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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help.

152 replies

Ryza · 24/04/2022 07:42

Good Morning 👋

I REALLY need help with this one, I will try and keep it as short as possible.

My DS12 is currently in his first year of secondary school.

He has settled in very well 🙂

The issue is regarding another child in my sons class, we will refer him as X.

Just for the record, I don’t feel the least bit comfortable discussing another persons child on a parenting group.

During the first few weeks of the beginning of term, DS told me that there is a boy in his class that doesn’t come across as a nice person and that his friends and a few other boys discreetly make fun of him.

He said that he always steps in and tells them to leave him alone and to be kind, he had also tried to take the time out and speak to him, but he just tells him to go away.

That particular day, he had said that for the first time at lunch break, he spoke to X and he actually seemed like a nice person, and that he would like to be X friend because he doesn’t have any.

Fast forwarding

My mum collects DS from school, so does X mum and the pair of them became friendly with one another.

DS went to X house twice before I met mum, who seemed lovely so did X.

She let me know that X has always found it hard to make friends, never had friends home from school, and that she is happy and relieved that he has finally found someone.

During half-team DS was invited out to attend some VERY expensive activities and days out with X (very wealthy family) I let him go, because mum is lovely and I trust her with DS.

On Wednesday, DS didn’t want to go to school (which is very unusual) it took a while for him to tell me what was wrong.

X had sent him text messages threatening to kill him and our family, he if doesn’t stop speaking to his best friend which he has known since Prep.

I asked him if this was the first time he had ever been nasty to him, it turns out that it isn’t.

DS said sometimes at school, X pinches him under the table, but he always apologises.

I have asked him to write down what other nasty things X has said/done to him.

X gets upset when we play a game and he loses, so I always let him win.

X doesn’t like me playing with my other friends online, I try and include him but he says he doesn’t want to join, because I’m playing with my other friends.

X calls me stupid sometimes for no reason, but always apologises.

I believe that mum is aware of what X is like, and when I come to think about it, it’s almost as if she has been bribing my son with expensive activities, days out and trips.

He has asked me not to tell X mum or anyone else, would it be unreasonable of me to raise this issue with the school and show them the texts?
school more than likely would ask X to leave.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 24/04/2022 17:06

Ryza · 24/04/2022 16:55

I didn’t contact the school because DS didn’t want me to.

I not long received a phone call from X mum apologising again and crying down the phone, she asked if me and DS would come round a resolve the problem.

She told X that I had called and he keeps trying to harm himself, she claims he has smashed his head again the door a few times already, I know this may sound horrible, but he is not my problem.

I can’t believe what is happening, this is really stressing me out, no doubt X will not be at school tomorrow.

And you are still hiding all this from your DH?

I hope you are not telling your DS to withhold information from his father, especially something as serious as a death threat. That is an unforgivable position you would be putting him in

ilovesooty · 24/04/2022 17:12

I hope you are planning to inform the school first thing tomorrow, and tell your husband what is going on.

jimboandthejetset · 24/04/2022 17:12

My lord this has got messy now. Please don't engage with the mum again, and please tell your husband!

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 17:18

You should have put it in the hands of the school and the police.

What a mess.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:21

I can’t believe what is happening, this is really stressing me out, no doubt X will not be at school tomorrow.

yes op
you should absolutely feel stressed
you have made this a shit show

FloraPostePosts · 24/04/2022 17:31
  1. The school is vanishingly unlikely to expel a fee paying pupil.
  2. From experience I can tell you that state schools are far, far better at tackling bullying effectively than fee-paying schools.
  3. The fact your husband is likely to respond with violence if he knows about this issue is one which you should be taking waaay more seriously than you are.
  4. You need to be working together as a family to support your son, not making him keep a horrible secret like this from his father.
Ryza · 24/04/2022 17:32

I have told DH, he is NOT happy. He has told me NOT to involve the police, and the school better fix it tomorrow or he will go there.

He has gone upstairs to speak with DS

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:33

Ryza · 24/04/2022 17:32

I have told DH, he is NOT happy. He has told me NOT to involve the police, and the school better fix it tomorrow or he will go there.

He has gone upstairs to speak with DS

I would be furious if I was your husband

AuthorAccount · 24/04/2022 17:35

If wealth were any guarantee of quality of character, we wouldn’t have the shit show known as the Tory party.

Your son sounds kind and I’m sorry this is happening to him. You need to speak to the school. Try not to engage with his mum again.

