Page 13 | ‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Monstera1111 · 2022-04-23T08:17:49+00:00

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s. he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent. i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu? just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 16:26

OP- look up Matthew Hussey on YouTube - he's a dating coach and he gives amazing advice

FleurDeLizz · 23/04/2022 16:40

On the one hand you say you want a serious long term relationship, nothing casual, and yet on the other you’re dating at least four other men - maybe you came across a bit more casual than you thought. I know you’re adding in all these other details to make people agree with you that he’s a bad un but maybe there was just crossed wires and miscommunication

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 16:43

FleurDeLizz · 23/04/2022 16:40

On the one hand you say you want a serious long term relationship, nothing casual, and yet on the other you’re dating at least four other men - maybe you came across a bit more casual than you thought. I know you’re adding in all these other details to make people agree with you that he’s a bad un but maybe there was just crossed wires and miscommunication

Yeah I agree with this, when you sleep with a guy on the first date a lot of them think this is something you do with all men which makes them less likely to think of you as girlfriend material. Sorry but it’s true!

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 16:47

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 16:15

I don't even understand the view that if someone says on their profile that they want a LTR that means that you must continue to see them regardless of how you feel about them. That makes no sense to me. I don't care if someone has LTR on their profile. If I went on a date and didn't want to see the man again, I wouldn't. MAny on here seem to think that would make me an awful person and would call me many names as they have called the man on here but I don't get that at all. Putting LTR on a profile doesn't obligate someone to get into a relationship with you and to continue to see you.

If two adults agree to have sex, that is all it is. Sex doesn't obligate anyone to a relationship. I don't really even understand the view that many have on here that since OP chose to have sex with him on the first date, he must continue to date her now and I guess she is also now obligated to date him if he wants her too? Makes no sense to me at all.

When you set up strawwoman arguments, of course it makes no sense!

DrBlackbird · 23/04/2022 16:57

Two friends I know ended up marrying the guy they slept with on their first date. Another one married the guy that she slept with on their 4th date.

FGS… ‘girlfriend material’… what does that even mean? Stop blaming the OP for being ‘too easy’ as this is essentially the age old bloody standards that you’re applying here. Man as stud. Woman as slut. And I cannot believe that women are blaming another woman for being ’bad’ at sex as the reason for a man mistreating her. Are we back in the 1950’s?

@Monstera1111 am so sorry that you had a shit experience. We can learn from those. Stop to listen to your inner voice questioning those red flags. In essence, make sure that you interview them for role of bf before you audition for role of gf.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:00

Its not about sex shaming or having to wait- we can all sleep with whomever we wish. The OP specifically expressed that she feels used after a one night stand when she wants a long term relationship. If doing something makes you feel used and shit about yourself then the simple answer is to STOP DOING IT. Just because your friends slept with someone on the first date, doesnt mean everyone feels comfortable with that and the OP clearly doesnt - hence her post.

The literal definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Dancer47 · 23/04/2022 17:01

You were no challenge to him at all, therefore he has lost interest. Thought process might be that what is so easy to obtain is of no value. He may call you out of the blue in the future for sex, but nothing more.
Please don't kill me. I work with men (over 200 of them). I have got to know how a lot of them think and value things.

SlatsandFlaps · 23/04/2022 17:03

Are you sure he didn't just change his mind? That can happen, OP! Everyone is just assuming he used you for sex - which he may well have done. He may also have just realised that you're not the one for him

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:04

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:00

Its not about sex shaming or having to wait- we can all sleep with whomever we wish. The OP specifically expressed that she feels used after a one night stand when she wants a long term relationship. If doing something makes you feel used and shit about yourself then the simple answer is to STOP DOING IT. Just because your friends slept with someone on the first date, doesnt mean everyone feels comfortable with that and the OP clearly doesnt - hence her post.

The literal definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Doing the same thing over and over? OP stated this was the first time she slept with a man on the first date and she's never doing it again. You're just berating her.

It also doesn't qualify as a ONS when it was preceded by extensive contact and even talking to his mum.

Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 17:04

Seriously, you don’t go on a first date expecting a long term anything, you go to get to know him better, after a few dates, checking his story and a couple of days out then start thinking long term.
So sorry no sympathy, he thought you were an easy lay and you were.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:06

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:04

Doing the same thing over and over? OP stated this was the first time she slept with a man on the first date and she's never doing it again. You're just berating her.

It also doesn't qualify as a ONS when it was preceded by extensive contact and even talking to his mum.

Show quote history

Berating?- by suggesting she get to know someone a bit more before sleeping with them? she specifically said she felt he was "using her for sex".

Her words, not mine.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:09

Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 17:04

Seriously, you don’t go on a first date expecting a long term anything, you go to get to know him better, after a few dates, checking his story and a couple of days out then start thinking long term.
So sorry no sympathy, he thought you were an easy lay and you were.

😮
the woman was too stunned to speak
you dont even know me
in
fairness i did ask for public opinion and thats what i have got

i am not an easy lay - he put in hours or work and attention 😂😂😂 even speaking to his mother and he told me loved me

OP posts:

CoraPearl · 23/04/2022 17:09

I would look at this positively as you discovered at the outset his belief that women enjoy being choked during sex.

Seriously OP, this has worked out for the best - breathe a sigh of relief.

