To worry my daughter will be ugly like me?

[Sadandworriedmummy]

I am not an attractive woman and I have a very attractive partner. When I show people his photo, they are genuinely flabbergasted and comment on how good looking he is.

We are fortunate to have a happy and healthy son who looks just like his handsome father. I am pregnant again and we have learned this is a girl. I’m absolutely petrified she’ll come out looking like me and have to deal with the taunts and insecurities that go along with being an unattractive woman.

I suffered infertility so it seems so stupid to worry about this. I know that I wish only for a happy and healthy baby. But at the same time I know how much unpleasantness I experienced because of my looks and hate to think of her going through that. Has anyone else experienced this? 😔

Attractiveness really does come from within. It’s not about facial features. I worked with two men (over the years) who were probably the most attractive people I’ve ever met. Both were incredibly popular with women. Literally every woman of all ages were crushing on them. Neither were physically attractive in the way you are describing. If I put pictures up you would be surprised. But both men could date absolutely anyone they wanted because they were so gorgeous. Both men had great kindness, humour and were hugely charismatic. I’ve used these examples to tell my children how it truly is personality that counts.
also we really do have different ideas of what we find attractive too.

Ugliness only comes from within.

Why are you worried about it, when you have bagged a hot DH who loves you and makes you happy?

OP, when I was 15, at an age when looks mattered a lot, we had a supply French teacher who was not traditionally beautiful and my horrible friends and I commented on this after the first lesson with her. By the time she left about three months later we had all changed our minds and raved continually about how beautiful she was. She was just absolutely lovely in so many ways and that changed even our shallow teenage perception of her. I've paid no attention to looks since then. I think you are being very unfair on yourself. Your daughter will be lovely I'm sure even if she does look like you.

I expected my daughter to look like me. She doesn't really but I still think she is absolutely gorgeous. If you look at classically beautiful models in the public eye, I cannot think of a single one whose children have inherited their looks and deserve their own modelling career in their own right once you strip out the nepotism.

The only ugly people are the ones who are ugly from within, unkind, mean etc

this is so true, the loveliest people I know couldn’t ever ever be ‘ugly’ because they just light up everyone’s life.. nothing about the details of their appearance just how they project themselves into the world

I always thought I was unattractive but when people see a photo of my adult DD I always get comments like "Blimey she's the image/double of you". Her DP has been told that he is "punching above" (hate that term btw), by many people, so I guess I'm not that bad after all.

OP, I mean this with nothing but love but your focus should not be on your child’s potential physical appearance. Your focus should be solely on whether or not your child comes out healthy and happy. I’m getting a superficial vibe from your original post and that is not something that you should be fretting about or worse still, planning on encouraging in terms of your teachings as a mother. Please don’t be offended by my opinion, I mean it with the best of intentions.

My mum is plain. Not ugly, but fairly ordinary looking, with bad skin, and a large nose. My dad was apparently a looker in his day - he’s tall, with a full head of hair in his 70s, but is overweight.
All three of us (2 girls, 1 boy) are SO like my dad. Build, colouring, facially. My mum always said she was glad we looked like him, as we have good (albeit mad curly) hair, are tall and well built. I’d like to be more delicate, like my mum, and not have the overweight predisposition.
So, there’s no guarantee that your daughter will look like you. Anyway, I think my mum is lovely - a much kinder person than my dad(!) - and I would say there’s a lot you can do with good makeup/hair, so there’s probably more options for a girl.
Please be kinder to yourself. I’m sure there are many positive things about you… and remember, looks fade. A good, kind person will always be more well thought of than a nasty, attractive one.

Truly ugly people are quite rare, in all my nearly 60 years I am say I've met one truly ugly person but she was very likeable.

Not rtft, but although I get why you are worrying, just wanted to say that some of the most attractive people I know are not standard-issue good-looking at all and still captivating, deeply loved, confident individuals.

And that goes for women as well as men.

I don’t think I’m attractive, DH thinks I am. He doesn’t have the best confidence either but I find him very attractive. Beauty definitley comes from within. I’m eight months pregnant and know my child will be beautiful, but by my logic if they look like me should I think they won’t be attractive- no, that’s not how that works, I know they’ll be beautiful so that logic doesn’t work! It’s just my self esteem and confidence affecting the ability to love myself, but I wouldn’t let it affect how I see my child! I’m also never going to say I am unattractive around my child as I don’t want them to pick up my bad habit of self loathing!

