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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:26

FelixDaHouskat · 23/04/2022 17:21

I am sorry Monstera, you met a twat, how fast or slow you got to bed with them had nothing to do with it.

100%

Its like when people get married (male and female) - ‘he should have known she was awful’ - of course he or she didnt!!!!! Why would anyone walk down the aisle and end up in a horrendous situation with cheating and abuse
you cannot predict how people will act and you judge by your own morale principles

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:27

CoraPearl · 23/04/2022 17:09

I would look at this positively as you discovered at the outset his belief that women enjoy being choked during sex.

Seriously OP, this has worked out for the best - breathe a sigh of relief.

I am relieved - and so thankful it only lasted one night

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:28

Dancer47 · 23/04/2022 17:01

You were no challenge to him at all, therefore he has lost interest. Thought process might be that what is so easy to obtain is of no value. He may call you out of the blue in the future for sex, but nothing more.
Please don't kill me. I work with men (over 200 of them). I have got to know how a lot of them think and value things.

He wont call me hes blocked and unmatched on everything

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 17:28

Honestly OP, don’t let your pride hurt you. Don’t get into the idea that he took advantage from you or that was the plan he had from a start because that makes you bitter and that makes it more difficult to start a relationship in the future. Keep your heart in one piece for your own sake.

I bet he was not planning this but as it often happen when you build a relationship over the phone/texts/zoom, the person you finally meet is not exactly as you expected them and sometimes that comes as a shock despite the likelihood of the attraction being mutual is only about 25%.

He may have wanted a relationship, he may have not been prepared to end up in bed that quickly, it happens to men as well, not only to women. He may have thought things were moving too quickly even if he enjoyed the night as much as you did.

I never considered sex on the first date not because I am a prude or because I want to make them wait to appear more desirable but because I want to know they are likely to stay put after sex, and even so, you may do all the romance and then still being incompatible when it comes to sex. It is not even that you are bad at it, something as simple as reminding you or him of a previous person o situation may be enough to turn things off.

Put it down to experience, cry a bit and get back into OLD again when you recover of this bad experience.

FlowerArranger · 23/04/2022 17:28

FelixDaHouskat · 23/04/2022 17:18

Is this the 19th century 😵

Show quote history

No......... just commonse6...

FlowerArranger · 23/04/2022 17:28

Commonsense...

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 17:30

So now you have “never ever had a one night stand”

upthread you “i have had casual one night stands”

🤔

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 17:31

I have never ever had a one night stand

but also

* “i have had casual one night stands”*

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:34

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 17:30

So now you have “never ever had a one night stand”

upthread you “i have had casual one night stands”

🤔

i have casually dated

please dont try and be smart

i can assure you - i have never ever been in the situation where i have slept with a guy like this - not that i need to condone myself to a stranger

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:38

@tomatoandherbs you clearly have an issue with a few things I have been posting here and wish to pull apart the things I am saying - including referencing previous posts and alluding that I am not great at sex as being the reason for men ghosting. With regards to refence of previous ‘casual’ this has been situations where both of have known the relationship was casual prior to engaging in it.

in this situation completely different - what he sold was very very different to what happened last night.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 17:39

Could it not be the case that he was put on the spot and didn't know what to say?

We often assess things more objectively in our own surroundings / later, and whilst it'd be lovely to hear:

"Yes, I definitely want to see you again, you're amazing and I had a fantastic time"

It's more usual too bid each other farewell and get in touch a few days later if either of you is still interested?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:40

FlowerArranger · 23/04/2022 17:28

No......... just commonse6...

Show quote history

Its true - but this did not feel like a first date!!!!

how many times!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

we had facetimed - spoke for hours daily - had spoken to his mum - met his pets via facetime!!!!

omg!!!!!!!

i would not match a guy on bumble wednesday, meet friday and shag and expect a LTR 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:41

ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 17:39

Could it not be the case that he was put on the spot and didn't know what to say?

We often assess things more objectively in our own surroundings / later, and whilst it'd be lovely to hear:

"Yes, I definitely want to see you again, you're amazing and I had a fantastic time"

It's more usual too bid each other farewell and get in touch a few days later if either of you is still interested?

I think the choking and sexual gaslighting was the reason for not following usual protocol!!! Like spider senses that I had to say something

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:45

Its over now anyway and probably for the best
yes i am dating others - but not like this - they are usually a bit more balanced

the ones i have mentioned here have all been outliers and just after sex

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/04/2022 17:45

Pity people can't leave reviews for timewasters on these sites.

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:46

He told me his parents and he was desperate to find a wife

Bloody Hell, OP, and you still shagged him after he'd told you that?

Never mind the choking: an adult male whose parents feature in his life to that extent is downright weird.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:46

gamerchick · 23/04/2022 17:45

Pity people can't leave reviews for timewasters on these sites.

