To worry my daughter will be ugly like me?

[Sadandworriedmummy]

I am not an attractive woman and I have a very attractive partner. When I show people his photo, they are genuinely flabbergasted and comment on how good looking he is.

We are fortunate to have a happy and healthy son who looks just like his handsome father. I am pregnant again and we have learned this is a girl. I’m absolutely petrified she’ll come out looking like me and have to deal with the taunts and insecurities that go along with being an unattractive woman.

I suffered infertility so it seems so stupid to worry about this. I know that I wish only for a happy and healthy baby. But at the same time I know how much unpleasantness I experienced because of my looks and hate to think of her going through that. Has anyone else experienced this? 😔

Op get some counselling. The bullying you received when young is about the bullies insecurities then your looks. Bullies bully for a wide range of reasons all to do with their own personal shit. Your child will be perfect the way they are, just as you were and are. Everyone has different flaws and imperfections. While beauty is a movable ever changing fashion decade to decade, real beauty is in eye of the beholder. What ever she looks like, teach her to be confident and not tolerate bullies.

There is no such thing.

It is more worrying that you may have a DD who has the same negative view that you do of yourself.
Nothing is more attractive than somene who radiates inner beauty and self acceptance.
In your position I would be seeking counselling to heal and raise my own esteem and confidence- that is what I would be wanting to model to my child.

DH and I are both ugly fuckers and our DS17 looks absolutely like neither of us.

It is natural to worry that the horrible life experiences we have had might be lived by our children. When you love your children you feel what they feel and knowing what being on the receiving end of cruelty feels like means that you would fully empathise and know exactly what you hope she would avoid. I had some unpleasant treatment as a child and feared my own going through similar, but happily so far it hasn't happened. Though some of the factors are there (kind personality some might perceive as soft), others aren't (better school culture and good personal boundaries), so they are living an entirely different childhood, thankfully.
So, I understand your worry. But actually if you think about all the children you know or have known, including yourself, can you think of a single one whose childhood experiences resembled those if their parent much? I know I can't.
So try to put your fears aside, acknowledge them as your pain talking and accept that your old wounds are smarting right now and be gentle and understanding to yourself as you remind yourself that this child has an entire unique life to live and you are going to be there to give her fantastic self esteem, excellent ways to stand up for herself, and an ability to pick out good friends, which if you give her that you her so much more than looks.
Don't forget she also has your awesome example to see that bestriding this world, being valued and taking your place in it to enjoy your life be happy and thrive is not dependant on looks. I think if you have a dd she's going to be OK. 😊

Your thoughts are very common.

I'd forgotten that I worried for DD1 while pregnant 14 yrs ago.
Ddad to tall and broad, his family are bigger it did cause concern but like most things we worry about, it never happens.

Not completely accurate, there is a dominance in genes, so some will dominate others in this mixing pot.

My brother and sister look like my dad - gorgeous. I am a mix between my mum and dad so always felt like the ugly one, so put a lot of effort into studying cos I'm fairly bright. When I got to uni though, blokes just swarmed around me - took none up on the offers, lol!

I still today have issues with how I perceive myself and how attractive I might be.

OP maybe you need some counselling to boost your confidence. There are in fact few people who are physically ugly, loads how are ugly on the inside though!!!

Please let no one bring up that trite Roald Dahl quote 🙄

😭

My son is a mixture of my husband and my brother (who I'm nothing alike!). My daughter is a mixture of my husband, sisters in law and my mum! I didn't get a look in!

However, don't forget that we look at our children through much kinder eyes than when we look at ourselves. Our self perception is made up of so many factors which aren't necessarily present when we look at our kids. You might even see yourself reflected back in your daughter in a way that you never saw before.

In what ways do you not feel attractive op? Maybe you just feel that way but you're not.

I'm not a particularly good looking woman, but I love to exercise and so I am strong and fit and full of energy. I love my body and feel great and don't care at all about my plain face. My good looking DH thinks I am sex on stilts and I am sure your DH finds you very attractive.

My 2 daughters happen to look like my DH, but in any case the main thing is they see me working out and eating healthily and generally valuing myself. That is worth way more than a pretty face.

Confidence and individuality are beautiful. I work with children and every single one is beautiful, believe me. As long as they are themselves. Your daughter will be beautiful and she will think her mum is beautiful too...

You got there before me . Although there was an early reply about inner beauty etc.

We don't know the OP; perhaps they are ugly or are attractive and need to work on their self esteem. But please could posters try to take people at their word when they say they are ugly. We are out here, we know what we are.

I don't have children and don't have any support to offer the OP in that respect, sorry.

