To worry my daughter will be ugly like me?

[Sadandworriedmummy]

I am not an attractive woman and I have a very attractive partner. When I show people his photo, they are genuinely flabbergasted and comment on how good looking he is.

We are fortunate to have a happy and healthy son who looks just like his handsome father. I am pregnant again and we have learned this is a girl. I’m absolutely petrified she’ll come out looking like me and have to deal with the taunts and insecurities that go along with being an unattractive woman.

I suffered infertility so it seems so stupid to worry about this. I know that I wish only for a happy and healthy baby. But at the same time I know how much unpleasantness I experienced because of my looks and hate to think of her going through that. Has anyone else experienced this? 😔

I inherited my dad's ears and my parents were great, as soon as I told them how much I hated being different, they arranged surgery, I was about 5. I don't think some of these posts are very kind, I feel for you so much, jts about how you feel. I'm sure you are not a hideous witch who makes children cry but if it helps, can you change the things you don't like? I have quite quite a bit of cosmetic work and don't understand why people are so against it if it makes a person happy. Enjoy your new baby girl 👶

Well I’m size 14 and cuddly and didn’t regard myself as “arm candy” in any way. OH adores me because I always have a smile and am a happy person, he has convince me that I am attractive, because of that I make a special effort to be like that with everybody. Now they also say how happy I look, it’s a chicken and egg situation.

Your daughter may take after either of you, how you parent her will make a big difference how she turns out, don’t let her get overweight, make sure her friends are appropriate and she will be fine.

OP I totally understand as I felt the same, however, what we see when we look in the mirror isn’t what other people see. We see a distorted version of ourselves in photographs (im sure they make me uglier) and looking back at us in a mirror, don’t even get me started on zoom but it’s all in our head. There really isn’t such as thing as an aesthetically beautiful or ugly person. We all have different tastes. Attraction requires a combination of traits not just a pretty face. That said, I look at my daughter and I see a beautiful young woman, I’m regularly told shes stunning. She’s my double at that age. I can see it in her but I can’t in me. That showed me it’s in my head and no one else’s.

your daughter will be the most beautiful girl you’ve ever laid eyes on.

My stepfather had a huge nose, and actually had two nose jobs to reduce it. Like insanely big. Neither of my half sisters got it.
Anyway there are lots of things you can do to take care of yourself and look and feel better - exercise, nice haircut, etc.
Encourage her to look further ahead than 'who's the prettiest at school' - to do well academically, take herself seriously, and succeed in life.

Exactly my thoughts

It's unusual for a very attractive man to choose an ugly woman (whatever that means) to spend his life with. I suspect you are actually perfectly attractive too but have a distorted self-image. When people say he's good looking they don't mean, 'Too good looking for you.' They're just saying what people say. No one says, 'Ooh he's perfectly ordinary!' when shown a photo of someone's partner!

While you are pregnant, get some counselling on your self image. There are counsellors who specialise in this issue. Google body dysmorphia counsellor in your area. You want to be able to celebrate your daughter for who she is, and help her grow up to feel attractive and desirable (as well as strong, competent, resilient, self-reliant etc) Heaping your anxieties about looks on her will be a burden neither of you needs. Sort it out now, so you feel really good about her, however she looks, once she is born.

I’m sure you are not ugly (and please don’t use this term around your children), just because people are shocked at you’re good looking husband doesn’t mean they think you are ugly. Could you potentially be suffering from body dysphormia? If you can I’d urges you to seek some professional help ❤️

Honestly. Ignore all the people dishing out meaningless platitudes such as “beauty is subjective” or saying that you’re probably not ugly.

Let’s assume you are ugly.

Being ugly is just luck of the draw with no bearing on your value as a person. Teach your daughter that from the beginning, regardless of whether she’s good-looking, ugly or average.

And teach her not to let idiots get to her. It’s shit, but you just have to impress upon her that they are the idiots for negatively judging someone based on looks.

Sadandworriedmummy

Reading your post again I can see this is actually not about looks but rather fear that your daughter will experience something you did that hurt.

This is your protective mumma bear kicking in. :-)

To answer your question, yes I had worries when I was pregnant with my son, did not want a girl as was worried about safety due to my own experiences as a child.

In my naivety, thought a son would reduce that from happening to them. ( not that it has).

I got a son, however with additional needs so that still put him on the higher risk of harm from others catogery anyway.

But he is safe, looked after and flurishing for his person who he is. Just like your daughter when she comes into this world will do so. Because she has a strong beautiful mother - shown by how you are already worrying about protecting her.

You daughter will be fine, even if she faces nasty people as she already has a stable loving starting ground.

Congratulations on having a daughter and new life joining your family soon. :-)

I'm not sure what characteristics you have that make you innately unattractive, as the vast majority of women are ordinary, with some good features and some not so great. They then either make themselves more or less attractive (in accordance with the norms) by how they present their overall appearance; their hair, clothes, make up, weight etc. Obviously some people do have a collection of facial features that society deems 'ugly' and yes, these can be genetic; nose shape, chin and brow, size of jaw and eyes, but most people don't have them all, and if they do, they don't necessarily pass them all on to their children, and even then, there is much that can be done to enhance appearance if a person is bothered by such things.

