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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help.

152 replies

Ryza · 24/04/2022 07:42

Good Morning 👋

I REALLY need help with this one, I will try and keep it as short as possible.

My DS12 is currently in his first year of secondary school.

He has settled in very well 🙂

The issue is regarding another child in my sons class, we will refer him as X.

Just for the record, I don’t feel the least bit comfortable discussing another persons child on a parenting group.

During the first few weeks of the beginning of term, DS told me that there is a boy in his class that doesn’t come across as a nice person and that his friends and a few other boys discreetly make fun of him.

He said that he always steps in and tells them to leave him alone and to be kind, he had also tried to take the time out and speak to him, but he just tells him to go away.

That particular day, he had said that for the first time at lunch break, he spoke to X and he actually seemed like a nice person, and that he would like to be X friend because he doesn’t have any.

Fast forwarding

My mum collects DS from school, so does X mum and the pair of them became friendly with one another.

DS went to X house twice before I met mum, who seemed lovely so did X.

She let me know that X has always found it hard to make friends, never had friends home from school, and that she is happy and relieved that he has finally found someone.

During half-team DS was invited out to attend some VERY expensive activities and days out with X (very wealthy family) I let him go, because mum is lovely and I trust her with DS.

On Wednesday, DS didn’t want to go to school (which is very unusual) it took a while for him to tell me what was wrong.

X had sent him text messages threatening to kill him and our family, he if doesn’t stop speaking to his best friend which he has known since Prep.

I asked him if this was the first time he had ever been nasty to him, it turns out that it isn’t.

DS said sometimes at school, X pinches him under the table, but he always apologises.

I have asked him to write down what other nasty things X has said/done to him.

X gets upset when we play a game and he loses, so I always let him win.

X doesn’t like me playing with my other friends online, I try and include him but he says he doesn’t want to join, because I’m playing with my other friends.

X calls me stupid sometimes for no reason, but always apologises.

I believe that mum is aware of what X is like, and when I come to think about it, it’s almost as if she has been bribing my son with expensive activities, days out and trips.

He has asked me not to tell X mum or anyone else, would it be unreasonable of me to raise this issue with the school and show them the texts?
school more than likely would ask X to leave.

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 24/04/2022 07:52

Omg. Of course you should show the school - immediately!

Ryza · 24/04/2022 08:15

britneyisfree · 24/04/2022 07:52

Omg. Of course you should show the school - immediately!

Thanks for replying.

Should I approach mum as well, or just to straight to the school?

And also, should I let DS know too as he doesn’t want me to tell anyone?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 08:19

You have to safeguard your son, so tell him this, and tell school.
Normally I’d say have a word with mum first, but a threat to kill is a different thing entirely.

Schmz · 24/04/2022 08:20

Inform school
not the mum
make sure school don’t do anything like ‘mediate’ without you involved or question your ds without you -
he is likely to feel betrayed by you but you have no option

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 08:23

Take it through the school. Don't contact the mum

Be firm with the school and don't let them fob you off

Ryza · 24/04/2022 08:27

Thank you!

I feel literally sick, and so sad for DS that he has suffered in silence and still wants to protect X who has essentially been bullying him.

School is a very well known school I am confident that they will deal with the issue.

I feel like this is going to cause conflict between me and mum and also X and DS. I don’t want DS going to school feeling anxious.

OP posts:
bellabasset · 24/04/2022 08:34

It's difficult for you but I doubt the situation would improve if you do nothing. Not only do you have to safeguard your ds but X needs to learn how to behave. As @Schmz suggests ask the school to discuss any action they want to take if it involves 'mediation' including your ds.

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 08:38

Don't let them do mediation.

Use the words duty of care a lot. And what are you going to do to keep DS safe

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 08:39

Good heavens op

do NOT go to the child’s mother

let the school know. Simple as that. Not to let them know would be grossly irresponsible

DolphinaPD · 24/04/2022 08:42

I'd speak to the mother first, she's the parent.

BobHadBitchTits · 24/04/2022 08:47

Always go via school.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 08:48

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 08:38

Don't let them do mediation.

