Page 7 | ‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Monstera1111 · 2022-04-23T08:17:49+00:00

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s. he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent. i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu? just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 12:07

So he lovebombed you, told you what you wanted to hear, he cooled off after you met him, called your cat a motherfucker and dumped his last girlfriend because he was bored of her.

And you still invited him to your home and slept with him. You made your own choices, he wasnt predatory. That suggests the op had no agency and he coerced her, which is rape. Not wanting to see you again after you slept with him isn't a crime. He might not be a very nice person but you've been naive.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:10

CornishLamb · 23/04/2022 12:05

What were you hoping for this morning OP? To be officially in a relationship with him? Or just to have another date to see how it went?

If you’d had one more date and then he’d said he didn’t want to meet up again, would you still have felt tricked?

it seems a big shout to him expect someone to commit to a relationship with you when you’ve only had one date.

Not a relationship - but probably a second meetup. On reflection now I am glad its over

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 12:10

Antarcticant · 23/04/2022 10:46

But if he wasn't feeling it, why have sex with the OP? Obviously he was attracted enough to the OP to want to have sex, but he should have been upfront about it before sex if no relationship was on the cards.

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It's quite possible and in fact likely that he wasn't feeling it AFTER they had sex

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:12

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 12:07

So he lovebombed you, told you what you wanted to hear, he cooled off after you met him, called your cat a motherfucker and dumped his last girlfriend because he was bored of her.

And you still invited him to your home and slept with him. You made your own choices, he wasnt predatory. That suggests the op had no agency and he coerced her, which is rape. Not wanting to see you again after you slept with him isn't a crime. He might not be a very nice person but you've been naive.

I do agree in some respects

OP posts:

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 12:13

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:53

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 11:49
Why on earth did you sleep with him?

Why did he sleep with her if he didn’t want to develop the relationship?
it’s not compulsory.
Why couldn’t he be honest?
Are all of you guys so opportunistic?
God what a horrible, shallow person you are!

Aside from the last remark you made which is out of order as you know nothing about me, I agree. I have never led a single woman on, I am always upfront with my expectations and where I think it is going to go or not go. So please check yourself. You could argue the same, why was she so opportunistic, why was the OP willing to jump into bed with this man?

I agree though if he did lead her on and there was a misunderstanding about what would happen next then it is out of order. However, though, going out on a first date and ending up in bed implies it's more of a sexual thing than a relationship-type thing.

Aprilx · 23/04/2022 12:13

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:58

@AHungryCaterpillar

Sex doesn’t equal a relationship, people don’t only sleep with someone they want a relationship with 🙄

I agree, in this case the OP wanted a relationship though. And the guy new this. Made all the right noises until he’d had what he wanted.

If OP is going to be aggrieved that she had sex only to find no relationship then maybe she should have waited until the relationship was established rather than have sex on the first date. Good god it’s not hard.

Although I personally have been persuaded by the view posted that maybe it is not so bad anyway as it has at least weeded him out sooner rather than later.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/04/2022 12:14

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:04

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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No offense but, unless you have chemistry and lightning-like Thor's hammer, it's nailed on to be shit for both parties.
Tbh I've done the same thing as your guy, I look back now and I changed into someone else during that period. I was ruthless.

If the sex isn't good I think women can be a bit more forgiving.

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 12:15

LoveLarry · 23/04/2022 11:57

Is this an update blip or are you scared to type "sex"?

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I am never sure what words are filtered out and what words are not. I am guessing Sex is an allowed word then :-)

WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 12:16

@Hrpuffnstuff1 so would you agree that it could get better with practice and getting to know each other? Or is it just not worth the effort most of the time

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:17

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 12:13

Aside from the last remark you made which is out of order as you know nothing about me, I agree. I have never led a single woman on, I am always upfront with my expectations and where I think it is going to go or not go. So please check yourself. You could argue the same, why was she so opportunistic, why was the OP willing to jump into bed with this man?

I agree though if he did lead her on and there was a misunderstanding about what would happen next then it is out of order. However, though, going out on a first date and ending up in bed implies it's more of a sexual thing than a relationship-type thing.