I’m sorry you feel you’re ugly OP. Your attractive DH doesn’t think so I’m sure. I know a few people who truly believe they’re ugly and I look at them and genuinely have no idea why. My neighbour only goes to the gym at quiet times so less people will see her. To me she looks gorgeous. So first up, you may well see yourself very differently to how others see you. Also I know people who look like other people in their family and next to nothing like either parent. My DB looks like a clone of my great grandfather who looked nothing like my grandfather or my dad. My nephew looks like my grandfather and I can see very little of his parents. I have friends whose grandkids look nothing like their parents. What I’m saying is it’s not guaranteed your DD will look like you or her DF. She will have her own unique set of features that could go back generations. I have a cousin who has Far Eastern shaped eyes with monolids. Absolutely no idea where those come from.

I wouldn’t say that I’m very attractive at all but my daughter’s dad is a VERY good looking man (shame his personality doesn’t match!) and our daughter is STUNNING to the point where everyone comments on her when we go out and about. Bum length shiny brown hair, massive brown eyes and beautiful tanned skin - the complete opposite to me basically! 😂

Oh this is a rule, like, of nature?
Often two stunning parents won't have stunning children, ''just'' very attractive children. because that stunning thing is something that can't be ''formulaed''. it's genes of course but also something extra, and random.
I know a very tall couple and their daughter was not as tall as '''the formula'' would have suggested. Nor was their son actually.

Even if she looks like you, you will think she's beautiful. All parents do.

Voted YANBU because I think it’s normal to have these sorts of worries!
I’m 35 weeks pregnant with a daughter and I’ve felt the same way at times. I’ve never felt attractive and I sometimes worry she’ll face the same issues I did growing up.

But having said that, I think PPs are right about ‘what is attractive?’. Just because someone doesn’t fit the mold for conventional attractiveness doesn’t mean people won’t find them attractive?
I don’t know what I’m getting at here really. I just wanted to say that I worry about it as well but probably our fears are unfounded - everything will be okay.

And although I don't think there's science to back this up, I thought the thing was that girls looked like their fathers, and boys looked like their mums. That's the case for most people I know. Exceptions of course, if you really sit around thinking about it! But off the top of my head, I look like my Dad, my daughter looks like her dad. my son looks like me, my brother looks like my mother.

I’m very ugly I have a wierd lopsided face

my eldest DC looks quite like me facially and I think he is adorable and it’s made me value my own features a bit more like the nose I used to hate , although hes inherited my teenage skin 🙈

My mum is a very plain woman who never really made the best of herself. I look exactly like her. But looks weren’t really the issue. Her attitude was. She never failed to remind me how unattractive I was growing up. Saying “oh I understand because I’m not pretty either”. She tells me now she was “keeping it real”. Well it led to years of insecurities for me. When I had my own daughter I often told her she was beautiful. My mum heard me once and said “aren’t you worried about making her big headed?” No mum, I’m trying to give her some confidence that you never gave me.

I’m in my 50s now and still to this day don’t really bother making an effort. Those early years went deep and made me feel there was never any point bothering. When I think of all the ways it messed me up. I used to feel “grateful” if a man wanted to sleep with me! You can imagine how that turned out. But at least now I have finally learned my own self worth. Maybe because I am older so the people around me aren’t so looks orientated.

Long story short, I agree wholeheartedly with pp’s. It doesn’t matter what your daughter looks like, it’s how you deal with it. I agree counselling may be beneficial. However she looks doesn’t need to hold her back, but you need to believe that for her and yourself.

Ds is the spit of my grandfather and dd looks like my mil. Genes can be funny things.

I understand how you feel. I don’t have children yet but this is one of my worries. I am not attractive and I have lots of features I wouldn’t want to pass onto a child, I hate my teeth and legs especially. My siblings were all more attractive than me, they seemed to get the best of my parents features whilst I got the worst and I was bullied for my looks/ body throughout school. I also had lots of issues in my teens like very bad acne and bedwetting (which my siblings again all avoided) that made things worse. On top of this I have mental health issues I wouldn’t want to pass on. It’s one of my biggest anxieties about having children, it feels selfish to lumber someone else with all these problems, so I totally understand where you’re coming from. Genetics are such a roll of the dice.

When I look around at people on my commute, very, very few people could be considered as even ‘attractive’. Most are below average in terms of looks, but most of these people look quite happy, as happy as the minority of attractive people I see out and about, probably more so, as being genuinely attractive, as in head turningly so, has its own issues...

By the way, OP, I am the spit of my dad.

My mum destroyed my self confidence as a child and I worried about DD myself but obsessing over how she may look is going to be really negative for both of you. You had a horrible time and you don’t want the same for your DD but she’s not you, she is a separate human being, raise her with confidence and self worth and she’ll be ok regardless of how she looks.

Not RTFT but my daughter is stunning. I know every parent says that but she really is. 5"6, size 6, dark hair, dark eyes, perfect skin, great features.. But she has poor mental and physical health, a ton of insecurities, low self-esteem... I could go on. I would rather she had better health than anything else. She gets plenty of attention from boys but often the wrong kind of boy..

I am average in appearance and it has not held me back in any way.

Anyone can look presentable. She'll be a cute kid for quite a while. Then teach her to take care of herself, use skincare, do her hair, dress nicely, above all be a pleasant person.

People, I find, are usually decent enough and treat women they deem unattractive pretty well in nice circles.

@Neverreturntoathread Anyone can look attractive if they do exercise....wtf🙈