MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

What sort of a pathetic excuse for a 'man' are you married to, when he allows this sexist abuse of his own daughter?

You have, as is common to say on here, a DH problem. Your DH sounds absolutely worthless and repugnant.

Or ... mil genuinely misses her, apologies... promise s IF she chooses to go ocassionally , she won't make her feel bad or expect her to lift a finger

@PaperTyger what? The grandmother should apologise for providing free dinner to the family and they need guarantees that they won't be expected to pick up their own plate in order to visit. You have to be joking. Any family member that said that to me would be told they were welcome to tap water as long as they brought their own glass.

And what about the dh and his siblings? I’d be utterly ashamed if my dh allowed his elderly mother to prepare an extensive meal without offering to help. It smacks of laziness and entitlement. So why on earth are the many other adults - including mil own dc - sitting back and allowing an 85 year old and 18 year old to wait on them?

I expect both of my dc to help their dgp’s and they do so without being asked, but I would not allow them to always the the ones expected to help while their cousins and aunties and uncles (and their own df) sit back and chill. I notice it’s the youngest girl
thar this is expected of which also says a lot.

Your dh is a disgrace op and I would be appalled at my dh and the many adults in this situation expecting silver service treatment from their elderly mother/grandmother. I certainly wouldn’t be tolerating them singling out my dd like that simply because she was the youngest.

Your dd is right and this entire situation is wrong. I would attend once more without dd so I could tell the lot of them (aside from poor mil) what lazy fuckers they all are and why she no longer wants to come then I would keep my distance and only visit mil when the rest aren’t there.

I Don’t blame her. This is where you should have got to waaaay before she decided her only option was not to go.

What do you mean by ‘serve the adults’? Don’t people serve themselves? Does she distribute plates? Or does she have to ask each individual in turn what they want and place it on their plate for them? The latter seems a bit odd and yes probably unfair for one person to do that. Given the age of MIL and that’s she’s presumably cooked id just help your daughter and tell your Dh that he needs to help his mother too

@Uafasach The grandmother should apologise for using the poor girl and treating her badly. The grandmother should be having the men help out. Thus the grandmother gets no sympathy from me for perpetuating such sexism. She should know better.

Your daughter is an adult and not the family skivvy! Everyone should be helping! In any case, because she is an adult she doesn’t need to do anything, including not going there.

What about the sons? Doesn’t sound like MIL’s own son has been brought up to help.

All of the adults should be helping, not just the most easily intimidated females. I’m teaching my daughters that we all pitch in, not that the men sit on their backsides while elderly and young women serve.

nd what about the dh and his siblings? I’d be utterly ashamed if my dh allowed his elderly mother to prepare an extensive meal without offering to help. It smacks of laziness and entitlement. So why on earth are the many other adults - including mil own dc - sitting back and allowing an 85 year old and 18 year old to wait on them?

I expect both of my dc to help their dgp’s and they do so without being asked, but I would not allow them to always the the ones expected to help while their cousins and aunties and uncles (and their own df) sit back and chill. I notice it’s the youngest girl
thar this is expected of which also says a lot.

Your dh is a disgrace op

Exactly.

Yes the MIL needs help, but that should come from everyone, not just the OP's DD.

The issue isn't the chores, it is that the DD is being singled out and is stressed by this.

OP, your DD doesn’t want to wait on everyone else whilst they are happy to let her. She is an adult and doesn’t have to go. Her choice.
As a PP said, when MIL asks why she doesn’t visit, explain she doesn’t feel comfortable waiting on everyone who is able bodied and can look after themselves. Everyone should be helping out not just DD so she doesn’t want to come anymore.

Your DH should speak up but I suspect he enjoys having his mother and daughter cooking for him and waiting on him.

She should know better

So should all of the adults around the table. Not only is MIL expected to host and cook, she also has to parent her adult children and grandchildren. Poor woman.

This is sounding less and less genuine when OP consistently repeats about her DD and doesn't answer about why MIILs adult children all expect to be waited on by their 85yr old mother?

Your DD should not be expected to wait on everyone else hand and foot every time you visit.

Your MIL shouldn't be doing everything else herself.

You should all be chipping in by bringing food, helping with cooking, setting and clearing the table. IF everyone else did that before your MIL got the chance to tell your DD to do it, there wouldn't be a problem.

There's a difference between expecting young people to help out and identifying one young person as the general dogsbody for every family meal with no prospect of it changing, especially if that role is linked to her being female.

This needs to be dealt with via an open conversation. Dropping hints or doing it yourself won't work. Your DH needs to tell everyone straight that everyone needs to help his mother with meal prep in future and that your DD will no longer be singled out to serve everyone else.

Have you tried saying (and I don't know if you have) when you're there, that ALL of the adults help out? Not just your DD or your DD's cousins but you, your DH and any other relative?
Couldn't they all take their dishes into the kitchen, scrape the plates off into the compost bin/regular bin, put the dishes in the dishwasher/sink and return?

Why don't all of the adults help out, not just the few or the one?

As this is your MiL, why doesn't your DH step up here?

I don't understand why it has to fall to one granddaughter though? Why can't the grandmother's own children help? I don't think the issue is that she's being asked, but that it's expected of only her

Yeah sorry, I disagree with this, no idea why people can't help themselves and someone can serve grandma!

The OP says there's other female relatives who aren't helping out either.

Yes.

I understand the dynamics but it's not this girls problem to sort out end definitely not to be saddled with serving roles.

I'm astonished I'm reading this in this day and age

Mil doesn't have too apologies to her grandchildren but she cent expect this girl too go

My grandmother does this too. The youngest female in the room has to do all the jobs. I am, happily, the eldest granddaughter 😂 I'm joking, my mother and one of my aunts (and me when I was around) have always done the majority of the work for her.

One family of my cousins don't visit her anymore (not because of her bossing routine but due to my grandmother's narcissistic behaviours) and the other family of daughters are major people pleasers with a narcissistic father who like to be seen to be helpful but when there's no audience to see their good deeds grandmother gets no help.

If your MIL is 85 and doing all this work I wouldn't go too hard on her. You or DD could just ask the cousins to give her a hand if it's bothering her so much. In a couple of years so won't be able to do much for herself and that's when the actual work will begin for the rest of the family.

I'm team dd here.

My dh would have stepped in and taken over the chores himself rather than make a fuss.

However, since your dh seems not to have his daughter's back, I would say your dd has it right - stay away.

@Somatronic what do the males do in your family?

It's quite hard to make any sense of isn't it?

Has it always fallen to the youngest (female) GC?

Has Op happily been "served" by the other GC but now only pissed off because her daughter is unhappy?

They should ALL be waiting on Grandma, not Grandma waiting on them.

What I can’t get over is the rush to stick the boot into Grandma from 85% of the responses on this thread. Is this the ‘abuse’ that people are talking about when they justify ‘going non contact’. Jesus.