I know how you feel. I have insecurities about my appearance and have always worried about seeing them come out in my children.

But try to think about it objectively. Firstly, you are undoubtedly not as unattractive as you think. Secondly, why do you think it will matter if she isn't as attractive as you would like? You don't think you are attractive but you seen to have found a happy relationship and started a family.

Agree with PP, self-esteem will be the best think you can teach your daughter. I once caught myself moaning about something to do with my appearance and one of my DD's said "Stop it Mummy, you look lovely." Made me realise that I was not modelling the right thing for my children and I've tried to be much more positive about my own looks since.

I know! When I was told in Tescos how ugly I was by a complete stranger, funnily enough that Roald Dahl quote really didn't help! So many people dismissing the ops experiences on this thread.

OP, it sounds like you were badly bullied and that this has affected your view of your appearance. I very much doubt that you are unattractive.

it might be worth speaking to a psychotherapist about all this to help you deal with what you experienced. It isn’t normal for someone to be subjected to taunts and unpleasantness on account of their looks (whatever they look like)- it’s bullying and it’s abusive.

I wouldn’t worry about passing on your looks to your daughter- I’m sure you look absolutely fine as will she. I would maybe worry a bit about passing on your insecurities and perhaps a few sessions with a therapist might help you with that.

Yes, OP - and look what happened to 'ugly' you . . . you ended up happily married to a handsome man, gave birth to a lovely son and ended up a loving and caring parent who worries about her children and their happiness.

Well it didn’t hold you back did it? You got a lovely husband.

she will be beautiful to everyone who loves her.

I agree work on your self-esteem because, whatever DD looks like, you don't want to end up uninentionally, and maybe subtly, passing on your insecurities to her, or to end up scrutinising her features and thinking 'Oh no, her eyes are a bit like mine and her chin is a bit like mine...' etc even when they may not be.

But very few people are really 'ugly', I hardly ever see anyone and think they're ugly, do you?

We're both small and I worried about a son being small and all the issues that can bring. Ds is under average 25th centile but he's not tiny and does it matter anyway ?

The important things to teach your daughter, whatever she looks like, are that you love her and other people will love her too. Healthy self esteem means valuing yourself for more than just your looks.

I'm sorry you've been so much and that having a girl is triggering that.

I just want to warn you that my grandmother considered herself ugly (her family brought her up as a boy until she was quite old as they didn't have boys). She passed this onto my mum, who considered herself ugly despite being quite stunning, and shears going on about looks not being important. I've mostly considered myself unattractive sand never 'made the most of' the looks I have. I make a conscious effort with my daughter to compliment her looks, not to be focused on them but to help her with clothes so she's looking good and help her find skin treatments to help her skin. I'll be specific and genuine, like saying she has a great bum or that colour looks great on you, rather than 'just you look nice'. I asked her the other day (very casually in the car) if there's anything she doesn't like about her body and she said her knees!! On the other hand, I also encourage her in many other things. She's clever, hard working, loyal, kind.

My point is a. Be careful not to pass down your own insecurities and

not to 'ignore' looks in attempt

I don't look like my mother at all.
People have over the years actually commented that I must take after my Dad as there is no resemblance at all to my mother (or maternal side).
Thinking of my pre-teen daughter- she doesn't look like me at all either- or her Dad! Family have joked about where we must have found her as there is no resemblance whatsoever.
Looking at her friends there are actually very few who look like their mother and I'd say in my small sample that if there is any resemblance then it's usually to the father.

Honestly OP what your dd looks like really isn't important in the grand scheme of things and when she's born I think you'll regret giving this headspace and it will be a non-issue.
Concentrate on loving yourself and being a great role model for your dd- however she looks.

OP, I get exactly how you feel. I've had the experiences you describe, even as an adult have met shallow, immature, horrible people throwing thinly veiled insults at me regarding my appearance.
Posters here will tell you that there is no ugly people, all women look either average or attractive, your children won't inherit your genes fully. Sorry but these are just false reassurances and these posters clearly haven't struggled with this kind of issue.
When I was pregnant, I had the same worries as you, but channelled them as positive - as hopeful, beautiful mental images of a healthy baby, who was pretty/average looking. It may sound silly but actually that's just what I focused on. Luckily baby turned out not looking like me. I was so grateful for this - not because I care about looks myself that much or that I wouldn't have loved my baby, not at all. But I would have felt sad and worried about how they'd be treated by others, how their mental health and self confidence can get affected/destroyed, going through life like I had to. People ARE shallow and mean, and they can do a lot of emotional damage.