To make a constructive complaint about the breastfeeding midwife 4 months on?

[PinkFing]

I feel unreasonable even typing this as she was so nice and really tried to help, but….

when my dad was born it was noted he had a tongue tie. She came to the postnatal ward to help and also cut the tongue tie in a week in the clinic. Things still didn’t improve and I had sore bleeding nipples and cried every time he latched on.

after a few weeks I was still going to her clinics and she sat me down and took my hand saying “it’s ok to stop. You’re not enjoying this time with him and ultimately it’s not where the milk comes from but how you bond with your baby when feeding him etc”. She said that it was fine to use some formula and if I stopped breastfeeding entirely then it was okay. Obviously all the words a stress out mum wants to hear! But looking back I wish she’d encouraged me more and told me not to give up. That’s her job right?! I’m now combo feeding but wish someone had pushed me not to give bottles and I can’t help blaming her for not putting the pressure on. AIBU?

Oh my god, the midwife spoke to you with empathy and kindness and you want to complain? Some people...

When I had my now 17yo ds I breastfed for 3 months until I was diagnosed with gallstones, I was passing out from the pain of them at times.

I got really strong medication from the doctors and was advised to stop breastfeeding.

When I told my HV I had stopped she said "so you're putting your needs above your babies needs, is that what you're telling me?"

I told her I was literally passing out from the pain at times and she called me dramatic and said "Justify it however you need to, you're the one who will have to live with your choice"

I felt like an absolute piece of shit, like a failure as a parent, and I cried for hours after that.

Your midwife was giving you the best advice for you. Please don't complain about her.

She sounds lovely and empathetic.

I can scarcely believe this post is real.

Poor midwives - they can’t win!

There's a big difference being told "You're not managing to breastfeed, give him a bottle" and "You've done really well, it's OK to give him a bottle".

The midwife supported you, gave you explicit permission to do what both you and your baby needed. Maybe with a different supporter the outcome would have been different. Different, not necessarily better. You need to forgive yourself for not meeting your own standards. It's OK.

*When I told my HV I had stopped she said "so you're putting your needs above your babies needs, is that what you're telling me?"

I told her I was literally passing out from the pain at times and she called me dramatic and said "Justify it however you need to, you're the one who will have to live with your choice"*

Now that really is appalling and unempathetic. It cannot even be honoured with the name 'support'.

I’ve been in a similar position. I can imagine you feel so disappointed with how it went.

I will say though that I genuinely do not believe it is a responsibility of Lactation specialists to give advice with no consideration for the mothers mental health.

I only managed to fully bf my third child and honestly it was a very difficult journey bf all 3 of my kids.

There are still some options for you to increase the BF if you want. There are tricks to increase your supply (pumping while you nurse) and you can use some ways to increase the amount of bm your baby is getting (SNS feeding system). There are still other options if you want. But sometimes the journey to bf really isn’t smooth. We have lost so much knowledge over the past few generations.

Constructive criticism about a health professional who offered you support and made you aware of the options so that you could make your own decision as an adult?

OP what I would say is that if you are struggling, you would be better to speak to your HV or GP. This is about you.

YABU. No doubt if she had encouraged you to continue EBF this would be another thread along with lines of ‘feel so pressured by midwife to breastfeed’.

breastfeeding isn’t maths. Sometimes there’s no real reason that it doesn’t work out, even if you try all of the obvious solutions. As it’s the baby’s food you can’t muck about with it, they need to be fed. So YABU and I personally think the midwife sounds very caring.

As someone who struggled with breastfeeding and only had the ‘voice of authority’ and no permission to stop which culminated in severe PND due to my ‘failure’ as perceived by the midwives I would have loved to have met your midwife.

You are incredibly unreasonable. I wish I had a midwife as supportive as yours when it was blatantly obvious it was not going to work for us. Rather than almost demanding we continue and refusing to discharge us from hospital until my husband took the pump he demanded we buy into hospital to prove to him we had bought one before he would consider discharging us.

We have lost so much knowledge over the past few generations.

There is no magic answer for every breastfeeding problem. Bodies are weird, there’s no rhyme or reasons for a lot of what they do. I think people need to remember it’s their baby’s food, it can’t be treated as an endurance goal.

I think it's wonderful that a breastfeeding specialist midwife has the confidence to tell a woman that it's ok to stop.

She is there to support though, that is her job, not to force you to keep breastfeeding when you're in pain.

