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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help.

152 replies

Ryza · 24/04/2022 07:42

Good Morning 👋

I REALLY need help with this one, I will try and keep it as short as possible.

My DS12 is currently in his first year of secondary school.

He has settled in very well 🙂

The issue is regarding another child in my sons class, we will refer him as X.

Just for the record, I don’t feel the least bit comfortable discussing another persons child on a parenting group.

During the first few weeks of the beginning of term, DS told me that there is a boy in his class that doesn’t come across as a nice person and that his friends and a few other boys discreetly make fun of him.

He said that he always steps in and tells them to leave him alone and to be kind, he had also tried to take the time out and speak to him, but he just tells him to go away.

That particular day, he had said that for the first time at lunch break, he spoke to X and he actually seemed like a nice person, and that he would like to be X friend because he doesn’t have any.

Fast forwarding

My mum collects DS from school, so does X mum and the pair of them became friendly with one another.

DS went to X house twice before I met mum, who seemed lovely so did X.

She let me know that X has always found it hard to make friends, never had friends home from school, and that she is happy and relieved that he has finally found someone.

During half-team DS was invited out to attend some VERY expensive activities and days out with X (very wealthy family) I let him go, because mum is lovely and I trust her with DS.

On Wednesday, DS didn’t want to go to school (which is very unusual) it took a while for him to tell me what was wrong.

X had sent him text messages threatening to kill him and our family, he if doesn’t stop speaking to his best friend which he has known since Prep.

I asked him if this was the first time he had ever been nasty to him, it turns out that it isn’t.

DS said sometimes at school, X pinches him under the table, but he always apologises.

I have asked him to write down what other nasty things X has said/done to him.

X gets upset when we play a game and he loses, so I always let him win.

X doesn’t like me playing with my other friends online, I try and include him but he says he doesn’t want to join, because I’m playing with my other friends.

X calls me stupid sometimes for no reason, but always apologises.

I believe that mum is aware of what X is like, and when I come to think about it, it’s almost as if she has been bribing my son with expensive activities, days out and trips.

He has asked me not to tell X mum or anyone else, would it be unreasonable of me to raise this issue with the school and show them the texts?
school more than likely would ask X to leave.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 21:22

That was unwise. As was not contacting the police.

Your husband doesn't seem to be capable of handling this in a mature way. That is unfortunate.

Merryoldgoat · 24/04/2022 21:28

This is the most bizarre thread.

A privileged, supposedly intelligent person acting the complete opposite.

QueenCamilla · 24/04/2022 21:36

At 11 yo I was sexually assaulted by my Granddad's friend. I didn't tell anyone because one way or another I'd come to believe that my Grandad would go and kill that man. I didn't want to be the one who put my Grandad in prison.

I hope you see the relevance.

TolkiensFallow · 24/04/2022 21:46

I think you’ve been reasonable op

Ryza · 24/04/2022 21:47

QueenCamilla · 24/04/2022 21:36

At 11 yo I was sexually assaulted by my Granddad's friend. I didn't tell anyone because one way or another I'd come to believe that my Grandad would go and kill that man. I didn't want to be the one who put my Grandad in prison.

I hope you see the relevance.

So sorry to hear this, sending 🤗 your way.

OP posts:
Ryza · 24/04/2022 21:49

TolkiensFallow · 24/04/2022 21:46

I think you’ve been reasonable op

Thank you.

It’s been a very stressful day, I’ve put DS to bed after assuring him everything will be ok.

OP posts:
UmbilicusProfundus · 24/04/2022 22:13

Evidently money doesn’t bring you class or common sense 😑

Bunce1 · 24/04/2022 22:37

Someone who shared their sexual abuse story- you reply with jazz hands??

Christ alive.

FloraPostePosts · 24/04/2022 22:45

Bunce1 · 24/04/2022 22:37

Someone who shared their sexual abuse story- you reply with jazz hands??

Christ alive.

No comment on the message, but that’s not jazz hands - it’s the ‘hug’ emoji.

