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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help.

152 replies

Ryza · 24/04/2022 07:42

Good Morning 👋

I REALLY need help with this one, I will try and keep it as short as possible.

My DS12 is currently in his first year of secondary school.

He has settled in very well 🙂

The issue is regarding another child in my sons class, we will refer him as X.

Just for the record, I don’t feel the least bit comfortable discussing another persons child on a parenting group.

During the first few weeks of the beginning of term, DS told me that there is a boy in his class that doesn’t come across as a nice person and that his friends and a few other boys discreetly make fun of him.

He said that he always steps in and tells them to leave him alone and to be kind, he had also tried to take the time out and speak to him, but he just tells him to go away.

That particular day, he had said that for the first time at lunch break, he spoke to X and he actually seemed like a nice person, and that he would like to be X friend because he doesn’t have any.

Fast forwarding

My mum collects DS from school, so does X mum and the pair of them became friendly with one another.

DS went to X house twice before I met mum, who seemed lovely so did X.

She let me know that X has always found it hard to make friends, never had friends home from school, and that she is happy and relieved that he has finally found someone.

During half-team DS was invited out to attend some VERY expensive activities and days out with X (very wealthy family) I let him go, because mum is lovely and I trust her with DS.

On Wednesday, DS didn’t want to go to school (which is very unusual) it took a while for him to tell me what was wrong.

X had sent him text messages threatening to kill him and our family, he if doesn’t stop speaking to his best friend which he has known since Prep.

I asked him if this was the first time he had ever been nasty to him, it turns out that it isn’t.

DS said sometimes at school, X pinches him under the table, but he always apologises.

I have asked him to write down what other nasty things X has said/done to him.

X gets upset when we play a game and he loses, so I always let him win.

X doesn’t like me playing with my other friends online, I try and include him but he says he doesn’t want to join, because I’m playing with my other friends.

X calls me stupid sometimes for no reason, but always apologises.

I believe that mum is aware of what X is like, and when I come to think about it, it’s almost as if she has been bribing my son with expensive activities, days out and trips.

He has asked me not to tell X mum or anyone else, would it be unreasonable of me to raise this issue with the school and show them the texts?
school more than likely would ask X to leave.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 13:06

If he's 12 you should report to the police today.

Valhalla17 · 24/04/2022 13:16

You can't possibly have any idea if the kid would ever attempt to follow through on the threats or not. Yes they may just be words, but he has physically hurt your ds already with pinching etc. You have no idea what he might be capable of. Telling your ds and dh is important so they know to be very wary and "alert". Kids have killed before....we see it all the time on the news. It needs to be taken seriously, reported to school and police so that he gets the intervention and help he very clearly needs. His mum seems to just be ignoring it and hoping it will sort itself out given her response.

Vidax · 24/04/2022 13:21

Ryza · 24/04/2022 13:03

The child is not going to do anything, it was his way of obviously trying to scare DS.

What could he possibly do? He is 12!

I would be furious if DS & DH kept this from me!

But it's ok for you to keep it from DH?

PonyPatter44 · 24/04/2022 13:28

With the very greatest respect, I know a lot more than you do about children who commit serious assault and even murder. Threats to kill need to be taken very seriously, even from 12 year olds.

What will you say if DS accidentally lets slip to his dad or one of his brothers?

PrincessPaws · 24/04/2022 13:34

*To be honest with you, if I were to tell DH he would go to X house and assault the father of X.

DH is not a person to tolerate any form of nastiness or bullying.*

Yet would act like this himself?

Schmz · 24/04/2022 13:38

Me too - over and out - you phoned the mother and that’s not helped …doh !!
you can’t talk to your DH because he can’t be trusted not to commit assault -
what a shit show !!!
but I’m sure your wealth will keep your ds away from nasty people …. Oh the irony !!!

BeerLoas · 24/04/2022 13:40

Also a school governor. You never go to the parents to resolve.

If the Mum knows, as you suggest, she clearly hasn’t been able to affect change in X’s behaviour so why would she now be able? This child needs an intervention beyond the parents. Also how do you know they are not the source of the problem sorry to say.

I get you don’t want to appear to go behind her back but your only duty of care here is to your son. If she challenges you for any reason, you simply say I raised with school as per their policy (I’m sure it is). You could stop there or also add threatening to kill is beyond a usual childhood disagreement and I’m not equipped to deal with it.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 13:43

Vidax · 24/04/2022 13:21

But it's ok for you to keep it from DH?

No, it’s not ok.

But you just don’t understand what he could lead to, DH would go to X home!

OP posts:
BeerLoas · 24/04/2022 13:44

My bad. By the time I posted I saw some of your updates.

Your attitude is really worrying. Private schools don’t deal with bullying better, where on earth do you have that idea. ‘DH’ doesn’t pay for the fees, the household does. You can’t tell your DH as he’s violent. Wow - you have host of other issues here beyond this one.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 13:45

PonyPatter44 · 24/04/2022 13:28

With the very greatest respect, I know a lot more than you do about children who commit serious assault and even murder. Threats to kill need to be taken very seriously, even from 12 year olds.

What will you say if DS accidentally lets slip to his dad or one of his brothers?

He will not let it slip, our other children are only aged 6 & 8.