So many women carry on trying even though they're in pain and want to give up because they feel guilty otherwise and like they've failed - the midwife was just reassuring you that if you decided to stop there was no shame in it and it's absolutely okay to do that. From what you've written she in no way pressured you to stop.

Chances are she's really helped many women in a similar position to you who did want to stop, what would complaining achieve?

That poor midwife! She did the exact right thing. I was told similar. It probably was one of only a few things that helped me not have a complete breakdown postnatally.
There are SO MANY women who would have benefited from hearing this. It would have done a lot of good for their mental health. Please please don't make a complaint about someone being caring and compassionate and actually not just giving box ticking advice.

My midwife telling me it was ok to stop was the best thing she could possibly have done for me and my baby. I’m profoundly grateful to her, still, and it’s over ten years ago now.

Sometimes women need to hear that there is “permission” to stop fighting the ebf battle.

I dont think you should complain but I do totally understand how you feel. I had a section with my first and was so upset about it. It needed to be done as he was distressed but I felt the epidural led to it due to me not being active enough in labour. So second time round I made it clear I didn't want an epidural. My midwife went on and on about how she doesn't understand why women put themselves through it, I should have an epidural, it could be hours yet, it doesn't make me less of a person, I really should consider it rather than try and cope with the pain etc etc. It was like being on a diet and someone stocking a chocolate bar under my nose constantly 🤣. Ultimately, I know she was trying to be nice but I gave in and ended up with another section and was devastated. It was my decision, I don't blame her entirely but I do think if I'd had someone encouraging me to be strong, it may have been different. So I get you. Maybe you could write her a personal email if this is possible thanking her for all her help and support but mentioning that you do feel sometimes people need more encouragement than others?

She sounds lovely and very supportive. Of course YABU, should she have pressured you to keep going even though you were constantly in tears? If she'd done that then you would probably be complaining she bullied you 🙄

Stop looking for someone to blame because things didn't turn out they way you pictured them.

Looking back I just feel I needed a voice of authority and not a friend saying the right words iyswim

Voice of authority??
Can you imagine if that was the case, she be accused of bullying women at their most vulnerable. I can understand your disappointment but trying to blame someone who was supportive and helpful is just awful.

I would have been absolutely relieved and in tears of joy if a midwife had said anything so wonderful to me when my DD1 was born.

Instead, she was born during National Breastfeeding Week and the pressure was horrendous. One pushy midwife even taking my baby and parking her at my breast in some bizarre effort to prove to me that I could do this. I cried then, as did DD.

The next day the same one visited and her eyebrows shot up when she saw me giving DD a bottle of formula. This time though, DH and I were both adamant that DD would be bottle fed and said that we wanted no more of the pressure to breastfeed as it was having an appalling effect on all of us.

They all left me alone after that and DD and I were immeasurably happier.

Definitely don't complain. Your midwife sounds lovely and she did the right thing. We need more like her.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno That's absolutely appalling treatment from the HV. That would have merited a complaint

I'd be sending an email to thank her. To bring her amazing care of you to the attention of her supervisors.

She saw the struggle you were in. She saw the pain and the sadness and the stress. She saw the pressure you were under. And she lifted those.

She gave you support and the reassurance you needed to do what was best for you at the time. She probably gave you a much happier time with your child, helped your bonding, your sleep, your recovery.

She was great with you. And she said what a lot of women really need their midwives to do. She took the expectation and pressure away and reassured you that baby would be just fine.

No matter the arguments in favour of breastfeeding, sometimes it just isnt working and everyone is miserable. Why live like that? Because so many women are pushed and pushed to keep going and then fail anyway. She helped you.

Either email in thanking her for her amazing care or dont do anything but you have no reason to complain about her. That's just an awful thing for you to even consider. Think of all the women ahead of you of would be denied the advice from her which they really need when they're in the midst of that struggle.

You really need to rethink your attitude here. How awful you're being.

"voice of authority"
You're a mother now, a parent. The buck stops with you. Others will help you, advise you, but ultimately you're responsible. And often life is a compromise.
You are combi feeding now. That's great. Your baby is thriving. Onto the next stage.

I think it's fine to feel regret and upset that you didn't receive the support you should've covering all angles of the options.

Maybe you could provide feedback rather than complain.

You can also look into restarting feeding now. It is possible

Oh cringe. Just realised you are combo feeding. Even easier to phase out the bottles and up your milk supply then if you really want to.