AMoon18 · 24/04/2022 23:06

So sorry your family is going through this, it must be incredibly stressful.

I hope that your DS, yourself and DH can get it all sorted tomorrow.

you have handled it the best way you knew how with varying advice I imagine from your DS friends mom and posters on here

We can only learn from our experiences and do better next time. Dont be too hard on yourself.

Very easy for others to tell you what to do etc but it's your life. We don't know your DH or your situation.

The advise given was very good and hopefully it will get sorted quickly, X will get some much needed support and further negative behaviour or escalations can be avoided.

Maybe need to reflect on things that have been discussed. Especially with children feeling they can be open and honest with you parents and not to keep secrets.

You are obviously doing lots right by the sounds of your very kind & brave DS who stuck up for X in the first place which I imagine going against peers wasn't easy. I hope youre really proud of him

HappyAsLarry2022 · 24/04/2022 23:32

X needs professional help

QueenCamilla · 24/04/2022 23:57

@Ryza I've worked through it now, thank you. Just shows how having a volatile protector of a man ( no matter how well intended ) can lead to secrecy around troubles. You're experiencing that yourself and it will definitely have an impact on your son too.

X sounds troubled - there's very strong indicators of borderline personality disorder. I wouldn't call him or his mother manipulative, it must be an extremely difficult and painful situation. They definitely should be using funds available to them for accessing help. Anything else would be neglectful. I hope the school points the parents that way.

Sorry you've been dragged into it OP. 🌻🌼

ThreeLocusts · 25/04/2022 00:16

Gosh you thought all the nasty children were in state schools? Have you seen the current cabinet?

Beyond the point I know but this mindset is really unhelpful in all sorts of ways.

Shedcity · 25/04/2022 00:37

I’m not sure why you think private school means nice
rather than rich
or do you think they’re the same thing?
interesting from someone who’s husband can’t be included in important conversations because he may assault someone.

I am obviously sorry to hear what’s happening to DS, but was also mortified reading your posts at what you must be teaching DS between you

PennyRoyal · 25/04/2022 13:58

Bunce1 · 24/04/2022 22:37

Someone who shared their sexual abuse story- you reply with jazz hands??

Christ alive.

I think OP probably meant a hug?

jimboandthejetset · 25/04/2022 17:57

@Ryza what happened today when you spoke to the school?

Ryza · 25/04/2022 18:00

Update

Went into school this morning, they were great! X will be placed in another class.

As I expected X didn’t attend school today.

OP posts:
jimboandthejetset · 25/04/2022 21:31

That's good, but I hope they're doing more with X than just changing his class. And I hope you're DS will be able to avoid him. I assume he's blocked his mobile number?

Ryza · 25/04/2022 21:48

jimboandthejetset · 25/04/2022 21:31

That's good, but I hope they're doing more with X than just changing his class. And I hope you're DS will be able to avoid him. I assume he's blocked his mobile number?

DS has said that he no longer wants to be his friend, and every time he sees X he will just annoy him.

He had a great day at school today, and has went to bed happy excited for tomorrow.

DH is also happy that the school are dealing with it rapidly.

OP posts:
Fr0thandBubble · 25/04/2022 21:56

we chose private education for DS to protect him from nasty children like X

OP what an awful thing to write. Children at state school are no more "nasty" than children at private school.

Fr0thandBubble · 25/04/2022 22:03

No not at all, meaning that I am white from rather privileged background, so our morals and thinking aren’t the same.

Geez OP, come on... you are white so you have different morals to a black person? What on earth?

Ryza · 26/04/2022 08:51

Fr0thandBubble · 25/04/2022 22:03

No not at all, meaning that I am white from rather privileged background, so our morals and thinking aren’t the same.

Geez OP, come on... you are white so you have different morals to a black person? What on earth?

I didn’t mean it like that!

Stop trying to make something out of nothing?

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 09:57

Well I certainly hope you have better communication skills when engaging in RL!

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 09:57

Well I certainly hope you have better communication skills when engaging in RL!

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 09:58

Well I certainly hope you have better communication skills when engaging in RL!

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