I worried about this a lot before I had kids (now I don't have time to worry!). I'm not good-looking, but my husband is perfectly reasonable. I'm delighted to say that for my two daughters, his looks won out. Nice symmetrical features, big eyes, good bone structure. They were adorable-looking toddlers and small kids - went through a bit of a blip in the teenage years, but came out looking good. So there's hope. (On the reverse side, I'm the unattractive daughter of a VERY attractive woman, whose genes somehow got utterly trampled by those of my father.)

I always laugh (darkly) when posters say that no-one really looks ugly. Some of us really do. And we've also got over it.

Did you worry like this about your son's looks OP? I know society judges women's looks more harshly, but that will never stop if even mothers are judging theur looks, before they are even born. Even when she is here, childhood good looks don't always mean adult good looks. Have you shared those thoughts with your husband? It would be interesting to know his views.

It's heart breaking you still feel a sense of stigma internally about how you look. Note this has been caused by others not by your physical looks or worth. I can relate 100 per cent about this feeling and this maternal worry about children having the same ordeals as we had. I really think you would benefit from therapy and addressing this feeling as it's not your looks that are relevant it's because you believe the insults which were always false as looks are subjective anyway! Anyone can look better looking by conventional standards with flattering clothes and hair cut, fresh air, pampering, nourishing foods, make up etc etc- we are all built of the same stuff- yes genes help but they're not all that counts. It's really about confidence and how kind you are to others and I think you are likely much more attractive than you realise. Also have you noticed how certain "ugly" characteristics can seem ultra good looking on people you like e.g I love big noses and character in a face. Focus on healing your wounds. Cognitive therapies good as an addition to normal councilling as it helps you see the world in a different light. You will then pass on positive messages and a more balanced outlook on how unimportant looks are to your daughter (who will likely be gorgeous anyway)!

You must be so proud of your daughter for that. You've clearly done a good job

Yes I get it, having the exact same thoughts here. Years ago I had facial surgery without telling anyone (except parents).no one noticed however one person said you have changed from an ugly ducking to a beautiful swan?! I turned to being unattractive to attractive overnight and no-one remembers me as 'ugly'. I dread her having to go through the torment and insecurities I did as a teen.

@LollyLol I meant that for you by the way, your daughter sounds awesome

this absolutely.

I have my dad’s harsh features and my mum’s olive colouring. My one full sister somehow got my mum’s features and the blue eyed/dark blonde hair/California girl tan from my dad.

I was petrified my DDs would look like me but actually DD1 is a carbon copy of my sister and DD2 looks like her dad.

It’s seemingly so random, but honestly either way I make a huge effort now to never comment on looks; I call them clever/kind/brave girl etc. Hopefully that will teach them to have more confidence than our generation ever did, growing up in the looks-obsessed 90s/00s.

I think it’s disingenuous and a bit patronising to say that there is no such thing as attractive or that looks don’t matter. That said, there are only two types of people when it comes to aesthetics - attractive and average. Most people are average and many of them manage to get into the attractive category by being very focused on beauty. Anyone can look attractive with hood make up and styling.

My mum's best friend was 'hideously ugly' growing up in Spain. She was tall, stick thin with dark skin and hair. Then she moved to England where she was swamped with attention by men who thought she was staggeringly beautiful because she was tall, stick thin with dark skin and hair.

I'm not sure I believe in ugliness. I think as long as there's strong self care - healthy body weight, good hair, nails, teeth etc, most people can look very attractive.

@IfYouCantSeeMyMirrors You say you laugh when people say there's no such thing as ugly... but honestly I am not sure I've ever met an ugly woman. I've met women with very poor self care and very low self esteem which can make them extremely unattractive, but nothing that self care wouldn't fix.I've also met very few beautiful women - maybe about ten in my life. But loads of average women who scrub up well. For most women good self confidence and posture and good self care is what makes us attractive.

Ah well, @gingerhills, that's good to know! I certainly make the best of what I've got, and have learnt lots of tricks. I don't think most people think I'm ugly. But objectively speaking, my features are not great!

I have dd and 2 x ds. My ds has my features, whereas my other ds and dd have my dh's features.