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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:00

Oh fgs
all i said was that the op has listed a number of examples, including one where they’d had 18 dates, and then morning after sex… they’re no longer interested.

perhaps op not great at sex for these individuals tastes

more to the point
the op never seems to say whether she actually liked him. Only that sex was “ok”

so begs the question… why would you want a LTR with him or even ask the question?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:01

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:44

Agree I had a guy wine and dine me for about six weeks heavy then had sex and the next day he ghosted that must have been 18 dates before sex

and another bit of “evidence”

Yes obviously the evidence points to this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
apricotlane · 23/04/2022 16:01

@AHungryCaterpillar A lot of women participate in their own misogyny and degradation of their sex. Many women are aroused by it. And we have been taught to accept it as progressive. Women are susceptible to sexual vice too, it's just we no longer have a concept of what is sexually moral. Just 'consent'.

It leaves a legacy of sick misery.

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:02

So the op has listed she’s interested in a LTR

op…. If you had a one night stand with someone who had also said they want a LTR but the sex really hasn’t done it for you. Perhaps a preference for something that you hate or even just a smell you found really off putting- would you still want to pursue the chance of a LTR with them?

squiller · 23/04/2022 16:02

It’s too late for this one (who you should just block fwiw) but in future try not to have sex on the first date if you’re looking for a long term thing. This isn’t the case for every guy but lots of them are just seeking sex so once they get that, they lose interest especially if you’re using tinder.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:03

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:54

He could have very easily take the easy route and said “yeah op I’d love to see you again”. He did not.
op you don’t seem to have been even remotely attracted to him
is it just that you WANT a long term relationship and that’s more important than actually who with?

I know

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:03

op

sorry not that you are shit at sex per se

but these people - sex with you is the clincher that they don’t want to be with you

Someone out there will think sex with you IS the clincher to be with you! Because it is so wonderful

i just do not see what this guy has done wrong

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:04

So you concede that all at all attracted to him
the date itself wasn’t that great
thesex was “ok”

why did you even ask him op? How would you have felt if he’d said “hell yes!!”

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 16:04

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:03

op

sorry not that you are shit at sex per se

but these people - sex with you is the clincher that they don’t want to be with you

Someone out there will think sex with you IS the clincher to be with you! Because it is so wonderful

i just do not see what this guy has done wrong

Choking her without permission and then saying 'all women like it' when she challenged him?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:05

Feministwoman · 23/04/2022 15:55

@tomatoandherbs what vile comments

Alot of people think like that
read the book
’woman are blamed for everything’

there is nothing wrong whatsoever with my sexual performance
i have been ghosted and treating similarly by not having sex so 😂😂😂😂😅

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:07

So WHY did the op want to see him again with the view to a LTR?
why did the op even ask him?
why Is the op disappointed?
i am genuinely confused

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 16:09

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:07

So WHY did the op want to see him again with the view to a LTR?
why did the op even ask him?
why Is the op disappointed?
i am genuinely confused

That's an entirely separate question and one many of have sensitively asked OP, suggesting she takes a break from dating as her boundaries seem unsafe and she didn't listen to her own gut about red flags.

But you said the guy did nothing wrong. I would saying choking a woman during sex without her consent is wrong, wouldn't you?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:11

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:03

op

sorry not that you are shit at sex per se

but these people - sex with you is the clincher that they don’t want to be with you

Someone out there will think sex with you IS the clincher to be with you! Because it is so wonderful

i just do not see what this guy has done wrong

I think the fact is they just want sex to begin with - they are fakes from the beginning - like alot of men who use dating apps and once they get it they lose interest. Happens all the time

i think as well they see some woman as a challenge (obviously it doesnt appear that way from last night lol) but i hold a very high position socially (i know this is not what it should be about) and i think they like the chase of me but once they have it they are not really interested in a career woman - not sure

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 16:13

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 16:09

That's an entirely separate question and one many of have sensitively asked OP, suggesting she takes a break from dating as her boundaries seem unsafe and she didn't listen to her own gut about red flags.

But you said the guy did nothing wrong. I would saying choking a woman during sex without her consent is wrong, wouldn't you?

Show quote history

Op has drip fed that in though and makes it sound like it wasn’t a big deal I mean it wasn’t important enough to mention it until pages and pages later, and was still up for seeing him again it’s a reason why sleeping with strangers isn’t a good idea.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:13

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:07

So WHY did the op want to see him again with the view to a LTR?
why did the op even ask him?
why Is the op disappointed?
i am genuinely confused

No i know
i was confused too
essentially what he sold in the first 2:3 weeks or messaging and getting to know me - what very very different to what happened on the date last night
i suppose i was just deflated by that
i wonder if i wanted to have sex to keep the fantasy going that he was what he said he was

now i have had today to come down off the date i would never want to see him again based on the date last night, what happened etc
this morning i think i was post coital, disappointed, hurt and my ego had taken a hit with the reality that this guy was just a fake

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:14

One guy you dated for 18 dates before having sex, then he ghosted you post sex.

do you honestly think he was fake throughout and “just wanted sex”?