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@WrinklyDad I did not meet this guy in a bar last night for the first time and tumble home with him in a opportunistic horny haze

i met him on an app which clearly states i am looking for a relationship, alot of our chat revolved around him wanted the same and wanting to settle down - how lucky he was to match with me and how much he felt I was so special. I helped him with his house buying saga. We were constantly messaging and speaking. We had spoken several times on video and phone for prolonged periods of time. He knew full well i would never have had sex casually as I said i have never had a one night stand.

and his attitude this morning did a 180, conviently after sex. Suspicious? I think not.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 23/04/2022 12:18

Can't believe people are defending this guy.
It's become a common thing with men to do this to get sex. They see OLD as a free brothel.

Deceiving another person in order to have sex with them is morally wrong when it prevents the other person from giving fully informed consent to the act.

Would you have consented to have sex with him if you knew he was just out for sex and lying?

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:19

RantyAunty · 23/04/2022 12:18

Can't believe people are defending this guy.
It's become a common thing with men to do this to get sex. They see OLD as a free brothel.

Deceiving another person in order to have sex with them is morally wrong when it prevents the other person from giving fully informed consent to the act.

Would you have consented to have sex with him if you knew he was just out for sex and lying?

100% i would not have had sex with him whatsoever. And he knew that full well.

OP posts:

Thereisnolight · 23/04/2022 12:24

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/04/2022 12:03

Truth bomb, apologies in advance.
If the sex is good the man won't walk.

Ah so thats the answer.
OP, you should have pulled the stops out. Dressed up, whipped him, made sure he orgasmed min every 30 minutes (putting your own needs aside of course). Now you know where you went wrong!

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 12:25

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:17

@WrinklyDad I did not meet this guy in a bar last night for the first time and tumble home with him in a opportunistic horny haze

i met him on an app which clearly states i am looking for a relationship, alot of our chat revolved around him wanted the same and wanting to settle down - how lucky he was to match with me and how much he felt I was so special. I helped him with his house buying saga. We were constantly messaging and speaking. We had spoken several times on video and phone for prolonged periods of time. He knew full well i would never have had sex casually as I said i have never had a one night stand.

and his attitude this morning did a 180, conviently after sex. Suspicious? I think not.

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@Monstera1111 Completely get where you are coming from and why your head is where it is at. However I do find with dating apps you can chat endlessly, message, phone, even video calls, and then you actually meet in person, and the spark isn't there. Been there and done that, it's so disappointing because you believe it will go somewhere.

If he led you on during the date and was still saying the same things after meeting you in person then you have a right to feel let down. Basically, he is a d!ck and you are best rid of him. People deserve to be with people that want to be with them. I suspect (And obviously I don't know), he met up, wasn't feeling it, and thought well I may as well get something out of it. It's pretty callous and a person has no right to play with others' feelings.

I still stand by my thought that if people really like each and see it going somewhere then don't sleep with each other on the first date. You don't know what the other person is thinking at that point

Antarcticant · 23/04/2022 12:28

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 12:10

It's quite possible and in fact likely that he wasn't feeling it AFTER they had sex

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The OP said they'd been messaging for at least two weeks. On the date, they got on well and the man was attracted enough to want sex with the OP. If someone is seriously looking for a LTR, are they really going to decide on the basis of one shag that it's not going to work? If there had been no physical attraction in person - which would be fair enough - then why would he want sex at all?

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:29

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 12:25

@Monstera1111 Completely get where you are coming from and why your head is where it is at. However I do find with dating apps you can chat endlessly, message, phone, even video calls, and then you actually meet in person, and the spark isn't there. Been there and done that, it's so disappointing because you believe it will go somewhere.

If he led you on during the date and was still saying the same things after meeting you in person then you have a right to feel let down. Basically, he is a d!ck and you are best rid of him. People deserve to be with people that want to be with them. I suspect (And obviously I don't know), he met up, wasn't feeling it, and thought well I may as well get something out of it. It's pretty callous and a person has no right to play with others' feelings.

