To worry my daughter will be ugly like me?

[Sadandworriedmummy]

I am not an attractive woman and I have a very attractive partner. When I show people his photo, they are genuinely flabbergasted and comment on how good looking he is.

We are fortunate to have a happy and healthy son who looks just like his handsome father. I am pregnant again and we have learned this is a girl. I’m absolutely petrified she’ll come out looking like me and have to deal with the taunts and insecurities that go along with being an unattractive woman.

I suffered infertility so it seems so stupid to worry about this. I know that I wish only for a happy and healthy baby. But at the same time I know how much unpleasantness I experienced because of my looks and hate to think of her going through that. Has anyone else experienced this? 😔

I’m sorry you feel this way. I have no constructive advice so I hope someone will come along to make you feel better.

What is attractive OP?

It's individual for a start everyone has their own preference. Your partner obviously thinks your beautiful and I think once you get to 30 personality out weighs someone's looks tbh especially when you have kids. Don't put yourself down!

I'm sorry you feel this way. I think you should speak to someone as you are projecting your past experiences which is not good for your child - you are you, they are them. Even if they did have looks not commonly perceived as beautiful, people are individually valuable and amazing.

So I suggest getting counselling.

Well you can’t be that unattractive OP your husband clearly likes you.

The only ugly people are the ones who are ugly from within, unkind, mean etc. you may not have classic movie star looks but that does not make you ugly.

do you have time for yourself to make you feel lovely, relaxed etc. you sound like you need some confidence boosting.

I resemble my dad a lot, in that he had distinctive nose & lips.

You must remember, it’s not a rule that boys end up looking like their dads and girls like their mums. Your children are a mixture of both of your genes, and end up looking in a unique to them way.

She might inherit some features from you but she won’t end up looking anywhere near like you. I hardly see people who look like their parents.

My husband comes from a family of very broad/big people with quite coarse and masculine features - which is mostly okay on the men but often very unflattering on the women.

My family's body type tends to work on both sexes (average weight and tall).

My husband was always worried any daughter of us would look like his side and get the unflattering combination.

Well, our son looks like me and our daughter like him. It's been absolutely fine. I think we both still kind of tacitly realise it would have been more to her advantage to have had my side of the family, but now that she is here looks are only one very small part of the package of advantages/disadvantages she inherited from us. Her brother is prettier but she is mentally sturdier, for example. So it's all a wash. I think before they/ she was born you tend to focus more on what they'll look like because it's one of the few things you can concretely imagine. Turns out once you have them, you think they're gorgeous anyway (I really have to make myself consciously look to still "see" she's probably objectively not the prettier kid in the class) and also, there's so much more to her that it legitimately just doesn't. matter.

It’s not always the case children look like one parent mine are a mix. My sister and I each has a child who look like each of us (one of mine looks like her and one of hers looks like me!) my cousin s DD1 and my sisters DD1 are very alike also.

I am sure you aren’t unattractive though. I feel for you but I think you are being hard on yourself

She will have approximately 50% of each of your dna so will look like a blend on you, randomly picking up characteristics of you both

It is ultimately irrelevant and also something you have absolutely no control over - so there is zero value dedicating any headspace to it

As above clearly you managed to attract a sex bomb so I am sure she could do the same, if that is something she elects to do

One of my dearest and oldest friends is not conventionally pretty- strong featured. She met a drop dead gorgeous boy when she was 15 and is still happily married to him 40 years on. They have a herd of stunning and happy dcs.
She was and is confident, positive and driven. Fierce parents who had her corner at every turn and encouraged her. That’s what you as a mother can do and I do advise counselling to help you understand yourself and how to bring up your dc.

Why worry? You can't change it, so pointless worrying. You need to work on your own self esteem, so as to not pass this onto her, that would be more damaging! I'm no beauty, but I scrub up well, never bothered me!

I think honestly it's natural to worry about things like that. I worried about having a dd who would grow up fat like me. I ended up with an incredible sporty slim ds which was unexpected.
However I am sure you are not as plain as you think you are. Even if you aren't model worthy, most people aren't, and your handsome husband clearly likes your looks :)
your dd will not look exactly like you. She'll be her own person and you'll find her beautiful.

I don’t think you will look at your daughter and not think she is beautiful. It might even teach you to accept some of your own beautiful features. Having said that….Bring her up to know that her worth is more than skin deep. That who she is matters and is what she will be loved for.