Agreed
tripadvisor for men

-150 stars - choked me during sex, made me cry as he was leaving my flat, assured me he was looking for a relationship….

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:47

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:46

He told me his parents and he was desperate to find a wife

Bloody Hell, OP, and you still shagged him after he'd told you that?

Never mind the choking: an adult male whose parents feature in his life to that extent is downright weird.

Lets be fair - he probably just said that for more sex points. And it worked 😂

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 17:47

Ok op - sure

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:47

And I am completely with @Suprima on this score: 99% don’t deserve to be anywhere near me, let alone in me

Why do so many people have such catastrophically low standards?

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:49

Here were your red flags...


  • too much too fast:

  • telling you that you were so special very shortly after matching

  • telling you he was looking for a wife, he's dangling the carrot when you're still just getting to know each other and haven't even met face to face

  • having you meet his mum before your first date even

  • this is lovebombing: it's making you feel much closer and more intimate than you actually are, speeding the timeline along


  • sociopathy demonstrated to others:

  • hatefully swearing at your cat

  • stating he used his ex-gf because he was bored and dumped her because she liked him more than he liked her


  • too slick / overconfident:

  • always seems to say exactly what you want to hear

  • bought condoms on the way to your first date, so assured that you would sleep with him


  • disrespectful and totally nonchalant over what longterm negative impressions he might give you - like he's about to ditch you soon:

  • insulting your pet in your own home as a guest

  • arriving late for your first date

  • nagging you into a second round of sex

  • performing undesirable sex acts on you, and without even bothering to ask first

  • acting like it's no big deal when you stop him, like he's not at all concerned with what you'll think of him afterward

I notice you complained, "i hold off having sex for months and get ghosted, have sex early when things seem to be going well and same result."

But that's the filter working exactly as intended. You WANT these kinds of men to ghost you for not sleeping with them quickly. You want them filtered.

You're not going to turn a man from one type to another simply by when you choose to sleep with them. You're just going to be able to better filter out this type.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:49

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:47

And I am completely with @Suprima on this score: 99% don’t deserve to be anywhere near me, let alone in me

Why do so many people have such catastrophically low standards?

99% of men are low value and behave like this
sadly i got caught out by this one 🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:51

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:49

Here were your red flags...


  • too much too fast:

  • telling you that you were so special very shortly after matching

  • telling you he was looking for a wife, he's dangling the carrot when you're still just getting to know each other and haven't even met face to face

  • having you meet his mum before your first date even

  • this is lovebombing: it's making you feel much closer and more intimate than you actually are, speeding the timeline along


  • sociopathy demonstrated to others:

  • hatefully swearing at your cat

  • stating he used his ex-gf because he was bored and dumped her because she liked him more than he liked her


  • too slick / overconfident:

  • always seems to say exactly what you want to hear

  • bought condoms on the way to your first date, so assured that you would sleep with him


  • disrespectful and totally nonchalant over what longterm negative impressions he might give you - like he's about to ditch you soon:

  • insulting your pet in your own home as a guest

  • arriving late for your first date

  • nagging you into a second round of sex

  • performing undesirable sex acts on you, and without even bothering to ask first

  • acting like it's no big deal when you stop him, like he's not at all concerned with what you'll think of him afterward

I notice you complained, "i hold off having sex for months and get ghosted, have sex early when things seem to be going well and same result."

But that's the filter working exactly as intended. You WANT these kinds of men to ghost you for not sleeping with them quickly. You want them filtered.

You're not going to turn a man from one type to another simply by when you choose to sleep with them. You're just going to be able to better filter out this type.

Thank you for this thoughtful post💐 have book marked it
and you are right
when that guy ghosted me I laughed as I knew I had ensured I was saved from him

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 17:52

Monstera

I was hard on you to get a message across, unless YOU just want a quick shag get to know a guy before you get between the sheets, after a couple of platonic dates you probably would have ditched him anyway. Some men are not interested in long term anything and know exactly how to lie, which buttons to press to get you into bed, including “ mother wants me to get a wife” LOL .

If a man wants long term commitment he does not expect sex, he is looking for a special girl who is going to be his partner, you need to convince him you are special.

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:56

I'm sorry @Monstera1111 You're braver than I am, really, as I would rather be single forever than use apps and OLD and whatnot (I haven't even got a device that has apps, so a man who used apps would be an instant turn-off).

It's a bit of a trite thing to say, but you're more likely to meet someone and get to know them through an activity that you both enjoy (or at work). Once you've actually got to know them properly, it might be a bit clearer whether they are after a relationship (and in a position to pursue one - i.e. single) or whether they're just after sex. You're also more likely to either fancy them or not, as a result of knowing them better. I don't see how anyone can really fancy anyone whom they don't know and love (though I've never had a ONS, so I may be made differently).

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