble, surely you can manage to fill that up.’ Another midwife, ‘you’ve got loads of milk, you’d be mad to give it up.’

When my DH intervened, ‘she’s trying her best. Formula isn’t poison,’ one midwife sent him out of the room and asked whether he was always this controlling. 🤨

I’m sorry you are still upset by this, it is such a hard, personal thing. But the good thing is your DS got the most important early weeks, you have done him so proud. 😊

The truth is, it was ok to stop. She said what you needed to hear. It wasn’t like you didn’t get several weeks of regular support before you got to this point.

You hear just as many complaints from people who feel like they were never given permission to stop.

'Complaints' like this are part of the reason that nobody wants to be a midwife/HCP! It's so stressful and upsetting having a family/patient/parent put in a complaint about you when you've done nothing wrong, they're just looking for something to pick faults in. Genuine complaints - fine. This - no way.

You took the advice of someone who was caring and gave you options, she didn't co-erce or push you into anything either way and now you want to complain about her..

You made your choice, you and only you. She sounds like a bloody good midwife.

YABU! She was just reassuring you that it's ok to stop, she was looking out for your welfare which is also part of her job.

And how would your complaint be constructive exactly? Unless you feel there should be further training so that the health professional should never let the woman think she has any other option.

Honestly, this is one of the most unreasonable questions I have read for a while.

If you want to switch back to EBF feeding you can do that. Just slowly reduce how much formula you feed him and offer the breast more often.

What an awful attitude.
she gave you options treat you kindly and you want to thank her by complaining.
with her help you dc got the benefits of five weeks breastfeed and continued combination feeding.
she’s a midwife not authority.
you just want someone else to take the blame for your decisions.
if you want to breastfeed focus on trying to relactate and by all means see another professional.
but this is an absolutely awful attitude.
I suspect you are a someone who avoids taking responsibility for your choices when you feel they go wrong.
so if the midwife had of pushed breastfeeding you would be on here complaining that she’d caused you post natal depression by pushing feeding. Despite as a grown adult the fact it’s all your own choices whether to continue or to use formula.

Well you know you’re being unreasonable so that’s good.

Some people breastfeed and can’t get baby to take a bottle.
Some people can’t breastfeed at all.
You seem to have the best of both worlds, consider yourself lucky and move on.

You want to complain about this kind lady? God you are so way out of line blaming her.

At the time she was supporting you.

many women feel pressured to continue with breastfeeding and feel they are letting their baby down if they stop. She isn’t there to be an authority figure she is there to offer support, YABU wanting to complain.

YABU and I say that as someone who limped to 12 weeks with BF before stopping. I think if I’d had more support I might have continued (lockdown, no HV, zero support except paid for and we couldn’t afford it) - but stopping BF in the circumstances was the right thing for my mental health, the right thing for my DD, for our bond, and in the same situation again I’d have done the same thing. In a different situation, who knows? But I made that decision (it wasn’t anyone else’s choice) and I stand by it being the right one at the time. I suggest you try and reframe this in the same way or the bitterness around it will just consume you.

On the flip side. My midwife said something along these lines to me and it 100% was what I needed to hear. I was broken but still trying to push through the pain, and pissing of blood nipples and the mental anguish.

Cant do right for wrong.

Poor midwife, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I assume you're an adult who can make her own decisions?
Someone offers you support and advice when you're going through a stressful time, crying each time you feed your baby, and you want to make a complaint about her?
You'd rather she guilt tripped you, made
you feel like a terrible mother for being in pain, and told you to carry on no matter what? You're living in the wrong century.