I'm jealous of you. I'll take you at face value. All the absolute best relationships I know are either two unattractive people, or one. Because their love is nothing to do with looks. It's absolutely real. I'm dating and am only interested in good looking men, I really really wish I wasn't, but it stems from being attractive myself and needing that validation I've had my whole life. So, what I'm saying, is that there are some huge benefits to not being attractive, possibly not as a child, but there certainly is as an adult. Please try not to worry about it op.

My dd is a real mix of dh and me. You are not ugly op. Most of us are all very average looking, some a little more and some a little less attractive but firmly in the average. I was pretty as a teen/ young woman and most women and girls are the same.

There are very few magnificently beautiful people. But beauty comes from within. I find people, who are kind, caring and loving somehow become more attractive and appealing.

I have always thought I was quite ugly but when I look back at old photos I actually wasn't.

You're not thinking straight and very harsh on yourself.

Beauty is subjective.

You're a caring kind loving DM worrying unnecessarily for your DD future.

I've yet to meet an ugly person, there is so such thing within a beautiful kind DM.
Beauty isn't skin deep.

I think your fears will go when your baby is here

You don’t worry about your Ds and it’ll likely be the same feelings for your dd

if you do recognise your own features try not to pass self doubt on, she will be her own person and could be without the same insecurities

Your daughter, like your son, will be 50% you and 50% the dad. Nature mixes up the genes to choose the best combination. The chances of an attractive parent having an ugly child are pretty low.

But even if their features aren’t the best, anyone can look attractive if they do lots of exercise. No one is 100% ugly unless they let themselves get completely unhealthy.

It worries me thet you refer to yourself as ugly, ok so you’re not as hot as your husband but clearly you’re attractive enough thet he has sex with you, so you can’t be hideous! I shspect you have some idealised image in your head thet you think women should look like, for example Dosney movies tell us that women should have teeny noses and men have giant noses and huge jaw, it’s very odd.

I’d suggest some counselling to help yourself recognise the good things about how you look.

1. i never believe posters who claim their partner is attractive and they are UNattractive. Just dont believe it. I bet you are both averagely attractive.

You have elevated him and relegated yrslf.

Id say my DD is averagely attractive like i am but she has a healthier and stronger sense of her self.

It's all about self esteem. Thats what gives you a good life. A beautiful woman with no sense of her own self, where does it get her, only a better looking entitled lazy selfish boyfriend.

Personality and character are really important and the best thing you can do for your daughter no matter what she looks like is teach her that. Teach her to be confident in her own skin, to ignore unnecessary criticism and to be proud of the person she sees in the mirror.

As the saying goes looks fade.

I get it OP because I have a feature on my face that is very unattractive and that I’ve hated my entire life (think massively crooked nose). I contemplated not having kids full stop for this reason when I was younger. As I got older I managed to accept it as part of me and that it made me stand out and not look like everyone else. Since that, I’ve had two children. I’m not going to lie, their nose was one of the first features I looked at, but not in an unloving way. I just had to see if my genetics had come through like I feared. And it has on my beautiful, sassy girl. And you know what - now that I see it on her I’ve accepted my own nose even more. It’s different, unique and makes her her. She is beautiful anyway.
Try not to worry about things we cannot control. Your kids will be amazing no matter what they look like and it will all be perfectly fine.

It’s like worrying about the weather there’s nothing you can do about it except try to ensure she’s confident and secure in herself as far as you can.

Dd2 is basically my mother reincarnated - no telling how the genes will mix. Dh has strong features that look great on men but must admit a mean part of me did hope my girls wouldn’t have his nose - neither did.

Actually dd2 has his slim elegant figure and my mothers features so basically looks like a supermodel.

I think parenting can really highlight our own issues. It’s really important you try and work through your feelings about physical beauty and worth before your kids get older as you don’t want to subconsciously project your issues with that onto them.

i can relate as I’ve struggled with overeating and my weight all my life and if I’m honest feel (irrationally) like it has blighted my whole life experience. I have a massive fear about my kids inheriting those issues. But as a wise friend recently said it’s not being overweight that has affected me it’s how I feel about it and the self loathing. My parents did their best but they definitely played a part in that.

the best gift we can give our kids is helping them to develop good self esteem. I suggest you do some reading about that and also consider some counselling as mentioned up thread.