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 17:42

Oh dear. What a mess.

Why aren't you up there with your husband? He seems rather volatile and I'd be concerned for your DS mental well being. This needs handling with kid gloves

jimboandthejetset · 24/04/2022 17:45

Ryza · 24/04/2022 17:32

I have told DH, he is NOT happy. He has told me NOT to involve the police, and the school better fix it tomorrow or he will go there.

He has gone upstairs to speak with DS

Ok so you and your DH together can engage with the school tomorrow and go from there. Your poor DS, I hope your DH behaves as he should with him over this, and not blame him as you implied earlier that he might.

ilovesooty · 24/04/2022 17:51

He has told me NOT to involve the police

Why?

And what is his implied threat to the school about?

I hope your son is OK.

TrundleWheel · 24/04/2022 18:02

This is incredible.

You think that no nasty children go to private schools?

You are scared that your husband might threaten or hurt another parent.

Your husband is now making veiled threats about the school.

You didn't immediately tell the school about the issues.

Jesus christ.

Thus has been handled so badly it's untrue.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 18:10

There were no “nasty” children at DS previous school, and he has never had any issues with the children at his new school, he has made a lot of friends and is rather popular.

Like I said above, the other children in his class make fun out of X and it’s always my child who diffuses the situation.

Yes, I was scared that DH might hurt the father of X.

If DS was the perpetrator, DH would be very ashamed of the behaviour.

I did not inform the school because DS asked me not to.

DH has spoken to him DS, he said that he just told him if someone has upset him that he MUST tell him straight away.

OP posts:
villamariavintrapp · 24/04/2022 18:35

Sorry this is happening to your son. But your DH really does need to sort his anger problem out. How confusing for your son to have his father telling him that he must be told about anything like this in future and his mother telling him he mustn't tell his father! It's going to be very difficult for him to learn good ways to negotiate these kind of situations for himself.

Bunce1 · 24/04/2022 18:46

Glad you told your DH. Finally.

Perhaps reflect on how badly you have handled this situation, it’s a bit of a mess.

Parentcarerandcrazy · 24/04/2022 19:08

itsgettingweird · 24/04/2022 10:26

Selective means academic.

You have been extremely naive thinking that academic means nice. Private education is filled with people who often have no understanding of normal ways of life (you've mentioned wealth) and therefore have not learnt social norms (as you've mentioned they buy ds with expensive trips)

But you need to go to the school. You need to give them a chance to deal with it and make it very clear that you can and will go to the police if needs be.

Absolutely agree with this.

Pinkflipflop85 · 24/04/2022 19:10

Sounds like DS may never open up to you again after this shit show.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 20:01

Pinkflipflop85 · 24/04/2022 19:10

Sounds like DS may never open up to you again after this shit show.

He is ok, I have spoken to him.

He says that he feels safe and that he was worried before, but now he feels ok. I told him he needs to stop worrying about X.

I am dreading going into school tomorrow, I will piece together what I am going to say!

OP posts:
BeerLoas · 24/04/2022 20:07

OP I’ve just come back to this thread and have to say I’m really disappointed. You had very solid and sound advice and chose not to take; I even suggested to you this child needs an intervention before your latest update.

What is manifesting itself as bullying to your DS is unravelling as an even more concerning situation with him self harming. It’s sounds like the mum has not handled this well either, although who knows what she is really dealing with behind closed doors.

You now need to move on to rebuilding the trust with DS and communication with school, but one thing is what you would like to happen (he gets expelled or excluded) is probably very unlikely as this is a whole other behavioural/assessment/ safeguarding issue for child X.

I hope it gets resolved for both the children’s sake and all adults have reflected on their own behaviour.

Ryza · 24/04/2022 20:54

Sorry you feel that way, I have taken all advice expect not to get the police involved.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 20:58

Ryza · 24/04/2022 20:54

Sorry you feel that way, I have taken all advice expect not to get the police involved.

You were explicitly told not to contact the parents of x. You did.

Bunce1 · 24/04/2022 21:14

This is so hilarious.

slow hand clap- this woeful tale provided some diversion.

Rememberall · 24/04/2022 21:15

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 20:58

You were explicitly told not to contact the parents of x. You did.

Crikey, the OP doesn’t have to do everything she’s “told” to do on here you know 🤨

Ryza · 24/04/2022 21:20

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 20:58

You were explicitly told not to contact the parents of x. You did.

Well I did!

I didn’t want her to get a shock.

OP posts:
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