Again, I know I should tell DH but it just will not end well.

X is parents will more than likely call the police on DH

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 24/04/2022 13:56

What could X do. Well, for a start there are such things as knives and kids stabbing other kids is hardly unheard of. You have ignored advice on not talking to the mother, you have a violent husband who seems incapable of acting in his child's best interests (assaulting people and getting a criminal record helps no one), and you are minimising the risk X poses. Maybe start listening to advice from posters here who know what they are talking about?

Ihatethenewlook · 24/04/2022 14:02

You know 12 year olds have actually killed? I’d with your husband on this one

Ryza · 24/04/2022 14:03

I’m sorry, I know this may be very frustrating for those and yourself who have taken the time out to try and help me.

I am going to call the non emergency line now, you’re right I do not know this child and what he is capable of.

I will see about speaking to DH about this too!

OP posts:
DeanStockwelllsBunny · 24/04/2022 14:37

Can I ask why you completely ignored the advise of many of the PP that said do not go to X's mum before speaking to the school ?

Now X's mum is forewarned and can come up with lots of reasons ( genuine or not ) as to why her son behaves so badly, also X can now take it out on your DS as I really can not see the school been able to intervene before X and your DS see each other on Monday morning.

What happens if your DS tells your DH what has been going on and says that you knew about it , will you DH have a go at you too ? Your DH needs to sort out his aggression , going round and assaulting the DD of X will not solve anything and is likely to inflame things.

You say that X is 12 yrs old so 'what can he do' do you mean could he actually kill /seriously assault/ injure you DS ? while I accept that a lot of 12 yr olds say things they do not really mean , yes 12 yr olds do and have killed and it is naïve to think that just because they are at a good school that they wont .

What do you want the school to do now ?
You need to be factual and straight forward when you speak to them tomorrow and ask for a update as to what they are going to do by the end of the school . day.

DeanStockwelllsBunny · 24/04/2022 14:40

Ah I cross posted with a few there

CrowAndArrow · 24/04/2022 14:50

I'm astounded that you couldn't tell your DP about this because of his actions. What kind of man is he ?

Ryza · 24/04/2022 14:54

DH doesn’t have anger or aggression issues, if he did I wouldn’t have had 3 children with him.

He just isn’t a person to tolerate any form of disrespect.

To be honest, I no longer feel any sympathy for X or his mother.

I’ve called 101 for advice, they said I should have notified the school straight away, and the most they can do is visit the child in question and have a chat with him, I really don’t want to send the police to their home.

I would personally like the school to exclude X not permanently, but he needs to know that he can not bully my child and get away with it.

I feel as if DS is a little bit on edge right now, but I’ve assured him things will be ok.

OP posts:
newbiename · 24/04/2022 14:58

I'm sorry this is happening to your son.
But you're very unreasonable to suggest going private would protect him from 'nasty' children.
You get nice and nasty people in all walks of life.

newbiename · 24/04/2022 15:02

So your husband won't tolerate anyone bullying your child but he'd go round and assault the boy's father ???? So it's ok for him to bully someone ?

PonyPatter44 · 24/04/2022 15:04

If you want the school to handle it, why haven't you contacted the school? You're messing about talking to other mums, when you could have spent the time writing a RAGING email to the school, followed up with a phone call to the school in the morning.

If your DH has no self-control, and resorts to violence if he feels he is being "disrespected" 🙄that is a separate issue that he needs to get help for.

HalloVegBot · 24/04/2022 15:14

Speaking from experience you're very wrong when you say private schools do more for wellbeing and tackling bullying. They do not because that means they have to spend more of their money, not Gov funded, and might have to exclude children who pay their fees. ..

Ryza · 24/04/2022 16:55

PonyPatter44 · 24/04/2022 15:04

If you want the school to handle it, why haven't you contacted the school? You're messing about talking to other mums, when you could have spent the time writing a RAGING email to the school, followed up with a phone call to the school in the morning.

If your DH has no self-control, and resorts to violence if he feels he is being "disrespected" 🙄that is a separate issue that he needs to get help for.

I didn’t contact the school because DS didn’t want me to.

I not long received a phone call from X mum apologising again and crying down the phone, she asked if me and DS would come round a resolve the problem.

She told X that I had called and he keeps trying to harm himself, she claims he has smashed his head again the door a few times already, I know this may sound horrible, but he is not my problem.

I can’t believe what is happening, this is really stressing me out, no doubt X will not be at school tomorrow.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 16:59

I didn’t contact the school because DS didn’t want me to.

fine if 16
but he’s not
as a parent we sometimes do things our children don’t want us to do because we understand what is actually the best approach

and to have this child’s mother wailing on the phone to you and offering up her son… is messy, dramatic and unlikely to benefit your son in the slightest

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:00

I not long received a phone call from X mum apologising again and crying down the phone, she asked if me and DS would come round a resolve the problem.

She told X that I had called and he keeps trying to harm himself, she claims he has smashed his head again the door a few times already, I know this may sound horrible, but he is not my problem.

by going to the mother you have made it your problem
and sadly your child’s too

Annoyedandirritated · 24/04/2022 17:03

The boy sounds as though he has problems that he needs help with, maybe the school Will facilitate some mental health support for him. I can’t imagine they would just expel him though