Page 10 | ‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Monstera1111 · 2022-04-23T08:17:49+00:00

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s. he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent. i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu? just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:44

EarthSight · 23/04/2022 14:26

@Besttobe8001 Unfortunately, I suspect this is true, especially if the guy has been through an extended dry spell and he thinks he's in with a chance.

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He had been through a dry spell - he told me after second sex 🙄

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AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 14:46

I’m not talking about you op, others have said it on here and on other threads, that sleeping with someone on the first night is a good way to weed out those that only want sex. No it really isn’t and it’s sad that women feel that way, like they are lucky if one still wants them after! Women have a lot more to risk from Casual sex than men, you’re literally giving them what they want, easy sex. Yes I get the point that it can happen after x many dates but the point is not sleeping with them on the first night weeds out the ones who are expecting sex on the first night and won’t even put any effort at all in, it’s also a massive safety risk!

Unsurprised456 · 23/04/2022 14:51

Do you think he may have felt incompatible with you in the bedroom?

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:51

Well this is the first time I have ever had sex on a first date - and I wont be doing it again
i used condoms and have ius so thats all covered

he is blocked and unmatched so no issues with having to see him again

there were obviously other red flags I was picking up on to have asked him this morning if he wanted to see me again. So for the poster saying to give some space - it was not like that at all.

i guess i do have to take responsibility if I met him for a drink outside i could have just gone home and this would not have happened but after all the chats and promises i was so excited and wanted to believe he was a real one and not a fake like so many others

i dont think having first date sex is a good idea - but this was not what this felt like

i met a guy a couple of weeks ago from bumble and we had a first date and i would not even contemplate letting him walk me home let alone had sex - the issue with this was that there was so many shared photos, videos and i even spoke with his mum when he was on holiday and he told me she loved me 🥺🥺

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Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:52

I was played like a fool here

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Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:52

Unsurprised456 · 23/04/2022 14:51

Do you think he may have felt incompatible with you in the bedroom?

Well i dont think me mentioning the choking thing was great…..

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Rosewaterblossom · 23/04/2022 14:52

UserError012345 · 23/04/2022 09:55

6 date rule - no sex before.

Is this new? I thought it was 3!

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:53

Rosewaterblossom · 23/04/2022 14:52

Is this new? I thought it was 3!

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They all know about three date so you have to push it upto six

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Grapewrath · 23/04/2022 14:54

Op I wouldn’t worry. It’s not because you had sex, it’s either the fact that he’s an arse or changed his mind. Neither of these things is anything to do with you.
I did the same many years ago with an older man who I really wanted a relationship with and was ghosted soon after. His loss. I don’t regret it

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 14:54

@Monstera1111 Yes, ok sorry, not nice. I hope the next one is a keeper. I'm sure you'll know if it's right. I hope you feel better soon.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:56

I am seeing a guy who is coming over tomorrow night from his city - he is getting train across. We have had a video date. I can assure you I will not take that false intimacy as a first date and make sure the in person date is the actual first date and not make that mistake again

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 14:57

i met a guy a couple of weeks ago from bumble and we had a first date and i would not even contemplate letting him walk me home let alone had sex - the issue with this was that there was so many shared photos, videos and i even spoke with his mum when he was on holiday and he told me she loved me

I think as a previous poster said you need to try to learn something from shit dates so that they don't feel like wasted time etc.

The lessons learned from this guy are I think 1. constantly messaging before meeting in person creates false intimacy that isn't real and 2. men who push sexual boundaries or do anything (especially something like bloody choking!) without consent are men you should have no desire to see again and 3. having a stranger in your home makes you vulnerable and is not a safe choice to make.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:57

Grapewrath · 23/04/2022 14:54

Op I wouldn’t worry. It’s not because you had sex, it’s either the fact that he’s an arse or changed his mind. Neither of these things is anything to do with you.
I did the same many years ago with an older man who I really wanted a relationship with and was ghosted soon after. His loss. I don’t regret it

i helped him organise his house move from when he was abroad ffs 😞😞 and he said i was an angel and he was so lucky to have met me. It was all fake

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apricotlane · 23/04/2022 14:58

@Monstera1111 Wait...he choked you? ffs! I can't believe this is normal for people, it's so so sick.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:58

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 14:57

i met a guy a couple of weeks ago from bumble and we had a first date and i would not even contemplate letting him walk me home let alone had sex - the issue with this was that there was so many shared photos, videos and i even spoke with his mum when he was on holiday and he told me she loved me

I think as a previous poster said you need to try to learn something from shit dates so that they don't feel like wasted time etc.

The lessons learned from this guy are I think 1. constantly messaging before meeting in person creates false intimacy that isn't real and 2. men who push sexual boundaries or do anything (especially something like bloody choking!) without consent are men you should have no desire to see again and 3. having a stranger in your home makes you vulnerable and is not a safe choice to make.