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 16:15

I don't even understand the view that if someone says on their profile that they want a LTR that means that you must continue to see them regardless of how you feel about them. That makes no sense to me. I don't care if someone has LTR on their profile. If I went on a date and didn't want to see the man again, I wouldn't. MAny on here seem to think that would make me an awful person and would call me many names as they have called the man on here but I don't get that at all. Putting LTR on a profile doesn't obligate someone to get into a relationship with you and to continue to see you.

If two adults agree to have sex, that is all it is. Sex doesn't obligate anyone to a relationship. I don't really even understand the view that many have on here that since OP chose to have sex with him on the first date, he must continue to date her now and I guess she is also now obligated to date him if he wants her too? Makes no sense to me at all.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 16:17

Aw I'm sorry- noone likes to hear that.

I know its cliche but its true- if you want a long term relationship, you need to show that with your actions not just your words. Dont have sex until you know they are investing time and attention in you.

HipsterMum · 23/04/2022 16:18

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:52

Sex is good when two people are properly connected. That takes chemistry and trust or love!

yes! So obviously wasn’t for him
and op describes it as “ok” so obviously wasn’t for her either

I can’t see he has done anything wrong. People can have one night stands and yet still have a desire for a long term relationship!

Trust and love take a touch longer to build than chemistry. I have got many male friends and most of them usually have one night stands with someone they claim they had great chemistry with. Yet in the morning this chemistry is no longer on their mind and neither is the woman. I definitely don't say its right and myself find it really sad but perhaps that's a difference between most women and men after ONS.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:18

I think i was clutching At straws really to try and validate and confirm that he was a fake clown. Which is why I just came out and asked so it would be over asap (if i felt comfortable and confident in his intentions i would never ask)

i had a second date with a guy last wednesday ok - we went for late evening coffee and cake - we smooched on the street and now he is away to work in Scandinavia for a couple of weeks. I know he will message and I know I will see him when I get back so I am secure in that. It is also going slow and steady with absoultely no sexual chat whatsoever

on reflection as I was getting to know this guy from last night he seemed very interested in my status, house abroad etc. I think just a user in general

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:19

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:14

One guy you dated for 18 dates before having sex, then he ghosted you post sex.

do you honestly think he was fake throughout and “just wanted sex”?

Yep. He love bombed the crap out of me. Bought be designed clothes - all over a 4 - 6 week period. Then had sex and a dramatic shift in the morning. He still wanted to meet up but was ghosting regularly after first sex - everything was on his terms. I felt like his own personal sex worker. He still wanted to have sex of course, but the tone had totally changed.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 23/04/2022 16:21

Don't take it to heart. Lesson learned. Just get out there and try again. Better luck next time!

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:21

HipsterMum · 23/04/2022 16:18

Trust and love take a touch longer to build than chemistry. I have got many male friends and most of them usually have one night stands with someone they claim they had great chemistry with. Yet in the morning this chemistry is no longer on their mind and neither is the woman. I definitely don't say its right and myself find it really sad but perhaps that's a difference between most women and men after ONS.

Show quote history

There is
men are less invested after sex
woman are more invested after sex

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 16:24

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 16:15

I don't even understand the view that if someone says on their profile that they want a LTR that means that you must continue to see them regardless of how you feel about them. That makes no sense to me. I don't care if someone has LTR on their profile. If I went on a date and didn't want to see the man again, I wouldn't. MAny on here seem to think that would make me an awful person and would call me many names as they have called the man on here but I don't get that at all. Putting LTR on a profile doesn't obligate someone to get into a relationship with you and to continue to see you.

If two adults agree to have sex, that is all it is. Sex doesn't obligate anyone to a relationship. I don't really even understand the view that many have on here that since OP chose to have sex with him on the first date, he must continue to date her now and I guess she is also now obligated to date him if he wants her too? Makes no sense to me at all.

I do agree
and i obviously was not right for him
these things happen

i was just upset as he seemed so keen before sex but thankfully i am feeling better now thanks for all the advice

@tomatoandherbs i will read the karma sutra before heading out again 😭❤️😭💐

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 16:25

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 16:15

I don't even understand the view that if someone says on their profile that they want a LTR that means that you must continue to see them regardless of how you feel about them. That makes no sense to me. I don't care if someone has LTR on their profile. If I went on a date and didn't want to see the man again, I wouldn't. MAny on here seem to think that would make me an awful person and would call me many names as they have called the man on here but I don't get that at all. Putting LTR on a profile doesn't obligate someone to get into a relationship with you and to continue to see you.

If two adults agree to have sex, that is all it is. Sex doesn't obligate anyone to a relationship. I don't really even understand the view that many have on here that since OP chose to have sex with him on the first date, he must continue to date her now and I guess she is also now obligated to date him if he wants her too? Makes no sense to me at all.

This
this
this!!