To make a constructive complaint about the breastfeeding midwife 4 months on?

[PinkFing]

I feel unreasonable even typing this as she was so nice and really tried to help, but….

when my dad was born it was noted he had a tongue tie. She came to the postnatal ward to help and also cut the tongue tie in a week in the clinic. Things still didn’t improve and I had sore bleeding nipples and cried every time he latched on.

after a few weeks I was still going to her clinics and she sat me down and took my hand saying “it’s ok to stop. You’re not enjoying this time with him and ultimately it’s not where the milk comes from but how you bond with your baby when feeding him etc”. She said that it was fine to use some formula and if I stopped breastfeeding entirely then it was okay. Obviously all the words a stress out mum wants to hear! But looking back I wish she’d encouraged me more and told me not to give up. That’s her job right?! I’m now combo feeding but wish someone had pushed me not to give bottles and I can’t help blaming her for not putting the pressure on. AIBU?

Sounds like the midwife was being very sensible, supportive and caring. Tbh I think the fact that you considered making a complaint is awful, I don’t understand what you would want to achieve, have her sacked maybe?? Take some responsibility for your own actions.

Poor midwife. You are definitely BU.

I think yabu.
If she'd told you it wasn't ok to stop, you'd be here complaining about her.
You made the decision so own it!

Fucking hell. The breastfeeding propaganda needs to stop when it leads to this kind of lunacy.

Leave the poor woman alone. A complaint is neither constructive or appropriate. She gave you good advice it's up to you whether you heed it or not.

Please don’t send her a personal email - at least if you put a complaint in, her manager will read it first and will be supportive about how ridiculous the whole thing is, while telling her not to worry about it and that the exact thing that they have complained about is the thing they should be commending her on. Hopefully (if she has a decent manager) she will get support while they go through the investigation process to find out what she (hadnt) done wrong.
A personal email is just a personal attack, directed straight at that poor woman who did nothing wrong and was kind and caring. She’ll be worried sick and questioning her actions - she might end up too worried about criticism like this to do her job properly and show her ladies the compassion they need.
I think the OP needs to realise that she’s now an adult, with a child of her own and needs to be able to make decisions without being bullied/told what to do.

YABU

YABU.

I hope you send neither a personal email nor a complaint. Please don't.

We need more like this lovely midwife, not people complaining spuriously when they have been nothing but supportive and have done nothing wrong.

@Frazzledmum123 but I felt the epidural led to it due to me not being active enough in labour

was there any medical basis for this or to just decided yourself the epidural led to c-section? Seems very odd to base a subsequent medical decision on something you essentially made up in your head and then being devastated by it.

@PlayGIBluff I didn't make it up in my head at all, why would you assume I did because I didn't discuss my entire birth here? The reason for the section in my case was because I failed to fully dilate and after nearly 2 days in labour, ds was getting distressed. My contractions slowed dramatically whenever I stopped moving and noticibly after the epidural when obviously I was lying down. The epidural was entirely my choice first time because I was exhausted but up until that point, I was progressing, slowly but getting there. So yes, the epidural led to slowing progress which led to my baby's heart rate dropping so needing an emergency section

She’ll be worried sick and questioning her actions - she might end up too worried about criticism like this to do her job properly and show her ladies the compassion they need.

I think this is really important actually. It's so easy now to complain or leave negative feedback now that we do it at the drop of a hat without really stopping to think about whether it's really worth it. Complaints often leave people on the receiving end stressed and anxious and doubting their ability to do their jobs.

@SLB78 Nowhere did I say to attack her? It is possible to make a comment about this without being a tw*t and if someone emailed my manager without even speaking to me about it, I'd take that far more personally as I'd assume they were trying to go above my head and get me in trouble!

I can’t believe this is even a thread tbh - it sounds like you wouldn’t have been happy with either advice. if she had put pressure on you to continue would you be on here saying “oh she pressured me to continue when I wanted to stop”
It seems to me like she can’t win either way - you’re completely unreasonable

I had the opposite and it crushed me as I needed someone to say what your midwife said. I suffered DMER too so was a proper mess. When my midwife told me to carry on as breast is best it was awful, thankfully a while later one of the other on the health centre team told me to try some formula

Yeah but the difference is, if an email got sent to the manager, they are detached enough to know it’s bloody stupid and tell you that. When it’s sent to you it’s personal and you can’t always see that.
Are you a HCP? Do you know what it’s like to invest yourself in that patient and their care and have them do this to you?

She sounds extremely supportive and exactly what anyone would want in a midwife.

You need to get a fucking grip.

Sorry, this was in reply to @Frazzledmum123

YABVU. She sounds like a lovely, supportive midwife who was taking account of your welfare as well as your baby's.

Sorry you had such a hard time, breast feeding (baby feeding in general) can be so tough. Sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you'd hoped, but it's no ones fault (not yours or the HVs), it's just the way it goes.

Please don't complain about her.

I wish someone had said that to me rather than the obsessive pushing of breast is best above anything, including a mothers mental health. YABVU.

@Frazzledmum123 so your doctor/consultant has told you the epidural directly caused the c section or you took the correlation between contractions and epidural to assume it did? realistically you could’ve refused an epidural and still not progressed and needed a c-section.

You are being so unreasonable!

she sounds great to me and what she said to you was completely accurate!

she can’t win with you really…if she’d have told you to continue when so upset etc you wouldn’t have liked that much either would you?

you and you alone decided to stop breastfeeding…and that’s fine!

YABVVVU

I think she sounds very supportive. If a breastfeeding coordinator had said “you absolutely cannot give up, breastfeeding is EVERYTHING,” then that would have been something to complain about. Crikey.

YABVU
She helped you as much as she could. She also tried to make sure you knew that you had a choice. She also tried to make sure that you didn't feel guilty for not being able to breastfeed. Making a complaint would be very unreasonable. Why does someone have to be 'to blame' for you using bottles?