Use the words duty of care a lot. And what are you going to do to keep DS safe

Thank you!

I am so angry, I know it may sound horrible but the best outcome would be for X to be permanently excluded.

My DS went out of his way to be kind and look out for X and this is what he has got in return. I am not actually sure how DS is feeling inside.

I will speak to him soon and tell him that I’m going to have to tell the school. X still had the audacity to message DS on Saturday morning asking if he would like to go round to his house.

OP posts:
Ryza · 24/04/2022 08:49

DolphinaPD · 24/04/2022 08:42

I'd speak to the mother first, she's the parent.

Others have advised me not to, and I am not too sure on how she will react!

Of course I want to tell her what X has been up to.

OP posts:
Hurstlandshome · 24/04/2022 08:49

Mum and school, for me. Why blindside his Mum? It's great that you have confidence in the school but if they don't deal with it to yours/your sons satisfaction you'll have nowhere to go and no relationship with the Mum to support a resolve.

X has not been kind to your son but you could be kind to his Mum and at least give her the heads up.

Sleepeatrepeat · 24/04/2022 08:52

As a school governor please do not confront the parent on this.

The school will have specific cyber bullying procedures that will need to be followed.

You need to raise it with the school, ypu mention prep so I assume private schooling here...does your ds have a pastoral contact like a house master or such? They would be my first port of call. If not you need to ask to speak to the safeguarding lead.

Download all the messages, print them off but do not delete them. The school will need to see both sides of the conversations.

Hope your ds is OK.

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 08:54

X is unlikely to be permanently excluded for this as a one off. You need to keep reporting if it continues and keep pushing the school.

If they're over the age of criminal responsibility go to the police.

Hurstlandshome · 24/04/2022 09:02

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 08:54

X is unlikely to be permanently excluded for this as a one off. You need to keep reporting if it continues and keep pushing the school.

If they're over the age of criminal responsibility go to the police.

Agree. And with wealthy parents could they be donors? If X is not excluded OPs son will have to face him everyday. I would advocate building relations rather than creating more friction.

Giving X's Mum the heads up does not have to be confrontational.

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 09:04

As a certain parent of 3 who have all been bullied - going to the parent never ends well.

Clarinet1 · 24/04/2022 09:07

Your poor DS - he sounds like such a nice boy befriending someone on his own. I definitely think tell the school - either the designated safeguarding head or his head
of house/year or whatever. When it has been dealt with I suggest chatting to DS about being careful about setting boundaries with
people he comes into contact with - being nice to someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with bad treatment from them.

UmbilicusProfundus · 24/04/2022 09:09

such a tough situation, I’m sorry. Also as it sounds like you have some kind of relationship with X mum (which is often not the case and it is then easier to go straight to the school).

I just wanted to say that even though your son asked you not to say anything, he will always be grateful that you did. Speaking from experience…

Threetulips · 24/04/2022 09:12

I would speak to school first and send them the messages.

I wouldn’t necessarily go to the parent, at this stage.

Kids do seem to have a sixth sense about others, especially bullies, so I’d suggest you speak to your son about this and how he can handle a similar situation in future. He doesn’t have to rescue others, that isn’t his job. He needs to move away from this child wether they are excluded or not. Block on messages, unfriend on XBox, and ignore at school. Teachers should be made aware and move seats so he can’t sit with him.

KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 09:23

Do not speak to this child’s parent about it. Safeguarding is needed.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 09:25

Yes it’s a selective private school, DS is a day student, we chose private education for DS to protect him from nasty children like X

It makes me wonder why X even got offered a place, surely there must have been problems at his previous school?

It all makes sense to why X has never had friends before; and I don’t understand why mum hasn’t got to the root of the problem.

DS seems fine this morning, I can’t even tell DH what has happened!

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 09:27

Private school won't ever protect from nasty children.

If x has special needs then he needs support.

Vidax · 24/04/2022 09:30

DS seems fine this morning, I can’t even tell DH what has happened

Why are you hiding this from DH?