I still stand by my thought that if people really like each and see it going somewhere then don't sleep with each other on the first date. You don't know what the other person is thinking at that point

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I know what you mean - the guy i have been dating and messaging in the next city said he would not want to have sex with me early to make sure ‘he didnt f**k it up’ 😂😂
and the couple of guys I have had a few dates with locally (aside this guy) I have gone out with a couple of times and there has been no clothes off whatsoever.

i think you are right - i think he was opportunitist and instead of being honest be was a snake. The other thing is if I had no asked him this morning outright i can guarentee he would have led me on for weeks which is sooooo depressing

OP posts:

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/04/2022 12:30

WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 12:16

@Hrpuffnstuff1 so would you agree that it could get better with practice and getting to know each other? Or is it just not worth the effort most of the time

Yes, that is a given, however, if it's not sickly-heart thumping-passing out chemistry initially then it'll more than likely be a dud. Just a means to an end.
I suppose it depends on what experience and expectations people have.

For the 2 yrs I spent on Tinder and Bumble, there were less than 5 women out of the large number where the chemistry was out of body experience and reciprocal. I just think it's one of those things. Doing the act isn't a precursor to passion-connection occurring.

However, this is just what I experienced and my barometer. Others have different experiences.

WhackingPhoenix · 23/04/2022 12:33

Ah OP, how annoying! He probably does this a lot, so STI screen in 2 weeks for you!

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:34

The bottom line is

he didnt like me that much
but he went onto have sex.
twice.
and was pawing at me the second time to get it

he did that choking thing that i have never had done before too?? I asked him what be was doing he was like woman love it?? I was like i have never had a guy do that before?? Maybe be was just a porn sicko 🤢🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

he said you can make a woman orgasm by choking them
i have been in health care for sixteen years and i am unclear of the basis of this logic 😂😂😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:35

WhackingPhoenix · 23/04/2022 12:33

Ah OP, how annoying! He probably does this a lot, so STI screen in 2 weeks for you!

Used condoms and also have coil so all ok from that point of view xxx 💐💐💐💐

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 23/04/2022 12:43

NO sex ever on first date.
But you know that.

He was just after a shag, by the sounds of it.

If he was ''Right'' he'd not mind waiting.

Move on.

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 12:43

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:29

I know what you mean - the guy i have been dating and messaging in the next city said he would not want to have sex with me early to make sure ‘he didnt f**k it up’ 😂😂
and the couple of guys I have had a few dates with locally (aside this guy) I have gone out with a couple of times and there has been no clothes off whatsoever.

i think you are right - i think he was opportunitist and instead of being honest be was a snake. The other thing is if I had no asked him this morning outright i can guarentee he would have led me on for weeks which is sooooo depressing

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Glad you are being positive about it all and still have other options. Keep the faith that there are good people out there. Even though I am a bloke some of my brethren are fooking annoying. It makes it so much harder for (relatively!) normal blokes to date 😂 !!

oakleaffy · 23/04/2022 12:46

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:34

The bottom line is

he didnt like me that much
but he went onto have sex.
twice.
and was pawing at me the second time to get it

he did that choking thing that i have never had done before too?? I asked him what be was doing he was like woman love it?? I was like i have never had a guy do that before?? Maybe be was just a porn sicko 🤢🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

he said you can make a woman orgasm by choking them
i have been in health care for sixteen years and i am unclear of the basis of this logic 😂😂😂

Oh OP...He sounds actively ABUSIVE and dangerous.
What a really awful thing to have said.

Would it be worth reporting him??

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 12:47

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:34

The bottom line is

he didnt like me that much
but he went onto have sex.
twice.
and was pawing at me the second time to get it

he did that choking thing that i have never had done before too?? I asked him what be was doing he was like woman love it?? I was like i have never had a guy do that before?? Maybe be was just a porn sicko 🤢🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

he said you can make a woman orgasm by choking them
i have been in health care for sixteen years and i am unclear of the basis of this logic 😂😂😂

He choked you without consent during sex. Then told you 'women love it', as if you were wrong to not want him to. He's disgusting.

Fuck me, porn really is changing the sexual landscape so much. It's so violent as default. Things that used to be tried with discussion and very clear consent are just now expected of women.

Choking, anal (without no foreplay or lube even, as that's what they see in porn)... I'm scared for how bad it will be for my kids as adults based on how normalised sexual violence is.

To be clear, kinks between genuinely consenting adults, fine. Violent and potentially dangerous acts with no consent or warning, not fine,

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 12:48

So you wanted to see him again after he did that? Are you sure you are ready for dating? It really doesnt sound like it and tbh that’s one hell of a drip feed