To worry my daughter will be ugly like me?

[Sadandworriedmummy]

I am not an attractive woman and I have a very attractive partner. When I show people his photo, they are genuinely flabbergasted and comment on how good looking he is.

We are fortunate to have a happy and healthy son who looks just like his handsome father. I am pregnant again and we have learned this is a girl. I’m absolutely petrified she’ll come out looking like me and have to deal with the taunts and insecurities that go along with being an unattractive woman.

I suffered infertility so it seems so stupid to worry about this. I know that I wish only for a happy and healthy baby. But at the same time I know how much unpleasantness I experienced because of my looks and hate to think of her going through that. Has anyone else experienced this? 😔

I agree with the posters who have suggested therapy. It really helped me with similar fears. There's nothing like becoming a parent (particularly of a sane sex child) to unlock your own childhood experiences.

My DD is a real blend of me and my DH. She has the feature that I felt most negative about but when I look at her, she just looks exactly the same she's meant to.

Sorry, MN wasn't letting me edit post. Just to say that my DD is 13 now so an insecure age but she's really happy about her looks. So it needs to be a balance of not saying they are unimportant but also part of a bigger picture of positive traits.

Speaking as a woman married to a man who is more conventionally attractive than I am, I genuinely think I'm lucky to have him but he's also lucky to be with me! I have lots of great qualities unrelated to my looks! Sorry to brag, I only say this because it's relevant to this thread.

I'm quite sure you aren't as unattractive as you say, OP. We are always our own worst critic when it comes to looks.

Hardly anyone is a carbon copy of their parents though. And different people will see different things. I was always told when I was a child I was the spitting image of my mother, but looking back at photos I actually resembled my dad more facially. I just had my mothers fair complexion and blonde hair so people lazily made the comparison. I still have more of my dads features now, and so does my sister but we look totally different?! Genes are wild and you cant predict but I can tell you this - your DD will be the most beautiful little squish in the world to you and your DH.

Have a google of celebrity couples and their children and you will see hardly any of them are clones of either parent.

I kept looking up the beautiful actresses from another thread yesterday and then their offspring and concluded that looks are a genetic lottery, even the most beautiful people have average looking children or average parents have very beautiful dc. Nothing is given, but being obsessed with beauty is quite negative.

It's funny how people view what is attractive and what isn't. I can see how people are conventionally attractive or unattractive but I can honestly say, hand on heart, if I meet a man or a woman who is physically attractive but is arrogant or mean or generally unpleasant they suddenly "look" unattractive to me. Just as if I meet someone who is not attractive by society's standards but radiate goodness they then "look" attractive to me as well.

OP, I believe you are being honest about your own subjective assessment of yourself. But this self assessment is not objectively true. Your feelings are real, but your “unattractiveness” is not. You attracted a man who married you and started a family with you. Evidence is that you are a normal, average person like the rest of us. And odds are overwhelmingly that your DD will be the same.

Try to enjoy your growing family. Try to remember that feelings aren’t always reality, and learn to question and challenge negative self talk.

I'm sorry you feel like this about yourself and I'd be worried about the kind of values you will be teaching you children, regardless of who they look like. You should read body happy kids by Molly Forbes.

I can relate to this. When I was pregnant with my first DS, I worried that I would have who looked like me, basically a noticeable eye problem, fair colouring (barely tans), small features, hair that wont go straight, pear shaped figure when she's older). As it happens I had a DS, he looks more like his Dad, although is colouring is closer to mine, with no sign of my eye problem (he is nearly 15 btw). Furthermore, he is a very good footballer, my hand eye coordination was terrible. In a similar way my second DS (now 12) is more like his Dad again, he has slightly darker colouring. His build is closer to mine, basically a small frame (obviously not pear shaped cause he's a DS) but probably wont carry weight well. Also DS1 is very tall, DH is 6ft. DS2 hasn't really started puberty yet, but I suspect he will end up a bit shorter, I'm only 5ft5. Basically its a lottery.

However, it does sound as if you need to work on your self-esteem. For me, I've always focused on trying to be stylish, cause I'm not pretty. For me (I know this doesn't work for everyone), I dye my hair different colours, wear quite funky clothes etc. My DH likes that as well, he is much better looking and more photogenic than me tbh.

Also, try and keep in mind (I do this) that for girls/women who have been pretty growing up and who have traded on it, they have further to fall when they get to middle age. I'm 47 and I don't struggle with this, although I miss being the weight I was in my 30s, I did get skinny after I had the kids.

Well your husband probably thinks you're attractive, sounds like you need more self confidence. Irrespective of looks, you have a husband who presumably loves you, children and family. Sounds good to me.

You don't know how she'll turn out, as long as she's happy and loved does her appearance matter that much, I'm sure you'll love her all the same. Try not to let your own insecurities filter through to her, fill her with confidence.

I was the awkward looking one at school, skinny, glasses, big nose etc, just didn't fit in with the crowd. After school I changed and I think looked nice certainly OH thinks I'm pretty. We have a photo of me at sixteen on our wall, I still think I look awful in it but OH says he can still see the pretty me shining through.