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 17:10

See there we go. Advising women to not sleep with men on the first night and it’s “slut shaming” and calling them “easy” no it’s just common sense don’t let strange men into your bed, It won’t make them want a relationship, so what a few women have married the men they had sex with on the first date, I would say that’s very rare, most end up disappearing and onto the next, so pointless using that as an example, and I assume both those women probably slept with loads of men on the first date that never amounted to anything before one “stuck” no one cares if anyone wants a ONS just don’t be upset if that’s all it turns out to be. What if the op decided after a few times seeing him that actually he wasn’t the man for her does that mean she has to stick with him because she said she wanted a LTR?

CoraPearl · 23/04/2022 17:11

DrBlackbird · 23/04/2022 16:57

Two friends I know ended up marrying the guy they slept with on their first date. Another one married the guy that she slept with on their 4th date.

FGS… ‘girlfriend material’… what does that even mean? Stop blaming the OP for being ‘too easy’ as this is essentially the age old bloody standards that you’re applying here. Man as stud. Woman as slut. And I cannot believe that women are blaming another woman for being ’bad’ at sex as the reason for a man mistreating her. Are we back in the 1950’s?

@Monstera1111 am so sorry that you had a shit experience. We can learn from those. Stop to listen to your inner voice questioning those red flags. In essence, make sure that you interview them for role of bf before you audition for role of gf.

Hear! Hear!

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:12

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:06

Berating?- by suggesting she get to know someone a bit more before sleeping with them? she specifically said she felt he was "using her for sex".

Her words, not mine.

Show quote history

I didnt feel he was using me before sex 😂😂 he definately was afterwards though 😂😂 that was obvious

and the porn sick language and actions 🤢🤢🤮 thats why I felt used - even if it was just normal sex and not ridiculous jackhammering, choking and vile language

i wouldnt have known that if i had gone on several dates with him - it would have ended the same x

OP posts:

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:12

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:06

Berating?- by suggesting she get to know someone a bit more before sleeping with them? she specifically said she felt he was "using her for sex".

Her words, not mine.

Show quote history

"Berating???" she asks wide-eyed. Yes, berating. No, not for suggesting she get to know them before sleeping with them; for yelling at her in all caps "STOP DOING IT" and saying it's insanity for her to keep "doing the same thing over and over" when she has already stated this was the first and last time. That is berating.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 17:13

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:12

"Berating???" she asks wide-eyed. Yes, berating. No, not for suggesting she get to know them before sleeping with them; for yelling at her in all caps "STOP DOING IT" and saying it's insanity for her to keep "doing the same thing over and over" when she has already stated this was the first and last time. That is berating.

Show quote history

Actually, I wasnt shouting at her, I was shouting at you 😂

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:17

CoraPearl · 23/04/2022 17:11

Hear! Hear!

Show quote history

Excatly.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

woman are blamed for everything
its nothing to do with me

he went onto bumble - found a woman who was looking for a long term relationship and would be open to his chat for a few weeks; he knew from the get go it was just sex from
his side and played the game. Kept it up until
he actually met her / slept with her and another side came out.

do you honestly think if on our first facetime call if he said ‘woman love choking I cannot wait to choke you’ - I would have entertained it. Do you honestly think if he told me ‘i am going to have jackhammer sex with you by being very handsy and pestering you into it for a second time’ - i would have let him into my flat?

obviously not. He told me his parents and he was desperate to find a wife - he was so lucky to have matched with me and he couldnt believe his luck. He would never treat me badly and he was so happy to even have the chance to meet me.

cut to this morning. Tone totally changed.

OP posts:

FelixDaHouskat · 23/04/2022 17:18

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 09:36

If you're looking for long term don't have sex on the first date.

Is this the 19th century 😵

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:19

@ParisNoir how were you shouting at me when I replied to you, not the reverse?

Or was that some attempted dig at me about my sexual habits? Because if it is I'm afraid you'll have to explain it better.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:21

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:12

"Berating???" she asks wide-eyed. Yes, berating. No, not for suggesting she get to know them before sleeping with them; for yelling at her in all caps "STOP DOING IT" and saying it's insanity for her to keep "doing the same thing over and over" when she has already stated this was the first and last time. That is berating.

Show quote history

I know.

like i met him if I was clubbing for the first time; knew him for five minutes and had him over to my place.
this is not what this was about.
this was calcuated from his end of I would not have been as tearful this morning.

at the beginning of the year i was dating someone for 3 months and he ghosted me for….

not sleeping with him!!!!!!!!!!

i have never ever had a one night stand and he also knew i was not looking for that - but kept the pantomime going anyway - knowing full well he was not interested in me.

i know full well people can change their mind; but i have been on dates where guys have excercised self control
and had enough respect for me to know they are not interested in long term so they cut it at the intimacy stage. And i am still friends with them. And they are still single shagging around.

OP posts:

FelixDaHouskat · 23/04/2022 17:21

I am sorry Monstera, you met a twat, how fast or slow you got to bed with them had nothing to do with it.

Sofiegiraffe · 23/04/2022 17:24

SlatsandFlaps · 23/04/2022 17:03

Are you sure he didn't just change his mind? That can happen, OP! Everyone is just assuming he used you for sex - which he may well have done. He may also have just realised that you're not the one for him

I have to admit this was my first thought. He just charged his mind. Which is allowed.

You had a lucky escape anyway, OP, by the sounds of this: he said you can make a woman orgasm by choking them

🤮🤮🤮

Sofiegiraffe · 23/04/2022 17:24

*changed not charged