To worry my daughter will be ugly like me?

[Sadandworriedmummy]

I am not an attractive woman and I have a very attractive partner. When I show people his photo, they are genuinely flabbergasted and comment on how good looking he is.

We are fortunate to have a happy and healthy son who looks just like his handsome father. I am pregnant again and we have learned this is a girl. I’m absolutely petrified she’ll come out looking like me and have to deal with the taunts and insecurities that go along with being an unattractive woman.

I suffered infertility so it seems so stupid to worry about this. I know that I wish only for a happy and healthy baby. But at the same time I know how much unpleasantness I experienced because of my looks and hate to think of her going through that. Has anyone else experienced this? 😔

I worried about this when pregnant because my self esteem was rubbish. I do think my dh is much more attractive than me.
Anyway i have two sons who are, objectively, very very handsome. One has done ssome modelling- level of handsome.

And you know what? People say they look like me! Who knew!
Attractiveness is 99% per cent down to confidence, good self esteem and self care.

I can get where you're coming from. I am definitely less attractive than my DH. I had really bad skin as a teen and in early twenties which made me so insecure that I was suicidal over it, some days I couldn't leave the house but I couldn't tell anyone how ugly I felt as I felt they would then scrutinise my face even more. I got a lot of attention on nights out as I sought out the perfect lighting in bars, would only go to certain places and I topped up my foundation til it was inches thick. I would go to the toilet every 20 mins and reapply. People would tell me on nights out I was really pretty and I'd get hit on a lot but in the day time people commented on my looks in school and outside of it too. I was called ugly etc. I know people were shocked seeing me in daylight so I hid away a lot. I hated the bright nights etc.

I've never really gotten over it, and even before my daughter was born I prayed she'd be like her dad, he's handsome and his extended family are all attractive.

She is the image of her dad who has great skin, never had spots as a teen but I still worry that she'll get my skin. It's made me obsessed with looks, I was already the type of person that was self critical before the bad skin.

You have my sympathy and I think its important that no matter what we don't let our experiences affect how our daughters feel about themselves. My mum is a very attractive woman and I felt she never understood where I was coming from and the crippling insecurity.

Thank you everyone for the kind replies, I’ve teared up reading your words. I know that beauty comes from within and how important it is to build my daughter’s self esteem and focus on everything that’s not superficial. I don’t have the highest self esteem myself but I do know I’m a good person who contributes to the community and find self worth in that.

however I do worry about how so much of the world doesn’t favour this attitude (or at least it’s a lesson that needs to be learned over time) and I think back on my school days of being taunted for my looks and skin and body and how much that hurt me. I too was deeply depressed as many others have mentioned here.

I am beyond grateful to have a healthy son and hope that my daughter is healthy too. I know that beyond that nothing else should matter but I do worry about it. I appreciate the kindness and understanding shared here today xx

I was worried about this. I have a big nose, very thin lips and an odd shaped face. I was worried my girls would take after me. Luckily they look very much like DH and his side of the family which is honestly, such a relief.

This might only be my DC's experience but young people these days don't seem to make so many remarks about appearance as kids did in my day at school. They seem to embrace things like body positivity. My DC don't have much of a social media presence though so maybe it has all moved online instead.

My eldest DD looks just like her dad inclusive of his prominent nose, she is beautiful

Op you’re not ugly, your bullies were ugly inside, their actions are a result of their private inner turmoil and nothing to do with your looks.

Read this op. Learn about the psychology behind bullying

aplatformforgood.org/the-mind-behind-the-bully-the-psychology-of-bullying/

Thanks @Octopus37 . I am super proud of my DD. I was bullied by my supposed friends and others at school, sometimes for my looks, sometimes other things. Sadly my friends were particularly cruel, ran hot and cold, enjoyed mentally torturing me then "making up" or minimising and after a few days of being nice they'd start all over again. Went on for 4 years. I have made such a conscious effort to teach my DD what good friendship looks like, and how to deflect the haters without letting them get under your skin. I hope my DD will stay strong. It is possible, I'm sure, to break the cycle of bullying and the self-hatred that can arise from that. It is absolutely true that even decades on, I still find it immensely painful to think about how badly I was bullied, and still have ongoing self-esteem issues I have to actively work on. I would love to be able to go back and give my 12 year old self some advice to better handle year 8 to year 11.

Hope the OP finds a way through all this, it's frightening raising a girl when you had a rough time growing up, but also gives a little bit of closure when you can see your DD get through better than you did yourself.

It does not matter what your dd will look like you tell her how brave beautiful talented ect she is everyday of her life she will feel confident and loved

I know it’s a zombie but seeing as it’s been revived.

You are worrying about something you can't control. Which is pointless. So just don't.
I am not very pretty. I know this, it's not a problem, I've always accepted it. But I'm pleasant enough, I scrub up well. I look good in a dress when I go to a party. I make the most of what I've got. Both my ds's are good looking lads - everyone says so.

This is a good point!
I always found my hair colour really boring and spent years dyeing it. My toddler dd has the exact same colour hair, and is of course the most beautiful toddler to ever live, which has made me like my hair more!

Firstly you aren’t ugly.

the most attractive man I knew at 20 and dated until 23 I bombed into when I was 35 he was shocking (totally lost his looks) but the vain look at me I’m amazing was still there.
but at 40 the geek friend I had at school
od very attractive
40 years attractive or more for the second
10 years attractive for the first

I’m sorry but looks count for maybe 10% or less to me. Intelligence and emotional intelligence kindness and integrity is everything

I have four children... so one would imagine they'd look similar.
Nope. One girl is very tall, one is short. One has Dolly Partons figure.. one is built like a basket ball player. The boys are the same.. one tall, one short. One looks like DH, the other is the spit of my Dad! Genetics is such a lottery!

I worried that they'd get 'my' family nose (it's pretty dreadful... we look like Muppets!) And two of them did... but you know what, they carry it off with much more confidence than I ever did!

As they grew from babies I worried about DS1's enormous head and how fat he was (he was a circular toddler!). He's now a perfectly normal looking man with a normal head and if anything he's underweight! He was also very short. Now 5 ft 10...
I worried about how thin DD1 was. She's a tall, very slim adult with my nose... and beautiful!
I worried about DD2.. so short, chubby and as a baby, looked like a Pug . She's a short, beautiful woman, too thin at the mo after feeding her baby for 18m, and she does not look like a Pug
I worried about DS2 for a million reasons... and always will, but the family nose is the least of them :)

Now I feel a tad sad because both of my lovely sons are losing their hair in their 20s...

We always worry about how our children will be judged... I think that's just how society conditions us , but we just have to ensure our children grow with confidence :)

Just because your opinion of yourself is that you are ugly, it doesn’t make it a fact. Your daughter will be your daughter and you’ll think the sun shines for her.

I've worked in Education all my years, OP, and schools are generally less brutal than they used to be. Your wee girl will be fine x

@Parishcouncil That’s a lovely message.