‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

[Monstera1111]

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

Don't beat yourself up about this op.
Some people are dicks, and they are dicks when you meet them in any walk of life, not just on line.
At least you can block him and move on.
As for the choking, what a twat. Most women do not like being choked. Does he like it?
Again I find it bizarre that Brown adults to not know that line is not real it's acting. The same way that Tom Holland is not really able to squirt spiders webs from his wrists and fly through the air, he is acting.
Christ such dicks about.

Grown not brown.

I think he was surprised at how quickly I threw him out this morning but I was so upset. Not sure how he will feel now or even realise he is blocked - doubt he would care either way. He got what he wanted.

for the posters who seem to think I jumped into bed with him I have to reiterate - this was really really not like this and I have sucessfully in the past managed to dodge guys like this.

at the beginning of this year i was seeing a guy who arranged a second date before the first date - such was his adoration for me. Anyway we seen each other in outdoor various dates over a period of three months. He always paid and never laid a finger on me - three months in I asked him about where he seen the relationship going and Said because we had not had sex he would not see me as relatio ship material as needed to try this out before he made a decision. I said that I needed to be in a relationship before having sex. Anyway he ghosted me and I never seen him again - since early March

he was another bumble match but worked in the same field as me

it feels you really cannot win with these guys

maybe i have just not met ‘my guy’ yet 😞

He probably likes it because hes a sicko 🤢🤢 that uses woman

🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮 i cannot believe i even let him near me i am repulsed with myself

For those saying that holding out for sex sites not work and guys will play the long game, I held out ... until the day we married. It is extreme and yes I am a Christian so had reasons for doing it like that, but it certainly sorts out whether a guy actually loves you, or just wants sex! He was my first boyfriend, both aged 32 , and celebrating 20 th anniversary next month. Absolutely no regrets.

Seems like elementary stuff. Don't have sex with men you don't know unless you want risk heartache etc. Centuries of women and yet here we still are.

I agree. Sex on the first date is a casual hookup, which then could possibly continue to more. It's not a relationship nor a promise of one. I actually don't think he's done anything wrong, aside from the choking if he didn't ask. He just wasn't sure if he wanted a second date. He made no promises to you. I'm Then you threw him out and blocked him on everything.

He might think you're not what he's looking for in a girlfriend if you're willing to sleep with him straight away? Despite their desires men don't always respect that behaviour do they?!

I think there's a lot to be said for waiting / keeping sex special

Good for you, sticking to your principles

Agree with this

I have limited sympathy for OP. You sleep with someone on a first date, that's casual sex. And if you're not ok with that, don't do it. Simples

This is amazing 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Sorry haven't read the full thread as of yet but have you given him much of a chance op or did you block him straight away?

Thanks for your opinion

I blocked him straight away and unmatched. Why? Should I have given him a chance to explain himself?

OP just jumped in to say that you've done nothing wrong. Just treat it as one of those bad experiences and things that simply were not meant to be. I don't want to sound old fashioned but most men really like certain mystery when it comes to women. Especially if they consider a long term relationship with her. If they feel like they will get what they want on a first date, even if they find the woman hot/cute/funny most of the time they won't message back or see you again. I don't know how it works but I was always friends with guys and that's what I learnt. They really liked the girls they slept with on the first date but it wasn't enough for them to call them back/Invite them on the second date. Yes its not very nice. Really rude. I used to offer breakfast to those girls my flatmate used to invite to his room frequently. Wish you all the best with your future dates!

What I’ve learn from MN is there is a hell of a lot of women that seem to think it’s empowering to sleep with men on the first date and advise others to do it and say that’s what they do to weed out the ones that only want sex apparently it’s better to sleep with them on the first night and find out straight away if that’s all they wanted, seems quite backwards to me whatever happened to getting to know someone and finding that out? I can’t imagine wanting to sleep with every man I’ve had a first date with.

Learnt*

Why on earth would you? He’s made it very clear he doesn’t want to see you again. Don’t lower yourself to that.

Move on. And sometimes shagging on the first date works well, as the right guy will be so enamoured with you and you’ll carry on as you were. But more often than not, you end up letting a man inside you for ‘ok’ sex and then him brushing you off.

Wait next time. Romance and wooing and chemistry and sexual tension are magical. Let it build up.

I didn’t have sex with my fiancé until I was officially his girlfriend. I let him please me after a few dates, but nothing more until I knew for sure. It was worth the wait.

@Besttobe8001 Unfortunately, I suspect this is true, especially if the guy has been through an extended dry spell and he thinks he's in with a chance.

I know right? It’s utterly bizarre.

I’m not going to risk pregnancy and STIs (birth control can fail and condoms can break) to use my body as a filtering system for dusty men. 99% don’t deserve to be anywhere near me, let alone in me.

Theres also the safety element. I wouldn’t be going back with, or inviting into my home, strange men from the internet. Men could literally kill you.

That's my thoughts too.
plus asking him if he wants to see you again before he's barely awake is just a bit off, give people a bit of space.

he did that choking thing that i have never had done before too?? I asked him what be was doing he was like woman love it?? I was like i have never had a guy do that before??

I'm really sorry OP. The fact that he did this without prior discussion, or that he did this at all is a massive red flag. It shows you what you were in for. Funny how he turned it around by saying 'women like it'. A minority of women do maybe, but he was trying to get out of that one by saying that he does this because women like it, whereas the truth was he's doing it because he loves the powertrip and feels entitled to do it.

Yeah, I'm afraid I would hold off too.

I met a guy through OLD and I was clear that I was looking for something long term. We did actually end up in a relationship and he told me further down the line that the fact I hadn't slept with him too soon (even when he stayed over) it kept him interested! He said he thought I was just going to be another fling.

This annoyed me because I had said from the beginning I was looking for a relationship and he'd have basically dumped me straight after...he replied with 'well, everyone says they want a relationship and then they sleep with you on the first date'.

It's pretty awful tbh and this is only one man's opinion but I'd imagine a lot more think the same.

Chalk it up to experience and be glad you found out what a knob he is before there were any feelings.

He's the problem, not you

So I want to reiterate here

this is the first time I have ever done this. This is the first time i have ever had sex on a first date - the reason being that we have multiple phone calls and facetime dates and were messaging for 12 hours per day. So there was a false intimacy here.

if you read my other post I have said that men have ghosted me for now having sex with them

this is probably why i have react so badly to this as i felt there was a connection and cleary there really wasnt. As I have said I am dating a couple of guys in my city who i have only kissed and another couple in the next city who have actually said they dont want to have sex so they dont ‘f**k this up’ - so this was an outlier for me

i would not have had sex with him if he had not led me to believe over messaging that he was very very interested in me and I can assure you he was putting in alot of work to make sure i felt that way - only to do a 180 this morning after sex

anyway its done now and i never want to see him again - lesson learnt
whole flat has been cleaned and saged and bed sheets changed

i hold off having sex for months and get ghosted, have sex early when things seem to be going well and same result.

woman get blamed for everything and can never win

feel very despondent
at least i have my cat and plants

Women have been sold a lie about casual sex. While some women seem to be able to harden themselves to enjoying no strings attached sex, more often than not women are actually looking for more than that. Most men are definitely wired a bit differently and while that doesn't excuse them behaving like gits, they seem more able to brush off a one-night stand more than women. Yet sadly they often don't respect the women they sleep with, so subconsciously they must also want better from women than for them to just jump into bed together. It's always been funny to me how not straight forward the whole damn thing is. I guess without any instinctive push back we'd just interchangeably sleep with each other without any real connection and many consequences, so it's a good thing probably.