I agree -

what about going to their flat? I know a few friends who would not think twice about matching with a guy on a Thursday and going to theirs on a Friday. Nothing has ever happened to them but I think they have been lucky

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Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 14:59

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 14:58

@Monstera1111 Wait...he choked you? ffs! I can't believe this is normal for people, it's so so sick.

It was sick and now I am so upset and crying 🥺😭 I obviously knew something was really not right this morning after coming on here and posting - its just taken me a few hours to realise what had happened

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 14:59

i helped him organise his house move from when he was abroad ffs

I think it'd be good for you to think about why you did this sort of thing for a stranger. I don't mean that in a trite or sarcastic way, I mean really why?

Even if you offered rather than being asked, it was inappropriate of him to let you, a stranger, help with personal errands and admin.

Lots of red flags with this guy, you've had a lucky escape!

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:01

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 14:59

i helped him organise his house move from when he was abroad ffs

I think it'd be good for you to think about why you did this sort of thing for a stranger. I don't mean that in a trite or sarcastic way, I mean really why?

Even if you offered rather than being asked, it was inappropriate of him to let you, a stranger, help with personal errands and admin.

Lots of red flags with this guy, you've had a lucky escape!

You are right

i guess its similar to the sex thing, there was so much false intimacy that i felt i knew him

i sound like one of the woman from tinder swindler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😨😨😨😨😨

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 15:02

what about going to their flat? I know a few friends who would not think twice about matching with a guy on a Thursday and going to theirs on a Friday. Nothing has ever happened to them but I think they have been lucky

It's up to individuals to risk assess and make their choices - I know I made some in my 20s, especially when drinking, that I wouldn't make now and was (mostly) lucky too.

But each time I was still in very vulnerable situations with a male (effectively a stranger even a few dates in) who could physically overpower me if he wanted to.

I guess the only real benefit to it being at theirs instead of yours is that they then don't know where you live.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:04

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 15:02

what about going to their flat? I know a few friends who would not think twice about matching with a guy on a Thursday and going to theirs on a Friday. Nothing has ever happened to them but I think they have been lucky

It's up to individuals to risk assess and make their choices - I know I made some in my 20s, especially when drinking, that I wouldn't make now and was (mostly) lucky too.

But each time I was still in very vulnerable situations with a male (effectively a stranger even a few dates in) who could physically overpower me if he wanted to.

I guess the only real benefit to it being at theirs instead of yours is that they then don't know where you live.

I guess so - and knowing they dont have a live in partner

my friend in London met a guy on a dating app last autumn - she was seeing him for six weeks. He worked in London but had a house in Oxford. She went to see him in Oxford and when she arrived at his house he had a room mate - she did some snooping and realised he had a wife

she said to him and he did admit it and said ‘will that be a problem for you’ - anyway she did end up telling the wife and she had no idea

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Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 15:06

Can i just say a collective thank you to the posters here today
it really made me feel less alone in this situation and it has been good advice - even if it was not all what i wanted to hear 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

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Stravaig · 23/04/2022 15:07

Hi OP, From what you say here, It sounds like you actually did notice all the wee negative signals of yours and his, at the time. Which is great. But you didn't pause and act on them at the time. Which is really bad. You need to stop being so invested in whether or not he likes you, and focus instead on whether you like what is happening, in every single moment, and act accordingly.

We're smiling at the cat-guardian anecdotes, but actually there's valuable truth there. You need to be your own guardian, your own ally, defending your own wellbeing, at every moment. Don't waver from that.

You asked him as he left how he thought the date went. Good question, but the far better question is asking yourself, throughout the date , 'how is this going for me?' Base your decisions on that.

apricotlane · 23/04/2022 15:07

Oh no! Hun! That's awful. I'm so sorry. You have been brutalised by this utter git. Please please do not let men do that to you again unless you are in some way completely into some kind of alternative sex thing (which while I don't agree with, is none of my business if you were). Presuming that you are not, the choking is NOT normal, it comes from our pornographised culture and it has actually ended up with women being killed - you must be careful (trying not to be patronising here sorry) :(

People think we are effing progressive and yet the first thing women are having to put up with is being pressured into abusive sex. As far as I am concerned sexual liberation is an effing oxymoron - there is only eventual degradation of women :(

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 15:08

Suprima · 23/04/2022 14:28

I know right? It’s utterly bizarre.

I’m not going to risk pregnancy and STIs (birth control can fail and condoms can break) to use my body as a filtering system for dusty men. 99% don’t deserve to be anywhere near me, let alone in me.

Theres also the safety element. I wouldn’t be going back with, or inviting into my home, strange men from the internet. Men could literally kill you.

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I know it’s very bizarre, it honestly sounds like something men have come up with to get women to sleep with them quicker and strangely enough women actually seem to think it’s a good idea!

Whatsmyname100 · 23/04/2022 15:08

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 09:36

If you're looking for long term don't have sex on the first date.

This. Sorry I don't think he did anything wrong. There was no commitment or any sort of relationship. It was just a casual encounter. If you want something long term, no need to rush into sex and feel awful after. I'm sure if you had given this guy a few more dates without sex, you would have picked up that he wasn't serious.