I'm so sorry you feel this way about yourself. Attractiveness means something different to each individual. Looks are only a small part of what people find attractive. Remember the person you are is what makes someone attractive - its different for everyone but for me I find manners, kindness, respectfulness, a sense of humour, determination, focus, career goals all attractive.. looks are just a very small part. I think you should do some work on yourself.. maybe a therapist would be a good start. Teach your daughter that looks are a small part of what makes someone attractive and it's what's underneath that really counts. And remember .. our kids tend to be a mix of mum/dad/sinblings/grandparents etc

OP I have similar concerns about my DD but I was also diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder many years ago and it's no doubt another element of that. I'm working hard to try and not project my own feelings onto DD.

Is it possible that you have undiagnosed BDD?

Look OP, you're not ugly.
What the fuck gives you the right to say that about yourself? You wouldn't call your best friend ugly if she had your face, you'd focus on her lovely features. Stop being cruel to yourself and get excited for your beautiful baby! 😍

My mum hated the way she looked. She dressed well, always had her hair done, but was chubby and had to wear thick glasses.

We have very few photos of her as she hated being in photos and when she was always turned away from the camera. Now that she's gone, it's one of my big regrets. We all loved her for who she was. None of the rest of it mattered.

How attractive a person is in reality not down to how their face is arranged and how much they weigh. It’s down to confidence, charisma and how much they are enjoying their own self and their own life. Many a young woman has starved and spent hours perfecting elaborate slap only to find that all the attention is going to the girl with the big nose, bigger bum and massive laugh who is clearly having the best time in the room.

Ideas of what is beautiful change over time. What is attractive now may be less desired in twenty years time.

I am sorry that you experienced unpleasantness due to looks, though I believe it was just from nasty people and not your looks.
Bullies target insecurity.

I believe that nobody is physically unattractive . As its subjective. What one person finds attractive another does not. Therefore nobody is unattractive.

Even attractiveness standard in media varies, for example I think matt boomer is attractive but don't find channing tatum attractive others opposite way round.

A lot of levelling attractiveness is down to media masses when really it's a combination of factors. Who finds you attractive and visa versa is actually biological in process.

Therefore you and your husband find each other attractive and biological means best together to produce healthy offspring. So there will be nothing unattractive about your daughter nor is there anything unattractive about yourself.

I hope that makes some sense :-)

Maybe you should see a therapist about your self image so that you don’t end up inadvertently passing on those issues to your daughter.

Also, I’m sure your daughter will be lovely. And even if she’s not conventionally pretty, she isn’t an ornament. It’s not her purpose to be pretty. I personally have no interest in being attractive,
I don’t have to look at me, and I’m not a thing for others enjoyment.

There is something called regression to the norm. Even if you were very ugly or very beautiful, it's likely your child will tend to average.

I was worried my daughter would inherit my looks, in particular my nose. And she did, she looks very similar to me. She is absolutely beautiful. I am so pleased I didn't save up for the nose job I desperately wanted 20 years ago. Could you imagine telling someone who looks so much like you how pretty they are when you spent a massive amount of money to change a near identical, very prominent feature?

I have come to the realisation that confidence is important to how others perceive you. I have bad posture and always look uncomfortable in social setting and photos. My daughter just gives off a completely different vibe, she looks happy and approachable.

I didn't have a great childhood, was never complimented and always criticized. Add in a bit of bullying and my self confidence was destroyed. I got into a DV relationship and didn't feel that I deserved more. It has had implications in all areas of my life. Be careful what you project onto your daughter.

You can't be that ugly or your husband wouldn't love you. What is beauty or ugliness anyway? I've known a few beautiful women and handsome men who were nasty and treated others badly, therefore they had ugly personalities - so that made them unattractive in my eyes.

My old granny used to say, 'handsome is as handsome does' - we laughed as teenagers but she was right.

Your goal should be to bring your dd up to be strong and resilient, have good self-esteem, self-sufficiency and sympathy for others. You should be worrying about how you can do that, how you teach your dd to love and respect herself. If you achieve that, you’ve taught her something valuable to carry her through an entire lifetime.

When my dd’s supposed friend explained to my dd that she couldn’t be cool because she wasn’t pretty enough and never would be, I was expecting heart-break and self-doubt. But my dd was simply outraged and contemptuous of her now-ex-friend for being an idiot. I asked dd what she said in reply; “I told her I may not be beautiful outside, but she is ugly inside and that’s a much bigger problem.” When her ex-friend tried to wheedle her way back into my dd’s good books, my dd refused to forgive her. I supported her. They are no longer friends and my dd has the lowest opinion of her she could have.

If you want your dd to measure herself and people based on superficial criteria like physical appearance then you need to give your head a wobble.

You're worrying about something that might not happen and you can't change anyway - be kinder to yourself x

Not helpful to you OP, and nothing scientific about this but I'm the spit of my dad and my daughter is the spit of her dad, and generally I find daughters take after their dads? Is this something that only happens in my circle? Maybe I'm in a little bubble on this one.

Agree that it's a good idea to see a therapist, to avoid passing issues onto your daughter. If I'd had a daughter, I would probably have needed to do this too. I inherited my eye problem from my Dad and he basically passed on his own insecurities about it to me. Put pressure on me to have surgery, which failed.

Try and go easy on yourself and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with DD we always said we hoped she did not have my nose or DP’s forehead. Well you guessed it- they were the two features she inherited. However, on her they “work.” She is a prettier version of me because she has the bigger forehead (mine is almost non-Existent) and her nose is cute .

OP, in your shoes I would not worry. Your DD will be lovely for all that she is. But like PP have said maybe you need to address your own feelings of self-worth.

Good luck with your pregnancy.