MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

So despite you pointing it out your MIL continues to insist only your DD helps?

Of course your MIL will need help but her refusal to take on board that your DD is not the family skivvy is unreasonable.

The other young family sound very lazy not to want to help.

Is this a large family gathering?

If your DD doesn't wish to go around there anymore, that is her choice.

Being the only one being asked to help must be a bit annoying and it is not the message I would want to be sending my DD.

Could you mention it to your MIL privately one last time?

If she brushes your concerns off, then accept your daughter doesn't wish to visit.

An 85 year old woman cooking a big family meal seems extraordinary in itself, and only one grandchild helping out!

You are correct to support your daughter.
What a pity it has been allowed to come to this.

Well done! This is the attitude to have, and how to raise kids.

Lazy DHs can be pains. It seems he is quite happy to sit on his arse whilst his 85 year old mother does all the cooking and his 18yo daughter does the serving

Put your big voice on and give instructions to those adults you think should be doing the work.
' you two lay the table'
If you do it right they're finished before they realise.

From the replies above, this has to be the most selfish generation in history. You are raising your daughters to refuse to help their 85 year old grandmothers to carry plates to the table because grandmothers have no right to expect help, and they are ‘bossy’ and ‘abusive’.

Dear God - what did your parents teach you? Where are your values in life?

OP who cooks and does the tidying up?

Is your daughter setting the table and ... What? Is she expected to help out with coffee and tea and that sort of thing?
What EXACTLY is she doing?

If it is just as above, then perhaps your MIL thinks that your daughter likes to help ( as some children do like to help- teenagers not so much).

Is your daughter one that your MIL is most comfy with? Maybe she sees it is an activity they do together ( running the meal).
It doesn't mean she's evil or abusing your child.

I bet there is a lot of back story here, with the MIL needing help, asking for it, but nobody stepping up. She's now found that if she asks your DD, she gets help as your DD does as she is asked.
I'd focus on getting the rest of the family off their backsides and help rather than asking MIL to stop focusing on DD.

She sounds abusive targeting your daughter making her everyone's servant. I would of stopped her going a long time ago. I bet if you got into the nitty gritty of our husbands childhood he would have a few horrible stories on your 'lovely' MIL. I would not let her go anymore and tbh I would stop going myself given that's how she treats people.

Who used to do it before dd was old enough?

Hints weren’t enough, you needed to say everyone should help. Not step in to take over.

Either DD doesn't go.

Or, when she says DD has to do these jobs, round up the older cousins too and tell them to help.

If it's cultural sexism (older cousins are male and therefore waited on, I really would be up front with DD and say to her - you don't need to go there and skivvy. Or you could make a jokey warning of it - Granny's attitude is a message to you never to land yourself in a relationship where this is expected of you.

Is this one of those situations where normally the youngest is the helper for a while, but then it moves on to the next youngest when they become old enough? Your DD being the youngest overall just means it’s stuck on her?

absolutely unfair and the right time to have a “right, the kids are now all adults so time to think about some changes” chat to reflect that and the age of your MIL

DD18 lays the table, clears away and helps with tea/desserts and serves the adults before she can sit down herself Yes sounds normal however ONLY DD is the one to do this every single time

Dear god, you all kinda suck.

She needs help. Everyone sits around, your MIL is asking a very capable younger member of the family, SHE throws a strop, and you're supporting her.

How about instead of doing THAT, start a family group chat and agree that you will all take over a few jobs TO HELP YOUR MIL OUT!! And I am shocked that you and your DH and your DD are demonising your MIL for asking for help. Why is your DD not happy to help?

Why is the only time YOU get up is when your daughter is asked to help.

Honestly, I despair at how selfish people are these days.

She's 85!! Wtf you can't expect an 85 year old to host dinner and cook with no help. How many more of these dinners do you think she will be able to do ? All of you should be helping chip in or offer to host. The MIL isn't being sexist some of the older cousins are female.

Well that’s on all the other adults there. Maybe MIL doesn’t actually like being in the position where she needs help so this is her cover.

Shame on all the other adults there for not helping more. They could get off their arses but sounds like they’re too lazy.

Your DH needs a good foot up the arse allowing it to continue

with both of you not going round that’s 2 less people for her to cook for 😁sorted .

She sounds abusive targeting your daughter making her everyone's servant.

And what about all MIL's adult children sitting around expecting their 85 yr old mother to wait on them hand and foot🤷🏼‍♀️

Your dd has had enough and I really hope that's the end of it.
Letting her not want to go, accepting And respecting that decision will be a very important life lesson for her.

Do not under any circumstances force or try and cajole her to to.
The next steps are... this is the new normal everyone simply moves on.

Or ... mil genuinely misses her, apologies... promise s IF she chooses to go ocassionally , she won't make her feel bad or expect her to lift a finger.

If anyone force's an adult out of this desxion by emotional blackmail will be forcing her to suppress her self. Don't do it.

To be honest I don't think it's a big deal. A bit irritating that it is your DD rather than her cousins but it's not really a hugely onerous thing to ask someone to do. You and your DH could help out by volunteering to set the table or do coffee. Perhaps eventually the others would chip in.

Op is repeating the same comment over and over again without answering any of the questions. I suspect she isn't genuine....

So why don’t you get off your backside @Safarigiraffe and help lay the table etc. Why doesn’t your DH, why don’t the other adults in the room? Your MIL is cooking, what is everyone else doing? The solution is not for your DD to visit anymore the answer is for everyone else to get off their backsides and chip in

@Greyarea12 what are you talking about? Abusive? Everyone's servant? If anyone is being abused and treated like a servant, it is MIL who prepares the meal for everyone and doesn't get any help unless she specifically asks for it.

@Safarigiraffe this is not MIL's problem. She obviously needs help. It is an issue with the other selfish adults.

Who washes up?

Ep ops dd is a red herring.

It's ebreyone else there

She doesn't went to go and that's fine.

No one should force her this nasty situation is nothing at all to do with this girl.

What happened when it was the turn of the other cousins to do this?

Did all the adults just sit on their arses as well then?